Dating Pt. 1: Meeting Your Habibi

Sabah el kheir LOVEanese! I'm so sorry I haven't been posting recently and I've been on a temporary hiatus (as you can see, my last past was a month ago--yikes!), I've just been so busy/overwhelmed by my thesis edits. Luckily, it really is almost done this time. So, stay pumped for it, it'll be coming out soon-ish. I also have to admit that--as you can imagine I hope--I've also just been a bit burned out of writing. It takes a lot to write one of my posts, and I've just been needed a break from it all. Also, I must admit something as well. Since I've been in a relationship (read: since she moved to Lebanon), I've already learned so many things that books, articles, academics, and the Internet could never teach me. It's left me a bit overwhelmed as well. I've just realized how little I actually know, and how much you learn about relationships and love simply from you own experiences. Anyways, like I always say: I'm not an expert, and I'm learning just like everyone else. I'm not the teacher, just a student of love and life as well. I hope to be re-inspired though, and as I always say, you should comment and challenge anything I say. Also, don't be afraid to suggest content.

I digress with some quick updates for you, LOVEanon was featured in another magazine recently! Communicate Levant featured the Valentine's Day post in their new issue. Also, Masculine Magazine featured LOVEanon as well (so now a total of four magazines have covered the blog, these two aforementioned magazines, RagMag, and TaGgED).

Communicate Levant's feature

(Close up)

That's not the only blog-related news. Last week, Emma Gatten from the Daily Star interviewed me on a piece she is writing about dating in Lebanon. I talked with her for a long time, and I hope I gave her some useful information (you can read it here). But honestly, there's just not a lot that's really been written about dating in Lebanon. It seems from my research that individuals tend to know a bit about what is normative, but otherwise, it's just a huge guessing game--that is when it comes to many aspects of dating such as what to do, when to do it, and how to meet someone.

This is especially true with the last one. Have you ever really thought about where you are meeting people? Where that "special someone" might be hiding, just waiting for you to lock eyes with them? Honestly, for the average Lebanese man or woman, there aren't many options available. I'm going to argue that there are really three ways most meet here in Lebanon: Through family, family friends, in-laws, etc., at uni, or at work. These are the social spaces that are most active in individual's lives: the home, the school/university, and the workplace. The biggest limitation to these spaces, however, is that they don't always have new faces for you to meet, and when they do, it's all about luck if you actually find them attractive.

"Chouuu ya helwi! Yalla, come cook and dance for me while I look in the mirror at my hairs."

Does this sound familiar? You go to work, see the same people. You go out with your friends, the same friends you've had for years, doing the same thing, at the same place? You go to uni, talk to the same people in the same courses? Or do you not go out on a Friday night because you're too tired and have to work the next day; thus, meeting people is impossible? Or did your parents try to introduce you to someone, but you just don't click? Or you meet someone at a wedding, but they're weird. Or your mom has a friend who knows someone who's eligible, and you meet, but there's just nothing there. Or a friend really want you to meet one of their cousins, but it just doesn't work. Have you ever felt like that?

Let's just face it: there really aren't enough space in most people's lives to really meet someone. And I'd say this gets even harder if you're a woman who is in her late 20s or older. Anyone ever wonder why? Think about it like this. I talked about it a bit in this LOVEanon post, but relationships are already conditioned by so much and by so many people/groups in Lebanon that it's really not hard to understand why dating is difficult too. First of all, consider that dating is more or less a newer concept in the country. Perhaps it was ok to date in Beirut in the past, but it is and was a contentious topic--at least for most of the country. Along with the "newness" of dating, there's also the conditions that I mentioned that are required in a partner such as the same social background, same religion/sect, being from a good family (has anyone ever really figured out what that means!?), and if it's a man, a good job. If it's a woman, well... have a good reputation and produce good, healthy, religious children.

Well, maybe not these kind of religious kids...

Outside of school, work, and family networks, other places that are available for some include cafes, malls, bars/pubs/clubs, and as I mentioned in this post, the Internet. I've heard a lot about how people meet either intentionally or accidentally through Facebook for instance, or through dating sites like OkCupid. To me, this says that there is not enough space for individuals to interact--especially free of the conditions that are often placed on them. Moreover, proximity and sameness are inherently related. I think I've mentioned it before, but if you're Maronite and you live in Bikfaya and you've gone to Catholic school your whole life, and then you go to USJ or NDU and you meet another Maronite, it's normal. Your chances of meeting some different are a lot less than someone who has moved all over Lebanon. We segregate ourselves, and that ultimately affects who we meet, who we love, and who we marry.

This post is kind of a deviation from how I usually write, but I just wanted to share the thought with you. I'm really interested in knowing where you meet people, how you date, what the expectations of dating are, and how you meet new people in particular. Please talk about your experience in the comments!

And if you do empathize with what I'm saying, there are a few shallow suggestions. The first is go out to a new place. Not the same pub or restaurant or bar. Go to a new place or location, try something new. Even if you're going with your friends, this can be fun and exciting. Alternatively, try grabbing drinks with those individuals who you keep saying you'll go out with but you never "have time to." Make time. Especially if you're feeling the marriage bug and you're looking for someone to no avail. 9/10 times, they aren't going to just fall into your lap. Be proactive! Even though I said a sad reality is that the social spaces for meeting someone are limited, it's not impossible. You just have to work a bit harder.

Let me know how you do it, and how it works. There's obviously so many motifs and images in the media and in Hollywood movies showing what dating is, but it doesn't really echo reality, especially the reality here.

Share your thoughts, and as always: spread the love,
-Ogie

P.S. See you next week! Any content suggestions? Thanks for reading :)

Valentine's Day: Love it or Leave it?

