The Benefits of Selfless Sexuality

Saba7o/Namaste LOVEanese! Today's post is going to be a bit more theoretical than descriptive. I say that because I want to talk about a topic that's not necessarily been researched much, but is more in the philosophical/spiritual realm of relationships.

Today's post is all about sex. But before you get too excited (pun intended), it's not exactly what you think. As I've mentioned in this post about sexuality and sexual health resources, I don't really like to talk about it for multiple reasons. One is that there is no inherent connection between love and sex--only a socially constructed one. Second, is that there are a lot of great resources out there already that address it in a much better way than I could since it's not my field of expertise (see the link above for examples). And lastly, it's not the focus of this blog. However, when I identify overlapping concepts that I think are worth mentioning, then I am happy to discuss it.

First of all, I want to present an article that is semi-connected to this post's topic. It's a very robust, yet non-judgmental analysis about how delaying intimacy can benefit your relationship. I highly recommend the read, and encourage a lively discussion! You don't necessarily have to agree with the author or agree with their points, but I suggest to at least hear them out.

Now, the main concept I want to discuss is what is mentioned in the title: selfless sexuality. So, what exactly is this? Let's define some concepts first so you understand what I mean. It is basically the idea that you are putting your own desire for pleasure aside to maximize the pleasure experienced by your partner. This article gives a broad overview of the concept, and a writer and yoga teacher provides a wonderful overview of what exactly selfless sexuality is and why it's important in this article. Let me highlight a few really important paragraphs to contextualize the definition:

"Sex is a bonding and creative function that has become a big business with an emphasis on selfish pleasure. Our society is saturated with highly charged sexual images, the media exploits and dehumanizes sex, the medical industry has all kinds of pills for women not to be fertile and for men to be fertile longer. There are societal pressures on everything from how much sex you need to be happy, to what sexual preferences are culturally acceptable."

She continued:

"Habitually, the senses grab for pleasure and satisfaction without any thought of the other person or the consequences. When someone is concerned with fulfilling his or her own needs and doesn’t consider the other person, this affects us on a deep level because of our expectations of love. We have to understand what sex is and that it cannot fulfill all of the desires and expectations that are imagined. When there are so many mixed messages, we become disconnected from who we are and want to be."

I hope that now it's a little more clear as to what it is. This isn't just a topic relegated to providers of spiritual or holistic well-being. Even this article by Ask Men (which I would normally never quote) said this:

Be selfless: "For the time being, your pleasure will come solely from giving her pleasure. Don't worry about it being no fun for you, since you're both going to get equally worked up by the end of it. For starters, the more you turn her on, the better she's going to feel, and the more eager she'll be to return the favor. But more importantly, use this opportunity to think about the importance of your own gradual arousal to great sex. Anyone can get off quickly, but the sex you'll remember for a long time is the kind where your arousal builds. You can only get turned on like that by enjoying your woman's body in a variety of ways."

It actually makes sense though (and not just about "returning favors"). Think back to this post about Thomas Merton's philosophy on loving yourself and selfish vs. selfless love, and this post about body image and it's connections to relationship well-being. First, remember that a relationship is 100/100--not 50/50. So, just like it's important to love yourself, then share that love with the other person, selfless sexuality dictates that when you mutually put the other's pleasure before your own, not only do you both benefit, but it creates better sexual experiences as well as a closer relationship. Tied to this, the more comfortable you feel with yourself, with the other person, and especially about your body, the more enjoyable a sexual experience with be. Thus, another aspect of selfless sexuality is making the other person feel as comfortable, as beautiful, and as appreciated as possible.

This concept generally works best when it's applied to a committed relationship, however, it's not solely reserved for them. I often advise against having multiple partners, but everyone is at a different stage in their sexual education and experiences. I think that the concept outlined above, even when applied outside of a committed relationship, can still lead to better sexual experiences. Of course, it is a two-way street, and works best when it is being applied by both lovers.

This isn't a magic bullet, however. You also have to take the time to figure out your partner, what they like, what works for both of you--as well as yourself, your own wants, and your own desires and preferences. That's another reason why I don't necessarily support having multiple partners. Imagine it's like a meter (or something that fills up over time). And the more you are with someone physically, the more your meter "fills up"--with understanding, comfort, love, passion, intimacy, respect. But if you jump from person-to-person, your meter just restarts. That doesn't mean that you aren't filling it (with pleasure and passion, for instance), but basically, the more you're with one person, the more you'll understand them as a lover and as a person. Now, this also depends if 1. you're both committed to making the other person feel better, and 2. if you're interested in more than just the physical pleasure (for instance, the emotional fulfillment that comes from being with someone you really love/care about).

