Happy New Year LOVEanese. I really hope 2013 will be a better year than 2012 was. I know for many--including myself--it was a tough year.
I find it fitting that I want to open my first post of 2013 by discussing something I wrote about exactly a year ago in my first post of 2012: Rape, sexual assault/violence, and gender. It's not a happy post, nor is it as upbeat of a subject as I usually write about. However, it is incredibly important. The context for this post arose out of the December 16th gang rape, assault, and murder of a 23-year-old female physiotherapy student in India. You can get the details of what happened as well as the aftermath on a good friend's Tumblr page. She also describes some of the protests taking place in India, South Asia, and across the world in solidarity against rape. But I do not need to lecture about gender/sexual violence either in India or in Lebanon.
No, what I aim to do with this post is remind. And talk about some people who never get the kind of recognition they deserve. I'm talking about the good men out there.
A few days ago, I posted this Tweet:
As if the article I posted describing an old, beautiful love story--(I love the quote: "None of the five daughters and four sons have been divorced, either, which is a feat [credited] to the loving relationship they had as a model.)--there was a great slide show at the end highlighting some really great dads out there. But it's not just those dads. It's Dan from Single Dad Laughing. It's this dad who never gave up on his son. It's this dad who wrote an open letter to Victoria's Secret urging them not to develop a proposed lingerie/underwear campaign aimed at adolescent girls. There are countless examples of good men, whether it's good dads, good boyfriends, good brothers, good husbands, surely these men are not representative of the exception!
But what do I mean by "good?" Urban Dictionary has some humorous definitions, but I'm talking about those men out there that respect a woman's body. Doesn't assume that sex is the only reason why she exists. Good in the sense that he tries to live a life of integrity, honor, and respect, and is filled with compassion, empathy, kindness, and love. It's unfortunate that I have to even define or outline what a "good" guy is. But this is not the point of this post.
My point is that sexuality and masculinity are and always have been so inextricable tied together that being a good man is a struggle. This post isn't about feminism per se, or even rape and sexual assault. On the contrary, I only mean to highlight how many good men feel in relation to all the bad and the crap in the world--specifically perpetrated by other men. It can be isolating, frustrating, dis-empowering, and despairing to say the least. This post is for all those kind guys, who feel unappreciated, unloved, or invisible, just waiting to be noticed.
Let's examine a wonderful article I read calling for ending rape culture in 2013. In one point in the article, the authors write:
"Gloria Steinem and I have written about how a cult of masculinity is behind the constant violation of women around the world--that some men brutalize women against their own self-interest because of an addiction to control or domination. To put it plainly: Rape is not about sex. "Rape is about violence," Steinem says, "proving 'masculine' superiority; often inserting guns and other objects into women's bodies; playing out hostility to other men by invading the bodies of 'their' females, including old women and babies; occupying wombs with sperm of a conquering group; owning female bodies as the means of reproduction; and raping men and boys to make them as inferior as females.""
These authors aren't bashing men at large at all--nor do they intend to do so. On the contrary, they are merely pointing out that rape and sexual assault is a prevailing element of reinforcing masculinity, especially in a time when men and masculinity is on the decline and power is shifting from male dominance to greater gender equality.
As I told the same friend who authors the aforementioned Tumblr, it's a struggle for many men to prevail over all of the selfish men out there who do these horrible things. I told her that good men are also a victim of these crimes, as they often get engulfed into the umbrella of vilification that happens to men as a whole. That's not trying to say that women don't do bad things too, but I am so tired of seeing rhetoric that bashes men-at-large or unintentionally attacks men. The men who raped that girl, they are not me, nor are they the other men I know. I don't mean to take what happened personally, nor am I accusing anyone of "male bashing." I just think it's time to really, critically think more about the way we talk about being a good guy.
Take for example: Isabelle
|Oh Isabelle... #Fail|
Given, this is not the best example. But how many times has someone said, "Oh, but tough guys are more attractive," or "Nice guys finish last." While women are often caught in a "double-bind" because of conflicting messages from society and there is a certain biological affinity for tougher guys (translates to more testosterone which is a signal of being stronger, and perhaps a better mate), how do we change the idea, the language surrounding "nice guys?" In case you haven't noticed, being a nice guy isn't exactly a good thing. Sure, we may say it is. But do a Google search for "Nice Guys." Well, actually, I already did. Look at the results of just the first page:
Take, for instance, the Latin American concept of machismo (and its various synonymous counterparts in other cultures), or being "macho." It includes cat calling women, looking, acting, and being "tough," basically personifying hyper-masculinity, emasculating other men, and constantly emphasizing aggression, hierarchy, and control. In many cultures--especially Arab/Middle Eastern and south Asian ones--this kind of "macho toughness" isn't just emphasized, it's expected. And what does that do, in turn, when it comes to gender relations? Women become objectified even more, and the only time you treat a woman nicely is if you're related to her. Aside from family and perhaps older women, every other one is a sexual object and, thus, "fair game." To harass, follow, or otherwise make her feel that she is nothing by a means to an end for him.