"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." - Khalil Gibran

Sabah el kheir LOVEanese! So, today is THE day. And no, I don't mean that it's the 7th anniversary of the Hariri assassination (although I will admit that a friend who will remain anonymous actually thought we didn't have class/work today in Lebanon because of Valentine's Day). No, no... though that was a very big event in Lebanon's past, today is the "day of love."

For anyone that's in a relationship, you know what that means: dinner reservations, flowers, nice gifts, love poems (or bad attempt at love poems), even some bad gifts. For anyone that's single, today is pretty much the worst day ever, one that is saturated with condemnation and criticism. Valentine's Day is supposedly celebrating the Christian Saint, Valentine (or Valentinus), and may have originated from the Roman fertility festival known as Lupercalia.

However, in today's world, VDay comes with Valentine's Day Tweets, V-Day marketing promotions, Facebook pages painted in red hearts, Hollywood movies dedicated to the day (OK, not surprising)...

Even a Google Doodle! Bonus: check out this link for the same video, but also for some cool comments at the bottom.

Love is all around us here in Lebanon, from heart-shaped graffiti on the highway walls, to the cuddling-lovers in downtown Beirut next to the Roman Bathhouse ruins. Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why we "celebrate" this day? Anyone ever thought about why it's so tough to book a table for two on February 14 in Lebanon? Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why when you're passing by Vera Moda, or Librairie Antoine, or Books and Pens, or Maliks, or Deek Duke, there's Valentine's Day messages posted everywhere? 

Vera Moda (clothing store) - Hamra

Both photos are from Librairie Antoine (bookstore) - Hamra

COOP (grocer) - Hamra

Maliks/Books and Pens (stationery) - Bliss St.

Deek Duke (restaurant) - Hamra

MTC Touch Valentine's Day advertisement and the Almaza VDay advert below

It's in our art too. Taken from the blog of my friend Sareen, Ink on the Side

Don't you think it's a bit weird that we do this? We = Lebanese. Sure, it's done in the U.S., but has anyone really ever thought about how this "tradition" was imported to Lebanon? Let me give you a hint:

Yep. Murr TV. While Valentine's Day may have been celebrated in sparse areas of Lebanon before, it was apparently only in the last few years when MTV started using Valentine's Day in their promotional "Je t'aiMurr" (a play on the French way of saying "I love you"). While the person who told me this is someone I trust as a credible source, I can only imagine it was inevitable with globalization and the onset of corporate capitalism flooding Lebanon like botox and silicon flooding the bodies of plastic surgery tourists.

Have you ever stopped to wonder why Valentine's Day is celebrated period? There's a lot of answers out there. Which one you get generally depends on someone's mood, relationship status, and overall life outlook. Some might say that it's a "fake" holiday, invented by companies like Hallmark to market products and rub everyone's lovey-dovey kissing faces in the faces of those who don't have anyone to kiss. Other people say that it's a wonderful holiday where we can all come together and celebrate love, life, and relationships. Check out this infographic for some history:

It might be too small to read, so just check the link

You can check out this website or the Wikipedia page of Valentine's Day for more information, but basically it's a bit like Christmas. Love, beauty, sexuality, passion, fertility, and desire have been celebrated by people throughout history such as the Greeks (Aphrodite), the Romans (Venus), and many other pagan groups such as some from Mesopotamia who had this one:

Meet ʻAṯtaru. You might remember her from the second Hell Boy movie.

But it was only when early Christian martyr(s) named Valentine became a saint(s) and celebrated through the Catholic Church by Pope Gelasius I in the late 3rd century AD on the day February 14th based on the Gregorian Calendar to "replace" the pagan feast Lupercalia (Dude, it's JUST like Christmas!). It was later in the European Middle Ages did Valentine's Day become associated with love and romance. According to The History Channel, "During the Middle Ages, it was commonly believed in France and England that February 14 was the beginning of birds' mating season, which added to the idea that the middle of Valentine's Day should be a day for romance." Over time, the love theme was expanded even more, and it transformed from a religious celebration with elements of romance to a full-fledged day dedicated to love.

So, that's the history. But what about all the talk about the connection between Valentine's Day and money? It is undoubtedly influenced by product marketing. How do I know? Check out this infographic:

Perhaps there are a few bucks to be made from Valentine's Day, but that could be said basically for anything (Christmas, Barbara/Halloween, Independence Day, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, engagements, births, deaths...). This is just simply the world we live in. However, we do not live in a world that is dominated solely by American or European discourses of love either. Let's not forget Layla and Majnun, 'Antar wa 'Abla, The Thousand and One Nights, and others that are all older than tales like Romeo and Juliet or Tristan and Isolde. For instance, check out this website about romance in Arab literature that I stumbled upon today. Love is and always has been in the Arab world/Western Asia, and it's almost as old as we are. Perhaps we just express it differently, or abide by different rules. Here in Lebanon, this is an example of what we have to contend with related to love. Find me a card for THIS:

So, here we are again... two camps: one pro Valentine's, the other against. There's really enough rhetorical and argumentative ammunition (so to speak) for both sides to debate each other, but neither is really going to win. Valentine's Day is here, and it's probably going to stay, just like our subjective opinions about it and regardless if whether they reflect Lebanese or more "Western" conceptions of love.

My opinion is that if you're in a relationship, do what you would normally do. Why wait for one day to treat your sweetheart better when you could do it every day? Go out and eat somewhere, just so no one has to cook. If you drink, go buy some wine. Watch a movie. Light a candle (or two... or three...). Talk about how you first met. Talk about how you felt. Talk about the feelings you shared for each other leading up to your first date; your first kiss; your togetherness. Just enjoy the night together. Forget the cliché gifts, the roses, the chocolate hearts. And if you want to do something, do something different. Make him or her a card from scratch. Write them a poem. Buy some lingerie! Just be creative, and most important of all: have fun together!

For anyone single, today shouldn't be a day to be sad. Didn't you hear? It's #InternetionalSinglesAwarenessDay! Today is YOUR DAY!! Forget those "boring, lovey-dovey" couples staying at home or eating out at a restaurant! Go have fun, meet someone new! Go out, go get drinks, go dancing! Put on some nice clothes, grab a beer or a glass of wine, flirt, smile, laugh, surround yourself with good friends, and see where the night takes you. Just because you're single doesn't mean you can't enjoy life too. Cheer up! Don't think about being lonely, think about new prospects and new loves. Don't fret about the couple making out in the corner. Make your own corner; make your own fun!

Today is a day other people have determined is a day that we should all love each other, or especially one person. Well, here at LOVEanon, I recommend doing that everyday. So enjoy yourself, enjoy life, remember that since today is the day of love, you can do much more than just be romantic. Love your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother, your friends, your pets. Love the dekaneh owner who you buy from. Love your man2oushe baker! Just love!

Most of all though: Love yourself; Love your life; Spread the love.

Happy Valentine's Day,
-Ogie <3

P.S. if anyone's looking for a place to go tonight for dinner, I suggest Spaghetteria Italiana in Ain El Mreisseh on Dar El Mraiseh Street across from Beirut by Bike, or one of these suggestions by RagMag.

P.P.S. If you're looking for some alternative solutions as to what you can do, check out this article from Beirut.com for some funny recommendations.

UPDATE: For Valentine's Day 2013, I was interviewed by a journalist from the Daily Star (Brooke Anderson) for a feature article. You can check out a LOVEanon post I wrote about it with the full interview here.

Loving the Skin You're In: Body Image & Relationships

"It's hard to talk about sexuality and relationships without also talking about body image and body awareness."

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I know what you're probably thinking: it's been a while. Well, I apologize that I accidentally took such a long break. As you remember me saying in the past, I like to blog once a week. While I've been posting a lot on the LOVEanon Facebook page, much has happened in the past few weeks--good things! The first is that I wrote my results chapter for my thesis which took a long time. But I did it! And now I'm waiting for the edits from my advisor. The second important thing that happened to me is that my girlfriend moved here to Beirut! You can only imagine how exciting it is, but also how my priorities have been elsewhere :) It's actually quite incredible how one person can really make you think about the world in a completely different way, especially when you write about love and relationships. Experiencing it really allows you to connect, to empathize... you get it. I wish this loving feeling to everyone in the world, and it's something I think that is really lacking. If only the world could love more... Perhaps I'm too much of a romantic.
 

Some of this maybe?

Anyway, I digress. And here we are, back to weekly blogging. So, how do I restart my blogging efforts? By talking about something that I've been wanting to discuss for a long time. And that happens to be the connection between body image, self-esteem, and romantic relationships. You might be thinking, "Chou, how are these concepts connected to each other?" But really, think about it... If you're living in Lebanon (or anywhere for that matter), what are you seeing every day? Advertisements. Hundreds of them, thousands of them. All telling you that you can be thinner, lighter, prettier, sexier... and this is especially true for women. All throughout both Lebanon and the world we're being saturated by and exposed to fake, altered images and videos, and we are self-internalizing them. This affects our self-perceptions. What I want to do with this post is show some examples of this and then connect it back to relationship research to show how they are connected (just check out this link for more information, or check out my thesis where I cover how media affects perceptions of self and love more extensively).

Courtesy of Ink on the Side by Sareen Akarjalian

The first thing I want to do is present: movie time! There are so many great videos out there about body image, media, advertisements, and the adverse effects. My favorite is called Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women, and it's presented by Jean Kilbourne, who is "a feminist author, speaker, and filmmaker who is internationally recognized for her work on the image of women in advertising and her critical studies of alcohol and tobacco advertising." You can watch the full video on YouTube here (part one), and here (part two). I want to show you just the trailer though that gives a great overview:

 

She goes into great depth about how exactly images are being altered and then presented as reality to people watching and consuming. It's creating a false reality that women and men in the REAL reality have to compete with, but ultimately never can. This also happens all while women especially are being "told" what is beautiful and what is not. Check out the following videos for some additional commentary on how we are duped into buying into false ideals of beauty:

1. This is a great example from the Dove company about the evolution of a model from before make-up/editing, to after: here. 

2. This is another really cool example from the Dove company: here. 

3. This video shows how Photoshop is used exactly to alter images, and this one that illustrates exactly how different what we view is from the reality.

4. This video and this video show examples of how celebrities look before and after photoshopping.

5. This video is really interesting as well. It's all about how media is used to reinforce gender stereotypes.

6. This slideshow, this slideshow, and this slideshow portrays models/actresses with and without make-up/Photoshop/enhancement, as well as this slideshow (at the bottom of the page) which does the same, but with porn stars.

7. This video looks at the the world of advertising and media production, and explores the "central claim that gender ideals are the result of ritualized cultural performance, uncovering a remarkable pattern of masculine and feminine displays and poses."

8. Here's a trailer to Killing Us Softly 3: Advertising's Image of Women, also done by Jean Kilbourne.

9.  And lastly, I highly recommend you watch Miss Representation, which uses "film as a catalyst for cultural transformation, The Representation Project inspires individuals and communities to challenge and overcome limiting stereotypes so that everyone, regardless of gender, race, class, age, sexual orientation or circumstance can fulfill their human potential."

But what would this list be without this one, possibly the best video in terms of commentary and comedy: Fotoshop by Adobé

Great isn't it? But what does this say for us? For you? Let's tie all this back together... as many of you might remember, a Lebanese bank was offering loans for plastic surgery. What's going on with us!? And why do we care so much about the way we look? And why do all the Lebanese girls seem to either look alike or TRY to look alike? Well, this answer has been explored a bit, in particular by Mallat (2011). Building on consumption theory, sociology of the body, post-war anomie, and other sociological (and anthropological) theory, she contextualizes Lebanese plastic surgery and offers insight into why it is so common and frequent. According to Mallat's (2011: vi) abstract:  

"The findings reveal that the pursuit of facial and bodily modification is an extension of an increasingly consumerist post-war society gripped by anxiety and fear about an uncertain future. In the face of this uncertainty, young Lebanese women use this tactic to increase their social capital and their chances of securing a good marriage. It explores the underlying characteristics of Lebanese society to explain how the local boom can be seen as the result of a long, complicated domino effect that is unique to Lebanon."

This as well as other commentary about sexuality and body image have been covered elsewhere by Lebanese bloggers too such as Our Man, and in the NOW Lebanon Blog. This one is particularly good: Are Lebanese women afraid of being natural? There were also two other articles that were interesting, this one and this one.

I think she needs a bit more foundation, what do you think?

Or Ukrainian model Valeria Lukyanova, the Real-life Barbie

What we're doing to our bodies is horrible. The social and psychological pressure to fit into a certain unrealistic ideal of beauty is an epidemic. Famed Moroccan feminist Fatima Mernissi spoke of it in her book "Scheherazade Goes West" basically concluding that although some women in the Arab world are bound by a harem consisting of patriarchy and religion, women in the "West" who are allegedly "more free" are bound by a different kind of harem. What she calls the "Size 6 Harem." Here's a newsflash though, that "harem" has been exported to the Arab world through globalization, mass media, and commercialization, and now Arab women in particular have much more to deal with than just misogyny, patriarchy, double-standards, and a host of other things. They have to contend with looking perfect all the time. Men are not excluded from this either. While there is less pressure on men especially in the Arab world as a whole, men are not divorced from unrealistic beauty and body standards and ideals.

Can't we just agree that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors?

Are you starting to understand what this has to do with relationships? It goes beyond what is just skin deep. Simply remember the one term I referenced earlier: self-esteem. And of course, what does self-esteem have to do with relationships? Everything! It affects how we think of ourselves, affects our relationship security, our relationship certainty. "Am I good enough?" "Does s/he like me enough, are they attracted to me enough?" "Would they break up with me if I wasn't good-looking enough?" Or of course, "Am I thin enough, is my penis too small, too big? Are my breasts too big, not big enough? Is my nose too big? Are my nails pretty enough, my eyebrows shaped well enough, lips luscious enough, curves curvy enough?"

YA ALLAH!! There's just so much to consider, no wonder people are insecure! And guess what? The academic literature supports it too... for both women AND men!

First of all, many studies have reaffirmed Jean Kilbourne's arguments above regarding media consumption and body image dissatisfaction among women including Vartanian, Giant, and Passino (2001); Green and Pritchard (2003); Grabe, Ward, and Hyde (2008); and Mousa, Mashal, Al-Domi, and Jibril (2010) (which was actually a study among Jordanian adolescent females), and many have affirmed this for men as well such as Leit, Gray, and Pope (2002); Hatoum and Belle (2004); Baird and Grieve (2006); and Barlett, Vowels, and Saucier (2008) (among many others).

Second, body image has direct relationship to self-esteem (e.g., Olivardia, Pope, Borowiecki, and Cohane, 2004; Smolak and Stein, 2006; Farquhar and Wasylkiw, 2007). Moreover, one thesis study was conducted on Lebanese adolescents examining the relationship between body image and self-esteem, discovering a positive relationship between these two constructs (Khraybani, 2008). In addition, she found no gender differences were shown on body image, where as males had higher self-esteem than females related to athletic competence, physical appearance, and romantic attachment.

While this might all seem like common sense, what isn't so common sense necessarily is how self-esteem connects to our relationships. There's been much research to show how self-esteem connects to relationship satisfaction and sexual functioning. For instance:

Hoyt and Kogan (2001: 199) examined body image and relationship satisfaction in male and female university students, indicating, "Women, especially those under or above average weight, were more dissatisfied with their appearance than were men, whereas men were more dissatisfied with their relationships and sex lives than were women. In addition, those body parts with which each gender was most dissatisfied were consistent with the body parts emphasized through "ideal" images. These results are discussed in relation to gender role dynamics and societal pressures."

Davison and McCabe (2005: 463) conducted a study that examined the relationships between different aspects of body image and psychological, social, and sexual functioning, finding, "Body image was associated with self-esteem for all groups, but...a disturbance in body image was related to problematic social and sexual functioning among middle-aged men and to depression and anxiety symptoms in late adulthood among men and women. Middle-aged men who presented with the type of body image disturbance typical of women were more likely to have impaired interpersonal functioning. These results demonstrate that social aspects of body image appear to be important in understanding psychological functioning in later life."

Markey and Markey (2006: 271) investigated the associations between young women’s romantic relationships and their body image. Their results revealed, "Females were more dissatisfied with their bodies than they perceived their significant others to be and were more dissatisfied than their significant others actually were. Analyses further indicated that the longer women had been in a relationship with their significant other, the more likely they were to incorrectly believe that their significant other wanted them to look thinner."

What's even more interesting is the link between relationships and self-esteem, and how it is gendered. Here's an example: Ambwani and Strauss (2007) explored body esteem, romantic love, and gender through qualitative and quantitative analysis, finding that there was a link between body self-esteem and romantic relationships for both genders. Moreover, they found that the variables of "trust" and "jealousy" were connected to self-esteem for women--i.e., higher feelings of trust and lower feelings of jealousy were correlated with higher self-esteem. Lastly, women were more likely than men to admit that body image influenced their sexual relations and that relationships affected their self-confidence.

While some such as Samet and Kelly (1987) have found that there's a correlation between romantic love and higher self-esteem, there is also an inverse connection between romantic relationships and self-esteem. Feeney and Noller (1990) studied attachment style, social relationship/attachment history, and beliefs about relationships, finding that each of these factors were related. They found that "Securely Attached" individuals reported relatively positive perceptions of their early family relationships. "Avoidant" participants were most likely to report childhood separation from their mother and to express mistrust of others. "Anxious-Ambivalent" participants were less likely than the "Avoidant" participants to see their father as supportive, and they reported a lack of independence and a desire for deep commitment in relationships. Further analysis also indicated that attachment style was also strongly related to self-esteem and to the various forms of love. This also connects to body image because, as Cash, Thériault, and Annis (2004: 89) found, "For both sexes, greater body image dysfunction was linked to less secure general attachment, especially more preoccupied general adult attachment and more anxious romantic attachment."

I know that was all a lot of information... but hey, what do you expect from me? I might write long posts, but this is research. It's not right to bull shit it or give shallow insight to social problems. Just remember that the way you think about yourself also affects your relationship/your relationship partner, and vice-versa.

This campaign seeks to address a huge problem in India and South Asia: the overvaluing of light (brown) skin, and the undervaluing of dark (brown/black) skin. But, #BrownIsBeautiful!

Although, like usual, I don't come with answers, just more information to understand the problem, I can say that there is something you can do. Love yourself! Love the beauty you have. No one's perfect, but why do we even have to be? Even worse, why do we expect them to be, and why do people expect YOU to be? Why do you let them? No one else has your eyes, no one else has that beautiful smile you flash when you hear a service driver call you "habibi." No one else has your curves, your arms, your body. More importantly, no one should control your body, especially media images. While it's unfortunately cliche to say that a personality is beautiful, remember that our personality often highlights our beauty. And attraction in itself is a difficult thing to comment on, mostly because it's subjective. What you think you like, and who you think you are attracted to can be--and often are--completely thrown out of the window when you meet the right person. They don't need to look like Haifa Wehbe or Nancy Ajram. They can just be who they are. They have their own beauty. And don't forget: our outer beauty is undoubtedly inseparable from and inextricably linked to our inner beauty.

So, love yourself. Be beautiful. Spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. This article discusses the "Contrast Effect," which describes evaluating ""normal" people as less desirable and unfairly plain when compared to "beautiful" people." It is incredibly relevant to this topic, and I really suggest you check it out. Also, I suggest you stay up-to-date with the Science of Relationships because they often post articles about body image and its connections to relationship well-being, satisfaction, and maintenance.

References:

Ambwani, Suman, and Jaine Strauss. 2007. "Love Thyself Before Loving Others? A Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis of Gender Differences in Body Image and Romantic Love." Sex Roles, 56: 13–21.

Baird, Amy L., and Frederick G. 2006. "Exposure to Male Models in Advertisements Leads to a  Decrease in Men's Body Satisfaction." North American Journal of Psychology, 8(1), 115-122.

Barlett, Christopher P., Christopher L. Vowels, and Donald A. Saucier. 2008. "Meta-Analyses of the Effects of Media  Images on Men’s Body-Image Concerns." Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 27(3): 279-310.

Cash, Thomas F., Jocelyne Thériault, and Natasha Milkewicz Annis. 2004. "Body Image in an Interpersonal Context: Adult Attachment, Fear of Intimacy and Social Anxiety." Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(1): 829-103.

Davison, Tanya E., and Marita P. McCabe. 2005. "Relationships Between Men’s and Women’s Body Image and Their Psychological, Social, and Sexual Functioning." Sex Roles, 52(7/8): 463-475.

Hoyt, Wendy D., and Lori R. Kogan. 2001. "Satisfaction With Body Image and Peer Relationships for Males and Females in a College Environment." Sex Roles, 45(3/4): 199-215.

Grabe, Shelly, L. Monique Ward, and Janet Shibley Hyde. 2008. "The Role of the Media in  Body Image Concerns Among Women: A Meta-Analysis of Experimental and Correlational Studies." Psychological Bulletin, 134(3): 460-476.

Farquhar, Jamie C., and Louise Wasylkiw. 2007. "Media Images of Men: Trends and Consequences of Body Conceptualization." Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 8(3): 145-160.

Feeney, Judith A., and Patricia Noller. 1990. "Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2): 281-291.

Green, Sharin Palladino, and Mary E. Pritchard. 2003. "Predictors of Body Image Dissatisfaction in Adult men and Women." Social Behavior and Personality, 31(3): 215-222.

Hatoum, Ida Jodette, and Deborah Belle. 2004. "Mags and Abs: Media Consumption and Bodily Concerns in  Men." Sex Roles, 51(7/8), 397-407.

Khraybani, Imane Farouk. 2008. The Relationship Between Body image and Self-Esteem Among Female and Male Adolescents in a School in Lebanon. Master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

Leit, Richard A., James J. Gray, and Harrison G. Pope, Jr. 2002. "The Media's Representation of the Ideal Male  Body: A Cause for Muscle Dysmorphia?" International Journal of Eating Disorders, 31(3): 334-338.

Markey, Charlotte N., and Patrick M. Markey. 2006. "Romantic Relationships and Body Satisfaction Among Young Women." Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 35(2): 271–279.

Mallat, Sarah E. 2011. More Than Just Another Pretty Face? Understanding Motivations for  Plastic Surgery Among Lebanese Female Youth. Master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

Mernissi, Fatima. 2001. Scheherazade Goes West. New York, NY: Washington Square Press.

Mousa, Tamara Y., Rima H. Mashal, Hayder A. Al-Domi, and Musa A. Jibril. 2010. "Body Image Dissatisfaction Among Adolescent Schoolgirls in Jordan." Body Image, 7: 46-50.

Olivardia, Roberto, Harrison G. Pope Jr., John J. Borowiecki III, and Geoffrey H. Cohane. 2004. "Biceps and Body Image: The Relationship Between Muscularity and Self-Esteem, Depression, and Eating Disorder Symptoms." Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 5(2): 112-120.

Samet, Naomi, and Eugene W. Kelly. 1987. "The Relationship of Steady Dating to Self-Esteem and Sex Role Identity Among Adolescents." Adolescence, 22(85): 231-245.

Smolak, Linda, and Jonathan A. Stein. 2006. "The Relationship of Drive for Muscularity to Socio-cultural Factors, Self-esteem, Physical Attributes Gender Role, and Social Comparison in Middle School Boys." Body Image, 3: 121-129.

Vartanian, Lesa. Rae, Carrie L. Giant, and Rhonda M. Passino. 2001. "Ally McBeal vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger:" Comparing Mass Media, Interpersonal Feedback, and Gender as Predictors of Satisfaction with Body Thinness and Muscularity." Social Behavior and Personality, 29(7): 711-724.

"So Happy Together?" Monogamy and Jealousy

Good evening LOVEanese, and happy Friday! Before I get into the content of the post, I just want to remind you about the March against unjust laws governing women's rights, rape, and domestic violence. We're meeting tomorrow (Saturday, Jan. 14) in front of the Ministry of the Interior near Sanayeh Gardens (Here's a map) at 12:00 PM. We'll be marching to the Parliament in Downtown Beirut. Come out, bring a sign, a jacket, a friend (or two), and an umbrella (just in case), and stand up with our women for our women!

On another note, in case you weren't following on the LOVEanon Facebook Page, I've been posting a lot lately. The Fb Page is a great resource to share interesting articles, links, photos, etc., especially ones that I don't want to dedicate an entire blog post to. I really appreciate your activity on it, and if you haven't "liked" it yet, what are you waiting for??

So, what's up with the title? The title is in reference to two things. The first is a song by The Turtles. The second refers to an article I posted on Facebook a few days ago. It's about monogamy. I feel like I've been seeing/hearing a lot about this lately, so I wanted to talk about it and also bring up another topic: jealousy.

There's a lot that's been written on maintaining the romance in a relationship (for instance, this article I recently posted). I've written a post about it, and a point I have vehemently reiterated in this blog is that relationships take work (e.g., here and here). Recently, I saw this really great article about how relationships take work and marriage in particular is a work in progress. A great point the author makes is this:

"Very few of us carry accurate beliefs about what love and marriage are really about. Instead, we consciously or unconsciously live our lives according to the models propagated by the media. We grow up watching Disney movies and popular television where we see a basic equation for love portrayed: meet - play a game of chase - fall in love - get married. Inherent in this formula is the assumption that by the final stage - getting married - every conflict, quirk, annoyance, and issue has been resolved. We may watch a relationship unfold over several years on a television series, but by the time the couple finally gets married, the conflicts are resolved and the show usually ends, And herein lies the false message: your relationship should be "perfect" at the time of the wedding. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like all courageous endeavors, marriage can and must evolve over time."

"Ya Allah, what do you mean the hard part's just starting!?"

So, what does this have to do with monogamy? This particularly sobering article recently posted by the Guardian is really interesting and thought-provoking, but this older article in many ways to me stands as a stark contrast to another article I posted that was a bit incensing but also interesting. I definitely recommend you read it. The author of the post interviewed sociologist Eric Anderson (University of Winchester) about his new book The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating.

What was somewhat aggravating about it was not necessarily the points he was trying to make, but rather the way he was saying it. He was challenging the established idea of combining sexual and emotional relationships. It wasn't an attack on monogamy per se, but he was advocating for an alternative to the typical monogamist relationship. Tayyib, that's fine. But what I was not OK with was the inherent sexism that seemed to surface during the interview. The author even mentioned it, but it was then blamed on culture for reinforcing gender norms and stereotypes as opposed to individual actors making independent and critically-thought out decisions (e.g., according to the males in his sample, it's OK for men to cheat but not women, and it's society's fault alone that this double-standard exists).

Monogamy as a whole is (largely) a social construction (though there may be a biological or ecological link, particularly since some think monogamy is one of the leading factors of humanity's boost in the process of evolution), and Western constructions of monogamy often differ from other non-Western mating traditions (for instance, just check out American anthropologist Laura Bohannan's account of Shakespeare in the Bush with tribes-people from West Africa). Moreover, much has been written on monogamy from a scientific and social scientific perspective. For instance, Fisher (1994) wrote an extensive book looking into the (evolutionary) past to explain monogamy, divorce, and adultery, yet mainly concludes that serial monogamy mixed with adultery (but not additional marriage) seems to be the norm, at least in the Western world (mind you, at least 0.5% of the world population can attribute their ancestry to Genghis Khan alone). Others such as Reichard and Boesch (Eds.) (2003) and Wickler and Seibt (1983) provide great overviews of monogamy rooted in biology and in society, respectively, which, of course, makes sense because being single is hard. If the added value vs. cost of pairing up were lower, we wouldn't have evolved, both biologically as well as socio-culturally, to favor it so strongly. In other words, the grass is always greener, but when it comes to the benefits of being in a loving relationship, the science speaks loud and clear (especially if you're male).

In the Arab world, monogamy is a relatively new tradition. Before you start making assumptions about Islam and polygamy in Islam, polygamy was something that has existed here in this region since the beginning of Mesopotamian civilization. Only after the birth and proliferation of Islam was it something that became connected to Islam. Many would argue that it has been wrongfully focused on (e.g., as my friend put it, Islamic law regarding wives exists to act as a limit, not a license). In many ways, it's something historically cultural. Barakat (1993: 107) echoes this when he said:

"Traditionally, marriage has been a communal or societal affair more than an individual one...it has been perceived as a mechanism for reproduction, human survival, the reinforcement of family ties and interests, the preservation of private property through inheritance, socialization, and the achievement of other goals that transcend the happiness of the individual to guarantee communal interests. This principle is seen in most patterns related to marriage, including arranged marriage, endogamy, [and] polygamy..."

He continued, "Another traditional Arab marriage pattern is polygamy...though polygamy is not encouraged, it has been justified or rationalized by conservative Muslims. In reality, however, polygamy is now rare" (Barakat, 1993: 112).

It's time for a photo, and I really wanted to add a funny photo about polygamy. But I couldn't find one that wasn't offensive to women. So, here's a photo of some cute puppies instead.

Polygamy is not also something just between one man and multiple wives (that's called polygyny) There's also polyandry where one woman takes multiple husbands. In this sense, this is socially prescribed. But can we as a society move beyond the established and collective norm that one must be in a committed relationship with one person at a time? Especially in a place where adultery and cheating have been accepted as normative (i.e., here)? This article in Psychology Today seems to think otherwise, and blames it mainly on differences between individual men and women's levels of sexuality, particularly when women are more sexual. Perhaps I'm naive, but I just don't think that our biology has to have a choke-hold on our lives. Biological determinism does not have to rule our lives, especially as I would argue much of our lives is socially constructed.

I recently watched a movie that challenges this "one person at a time" norm. It was called Seeing Other People (plot synopsis here). It was... interesting for a lack of better words. Basically, it's about two people who really love each other and have been together for a long time. They are happy and are planning their wedding, but then one of them decides that they aren't sexually experienced enough, and wants to have more sexual experiences before they get married. The whole movie details the ups-and-downs of "seeing other people" while they are still together and still planning their wedding--more or less describing a scenario where there is a relationship with a strong emotional connection, but extra-relational sex. Bear in mind that this is a movie, not real life... true. But it's interesting to see how this "fantasy" concocted by Hollywood turned out. That is, it almost destroyed the great relationship they already had. As I've mentioned before, Hollywood and the capitalistic system in general have a lot of reasons to keep monogamy the norm. And while this movie's overall theme was reinforcing it, it made me think about it.

If you've been following this blog awhile, you might be able to tell where this is going (let me give you a hint, it's the other word in the title I haven't talked about yet). How many of you, whether you're men or women, would be able to fathom seeing the person you love, the person you're in a relationship with, be with another person?

You're never too young to be pissed off about them kissing someone else

Jealousy. It's a remarkable emotion actually. Some writers/bloggers think jealousy in a relationship is a good thing (like this one), others say it's bad (like this one), but most remain value-neutral about it or consider that there's various types/levels of romantic jealousy, some healthy and some not (e.g., this one, this one, this one, and this one). However, evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss (Wiki here) at the University of Texas-Austin has a lot of interesting things to say about this. Buss (2000) goes so far to say that jealousy is necessary for love and sex, and thus, relationships. This was also a pioneering work that employed a cross-cultural survey if men and women in the United States, the Netherlands, Germany, Japan, South Korea, and Zimbabwe, and found that the majority of women in the study were troubled more about a partner's emotional infidelity, while the men were most upset about sexual transgressions of their partners. This article explains it better:

"Female sexual infidelity jeopardized the opportunity for a man to continue his gene pool and also placed him in the unfortunate situation of raising a rival's children. Women do not share this problem, since they know that they are the biological mothers of their children. One of the African cultures that Buss studies uses the phrase, "Mama's baby, Papa's maybe." But our ancestral mothers had other problems. Their challenge was to continue to attract their partner so that he would stay and help to raise and protect the children. As painful as a sexual transgression might be, what women have always wanted to know is, "Do you love her?" If a man forms a strong emotional attachment to another woman, he is at risk for abandoning the relationship and his children. A meaningless one-night stand does not make him want to leave his family."

Buss (2000) even writes, "Jealousy is not a sign of immaturity, but rather a supremely important passion that helped our ancestors, and most likely continues to help us today, to cope with a host of real reproductive threats. It drives us to keep partners from straying with tactics such as escalating vigilance or showering a partner with affection. And it communicates commitment to a partner who may be wavering, serving an important purpose in the maintenance of love."

Buss isn't the only one to tackle relationship jealousy, many others have as well including: Greenberg and Pyszczynksi (1985); Andersen, Eloy, Guerrero, and Spitzberg (1995); Guerrero, Andersen, Jorgensen, Spitzberg, and Eloy (1995); Afifi and Reichert (1996); Guerrero (1998); Knobloch, Solomon, and Cruz (2001); Fleischmann, Spitzberg, Andersen, and Roesch (2005); Guerrero, Torst, and Yoshimura (2005); Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra (2007); and Demirtas-Madran (2011). Some of the most interesting findings include that the more expressive someone is about their jealousy and the more individuals in a relationship exhibit reactionary jealousy (as opposed to possessive or anxious jealousy), relationship quality tends to increase. Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra (2007: 177) define reactionary, possessive, and anxious jealousy as the following:

"Reactive jealousy is the degree to which individuals experience negative emotions, such as anger and upset, when their mate is or has been emotionally or sexually unfaithful. For instance, individuals may become angry or feel hurt when their mate is flirting or kissing with someone else."

"Possessive jealousy refers to the considerable effort jealous individuals can go to [in order] to prevent contact of their partner with individuals of the opposite sex. For example, possessively jealous individuals may find it not acceptable that their mate has opposite- sex friends and/or forbid their mate to socialize with others."

"Anxious jealousy refers to a process in which the individual ruminates about and cognitively generates images of a mate’s infidelity, and experiences feelings of anxiety, suspicion, worry, and distrust."