This U.S. carnival game is how I visualize what I discussed above. In this game, you shoot water at a target, and it makes the car move up towards the top. Whoever gets the car to the top first is the winner. Imagine when you're constantly exploring your sexuality with one person, you're car is always moving up. But when you go from partner-to-partner, you're always restarting the game in certain ways--specifically when it comes to understanding yourself and your wants, but more importantly, your partner and their wants/desires/needs/preferences.

Anyways, I'll stop there. I realize that--especially given the intended audience of this post--many people aren't having sex. That's fine! And, in fact, the authors of this blog (similar to mine in that they use references and research) provide a lengthy and detailed description of why delaying intimacy can actually benefit your relationship. It's definitely worth the read, and I'd love to hear your thoughts about it.

But regardless if you are sexually active or if you aren't, or if you make out with people, engage in oral sex, but not intercourse, or a host of other sexual activities, remember that sexuality is a very natural part of life, and is biologically no different in its importance to life as is the need to eat food and drink water. But with that said, I think it's important to recognize that, without making sex into this overly sacred occurrence, there are ways to practice intimacy and sexuality that are more considerate and appreciative of the other person.

There are many reasons why is this important as well, aside from the already-stated fact that it has the potential to improve your experience with your partner and create stronger intimacy. One of these is that, according to this article citing a research study gathering data from American adults, women have about one orgasm for every three a man enjoys. According to the article, the gap between men’s and women’s frequency of orgasm is impacted by social forces that privilege male pleasure. Thus, the idea of selfless sexuality here has feminist undertones as well in that it encourages equality in the bedroom, and an emphasis on the other--especially since the desire for sex is not inherently more of a masculine trait than feminine one.

So, what are your thoughts and comments? Do you agree with this concept? It is a workable framework for an intimate relationship? Do you think it overly endorses monogamy or another concept some find problematic? Let me know! I'm eager to see your thoughts!

Spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

P.S. Be on the lookout for an exciting announcement regarding LOVEanon to come next week!

P.P.S. I saw this infographic about the female orgasm and felt compared to share it, specifically because it actually touches on some of the aforementioned points:

Updates and More Relationship Resources

Hello LOVEanese! Listen, I know it's been a long time since my last post, but A LOT has changed since then. For one, since I finished my thesis/defended, I graduated with an MA in sociology on June 22, and I moved from Beirut back to Kentucky in early July to see friends, spend time with family, and look for a job. So, not only am I coming to you live from the United States now, but I'm also in a different timezone (just an FYI). As you can imagine, it's been a really busy time. I also had the chance to present my thesis at the 2012 International Conference of the International Association of Relationship Research (IARR) in Chicago. It was great! I got to network and connect with many other relationship researchers, meet some of those people whose names appear in academic publications you read, and listen to a lot of presentations on really cool topics. My presentation went great, and I was even so fortunate to have my parents and a friend attend (so I could finally prove that I WAS doing something worth my time haha).

Transitioning back to "American life" has definitely been more difficult than I imagined. Finding a job has been incredibly tough, it seems like I apply to jobs everyday, only to never hear back. Typical I hear. Not exactly the best time, but whatever. Something will work out eventually. There's also been other things that have been on my mind as I transition back. The first is the loss of possession. Not in material things, but, for instance, the other day I told someone, "Oh, you should see my apartment!......well, my old apartment..." Little realizations like that make things difficult, and remind you of loss: loss of your routine, your living space, your independence, your bed, your living room, your kitchen, your routine, your city, your lifestyle, your friends, your family, your dekaneh owner, your life. But, that's also part of life: moving on, and moving forward. The other issue has been with this weird transitional in-between stage I feel between college students and recent/not-so-recent college grads. As someone who kind if fits into the middle, I'm finding it hard to identify with both groups.

But you know, with the opportunity for change also comes the opportunity for great growth and a lot of introspection. Of course, many Lebanese/Arab individuals are accustomed to moving around, so that definitely isn't a feeling that's hard to identify with. And I have been thinking about things often, including life and where to go next, and how to meet new people, etc. Before I get to one of the new revelations I had about dating that I wanted to share with you in the next post, I wanted to remind you of some great relationship resources that exist (I'll also be putting these on the LOVEanon Facebook Page. Remember, avoid places like Cosmo and Men's Health, and look for resources where research is cited! Don't merely take advice because they say an "expert" is writing about it):

1. The first is probably the best one because it is a hub for many different relationship bloggers, and has a ton of resources in general. It's called The Science of Relationships (http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/). It has information related to dating, relationships, sexuality, friendship, marriage, courtship, engagement, breaking up, compatibility, and a host of other topics, resources, and featured columns. The best part is that they write like me: including social scientific relationship research in their posts. The head editors were also present at the IARR event, and all of them/the contributing authors all have a background in relationship research (either with an MA, PhD, or other degree/experience). Definitely a relevant and credible website (you can also check them out on Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites).

2. The second is a website by Dr. Terri Orbuch ("The Love Doctor"). I also had the opportunity (and privilege if I may add) to meet her at the IARR event. She's a media-friendly relationship researcher from Michigan who writes articles related to relationship research for media outlets (she was interviewed for the story about "5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce" (A better overview here)). She also does a weekly segment on a local Michigan news outlet (Saturday morning between 8 and 8:30 AM on WJBK Fox 2 News-Detroit). You can find her columns on the Huffington Post and Psychology Today (Psychology Today is also a great resource!). She can also be followed on Facebook and Twitter.

3. The third is a bunch of resources hosted by Dr. Bjarn Holmes (who I am convinced is the real-life Thor). Also a media-friendly researcher, he blogs on Science of Relationships and Psychology Today. He also hosts a monthly podcast series called Relationship Matters,  which features an interview (or more) with a knowledgeable expert on some aspect of relationship research and relationship maintenance. He is available on Twitter.

4. When it comes to sexual concerns related to relationships, sexual health, and everything in-between, Kinsey Confidential out of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana University is my go-to guide (Kinsey sound familiar? It was established by pioneering human sexuality researcher Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey). Anyway, this site has it all, from relationship resources to information about STIs, sexual health, sexuality and relationships, answers to questions about sex, reading lists to check out, and much more. I strongly suggest you check them out, and follow them on Facebook and Twitter.

5. Another sexual health and relationship resource (and another that I heard about at IARR) is a blog authored by Dr. Justin Lehmiller called "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." It has a lot of great topics on it. I suggest you check it out as well, and follow him/the blog on Facebook.

6. The last resource I want to link you to today is the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. It's a non-partisan, government-sponsored project that compiles information, statistics, marital resources, and other information together. It's really interesting, and gives more numerical information based on various surveys and other research methods. So, from attitudes toward marriage, marital trends, demographics, divorce patterns, etc., this site has it covered.

There is also two academic journals that are dedicated to relationship research: Personal Relationships (Wiley), and The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE), both through the IARR. They both contain additional resources as well.

Now, I know what many of you who live in Lebanon, Europe, or elsewhere may be thinking: "But this is all written for Americans, by Americans." And honestly, you're right. A lot of this research is American/Western-focused, and there's a shortage of cross-cultural relationship research. This isn't to say it doesn't exist, just when compared to studies conducted on American samples, however, it just, well... doesn't compare. BUT, although culture does have much to do with romantic relationships, much of the research conducted can be applied to many different populations, especially at the individual level. So, definitely take everything with a grain of both salt and common sense/critical thinking, and if you have any questions, discuss it! Either in the comments section of my blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply just write the author! Even if they don't know the answer, they have the knowledge, skills, and expertise to connect you to other resources or find the answer for you.

This is also a great point to reiterate exactly what I'm doing here. I know I'm writing to you from the US now, but remember what I always say (and have said since I wrote my very first post almost a year ago): I want to help connect individuals to relationship research and resources in an easy-to-digest way that is informative, fun, and educational. Also, MA or not, I AM NOT AN EXPERT, nor do I ever intend to come off as one. I will always cite my sources, and I will strive to make this blog objective and value neutral. However, I will  write it in such a way that it focuses on Lebanese/Arab culture, but still be applicable to a general population and especially those who come from cultures that  emphasize family and social collectivity. If you ever need a reminder of this or the purpose, vision, or mission of this blog, just re-read the first post. I have tried to not deviate from my original purpose.

With that all said, I just want to give a teaser of some topics to expect in the coming few weeks in no specific order:

1. Can you really be friends after a break-up?
2. When in doubt, follow your nose
3. Understanding the difference between intention and opportunity
4. How to read a scientific article
5. A case for and against marriage
6. Dating at work: pros and cons
7. Are men REALLY from Mars, and women REALLY from Venus?
8. The pros and cons of pornography within a relationship context
9. Attraction and birth order
10. The benefits of selfless sexuality

As always, thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate all of your support, no matter what country you're in, continent you're on, or culture you were raised in.

Stay cool, peaceful, and lit-up Lebanon. And spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Loving the Skin You're In: Body Image & Relationships

"It's hard to talk about sexuality and relationships without also talking about body image and body awareness."

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I know what you're probably thinking: it's been a while. Well, I apologize that I accidentally took such a long break. As you remember me saying in the past, I like to blog once a week. While I've been posting a lot on the LOVEanon Facebook page, much has happened in the past few weeks--good things! The first is that I wrote my results chapter for my thesis which took a long time. But I did it! And now I'm waiting for the edits from my advisor. The second important thing that happened to me is that my girlfriend moved here to Beirut! You can only imagine how exciting it is, but also how my priorities have been elsewhere :) It's actually quite incredible how one person can really make you think about the world in a completely different way, especially when you write about love and relationships. Experiencing it really allows you to connect, to empathize... you get it. I wish this loving feeling to everyone in the world, and it's something I think that is really lacking. If only the world could love more... Perhaps I'm too much of a romantic.
 

Some of this maybe?

Anyway, I digress. And here we are, back to weekly blogging. So, how do I restart my blogging efforts? By talking about something that I've been wanting to discuss for a long time. And that happens to be the connection between body image, self-esteem, and romantic relationships. You might be thinking, "Chou, how are these concepts connected to each other?" But really, think about it... If you're living in Lebanon (or anywhere for that matter), what are you seeing every day? Advertisements. Hundreds of them, thousands of them. All telling you that you can be thinner, lighter, prettier, sexier... and this is especially true for women. All throughout both Lebanon and the world we're being saturated by and exposed to fake, altered images and videos, and we are self-internalizing them. This affects our self-perceptions. What I want to do with this post is show some examples of this and then connect it back to relationship research to show how they are connected (just check out this link for more information, or check out my thesis where I cover how media affects perceptions of self and love more extensively).

Courtesy of Ink on the Side by Sareen Akarjalian

The first thing I want to do is present: movie time! There are so many great videos out there about body image, media, advertisements, and the adverse effects. My favorite is called Killing Us Softly 4: Advertising's Image of Women, and it's presented by Jean Kilbourne, who is "a feminist author, speaker, and filmmaker who is internationally recognized for her work on the image of women in advertising and her critical studies of alcohol and tobacco advertising." You can watch the full video on YouTube here (part one), and here (part two). I want to show you just the trailer though that gives a great overview:

 

She goes into great depth about how exactly images are being altered and then presented as reality to people watching and consuming. It's creating a false reality that women and men in the REAL reality have to compete with, but ultimately never can. This also happens all while women especially are being "told" what is beautiful and what is not. Check out the following videos for some additional commentary on how we are duped into buying into false ideals of beauty:

1. This is a great example from the Dove company about the evolution of a model from before make-up/editing, to after: here. 

2. This is another really cool example from the Dove company: here. 

3. This video shows how Photoshop is used exactly to alter images, and this one that illustrates exactly how different what we view is from the reality.

4. This video and this video show examples of how celebrities look before and after photoshopping.

5. This video is really interesting as well. It's all about how media is used to reinforce gender stereotypes.

6. This slideshow, this slideshow, and this slideshow portrays models/actresses with and without make-up/Photoshop/enhancement, as well as this slideshow (at the bottom of the page) which does the same, but with porn stars.

7. This video looks at the the world of advertising and media production, and explores the "central claim that gender ideals are the result of ritualized cultural performance, uncovering a remarkable pattern of masculine and feminine displays and poses."

8. Here's a trailer to Killing Us Softly 3: Advertising's Image of Women, also done by Jean Kilbourne.

9.  And lastly, I highly recommend you watch Miss Representation, which uses "film as a catalyst for cultural transformation, The Representation Project inspires individuals and communities to challenge and overcome limiting stereotypes so that everyone, regardless of gender, race, class, age, sexual orientation or circumstance can fulfill their human potential."

But what would this list be without this one, possibly the best video in terms of commentary and comedy: Fotoshop by Adobé

Great isn't it? But what does this say for us? For you? Let's tie all this back together... as many of you might remember, a Lebanese bank was offering loans for plastic surgery. What's going on with us!? And why do we care so much about the way we look? And why do all the Lebanese girls seem to either look alike or TRY to look alike? Well, this answer has been explored a bit, in particular by Mallat (2011). Building on consumption theory, sociology of the body, post-war anomie, and other sociological (and anthropological) theory, she contextualizes Lebanese plastic surgery and offers insight into why it is so common and frequent. According to Mallat's (2011: vi) abstract:  

"The findings reveal that the pursuit of facial and bodily modification is an extension of an increasingly consumerist post-war society gripped by anxiety and fear about an uncertain future. In the face of this uncertainty, young Lebanese women use this tactic to increase their social capital and their chances of securing a good marriage. It explores the underlying characteristics of Lebanese society to explain how the local boom can be seen as the result of a long, complicated domino effect that is unique to Lebanon."

This as well as other commentary about sexuality and body image have been covered elsewhere by Lebanese bloggers too such as Our Man, and in the NOW Lebanon Blog. This one is particularly good: Are Lebanese women afraid of being natural? There were also two other articles that were interesting, this one and this one.

I think she needs a bit more foundation, what do you think?

Or Ukrainian model Valeria Lukyanova, the Real-life Barbie

What we're doing to our bodies is horrible. The social and psychological pressure to fit into a certain unrealistic ideal of beauty is an epidemic. Famed Moroccan feminist Fatima Mernissi spoke of it in her book "Scheherazade Goes West" basically concluding that although some women in the Arab world are bound by a harem consisting of patriarchy and religion, women in the "West" who are allegedly "more free" are bound by a different kind of harem. What she calls the "Size 6 Harem." Here's a newsflash though, that "harem" has been exported to the Arab world through globalization, mass media, and commercialization, and now Arab women in particular have much more to deal with than just misogyny, patriarchy, double-standards, and a host of other things. They have to contend with looking perfect all the time. Men are not excluded from this either. While there is less pressure on men especially in the Arab world as a whole, men are not divorced from unrealistic beauty and body standards and ideals.

Can't we just agree that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors?

Are you starting to understand what this has to do with relationships? It goes beyond what is just skin deep. Simply remember the one term I referenced earlier: self-esteem. And of course, what does self-esteem have to do with relationships? Everything! It affects how we think of ourselves, affects our relationship security, our relationship certainty. "Am I good enough?" "Does s/he like me enough, are they attracted to me enough?" "Would they break up with me if I wasn't good-looking enough?" Or of course, "Am I thin enough, is my penis too small, too big? Are my breasts too big, not big enough? Is my nose too big? Are my nails pretty enough, my eyebrows shaped well enough, lips luscious enough, curves curvy enough?"

YA ALLAH!! There's just so much to consider, no wonder people are insecure! And guess what? The academic literature supports it too... for both women AND men!

First of all, many studies have reaffirmed Jean Kilbourne's arguments above regarding media consumption and body image dissatisfaction among women including Vartanian, Giant, and Passino (2001); Green and Pritchard (2003); Grabe, Ward, and Hyde (2008); and Mousa, Mashal, Al-Domi, and Jibril (2010) (which was actually a study among Jordanian adolescent females), and many have affirmed this for men as well such as Leit, Gray, and Pope (2002); Hatoum and Belle (2004); Baird and Grieve (2006); and Barlett, Vowels, and Saucier (2008) (among many others).

Second, body image has direct relationship to self-esteem (e.g., Olivardia, Pope, Borowiecki, and Cohane, 2004; Smolak and Stein, 2006; Farquhar and Wasylkiw, 2007). Moreover, one thesis study was conducted on Lebanese adolescents examining the relationship between body image and self-esteem, discovering a positive relationship between these two constructs (Khraybani, 2008). In addition, she found no gender differences were shown on body image, where as males had higher self-esteem than females related to athletic competence, physical appearance, and romantic attachment.

While this might all seem like common sense, what isn't so common sense necessarily is how self-esteem connects to our relationships. There's been much research to show how self-esteem connects to relationship satisfaction and sexual functioning. For instance:

Hoyt and Kogan (2001: 199) examined body image and relationship satisfaction in male and female university students, indicating, "Women, especially those under or above average weight, were more dissatisfied with their appearance than were men, whereas men were more dissatisfied with their relationships and sex lives than were women. In addition, those body parts with which each gender was most dissatisfied were consistent with the body parts emphasized through "ideal" images. These results are discussed in relation to gender role dynamics and societal pressures."

Davison and McCabe (2005: 463) conducted a study that examined the relationships between different aspects of body image and psychological, social, and sexual functioning, finding, "Body image was associated with self-esteem for all groups, but...a disturbance in body image was related to problematic social and sexual functioning among middle-aged men and to depression and anxiety symptoms in late adulthood among men and women. Middle-aged men who presented with the type of body image disturbance typical of women were more likely to have impaired interpersonal functioning. These results demonstrate that social aspects of body image appear to be important in understanding psychological functioning in later life."

Markey and Markey (2006: 271) investigated the associations between young women’s romantic relationships and their body image. Their results revealed, "Females were more dissatisfied with their bodies than they perceived their significant others to be and were more dissatisfied than their significant others actually were. Analyses further indicated that the longer women had been in a relationship with their significant other, the more likely they were to incorrectly believe that their significant other wanted them to look thinner."

What's even more interesting is the link between relationships and self-esteem, and how it is gendered. Here's an example: Ambwani and Strauss (2007) explored body esteem, romantic love, and gender through qualitative and quantitative analysis, finding that there was a link between body self-esteem and romantic relationships for both genders. Moreover, they found that the variables of "trust" and "jealousy" were connected to self-esteem for women--i.e., higher feelings of trust and lower feelings of jealousy were correlated with higher self-esteem. Lastly, women were more likely than men to admit that body image influenced their sexual relations and that relationships affected their self-confidence.

While some such as Samet and Kelly (1987) have found that there's a correlation between romantic love and higher self-esteem, there is also an inverse connection between romantic relationships and self-esteem. Feeney and Noller (1990) studied attachment style, social relationship/attachment history, and beliefs about relationships, finding that each of these factors were related. They found that "Securely Attached" individuals reported relatively positive perceptions of their early family relationships. "Avoidant" participants were most likely to report childhood separation from their mother and to express mistrust of others. "Anxious-Ambivalent" participants were less likely than the "Avoidant" participants to see their father as supportive, and they reported a lack of independence and a desire for deep commitment in relationships. Further analysis also indicated that attachment style was also strongly related to self-esteem and to the various forms of love. This also connects to body image because, as Cash, Thériault, and Annis (2004: 89) found, "For both sexes, greater body image dysfunction was linked to less secure general attachment, especially more preoccupied general adult attachment and more anxious romantic attachment."

I know that was all a lot of information... but hey, what do you expect from me? I might write long posts, but this is research. It's not right to bull shit it or give shallow insight to social problems. Just remember that the way you think about yourself also affects your relationship/your relationship partner, and vice-versa.

This campaign seeks to address a huge problem in India and South Asia: the overvaluing of light (brown) skin, and the undervaluing of dark (brown/black) skin. But, #BrownIsBeautiful!

Although, like usual, I don't come with answers, just more information to understand the problem, I can say that there is something you can do. Love yourself! Love the beauty you have. No one's perfect, but why do we even have to be? Even worse, why do we expect them to be, and why do people expect YOU to be? Why do you let them? No one else has your eyes, no one else has that beautiful smile you flash when you hear a service driver call you "habibi." No one else has your curves, your arms, your body. More importantly, no one should control your body, especially media images. While it's unfortunately cliche to say that a personality is beautiful, remember that our personality often highlights our beauty. And attraction in itself is a difficult thing to comment on, mostly because it's subjective. What you think you like, and who you think you are attracted to can be--and often are--completely thrown out of the window when you meet the right person. They don't need to look like Haifa Wehbe or Nancy Ajram. They can just be who they are. They have their own beauty. And don't forget: our outer beauty is undoubtedly inseparable from and inextricably linked to our inner beauty.

So, love yourself. Be beautiful. Spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. This article discusses the "Contrast Effect," which describes evaluating ""normal" people as less desirable and unfairly plain when compared to "beautiful" people." It is incredibly relevant to this topic, and I really suggest you check it out. Also, I suggest you stay up-to-date with the Science of Relationships because they often post articles about body image and its connections to relationship well-being, satisfaction, and maintenance.

References:

Ambwani, Suman, and Jaine Strauss. 2007. "Love Thyself Before Loving Others? A Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis of Gender Differences in Body Image and Romantic Love." Sex Roles, 56: 13–21.

Baird, Amy L., and Frederick G. 2006. "Exposure to Male Models in Advertisements Leads to a  Decrease in Men's Body Satisfaction." North American Journal of Psychology, 8(1), 115-122.

Barlett, Christopher P., Christopher L. Vowels, and Donald A. Saucier. 2008. "Meta-Analyses of the Effects of Media  Images on Men’s Body-Image Concerns." Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 27(3): 279-310.

Cash, Thomas F., Jocelyne Thériault, and Natasha Milkewicz Annis. 2004. "Body Image in an Interpersonal Context: Adult Attachment, Fear of Intimacy and Social Anxiety." Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23(1): 829-103.

Davison, Tanya E., and Marita P. McCabe. 2005. "Relationships Between Men’s and Women’s Body Image and Their Psychological, Social, and Sexual Functioning." Sex Roles, 52(7/8): 463-475.

Hoyt, Wendy D., and Lori R. Kogan. 2001. "Satisfaction With Body Image and Peer Relationships for Males and Females in a College Environment." Sex Roles, 45(3/4): 199-215.