I'm not saying that this is applicable to every single male out there, but honestly tell me that this does not reinforce the idea that being a decent man is wrong? And when you're pondering that answer, just think of all the harassment that has ensued women of all colors, cultures, and nationalities in Cairo, Beirut, Delhi, Bogota, Dubai, Sao Paulo, Buenos Aires, Mexico City, Rabat, Lagos, Mumbai, and so many others. Think about how it's unsafe for a woman to go out alone at night in Bangalore, for fear of being assaulted. I DARE you to tell me there's not something wrong with this!
Another example is of the now-defunct Tumblr, ""Nice Guys" of OkCupid" (the fact that it is no longer active does say a lot). It was basically a site that sought out guys on OkCupid who claimed to be nice guys, but then made generalizations about them based on the answers they gave to OkC questions (which is summarized well by the negatives showcased in this Buzzfeed post). You can see what I'm talking about by looking at multiple sites that supported this Tumblr, including Daily Mail and Huffington Post. They are particularity condemning of these individuals, and while I'm not trying to defend every one of them, their motives, actions, intentions, or presentations, I do agree with both this writer who wrote a sympathetic piece related to this topic for the Atlantic, and this article from the Good Men Project. Basically, it is easy to judge someone based on their cyber-identity, and it is unfair to humiliate these individuals in this way. Moreover, what I think is more interesting, but yet is also irritating is how "nice guy" is being used here. Some individuals who genuinely are good men, are trying to don the "nice guy" persona. Others--perhaps with malicious intentions or at least ulterior motives--are using this persona to try and garner sympathy, which they then take advantage of (for sex and/or selfish reasons). Either way, 1. it is only contributing to the further (negative) objectification of what being a "nice guy" is, 2. arbitrarily passing judgment that may be a fair assessment, however as likely, may also be unfair and inaccurate, and 3. hurting the image of the sincerely nice men out there who are just trying to find love (though I don't think OkC is your best choice, but that's another story).
I'm not trying to speak for every guy out there, but I just find the hypocrisy of shunning good men or forgetting about them altogether is incredibly disadvantageous to not just creating better relationships, but also leads to alienating these men from the larger struggle. Whether it's through discourse or action, or in many cases, inaction, there needs to be better recognition for those kind guys out there who bear the blunt of all the guys that are selfishly weighing down our gender. And when women in the U.S. are being sexually assaulted every two minutes, and one in four American women will either be raped or have had rape attempted on them by the time they reach university, we have a serious problem. Internationally, it's just as big of a problem too. Take this story for example. These are our sisters, our mothers, our cousins, our daughters, our wives, our lovers. Why do we want to see them suffer?
Moreover, where are the "Fathers Against Rape" groups, or the "Brothers Against Sexual Assault" groups? Am I being too harsh? Obviously, I have a certain bias, and I have seen many individuals who I would consider good guys really hurt in the past--sometimes, multiple times. I realize the entire nature of this post deviates slightly from both the theme and the paradigm of my blog. But I felt it's something that needs to be said more. In no way do I want to change the focus from the victims of rape and assault--absolutely not. But rather, to make a point that if things are going to change, more men need to be involved, and the good men--the kind men out there--need to be given more credit for the way they live their lives. Don't tell women to dress "appropriately," tell men, teach men not to rape. At the same time, the language we use to describe the good men out there do respect women, who wouldn't commit domestic violence, or sexual assault, or rape needs to be more positive, and they need to be given more chances. No one is perfect, and maturity and experience often dictates both attraction as well as understanding what is better for us.
|"Don't harass women; they are our lovely mothers, sisters, and daughters."|
|Indian activists protesting against rape|
|"Gender equality will come when MEN become part of the solution!"|
My friend said it perfectly vis-a-vis good men:
"We silence them. They exist, but it's almost as if we don't want them to."
Simply put, I want to emphasize the importance of empathy--understanding how others feel, especially men who may feel helpless and frustrated by both their character and what they can do. This post is a call for all of you to give more voice to those good men in your life, whether they are romantic partners, friends, family, or anything else. Just appreciate them more, give them the time of day. Good men are not some kind of pseudo-Jesus-saviors, but just love the fact that they love you and respect you, and take some advice from this guy who really spells out what it means to be a "nice guy."" There are so many good guys out there, real gentlemen. I've already made so many related points in last year's post that I don't need to reiterate here, and I'll also remind you that this post isn't to say men are just part of the solution or that we shouldn't do bad things. They are, but help involve them more! Give them more reasons to stand up and defend the fact that they aren't striving for hyper-masculinity--actively fighting misogyny, sexism, and the objectification of women. Men, ourselves, have to help to continue to change other men as well as institutions like marriage, family, fatherhood, and the mass media. And I'm not just saying date nice guys or read up on the "tips to land a good man guidebook." That's the tip-of-the-iceberg, and I can't tell you who to date or whom to be attracted to. They also need to get out of this expectation of preference--that is, don't feel that just because they are "nice" means they are owed something by society, or a women are obligated to notice them. However, I can suggest that we advocate for painting a different picture of the "nice guy," challenge hyper-masculine hegemony, and be more inclusive of men in the dominate discourse of how to uphold human dignity without alienating the real allies through coercion, shame, language, or exclusion.
Give them some more credit, I think they deserve it. At least for knowing that rape doesn't make someone a man, love does. Assault doesn't make you strong, integrity and honor do. For knowing respect is not a weakness.
So let's stop treating it like it is, and spread the love,
P.S. If anyone wants to know why nice guys really finish last, here's your explanation: