"In The Ladies' Room, Pt. 2" (Cover Post)

Marhaba LOVEanese! As I promised, here is the second installment of "In The Ladies' Room," a work of creative fiction by Rami Daya. In case you missed part one, check it out here. When the third part is written, I will post it. 

And now I am proud to present:

 In The Ladies' Room, Part 2

By: Rami Daya

We were alone in the ladies’ room again, sitting on the tempting red sofa. The sounds from outside were distant and inaudible compared to the rushing beats of my heart. Her brilliant blue eyes had a perplexing charm that captivated me. I couldn’t lose contact with them, and somehow I felt they were calling upon me. Closer and closer I leaned, and my heartbeats grew wilder... finally our noses touched gently, and there was only one last move to be done. The sweet scent from her cheeks was like opium. It made my senses rebel against me! Unconsciously, yet with extreme determination, I found myself heading for her lips. I tilted my head sideways and she raised hers slowly. Halfway through, our lips met; they were a perfect match. At that moment nothing mattered anymore except Maria. I couldn’t stop! Kissing Maria was something I didn’t want to let go of. An indescribable feeling of warmth filled my heart and set out to the rest of my body! This was too good to be true, I thought to myself... too good to be true...

All of a sudden the ladies’ room became pitch black. Maria’s beauty dissolved in the darkness, and the red sofa faded into my ragged-looking bed. I was sweating profusely, my heartbeats still on fire. This wasn’t the first dream I had about Maria. I checked my phone for the time, and saw a missed call from Jasmine! I couldn’t help but laugh bitterly at the dark irony of the situation. Seconds later, the feeling of “something is inevitably wrong” pervaded me again; this feeling had been lingering around my conscience for a while. I thought I would gradually get over it, but on the contrary, it made me feel more hypocritical day-by-day. I intended to miss-call Jasmine back, but halfway through I felt repulsed by the idea and refrained. Instead I skimmed the contacts for Maria’s number and just looked at it. I had deleted that number and re-saved it again tens of times during the last month. It seemed impossible to erase the memory of Maria. Despite my hard endeavors to alienate her from my mind, she still lingered in my thoughts and dreams. I knew I was angry at her; but I also knew I was crazy about her. In spite of my bruised pride and the great sense of ambiguous resentment that clouded the situation, the thought of Maria still made my heart beat faster. I remembered the Monday when we were supposed to meet, and how the unexpected turn of events started...

***

...I was restless like a child all day. I had never felt that excited about a girl before. I skipped a class so I would have enough time to prepare myself. I rushed home, showered, shaved, and primed myself to the last notch; I even wore my “good shirt!” I bought a rose from a small flower shop next to my house; but as I was overthinking about it in the cab, I felt it was too soon to be romantic. What if she panics? What if she doesn’t accept it? What if she thinks I have issues? All of these questions rushed into my lavish imagination and depicted rather undesirable scenarios. I sheepishly left the rose in the cab, hoping the driver wouldn’t notice it until I was out of eyesight. I thought I would ask Maria for dinner, or at least for a drink. My head was crowded with ideas as I walked to our intended meeting place. I felt glad the crowd of AUB students was starting to subside, for hordes of people usually made me nervous. Luckily, the bench I was imagining the rendezvous on was empty. I sat down, staring out towards the glimmering sapphire Mediterranean in the distance, and yearned to recognize Maria’s face in the faces of the people walking by. Maria would be here any minute now, I thought to myself.

Half an hour passed, and Maria still hadn’t showed up. My anxiety was rising, but my enthusiasm refused to subside; I waited and waited, not patiently but very intently. Whenever I saw a girl coming from a distance, I would cross my fingers hoping that was Maria, just to realize later on it wasn’t her. Tentative thoughts started to crowd my mind: What if she doesn’t show up? What if she forgot? My genuine enthusiasm started giving way to doubt. Maybe she is stuck in traffic... but isn’t she supposed to be inside AUB? Should I call? No, that would sound desperate! I’ll wait five more minutes then call. I should call, shouldn’t I? Maybe send her an SMS? Where is she!? I was having a violent internal monologue when a familiar distant fragrance knocked gently on my senses.

“Nick?”

My heart skipped a beat at the sound of Maria’s voice. I turned my head, and there she was standing behind me. She looked a little different, but I still found her beguiling in her own special way. She wore her blond hair in a simple ponytail, and she had glasses on. Apparently she had contact lenses on Friday night. She was wearing jeans and a blue top that made her eyes stand out. My heart was welcoming her with the rhythm of a very special beat. I missed her so much!

“Hi Maria! It’s nice to see you!” I stood up quickly, and shook her hand more than warmly. I was so happy to see her, and my eagerness was very obvious! I had totally forgotten her belatedness; seeing her made me oblivious of the tentative time I spent waiting. I gently gestured for her to have a seat, and she sat down silently. In contrast to my enthusiasm, she seemed a little cold. She wasn’t smiling at me like she was in the ladies’ room. She wasn’t emanating her usual charm. I couldn’t help noticing something was wrong.

“Are you okay Maria?” I asked. She slowly turned her head and looked at me; her expressions were solemn. Something was definitely wrong.

“I’m sorry, I can’t stay long Nick. I have to leave. But it wasn’t appropriate to keep you waiting here,” she paused for a while then continued. “You are a really nice guy. But please forget everything that happened last Friday,” she turned her head away, as if shy to confront me. “Please forget about it, and just let it go.”

“What...?” I still hadn’t fully comprehended what she said. This was the last thing I had expected to hear. I couldn’t describe the feelings that permeated me. Shock, disappointment, confusion... She was still looking away. “Maria, look at me. What happened?”

“Please Nick,” she was still looking in the opposite direction, as if talking to the tree next to her rather than me. “Just let it go, there is no way for this to work out.”

“Why Maria? Please tell me,” I pleaded. I tried to put my hand on her shoulder, but she withdrew immediately and stood up. She was about to leave, but paused and turned back. At that moment, she delivered the metaphorical coup de gras that causes shock waves to penetrate into the depths of your heart.

“I have a boyfriend Nick.” She said it in a quiet voice without making eye contact with me, and walked away.