Grabe, Shelly, L. Monique Ward, and Janet Shibley Hyde. 2008. "The Role of the Media in  Body Image Concerns Among Women: A Meta-Analysis of Experimental and Correlational Studies." Psychological Bulletin, 134(3): 460-476.

Farquhar, Jamie C., and Louise Wasylkiw. 2007. "Media Images of Men: Trends and Consequences of Body Conceptualization." Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 8(3): 145-160.

Feeney, Judith A., and Patricia Noller. 1990. "Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2): 281-291.

Green, Sharin Palladino, and Mary E. Pritchard. 2003. "Predictors of Body Image Dissatisfaction in Adult men and Women." Social Behavior and Personality, 31(3): 215-222.

Hatoum, Ida Jodette, and Deborah Belle. 2004. "Mags and Abs: Media Consumption and Bodily Concerns in  Men." Sex Roles, 51(7/8), 397-407.

Khraybani, Imane Farouk. 2008. The Relationship Between Body image and Self-Esteem Among Female and Male Adolescents in a School in Lebanon. Master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

Leit, Richard A., James J. Gray, and Harrison G. Pope, Jr. 2002. "The Media's Representation of the Ideal Male  Body: A Cause for Muscle Dysmorphia?" International Journal of Eating Disorders, 31(3): 334-338.

Markey, Charlotte N., and Patrick M. Markey. 2006. "Romantic Relationships and Body Satisfaction Among Young Women." Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 35(2): 271–279.

Mallat, Sarah E. 2011. More Than Just Another Pretty Face? Understanding Motivations for  Plastic Surgery Among Lebanese Female Youth. Master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

Mernissi, Fatima. 2001. Scheherazade Goes West. New York, NY: Washington Square Press.

Mousa, Tamara Y., Rima H. Mashal, Hayder A. Al-Domi, and Musa A. Jibril. 2010. "Body Image Dissatisfaction Among Adolescent Schoolgirls in Jordan." Body Image, 7: 46-50.

Olivardia, Roberto, Harrison G. Pope Jr., John J. Borowiecki III, and Geoffrey H. Cohane. 2004. "Biceps and Body Image: The Relationship Between Muscularity and Self-Esteem, Depression, and Eating Disorder Symptoms." Psychology of Men and Masculinity, 5(2): 112-120.

Samet, Naomi, and Eugene W. Kelly. 1987. "The Relationship of Steady Dating to Self-Esteem and Sex Role Identity Among Adolescents." Adolescence, 22(85): 231-245.

Smolak, Linda, and Jonathan A. Stein. 2006. "The Relationship of Drive for Muscularity to Socio-cultural Factors, Self-esteem, Physical Attributes Gender Role, and Social Comparison in Middle School Boys." Body Image, 3: 121-129.

Vartanian, Lesa. Rae, Carrie L. Giant, and Rhonda M. Passino. 2001. "Ally McBeal vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger:" Comparing Mass Media, Interpersonal Feedback, and Gender as Predictors of Satisfaction with Body Thinness and Muscularity." Social Behavior and Personality, 29(7): 711-724.

SEXtarianism: From Politics to the Bedroom

Happy Wednesday LOVEanese, and for all those in the States: happy Thanksgiving! Just a quick reminder. If you haven't "liked" LOVEanon on Facebook, go check it out. I post a lot of cool and quick links to articles/resources there because I use LOVEanon to post substantial information.

Now that the weekly housekeeping is out of the way... what's up with the title? Well, I think it's pretty clever, and it by no means is a demand for Lebanese institutions to stop discriminating based on sect and begin discriminating based on sex and gender (oh wait, they already do that). No, no... on the contrary, it just means let's educate ourselves and talk a bit about sex and sexual health.

For a long time I wanted to avoid this topic. This is a blog about love and relationships, not sex. But sex/physical acts are still a big part of many people's relationships. While they aren't necessarily connected, some Western scholars have noted a connection between romantic love and sex (C. Hendrick and S. Hendrick, 1989; Aron and Aron, 1991; Hatfield and Rapson, 1993; Sprecher and Regan, 1998; Kaestle and Halpern, 2007).

Although they may (or may not) be related, something I think we could all use a little more sexual education. Where can you get this information though? Let me introduce you to some of the best websites I've found that have real, quality sexual health resources and information:

1. The first is the best in my opinion: Kinsey Confidential. It has a lot of resources and articles that are written by scholars and professionals from the Kinsey Institute of Indiana University in the U.S. It's named after Alfred Kinsey, THE pioneer of sexual research. In addition, this site has really great links to sexual health resources.

