tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post166479469378969674..comments2024-03-13T06:39:33.807+01:00Comments on LOVEanon: Dating in the 21st Century, Pt. 2: What's a "Date?"Michael J. Oghiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07115199986068295818noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-7495766653588453922013-06-24T16:39:54.332+02:002013-06-24T16:39:54.332+02:00Haha, I think you're definitely in the right m...Haha, I think you're definitely in the right mindset! I like your do's and dont's. Dating is also one of those dynamic processes that changes with time I think as well. You learn a lot as you do: trial and error. Knowing yourself and making a good decision about the person helps too. Michael J. Oghiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07115199986068295818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-73404890268048553832013-06-24T16:22:52.584+02:002013-06-24T16:22:52.584+02:00Isn't it strange or perhaps not desirable to n...Isn't it strange or perhaps not desirable to not date before a relationship? Or is it sometimes inevitable when the mutual attraction is so strong that we ignore a more mature approach. <br />So the wide gulf I always put down to an evenly balanced conversation. I tend to talk a lot, a consequence of having lived a lot. But it tires and bored me to hear myself say the same thing I've said a million times. It bores me even more if I don't hear something that grabs my attention either in content or tone or in this case, the wide gulf of me dominating a conversation unwillingly, in retrospect probably also unwittingly. I think the most important thing (which again in retrospect could have been completely in my own head) was that I was falling for this girl with every story she said, word she spoke and I felt that although she was narrating to me what was the story of my dream woman at the time, that there was a lot of emotional distance and baggage that I felt. These days I think I'm much better at handling that sort of thing instead of being scared off by it.<br />So, the quality of the conversation for me must abide by certain 'rules' in my head, that are not strict, just Do's and Don'ts.<br />1)Don't - talking about ex's, past relationships. ugh, enough said. 2)Do - interesting stories or the ability to make an interesting story out of just good observation.3)Do - adventurousness/curiosity is key, apathy is its polar opposite, seen in body language, leaning forward etc. 4)Don't - Be seen fiddling with stuff as if you didnt want to be there, looking about, checking your phone(Rules out more than half the eligible women on this planet) 5)Do - establish a basic level of physical contact to see if sparks fly.<br /><br />I think I have some more I look out for on dates, but these are the important ones for me. Hahaha and if its a dinner date, eat a little bit beforehand so you don't look like a hungry pig when your food arrives. Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15431282706620003069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-18056153621452032022013-06-23T22:25:23.725+02:002013-06-23T22:25:23.725+02:00You're absolutely right that it should be clea...You're absolutely right that it should be clear. I think that is a sound course of action.<br /><br />Thank you so much for sharing though, I think you illistrate quite clearly both what went wrong as well as the lessons that were taught. Of course, a date shouldn't be stressful (I understand that if you like someone, you'll feel the butterflies. But that isn't stress or anxiety). On the contrary, dates should be comfortable, the conversation natural. And if it's not, that should be a clear sign that the chemistry just isn't there--no matter how good they look either in person or on paper.<br /><br />I'm curious, though. What made the gulf wider? And a better question: what was apparent to you that made that gulf wider?<br /><br />And lastly, I'll say that the standard shouldn't be the date itself--it's a means to an end. What's important is the kind of interaction you're having, and the quality of the conversation.<br /><br />Hey, weird experiences happen. The most we can do is learn from them :)Michael J. Oghiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07115199986068295818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-66924297160246254592013-06-23T19:26:23.815+02:002013-06-23T19:26:23.815+02:00Ok, so this blog resonated with me strongly, espec...Ok, so this blog resonated with me strongly, especially because I've tried hard to be clear about my interest in someone when asking them out. I feel this is an important part in establishing a)That you have some level of romantic interest b)That neither of you are attached to anyone else at the time, including recent ex boyfriends they can do nothing but talk about.<br />So after several good dates in college, well planned, nice places a peaceful walk through nearby parks, nothing ever ended up working out. Usually I probably came off quite strong, too interested even. Living in the Caribbean changed that, for one, I was as a guy in the minority and even though I was not being pursued (as we all imagined we were), I met some amazing women there. Two great dates that had everything except chemistry happened. And it was quite crushing.<br />The first was a brilliant evening adventure date through Basseterre, the small capital city, to about five different local bars/restaurants with their own character and history. Easy and entertaining conversation, fun photos and experiences along the way and still I had yet to establish any level of chemistry. It lasted probably four hours and to date is the favorite date I have been on regardless of the total lack of physical intimacy. And it upset me, that every other piece could fall into place but that one thing could just not be faked. There was just no attraction there.