“What?” I shouted unconsciously. I was dumbstruck; I could feel the mushroom cloud of nuclear fallout dissipating into the atmosphere inside of me at the thought of her words; the aftershocks of the echoing inside my mind. I couldn’t see her walking away like that; something stirred me up from inside. I stood up quickly and caught up with her. “You what?? Why didn’t you tell me before!??”

“Please Nick,” she started walking faster. “Please leave me alone...”

“No Maria, listen to me!” I held her arm and pulled her back. But I immediately felt guilty because I did it with a furious attitude; I moderated my tone. “You know, I have liked you ever since the moment I saw you. And I made it clear that I want to get to know you better. I honestly meant it. I think I deserve more of an explanation. Do you really have a boyfriend or are you just saying this to push me away?”

Maria finally looked me straight in the eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes were clouded with tears preparing to be shed on her beautiful white cheeks.

“No Nick, it’s not like that. I’m not saying it to push you away. But it’s beyond my control.” She sounded sincere, but I still found it hard to believe.

“Why didn’t you tell me on Friday? Why did you give me hope, knowing you would take it away like this?” I sounded bitter, and my fury was rising again. I felt manipulated; I hated that feeling. Then my anger said something I regretted right away, “Or did you grow a boyfriend over the weekend?” for the first time Maria looked frustrated. Her white cheeks turned crimson, and she gave me a scornful frown.

“On Friday I had an ex-boyfriend who wasn’t talking to me and who I was still hung-up on. He wants me back now. I know it’s messed up; I’m messed up, and he’s messing me up even more. But I love him, I do. And I need to believe that this time he has really changed. So Nick, understand my dilemma. I’m sorry for the way things went on Friday. I wasn’t trying to mislead you. I’m sorry.” She said it with such grief and anger, and teardrops fell from her cloudy blue eyes. Without saying another word, she turned around and left. And I stood there speechless, watching her walk away...

***

...Back in the darkness of my room, those memories made me feel uncomfortable. I turned and turned in bed trying in vain to fool myself into sleeping. Instead, other images from the past chaotic two weeks flashed into my mind...

***

…A couple of weeks later, as I was still bitterly trying to recuperate from Maria’s rejection, a familiar ringtone opened a door I thought I had shut for good. It was Jasmine, asking about me and how I have been. She triggered a remote sense of nostalgia that had been smothered by Maria. It struck me that the amount of thought I allocated for Jasmine was negligible compared to the time Maria occupied my mind. It was uncanny how little I remembered Jasmine, and how much I fantasized about Maria. But Jasmine’s call stirred something inside me, something I couldn’t describe or define. The aftermath of our break-up went smooth for me; I didn’t reflect deeply on what happened because I met Maria the same day, and she engaged my mind and feelings since then. But hearing Jasmine’s shaky voice still shook me somehow. She wanted to see me the next day, and I couldn’t refuse. I still had a tender spot for her in my heart.

Ironically, she met me on the same bench where my rendezvous with Maria was. Jasmine was wearing the outfit I liked best. She was also adorned with accessories I had bought her throughout our relationship. She was still the most beautiful brunette with hazel eyes I have ever seen. I approached her cautiously, and only shook hands with her. But she gave me a smooth kiss on my cheek. I didn’t feel anything at the moment. Jasmine confronted me with her feelings, explaining how she was sorry for what had happened before. She promised she was willing to put all her effort into our relationship this time. She didn’t want to lose me. She was crying by the time she reminded me of our imminent first year anniversary...

I held her hand, and wiped the tears off her face. She did mean something to me at some point. But I realized right then that it wasn’t the same anymore. I tried to find a reason that made me want Jasmine back, but I couldn’t find any solitary emotion left for her in my heart. Indeed, I did cherish the relationship we had, but that had already been archived into the pages of the past for me. There was no doubt she still had ripe emotions for me; it was obvious. I, on the other hand, was hoping it was Maria’s hand I was holding instead of Jasmine’s. The biggest problem was that I felt too guilty to confess my lack of emotions when she was openly admitting her perpetuated love. That tender spot was sympathy, not love. I kept the conversation going, though; we discussed how our relationship had been going downhill for a while, and how we had changed throughout its ups and downs. I offered her my consolidation, but refrained from giving definite answers. Jasmine was obviously trying to redirect the plot of the conversation to the same point.

“But don’t you want to give it one more chance? We deserve this!” Jasmine didn’t know my emotional interest in her had ceased, and that someone else was reigning over my heart.

“Jasmine, you are a wonderful girl. But what if we end up in the same place like we did the first time?” I had to be as diplomatic as possible with her...

“Maybe we shouldn’t rush back into a full-fledged relationship right away,” she offered. “Nevertheless, I want you in my life. Take me out on a first date again. Remember how wonderful those days were? Let’s take it step-by-step all over again,” she pressed hard on my hand, and fixed her gaze at me; I knew her well enough still to know that this meant she was waiting for my answer.

“Maria...” 

It took me a while to realize my tongue slipped; luckily, she didn’t pay much attention to it.

“Jasmine!” It came out more like an answer or a statement rather than the beginning of a sentence. I didn’t know what to say next. I went blank! Mentioning Maria’s name broke my chain of thoughts. “Listen Jasmine, I need time to think about this. I can’t give you an answer right away.” I didn’t know what else to say! I couldn’t break her heart, but I couldn’t claim her as mine either.

“I love you Nick...”

Jasmine was on the verge of tears. She seldom cried before. My face turned red with shame; I couldn’t tell her I loved her too, I just didn’t feel it. Awkward silence hovered over us, pending the answer I didn’t have. Jasmine kept looking at me, as if convincing herself I would answer her any second. “Nick, don’t leave me hanging like this. Please!” Her hand was still holding mine. “Don’t drag my love around. Tell me right now, do you still love me or not?”

“I care about you Jasmine,” I lied; it was excruciating pain to push forth those fake words, but I couldn’t break her heart. Guilt demoralized me as I uttered another lie, “I do care. I just need some time to figure things out more clearly...” 

*** 

...The projection of memories stopped, and brought me back to my room and the morbid feeling that I was doing something wrong. I had been indirectly avoiding Jasmine since then. My sole pretext was that I needed more time. But the more I procrastinated, the harder I found it to confront her with the truth. Over and over I turned in my bed, as if searching for a solution in the folds of my sheets. I had to put an end to the collateral damage I was inflicting; I just didn’t know what to do. One person would truly understand my dilemma and help me solve it, I thought to myself. Peter couldn’t give me any helpful feedback in that area, neither could Mo or Tom. I needed some quality time with Sally.