Now, the discussion: what does this mean? Basically, what many of these studies are demonstrating is that a little bit of jealousy is good, but this "goodness" also relies on how it is being communicated and what kind of jealousy is being exhibited. If someone is feeling jealous, but is not communicating it either through physical actions, words, etc. or in a way that is meaningful to their partner, then it will most likely hurt the relationship. In other words, if you're jealous, don't hold it in. Of course, don't be controlling, manipulative, or suffocating either. But everyone likes to be desired. As Robert Frost once said, "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." By showing your partner that you're jealous (in some crazy, weird way) reaffirms your feelings for them, and this is something I'm not just making up. The research shows it, and much of it is based in our evolution. In the end too, I can never stress open and honest communication enough. It is a fact of life that even if you're madly in love, you still will be attracted to other people, and you might even flirt with them. But this doesn't mean you're going to cheat, for instance. And of course, this should never be taken out-of-hand to the point where it becomes a real problem for a couple or your partner. But if a little jealousy is exhibited in a healthy way, it can actually lead to better outcomes for the relationship. Once again, just remember that this is conditional (I highly recommend you read Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra (2007) study).

Tying it all back together, I'm not sure if we really have the ability to manage both emotional closeness/intimacy and physical intimacy with multiple people, at least without eventually hurting someone in the process. One argument might be that monogamy should remain the norm, but if someone wants to deviate from the norm (e.g., Mormon polygamists in the U.S.), they should have the freedom to do so.

I say do what's best for you and your partner, but we always have to remember that what's best for you may not always be best for your partner, which is where compromise and sacrifice come into play. If you're in a committed relationship, it's understandably expected that (usually) you're not supposed to sleep with someone else. In my opinion, I think anything else will only just cause problems. So, while monogamy might be new (evolutionarily speaking), it's really based on culture. If it is culturally acceptable and normative to practice it, then it's hard to deviate from that (once again) without hurting someone emotionally. If it is normative to have multiple wives or husbands (e.g., in certain tribes), that should be allowed too.

In the end, we have to consider other people's feelings, and right now, being with one person and tending to their emotional and physical needs is what the society's exerting hegemonic dominance has collectively agreed on as being the norm. This has been incorporated into many individual's subjective realities. Without taking any particular stance or advocating for conformity, I will close by restating the importance of resisting selfishness, especially if you are in a loving and committed relationship (unless a partner also feels the same way, and you both exercise a similar lifestyle, then it's a different story). Moreover, I simply do not think that the majority of people could handle emotional commitment and physical intimacy with different people. But once again, it's a personal thing--just don't forget that our actions affect much more than just ourselves.

What do you think? Monogamy and love? Monogamy, love optional, behind-the-back infidelity? No monogamy, just love and whatever else? I value your opinions. What works for you? What do you like? What works here in Lebanon? You tell me.

Spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. Just thought I'd update this post with some interesting scientific research that received a lot of publicity recently. According to Science Now at the Los Angeles Times (citing research publications), one biological/ecological explanation/theory for monogamy include solitary living and infanticide, which are linked to origin of monogamy in mammals. In another article from the New York Times, some scientists are beginning to conclude that monogamy may account for humanity's boost in evolution. Interesting!

P.P.S. Another great article I recommend: an interview with respected marriage historian Stephanie Coontz titled "Why do we still believe in monogamy?"

References:

Afifi, Walid A., and Tom Reichert. 1996. "Understanding the Role of Uncertainty in Jealousy Experience and Expression." Communication Reports, 9(2): 93-103.

Andersen, Peter A., Sylvie V. Eloy, Laura K. Guerrero, and Brian H. Spitzberg. 1995. "Romantic Jealousy and Relational Satisfaction: A Look at the Impact of Jealousy Experience and Expression". Communication Reports, 8(2): 77-85.

Barakat, Halim. 1993. The Arab World: Society, Culture, and State. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.

Barelds, Dick P. H., and P. Barelds-Dijkstra. 2007. "Relations Between Different Types of Jealousy and Self and Partner Perceptions of Relationship Quality." Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 14(3): 176-188.

Buss, David M. 2000. The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex. New York, NY: The Free Press.

Demirtas-Madran, H. Andac. 2011. “Understanding coping with romantic jealousy: Major theoretical approaches.” Retrieved from: https://bit.ly/Demirtas-Madran2011.

Fisher, Helen. 1994. Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York, NY: Ballantine.

Fleischmann, Amy A., Brian H. Spitzberg, Peter A. Andersen, and Scott C. Roesch. 2005. “Tickling the monster: Jealousy induction in relationships.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22(1): 49–73.

Greenberg, Jeff, and Tom Pyszczynski. 1985. "Proneness to Romantic Jealousy and Responses to Jealousy in Others." Journal of Personality, 53(3): 468-479.

Guerrero, Laura K. 1998. "Attachment-Style Differences in the Experience and Expression of Romantic Jealousy." Personal Relationships, 5(3): 273-291.

Guerrero, Laura K., Melanie R. Trost, and Stephen M. Yoshimura. 2005. "Romantic Jealousy: Emotions and Communicative Responses." Personal Relationships, 12(2): 233-252.

Guerrero, Laura K., Peter A. Andersen, Peter F. Jorgensen, Brian H. Spitzberg, and Sylvie V. Eloy. 1995. "Coping With the Green-Eyed Monster: Conceptualizing and Measuring Communicative Responses to Romantic Jealousy." Western Journal of Communication, 59(4): 270-304.

Knobloch, Leanne K., Denise Haunani Solomon, and Michael G. Cruz. 2001. "The Role of Relationship Development and Attachment in the Experience of Romantic Jealousy." Personal Relationships, 8(2): 205-224.

Reichard, Ulrich H., and Christophe Boesch (Eds.). 2003. Monogamy: Mating Strategies and Partnerships in Birds, Humans, and Other Mammals. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

Wickler, Wolfgang, and Uta Seibt. 1983. "Monogamy: An Ambiguous Concept." Pp. 33-50 in Mate Choice, edited by Patrick Bateson. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.