<br />The second date was doomed from the start because I had fallen in love before meeting her. A friend who knew the both of us, used to tell me about her and how much we had in common. Needless to say it involved one act of facebook stalking that made me realize that we had even more in common than my friend had mentioned. I've tried to recall, sometimes with obsessive detail what could have gone wrong and it was as clearly visible to me from the very beginning. I took her for lunch at a Rastafarian place which I was very familiar with and she had never been to. It was a cute vegan 'ital' joint and the owner went out of his way to make sure we were attended perfectly. There was great conversation back and forth but my own uncertainty made me feel as though I was boring her. Its quite tough to get ahold of yourself when doubts plague your mind in the middle of a date(I had not clarified, was it a date at all?) We went out for dinner once after that, at an Indian restaurant(also a bad move, never pick your native cuisine for a date when you're not already 'dating') where there was even more conversation about what we had in common but the gulf between us widened and it was clear to me that I was putting a lot of effort into making conversation happen with someone who clearly wasn't as interested as I was in being there. <br />Since then, I've been asked out and taken out on a date by my last girlfriend, which was a hugely refreshing change. It was a more traditional first date, fancy place, taxi to and fro, and thankfully, not me in charge. I still feel I haven't had that great date yet that really sets any standard at all, since everything I've taken the initiative for hasn't worked out quite the same. The standard is just a date that will at the very least be a memory that gives me more of a happy smile than a wistful heartache.<br />Ironically, the one woman I have loved the most to date(an ex girlfriend), I did not 'date' before we started going out. We hung out with mutual friends and immediately realized we wanted to be with each other. The dates came much later. All weird experiences..Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15431282706620003069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-2163900268201675302013-03-17T19:20:41.725+01:002013-03-17T19:20:41.725+01:00Anon, thank you so much for reading and for your c...Anon, thank you so much for reading and for your comment!<br /><br />I agree that intentions can be misunderstood, but it sounds like there was a bit more to it in the dynamics than he thinking you came off too strong or something. It almost sounds like he was taking advantage, and used it as an excuse.<br /><br />Ok, that's just ridiculous. I mean, there's no excuse for that not being more clear. I don't even know what to say to that. That's not a subtle hint, that's quite explicit. And how'd he not think about you misinterpreting that??<br /><br />I'm so sorry to hear about all of these bad experiences, but I think your prescription is right on!<br /><br />Please, your comments are always welcome. It's because people like you share that make this worth doing :) So thank YOU!<br /><br /><3Michael J. Oghiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07115199986068295818noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-827192023944829664.post-37444017586449827412013-03-17T14:40:04.680+01:002013-03-17T14:40:04.680+01:00I really enjoyed reading your post, and I wish the...I really enjoyed reading your post, and I wish the people I encountered/will encounter in my life would think so..<br /><br />Paying: I had a very ugly incident once where I used to like this person .. and being me, when I like someone I like to spoil them big time...so we would always go out to both fancy and plain places "as friends that is" since that person thought I don't have all it takes, but anyways, I always insisted on paying because it makes me happy, very few times I did not mind that person to pay ... at the end, I discover that that person thinks I am trying all ways possible to get something out of it.. I never felt stupid and frustrated as that time, and I realized that good intentions can be easily misunderstood... but it is a habit of mine, and I am working hard on controlling it ... <br /><br />Is it a date or not? So this person asks me out and we go watch a movie, we hold hands (not initiated by me), we talk all the time on msn (back in the days of msn), and days go by...Christmas eve I receive a leather bracelet with both our names on it, an original CD of one of my fav. artists, and two silver rings...we are dating then right?....Wrong...when I asked what exactly are we...the reply was "just friends, I am a complicated person you do not want to get involved with"...I wonder where do the gifts I got, the walk on the beach, the movie, the dinner, and the endless list of activities we did fit in that statement <br /><br />First date: I was 18, the ex: 28, and never ever took me out anywhere...everytime we wanted to get together the ex would pass by my place for few hours, talk about work, hang out with my mum and sister more than with me and that would be it...being stupid, vulnerable, and naive back then, being smitten by the ex, I never questioned about it...it didn't last long anyways...thank God! <br /><br />I went wrong many times because I tend to try hard to make things "perfect". I even sometimes forget to act myself which ruins things for me. I am aware now that I really should go with the flow, be completely honest with my feelings with others, and tell the other what I am really feeling, whatever the result may be. it is liberating to be honest with yourself and others.<br /><br />Excuse my lengthy comment, looking forward to Part 3 xxAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com