Sally was a very close friend of mine. We met during my sophomore year when she was my registration guide, and our friendship grew strong in a very short period of time. She was one of the few people I would trust with my life. Sally graduated a year ahead of me, and was already working in a prestigious consultancy firm. We were both beyond busy most of the time, so we weren’t seeing each other very often; we only talked on the phone from time-to-time. Luckily the next day was a Sunday; I called her early in the morning, and we agreed to have lunch together later that day. 

We had lunch at Bliss Street, and went for a walk inside AUB. I had developed a strong sense of belonging to the campus in the past three years. I particularly admired it on Sundays when it was quiet and almost empty, and the scene of young children playing on the green oval gave me a sense of peace. Sally shared my taste in the tranquility of a Sunday-afternoon walk at AUB. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until I remembered how her company felt. We caught up on a lot of pent-up news. I was glad she was gradually acclimating to her new job. Naturally, at some point she asked me about Jasmine. The last update she had was rather obsolete; she only knew that we were passing through rough times. I explained how Jasmine and I had broken-up, how she tried to make-up again, how I was currently afraid of confronting her with the truth, and how puzzling it felt to have Maria standing in the middle of everything. I started from scratch and didn’t skip any minor detail, although it was agonizing to go through the subject all over again. Sally burst out laughing when I mentioned the ladies’ room part! But by the time I was done she had on her scrutinizing look that meant she was interpreting everything in her mind. I liked how she listened to the whole thing before giving her opinion.

“First of all, Jasmine doesn’t deserve this. She thinks you still care about her. She is going to keep convincing herself that you do. Do you know how hard this is?” Sally’s expressions were serious. I intended to answer, but she continued talking. Apparently it was a rhetorical question.

“It’s true I never liked her in person that much, but you made a huge mistake by not ending it right away when you had the chance. You shouldn’t have agreed to meet her in the first place.”

“I thought I might still care about her!” I knew I was starting to talk rubbish.

“You thought you might? You don’t think you might still care about someone. You just know this kind of thing.” She made utter sense, I thought to myself.

“I think Maria messed me up!”

“No. This is not the point. You don’t want to admit you moved on so fast, so you’re blaming it on Maria. Maybe you even started moving on before you actually broke-up!” she said, and gave me a deep look. I loved how Sally understood me in places where I lost track of myself. “The sooner, the better Nick. It is unfair for her. And you know it is the right thing to do,” she smiled at me. “And what about Maria?”

“It’s been a month and I’m still not over her. I keep dreaming about her!” I sounded rather pathetic, but Sally wasn’t a stranger.

“But how could you like her, much less love her? You barely know her! I think it’s just a crush,” Sally said, and we sat on a bench facing the green oval.

“I think it was meant to be. Think of it, what are the odds of entering the ladies’ room and falling asleep inside!?” Flashbacks were running back and forth in my mind. Feelings of happiness and bitterness clashed inside me. But my heart still felt light.

“Dude! You were drunk! How can you tell your perception wasn’t compromised?” I knew Sally was trying to bring me back to Earth. But what happened was indeed beyond the realms of reality. Sally continued, “Even worse, the girl is emotionally unavailable. Why don’t you get that?”

“The way she acted all night obviously showed she did like me. She didn’t mind giving me her number. We were doing great. By the way, she admitted her boyfriend was messing her up.” 

“Nick, that is her problem, not yours! It’s inappropriate to attach yourself to her. You know you can’t have her. Why bother yourself that much? This is just irrational.”

“Who said love is rational?” I asked without much thought.

“Ha! Fall in love then act irrationally. Don’t act irrationally and convince yourself you are in love. There is a huge difference.” Impatience was growing in Sally’s tone. We realized we weren’t going to reach a consensus, so we agreed to move to a less controversial topic.

Sunday afternoon reluctantly withered into night, and the battle inside me refused to ebb with the fading sun. I had two hard things lurking on my mind; first, I had to talk to Jasmine, and confess that I didn’t want to be with her any more. The second and definitely harder thing was alienating Maria from my feelings. I decided to start with the easier of the two, because only God knew how much it was going to take me to put Maria completely behind me. I reluctantly texted Jasmine, and asked her to meet me the next day. She answered right away with a very excited tone in her message, she said she would meet me at Jafet [Library] at five, and sealed her message with a kissing smiley. It was our thing...

All Monday I kept avoiding the idea that I had to confront Jasmine. Moreover, I struggled with keeping Maria at a distance from my thoughts; yet she still seeped into my mind very often. And repressing thoughts of her was both hard and painful. After a long and tedious day, the College Hall clock chimed five o’clock. I found myself walking to the library unwillingly and very slowly, as if wishing I wouldn’t make it on time and Jasmine would have left by then. I finally arrived at the rear stairs of College Hall facing the library fountain. I looked around the vicinity very quickly, but Jasmine was nowhere in sight. I sat down on the stairs, hoping she wouldn’t be late; I really wanted to get it over with as quick as possible. In spite of that feeling, somewhere deep inside I was still hoping against hope that she wouldn’t show up at all...but things don’t always go as one plans them.

Something beyond my control happened as I was waiting at the stairs of College Hall. A beautiful scent flared up into my senses. The opium-like scent I hadn’t forgotten, the one that reminded me of the red sofa and my recurrent dreams!

“Nick?” A familiar voice called my name. Only it wasn’t Jasmine. It was Maria! 

“Maria?” I was shocked to see her. A strange feeling pervaded me, a feeling of utter happiness. I hadn’t felt this way since the last time I saw her. My heartbeats accelerated, like they did in my dreams of Maria, only this time it was much more intense and real! But my mind intervened right away, dictating me to preserve my bruised dignity.

“Hi.” I held out my hand and shook her hand rather carelessly. I adopted an air of nonchalance to smother my sore ego. “How are you?” I asked, fighting the urge to hug her.

“I’ve had better days, but I’m okay. It’s been some time since I saw you,” she smiled gently. Her smile perplexed me; I couldn’t understand why she was being sweet. 

“One month exactly,” I said rather bitterly. I had to show her I wasn’t weak towards her at all. But she was looking intently into my eyes as if trying to see beyond my lie. I felt she was looking inside me; at the very essence of my being.

“I know. I have something to tell you Nick...”

“Hey baby! Sorry I’m late!” Jasmine’s lips found their way to my cheeks, and her arms were already around me. “Who’s your friend?” she asked happily. I couldn’t believe Jasmine had to show up at this particular moment!!

“Umm... this is Maria,” I said nervously. I looked anxiously at Maria; her expression was beyond grave. She looked as if she was frowning, but struggling not show it. She was alternating her look between Jasmine and me, apparently really confused at what was happening. I shook my head slightly in attempt to convey to her that Jasmine wasn’t important, but Jasmine blew it all off.

“Hi Maria. I am Jasmine, Nick’s girlfriend!” Jasmine said with a silly smile, and gave me another kiss on my cheek. I automatically withdrew myself, and removed her hands from my shoulders. A dormant emotion erupted in me, something beyond bruised ego and pride. Something beyond everything that had happened during the past month. It made me want to shout at the top of my throat NO! I felt the burning urge to explain to Maria that Jasmine wasn’t my girlfriend anymore, and that all what happened was a mere misconception.

“No, Maria!” I yelled, as Maria laughed sarcastically; she turned her back to us and was apparently leaving. I had to explain to her the truth, I had to know what she wanted to tell me... and I had to tell her I loved her! I had to tell her I loved her ever since I saw her!

“Nick, what are you doing!?” Jasmine exclaimed. “What’s wrong??”

“Just leave Jasmine. There is nothing between us anymore!” I said it with my eyes and mind still on Maria. I saw her entering the library; and without any further thinking I followed her. 

“Maria, Maria... wait!!” I yelled as I entered the library, but she didn’t look back; she disappeared to the right immediately. Everyone in the lobby of the library was looking at me, but I didn’t care. I followed to the right, but by the time I reached the top of the stairs, Maria had already descended the stairs very quickly, and was walking to the ladies’ room in the basement. I jumped down the stairs two at a time and ran to catch up with Maria. Eventually, I found myself facing the ladies’ room. I paused at the door for a moment, but I didn’t need to think any further. I had already entered the ladies’ room before by mistake when I was drunk. This time I was going to enter it deliberately and fully sober. My Maria was inside, and nothing could keep me away from her this time. 

I took a deep breath, pushed the door, and entered the ladies’ room once again...

TO BE CONTINUED... 

© 2009 Rami Daya

"In The Ladies' Room, Pt. 1" (Cover Post)

Saba7o LOVEanese! Today's post is actually part one of a two-part series. My good friend and fellow AUB alumnus, Rami Daya, told me about a short story series he wrote for a creative writing class at AUB in 2006, and then published on Facebook in February of 2007. He then independently followed-up with the next part of the story in 2009, and now he's in the process of writing the third part.

I read it, absolutely loved it, and asked for permission to publish it here--to which he happily consented! Also, don't let the name confuse you. Much to my surprise, it is NOT a "porno for stalkers."

Seriously, massive fail on my part

It's actually a very engaging and relatable story. And part two is even better! But it does take place in Lebanon, so hopefully anyone reading from there will be able to identify.

I'll post the first part now, and the second part later this week. Moreover, I encourage all of you to e-mail me at LOVEanonBlog@gmail.com if you would like to submit content you have created that is relevant to LOVEanon's themes. Alternatively, you can tweet me or Facebook me. I do not mind a guest post at all, just as long as the content is high-quality and relevant.

Without further ado, I present to you: 

In The Ladies' Room, Part 1 

By: Rami Daya

It was a Friday afternoon, and I was feeling blue. After a very turbulent week, I had a huge fight with my girlfriend, and our relationship was over. I didn't attend my classes in the afternoon; I decided to go home and sleep. When I sleep I stop thinking, and I was in desperate need for that. Luckily, no one was home; I threw my bag on the floor, and dived into my sole source of solace: my bed. I quickly fell into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of break-ups and misery. When I woke up hours later, the room was completely dark. It was drowned in silence except for a distant noise from my bag. It took me a while to understand that it was my cell phone. I got out of bed hastily, tripping over the edge of the carpet. Still lying on the floor, I stretched my hand and grabbed the phone from my bag. There were five missed calls from my friend Peter. I called him back reluctantly and still half-asleep.

“Where on earth are you?” He shouted right away.

“People might say Hi first!” I said laughingly. “I was asleep.”

“Hi sleepy-head! It's nine o'clock. The guys and I are going to the new club in Downtown. It's been a long time since we last went out.”

“I'm not sure Pete. I just broke up with Jasmine, and I'm not feeling very well. I think I need some time alone,” I said miserably. I was in no mood for clubbing at all.

“Come on man. Don't stress about it. Tonight we'll have fun, and you will forget her for sure. Besides, you were way too good for her.” Peter's tone got higher, which meant he wasn't being completely honest, I could tell he was trying to compliment me.

“I don't know man. I'm not so sure...”

“Please Nick. We are counting on you to have so much fun. And you need this man!” he retorted. Peter was very persuasive; I was actually starting to change my mind.

“Well... Okay. When will you pick me up?”

I shaved and showered relatively fast! Then hastily dressed up and fixed my hair. By then, it was almost ten. I took some money from my closet and left my parents a note (I was starting to wonder where they were!). I heard Peter's impatient horn outside, and rushed to meet him and the guys. He was sitting in the driver's seat; Mo and Tom were in the back. I sat in the front next to Peter, and we hit the road. Peter had been my friend since intermediate school. We did a lot of things together: we studied together, went out on double dates together, and even got our driver's license together. Except that he had a car and I didn't. Mo and Tom were also good friends of ours ever since high school. We all went to the same university, but with very different majors. Still, we remained good friends.

“So, you finally broke up? I saw that coming ever since the holidays you know,” Tom said. Tom always had a knack to predict things!

“Girls come and go like seasons! You will find someone much better,” Mo said laughingly. Mo had a record for short-lived relationships. He never lasted more than a month with a girl!

“I intend to take a break for the mean time. Maybe set my priorities again and do all the things I have been neglecting lately,” I said rather pitifully. I sounded old!

“You always say that!” Peter said as he burst out into laughter. “Remember when you broke-up the previous times? You always fixed yourself with someone else fast. You are a natural Nick. You will find someone quickly, I know that.”

“I just want to have some fun tonight to lighten me up. I deserve it.” I really wanted to change the topic of the conversation, so I asked Peter about the Premier League. This would definitely ensure no more talk about Jasmine.

We arrived, and made our way past the steroid-infused bouncers. The club was really big! There were more than thirty tables, a grand bar on one side, and a huge dance floor in the middle. There was a small cabinet higher than the floor facing the bar. A young DJ was sitting in it, apparently revising the songs he would be playing for the night. We found an empty table and ordered four beers as starters. I was hungry but I thought it would be odd to order food. The guys just wanted to drink all night! We sipped beer and talked about funny things. They were obviously trying to cheer me up. In an hour's time, all the tables were full, the lights went out, and the DJ started spinning. Crazy lights flashed from the ceiling all over the place.

“I like it,” I lied to the guys, “It's fun!” The truth is that I wasn't very fond of crowds...

“Look at all the girls over there!” Peter exclaimed, pointing to our left. The tables were literally filled with extremely good-looking girls. We ordered more beer, and then moved to the whiskey shots. I was drinking as much water as possible because my stomach was empty. I knew I would get drunk, but I was somehow okay with that...

Already tipsy, Peter asked a girl to dance, and both of them disappeared in the crowds. Mo and Tom had their eyes on two girls, and decided to ask them to dance as well. By then I was officially drunk, but I liked the sense of euphoria it gave me. I decided to go to the restroom to kill some time while the guys were busy. I stood up slowly, and walked carefully lest I trip over someone. My senses weren't at their best, and I didn't have a good history with drunken episodes. 

I was walking so slowly that it felt like a journey to the restroom. I couldn't help noticing that the bathroom was really clean and smelled very nice. It even had a small red sofa in the corner. I stood for a while, admiring the beauty of it. I looked around for the urinals, but I didn't find any. “They must be doing their annual maintenance,” I muttered to myself as I entered a stall. After an unusually long visit, I stepped out walking in zig-zags. As I was washing my hands, I rediscovered the presence of the sofa. I felt it was calling upon me! I thought I would give it a try; it occurred to me that I haven't ever sat on a sofa in a bathroom. Laughing at my drunken humor, I threw myself at the sofa, and lay back for a while. The sofa was really cozy and comfortable. I hugged a smooth red pillow, adjusted my head into a sleeping position, and without thinking of anything... I just slept.

It felt as if I had slept for long hours, and I woke up with a slight headache. I opened my eyes quickly, aware that I was drunk, and hoping that I didn't do anything stupid. A girl was crouching over the sofa, gently sprinkling water on my face!

“Are you okay? Do you know you're in the ladies' room?” she asked inquisitively. She was very puzzled, but wow, she looked so beautiful (or maybe I was imagining!). Her bright blue eyes with mascara on their contours were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen!

“Hello, can you hear me?” she asked again when she saw I was staring blankly at her, waving her hand in front of my face.

“What? The ladies' room?? I guess I walked in by mistake! I'm sorry,” I sat up quickly and rubbed my eyes, “I guess I was too drunk to realize I entered the wrong bathroom!” I sounded so stupid.

“You boys don't know when to stop drinking, do you?” she smiled. At that point I shifted half of my attention from her eyes to her smile. She was amazingly beautiful!

“I'm really sorry for the inconvenience,” I said rather sheepishly.

“It's okay!” She smiled again, and my heart sank deep into the sofa. “You have to be really funny to walk into the ladies' room by mistake!” she continued.

“Heavens! Was she hitting on me? Should I make my move?” All these thoughts rushed inside my head at once. But her beauty made me gain consciousness somehow. I simply knew what would be the best thing to do next. I loved it when I just knew what to do! I smiled at her gently, “As a thank you for waking me up, may I ask you for a dance?”

She blushed a little and smiled again. “Well, I have never had such an offer for waking someone in a bathroom. Sure, why not!” she said. I felt extremely ecstatic to gain her consent!

“My name is Nick, by the way!” I said confidently as I held out my hand.

“My name is Maria,” she replied as she shook my hand. She tried to say something, but laughed instead, then she rephrased it. “Um, but before we dance, I have to use the bathroom. That's why I came here in the first place!” she blushed again, and we both burst into laughter. This was a once in a lifetime situation, I thought to myself! Still somehow, I couldn't take my eyes off her; she was too good to be true!

“I'll wait for you outside then,” I said, and walked out sheepishly. It was much harder to walk out than in! I rushed to the men's room and washed my face. Then I rushed back to our table; Peter was sitting there with a beautiful girl. I could tell from the way he held his head that he was still drunk.

“Look man, do you have any Tic-Tac's?” I asked with haste.

“Tic-Tacs?” he looked at me blankly. He looked drunkenly hilarious!

“Just give me a Tic-Tac!' I shouted angrily. He pulled a pack out of his pocket and gave it to me. Then he went back to talking to the girl next to him. Tom and Mo suddenly came back, and Mo gave me one of his angry looks.

“Where have you been? We were worried about you!” he shouted.

“I was in the bathroom!” I retorted (I was actually telling the truth). “Never mind, I'll be back later. I'm going to dance.” I could tell they all felt I was weird. But I couldn't explain anything. I rushed back to the bathrooms, and found her standing next to the door.

“I thought you fell asleep somewhere else!” she said smiling.

“You've got a sense of humor!” I said. Her blue eyes looked more beautiful in the darker setting outside. “Shall we dance now?” I held out my hand for her. At that time, blood was pumping in my adrenaline and not the other way around!

She was a good dancer, and so was I. We both danced so well that we weren't even talking. We were just concentrating on our moves. Dancing is a language of its own. I indulged in keeping eye contact with her all the time, and occasionally smiling bashfully. While we were dancing, I mutely told her that I think she is cute. She blushed, and smiled in return. Her eyes told me she was enjoying her time.

“What time is it Maria?” I had to shout in her ear a little bit so she could hear me. I had totally lost track of time. She looked at her watch and signaled “two” with her fingers.

“I'm tired” She said. “Can we rest for now?”

We sat down at the bar so we could talk.

“What do you do in life?” 

“I am a senior at AUB,” I said (I always liked the “senior at AUB” part).

“Oh really? I go to AUB too! I'm a political science junior. What about you?” Her eyes seemed to widen in interest, it made them look more enchanting than ever.

“I'm majoring in medical laboratory. I'll be graduating this year, but I intend to continue my master's degree at AUB!”

“This is really interesting!” She smiled back.

We talked about many things, and the time slipped quickly. There was so much chemistry between us; I couldn't believe this was happening! Unfortunately, she had to leave at three with her friends. We exchanged phone numbers, and promised to meet each other on Monday. The guys and I had to leave too. Peter wasn't completely sober, so I drove on the way back.

“Seems you've already found someone! You are unbelievable!” Tom said. “She looks amazing. What's her name?”

“Maria!” I sighed. My heart felt very light, and it definitely wasn't from the alcohol anymore. It was a good night after all.

I stopped at my house and said goodbye to my friends. Mo would drive the rest of the way because it was too risky for Peter. I climbed the stairs thinking about how lucky I was to find an amazing girl like Maria, and in such speed! I opened the door very quietly; my parents were asleep, but they left me a note saying, “You're late... again!” I couldn't care less! I went to bed thinking of Maria, the red sofa, and the accidental entrance to the ladies' room. I couldn't wait for Monday to come!

TO BE CONTINUED...

© 2007 Rami Daya

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Saba7o/namaste LOVEanese! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to blog again, but when you work 9 hours a day, the last thing you want to do is work more when you get home. Believe it or not, these posts generally take me quite a long time to do--anywhere between 5-10 hours total between researching, reviewing, reading, condensing the material, writing, editing, formatting, referencing, finding photos/video/media, and publicizing (for instance, I started working on this post at around 10:30 AM-ish, and only finished it at around 8:45 PM). Each post (particularly the research-intensive ones) are basically like a class paper. So, thank you for your patience! Perhaps I need to find a more adaptable/workable model now that I'm not in grad school anymore (and, thus, I don't have as much time to work on what I want), but I don't want to sacrifice quality.

Also, thank you for so many wonderful comments on the last post. The kinds of feedback I got were absolutely amazing. Just don't give up on love!

Before I begin with the post, as usual, I just want to highlight some cool resources/links I found over the past few weeks.

1. The first is about how beneficial hugging and physical touch is for our health and well-being.

2. The second contains some advice to NEVER take. These are some of the worst things you can hear. Generally, if someone gives you any of these cliche, overgeneralized, short answers--whether you're married or not--don't take them. It's scary because much of this is coming from friends or family most likely as well.

3. The third is an interesting take on why romantic comedies (rom-coms) have gone downhill, and actually regressed over time.

4. The fourth comes from Science of Relationships, one of my top favorite and most-recommended relationship resources out there. It's a summary of the top three predictors of successful relationships, including: positive illusions, commitment, and love. While love and commitment are self-explanatory, positive illusions are "useful cognitive biases that let you think your boyfriend or girlfriend is the greatest person in the world. Positive illusions refer to the way you see your partner and how you understand his or her actions." Check out the article for more information.

5. The fifth alludes to previous posts/my thesis, and regards the question: what is love? However, in this case, it's funny how sometimes science isn't as accurate as something else: children. This is an account of what love is based on 4-8 year-old kids, and it's truly touching.

6. The sixth is about how young Indians are turning to online dating to curtail arranged marriage. Also included in the article is an exposé by my friend Lakshmi over at Chai With Lakshmi on new ways that middle-class Indians are meeting potential partners in Bangalore.

7. The sixth is actually not the main article (although it is just as interesting in and of itself), but it's actually the slideshow at the end. I found that each slide has great advice that I suggest everyone reflect on.

8. The last could be a post itself, but since it already fostered a vibrant Facebook discussion, I just wanted to mention it here instead of dedicating a post to it. It's entitled, "Diamonds Are A Sham And It's Time We Stop Getting Engaged With Them." Here is a summary of the article: "Americans exchange diamond rings as part of the engagement process, because in 1938, [the American jewelry company] De Beers decided that they would like us to. Nearly every (American) marriage begins with a diamond because a bunch of rich white men in the '40s convinced everyone that it determines your self-worth. You think that you need to spend two month’s salary on a ring because the suppliers of the product said so. Diamonds are not actually scarce, make a terrible investment, and are purely valuable as a status symbol. Diamonds...are bullshit."

In response to the article, I stated that, while of course it's everyone's personal decision to make and there is a great social emphasis to buy a diamond since so many individuals are socialized into understanding that's just "how it works," there are things to consider. When many American (and Lebanese, and many other) couples are already in debt, expensive rings and weddings really are the last thing we need. It just goes to show that when it comes to personal finance, we have absolutely NO regard what is best for our children. People have agency. They can do what they want. But diamonds are arbitrarily expensive. Most people getting married (in the US specifically I mean) already have massive amounts of student loan and/or credit card debt. How is it prudent to tell them that they need invest in a worthless (money-wise) investment in order to prove their loyalty? I just don't think it's contributing to creating new marriages on a healthy footing. That said, will I buy one one day? Maybe, we'll see. But the sheer idea that you HAVE to definitely bothers me.

Feel free to share your comments about this below. And for more information, check out this in-depth article in The Atlantic.

Oh right, and that...

So, now that all of that business is out of the way, we can get into the heart of this post. As you can tell by the title, this post is all about ex's: ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-everything. I'm sure almost all of you can relate to this topic, regardless of your cultural background (although, bearing in mind the purpose of this blog, don't forget that a lot of people out there don't even have the luxury of dating, or the ability to divorce). I am also happy that this post can get back to the normal paradigm that has defined LOVEanon, and that is a review of a subject based on relationship research. As I said, most people have an ex-boyfriend and/or ex-girlfriend out there somewhere. However, can you and should you stay friends/connected with them after the break-up? This was actually a question posed by a friend, and he asked me to tackle the issue.

  You know what they're talking about...

When I did an initial Google search out of curiosity, I was blown away by how many results there were:

843,000,000 results!

However, it's not surprising. For years, I've heard of people grappling with the question. After I took that screenshot, I just wanted to see what some of the first few links that came up said. Again, I was surprised. Some of the advice from the different links didn't sound as bad as I had assumed it would actually. For instance, the two authors of the book DUMPED presented a 10-point list of things you shouldn't do after a break-up that I thought was sound advice. Another was this one from WikiHow of all places. It details some steps to take that could help preserve a relationship after the break-up, and has a nice video at the end as well (however, I suggest that before taking any of that advice, you check out Battegalia, Richard, Datteri, and Lord's (1998) very interesting study that analyzed various factors associated with breaking-up, and synthesized a script for relationship dissolution). This one's from the folks at eHarmony (an online dating service) that presents three reasons why it could be a good idea to stay friends, and three reasons why it may not be a good idea to stay friends. Lastly, this article out of Australia, it documented stories of different couples, and how they either remained and or did not remain friends. One of the best quotes was this: "Psychologist Dr Melissa Keogh told news.com.au there was no black and white when it came to developing a friendship after a breakup, but there was one golden rule: if you are still in love with that person, do not go there."

And let the funny photos related to ex's commence!

Of course, even if it appears to be sound advice, it doesn't necessarily make it so. And if you've read this blog long enough, you know what I'm referring to: none of it (aside from the quote from the psychologist and perhaps from the two aforementioned authors) is coming from relationship counselors, researchers, or experts. So, to get some research/expert-based perspectives, and to try and distil a more accurate answer to this question, I turned to--you guessed it--Science of Relationships (SofR). I found many articles from them on this subject, and I'll outline them below:

The first was a Q&A with the appropriately-named Dr. Tim Loving, a relationship researcher and psychologist, co-founder/frequent collaborator on SofR, and Associate Editor of the journal Personal Relationships. In other words, the guy's got some serious cred. In a response to a letter someone submitted asking about whether or not a girl and her ex-boyfriend should be friends (as they were), he discussed "cognitive interdependence" (Agnew, Van Lange, Rusbult, and Langston, 1998), or what is developed when we become more involved and committed to a partner. He concludes that the more you stay in touch with your ex and the more you do things with him/her, the harder it is going to be for you to emotionally and cognitively disengage from them. Moreover, bear in mind that love really is like a drug--in terms of how it affects our brain (Bartels and Zeki, 2000; Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong, and Mashek, 2010). Thus, when you break-up (especially if it was an emotionally intense relationship), it's analogous to overcoming a drug addiction or quitting smoking, cold turkey.

RIP Mitch

Dr. Loving didn't necessarily say yes or no (and I think as we will see, there's often not one straight yes or no answer to most questions regarding relationship matters), however, he did shed light on the consequences of not respecting space. In another SofR article, Dr. Brent Mattingly offered some statistics to help frame the facts as well as six ways you can stay friends after a breakup that are supported by research. For instance, according to one study, "about 60% of ex-partners do not have contact with one another post-break-up (Kellas, Bean, Cunningham, and Cheng, 2008). He then gave the six factors that make it more likely for couples to stay friends after a break-up (otherwise known as post-relationship dissolution (or termination) friendship):

1. Being friends before the romantic relationship commenced.

2. If the breakup was mutual, or if it was initiated by a man (assuming a heterosexual relationship).

3. If they are still attracted to one another (however, it is important to avoid the often-doomed "on-again/off-again" relationships (e.g., Dailey, Rossetto, Pfiester, and Surra, 2009; Halpern-Meekin, Manning, Giordano, and Longmore, 2013).

4. If the romantic relationship was satisfying.

5. If there is friend, family, and social network support (something I have blogged about extensively).

(I purposefully omitted number six because I will discuss it later).

What do each of these tell us? He provides a great analysis of each as well as the references for where he gleaned the information, and I suggest you check out his words instead of my paraphrased ones because it's really interesting. But I will say that it adds even more layers to the complexity of finding an appropriate answer.

Of course, things are always easier if she doesn't have superpowers 

In yet another SofR article, researcher Samantha Joel offers research-based advice on how to get over an ex. She discusses detaching--similar to what Dr. Loving advised. Taking his and Samantha's advice further, in social psychological literature, a dominant paradigm within human interaction theories is attachment theory. It was developed primarily by English psychologist John Bowlby and Canadian-American psychologist Mary Ainsworth (e.g., Bowlby 1977, (1983) [1969]. For a more in-depth and detailed description, see: Ainsworth and Bowlby (1991), or read here and here), and then expanded to adult attachment relationships by Hazan and Shaver (1987, 1992). Initially, it described the relationship between children and caregivers, but Hazan and Shaver observed that interactions between romantic partners share similarities between children-caregiver interactions such as wanting to be close in proximity, feeling comfort in their presence, and anxious and/or lonely when they are apart. According to the authors, "attachment theory emphasizes the full cycle of relationships--their formation, maintenance, and dissolution--and the defining features of an attachment relationship include reactions to both the presence and absence of an attached figure" (Hazan and Shaver, 1992: 90).  Thus, understanding how attachment works as adults is key to navigating your personal feelings after a breakup that could ultimately determine how you and your ex-partner interact.

Examples of attachment gone wrong. Yeah... about that......

In the final SofR article I want to review, Dr. Amy Muise discusses whether or not you should stay friends with your ex on social media, most notably, Facebook. She mainly discusses how, often, social media is used to monitor your ex-partner, making it harder for you (and perhaps them if they find out) to get over that person and recover from the breakup. She also stated, "in addition, simply remaining friends with ex-partners (regardless of the amount of time spent monitoring their activities) had mixed consequences for break-up recovery. Keeping a partner on your Facebook friend list was actually associated with fewer negative emotions and less desire and longing for a partner; however, remaining Facebook friends with an ex was also associated with less personal growth following the break-up" (information cited from Marshall, 2012). In the end, however, she does not advise to either delete them or not.

I think you get the point. P.S. Guy or girl regardless, DON'T be this person.

Something that has been addressed until this point is that the majority--if not all--of these studies were specific to heterosexual relationships. But what about LGBTQ relationships? First of all (Kurdek, 1991) found no differences between gay and lesbian individuals in how they reacted to a relationship ending. Furthermore, non-responsiveness of the partner and absence/emotional distance were what mainly contributed to relationship dissolution. However, can they stay friends after a breakup? Remember the sixth point from the SofR article above? According to the author, "there is emerging evidence that gays and lesbians are more likely to remain friends post-dissolution than their heterosexual counterparts. Researchers theorize that this is because the members of the couple share membership in an oppressed/marginalized group (i.e., gays/lesbians), and there is a strong desire to maintain strong group bonds" (citing Harkless and Fowers (2005)).

With all of this information presented, what are the key conclusions? First of all, there is never a right way to break-up. In fact, I've always said, "there's no right way to break up, but there's a hell of whole lot of wrong ways." SofA seems to agree (they have an excellent article about the best and worst ways to break-up). Second of all, getting over your ex is incredibly important--both for your personal well-being as well as theirs. But also, it doesn't just affect you. It affects those around you--your friends, family, co-workers. It affects your future too. Think about it, if you're not over your ex, how is that fair to your future partner? Lastly, you shouldn't feel haunted. Being attached is a natural part of the loving process. But breaking out of the interdependence that is often fostered is a healthy way to attain emotional recovery. Jumping into another relationship isn't exactly wise either as rebound relationships often end up with someone getting hurt. 

So, why is this all relevant, and what is the final answer to this question of whether or not you can be friends with your ex? The fact is that the answer is: it depends. Why did you break up? What were the circumstances? Was it mutual? How long were you together? Were you friends before? What is your geographic proximity? Was the relationship abusive in any way? (and if so, I definitely don't recommend being friends). How does the break-up affect your social networks? Even things like how old are you, was it a marriage or a nonmarital relationship, each of your levels of maturity, how much you care about the other person, and, of course, what was the degree of attachment and love that you felt? As I said, there is no perfect answer. But the fact is, often staying in close contact with someone after a breakup (which are, without doubt, one of the most emotionally stressful experiences of being human (Sprecher, 1994)) can often exacerbate and prolong any feelings of discomfort, unhappiness, or dissatisfaction. If you broke-up, you probably broke up for a good reason, whether it was infidelity, incompatibility, or a host of other reasons, and you need to consider your own feelings as well as theirs. And remember, time heals all. Maybe you need time apart. But, again, that's something no one else can determine other than you and your partner. Bear in mind that, depending on who breaks up with who, there is also a power differential there, and regardless of whether they/you are hurt as well, undoubtedly, the feelings of the person breaking up won't feel as hurt as the person getting broken-up with (in general, anyway). If you want to preserve the friendship element of the relationship, communication is key. But so is respecting the other person's space. And negotiating between these two is tricky. I am not sure how to do so either, especially since it depends on the relationship and its dynamics. Whatever the case, I definitely recommend you cease physical activity at the least (i.e., stop sleeping with each other).

We should all strive to be like this, but especially if you're heart is broken, it is hard.

I apologize if the conclusion leaves you frustrated. Perhaps the question isn't so much of can you be friends with your ex, but should you be. I know it basically took over a year and half for one of my ex's and I to talk again, and now we're good friends. But I was also much younger, and I realize that as you get older, your feelings for someone not only often become more intense, but you have much more to lose because you invest more. So, there could be the possibility of resentment and other negative emotions that play out. Perhaps as you get older, it is harder to stay friends because when you were younger, you can just play off your mistakes as just that: "we were kids."

What are you comments? Are you friends with your ex(s)? Let me know! And also, don't forget to like LOVEanon's Facebook Page to get weekly posts with links, videos, photos, and other resources, or follow me on Twitter (@MikeOghia). 

And as always, spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

References:

Ainsworth, Mary D. Salter, and John Bowlby. 1991. "An Ethological Approach to Personality Development." American Psychologist, 46(4): 333-341.

Agnew, Christopher R., Paul A. M. Van Lange, Caryl E. Rusbult, and Christopher A. Langston. 1998. "Cognitive Interdependence: Commitment and the Mental Representation of Close Relationships." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(4): 939-954.

Battaglia, Dina M., Francis D. Richard, Darcee L. Datteri, and Charles G. Lord. 1998. "Breaking Up is (Relatively) Easy to Do: A Script for the Dissolution of Close Relationships." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(6): 829-845.

Bowlby, John. 1983 [1969]. Attachment: Attachment and Loss (vol. 1) (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Basic Books.

----. 1977. "The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds. I. Aetiology and Psychopathology in the Light of Attachment Theory. An Expanded Version of the Fiftieth Maudsley Lecture, Delivered Before the Royal College of Psychiatrists, 19 November 1976." The British Journal of Psychiatry, 130: 201-210.

Bartels, Andreas, and Semir Zeki. 2000. "The Neural Basis of Romantic Love." Motivation, Emotion, Feeding, & Drinking, 11(17): 3829-3834.

Dailey, René M., Kelly R. Rossetto, Abigail Pfiester, Catherine A. Surra. 2009. "A Qualitative Analysis of On-again/Off-again Romantic Relationships: "It's Up and Down, All Around."" Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26: 443-466.

Fisher, Helen E., Lucy L. Brown, Arthur Aron, Greg Strong, and Debra Mashek. 2010. "Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated with Rejection in Love." Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1): 51-60.

Halpern-Meekin, Sarah, Wendy D. Manning, Peggy C. Giordano, Monica A. Longmore. 2013. "Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/Off Relationships and Sex With an Ex."  

Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2): 166-188.

Harkless, Lynne. E., and Blaine J. Fowers. 2005. "Similarities and Differences in Relational Boundaries Among Heterosexuals, Gay Men, and Lesbians." Psychology of Women Quarterly, 29(2): 167-176.

Hazan, Cindy, and Phillip A. Shaver. 1992. "Broken Attachments: Relationship Loss From the Perspective of Attachment Theory." Pp. 90-108 in Close Relationship Loss: Theoretical Approaches, edited by Terri L. Orbuch. New York, NY: Springer.

----. 1987. "Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment  Process." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3): 511–523.

Kellas, Jody K., Dawn Bean, Cherakah Cunningham, and Ka Yun Cheng. 2008. "The Ex-files: Trajectories, Turning Points, and Adjustment in the Development of Post-dissolutional Relationships." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25: 23-50.

Kurdek, Lawrence A. 1991. "The Dissolution of Gay and Lesbian Couples" Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8: 265-278.

Marshall, Tara C. 2012. "Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with Post-Breakup Recovery and Personal Growth." Cyberpsychology, Behavior, & Social Networking, 15(10): 521-526.

Sprecher, Susan. 1994. "Two Sides to the Breakup of Dating Relationships." Personal Relationships, 1: 199-222.

For further reading, see:

Stephen, Timothy. 1987. "Attribution and Adjustment to Relationship Termination." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4: 47-61.

P.S. I always loved this song about ex's (ironically, introduced to me by an ex):