2. Another highly-recommend sexual health and relationship resource is a blog authored by Dr. Justin Lehmiller called "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." It has a lot of great topics on it. I suggest you check it out as well, and follow him/the blog on Facebook and Twitter. He also often writes for the Science of Relationships, which is a premier relationship resource (including for topics related to sexuality!).

3. The third is Good in Bed. Like Kinsey Confidential, they use a lot of the existing and new research about sexuality to engage the readers. They also have cool links to new books, articles, and information regarding sex, romance, and sexual health.

3. The fourth is a blogger for the Huffington Post: Cara Santa Maria. You can check her blog posts out here. Regardless of what you think of the publication, she has some really cool links about love, romance, and sex. I really like this interactive infographic she posted about our brain when we fall in love.

4. The last one is called She Knows Love. It's a little more "Cosmo-esk," but of what I have read, I like it. By the way, on that note let me remind you to never, EVER believe anything you read in Cosmo.

Now if any of you are thinking "but these are things made for Americans and American audiences," you're right. They do have a lot of great, general information. But what's available for individuals in Lebanon or the Arab world regarding sexual resources?

One of them is the Marsa Sexual Health Center (Marsa means "anchor" in Arabic) which NOW Lebanon did a spotlight on as well. The first link also includes their location and contact information. It's in Beirut near Haigazian University in Clemenceau, and is also on Facebook via a group and a page (which also provides location contact info, and more). They "provide social, psychological, and medical services to all sexually active individuals in Lebanon regardless of gender, age, and sexual orientation in complete confidentiality."

Also, for an academic overview of sexuality in the Arab world see: Khalaf and Gagnon (Eds.) (2006). Some other interesting scholastic books and articles include: Mernissi (1971; 2001), Allen, Kilpatrick, and de Moor (Eds.) (1995), Brooks (1995), Abu-Lughod (1999) [1986], Hopwood (1999), Joseph (2005), Massad (2007), Khalaf and Saad Khalaf (Eds.) (2009).

So, now you have a few resources about sex... but that's not all I want to do with this post. If you notice, I didn't include any pictures making jokes and trying to entertain because it's not a joke. This is a very serious issue. I know I'm not the first to try and talk about it either. But today it really upset me today when a girl friend of mine called herself out for being different because she is open about her sexuality. Ladies and gentlemen, you don't need to be ashamed of it: embrace your sexuality, no matter if you're straight, gay, bi, somewhere in the middle, or no matter how public or private you wish it to be! It was at that moment impassioned words began to spew from my mouth that she shouldn't be bad, guilty, or dirty because she has a healthy outlook regarding sex. In fact, perhaps if more people were getting laid, people would be just a little bit happier and stop fighting like a bunch of spoiled rotten little kids so much.

Of course, your sexuality can include a wide range of practices. So, no matter how discrete or private you are about it, just stay educated. In a country where it's embarrassing to buy condoms from the neighborhood pharmacy, we have to be diligent about staying informed. I invite anyone to share their comments on how a lack of sexual education and sexual resources puts any kind of strain on romantic relationships, and also inform me of any other good sexual resources.

Feel free to disagree. Or agree. Just talk about it! This is your forum!

Spread the love (and make some if it floats your boat),

-Ogie

P.S. Seriously, stop reading Cosmo. Not kidding.

References:

Abu-Lughod, Lila. 1999 [1986]. Veiled Sentiments: Honor and Poetry in a Bedouin Society.  Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.

Allen, Roger, Hilary Kilpatrick, and Ed de Moor (Eds.). 1995. Love and Sexuality in Modern Arabic Literature. London, UK: Saqi.

Aron, Arthur, and Elaine N. Aron. 1991. "Love and Sexuality." Pp. 25-48 in Sexuality in Close Relationships, edited by Kathleen McKinney and Susan Sprecher. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Brooks, Geraldine. 1995. Nine Parts of Desire: The Hidden World of Islamic Women. Harpswell, ME: Anchor Publishing.

Hatfield, Elaine, and Richard L. Rapson. 1993. Love, Sex, and Intimacy: Their Psychology, Biology, and History. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

Hendrick, Clyde, and Susan S. Hendrick. 1989. "Research on Love: Does It Measure Up?"  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56: 784-794.

Hopwood, Derek. 1999. Sexual Encounters in the Middle East: The British, The French and The Arabs. Ithaca Press.

Joseph, Suad. 2005. "Learning Desire: Relational Pedagogies and the Desiring Female Subject in Lebanon." Journal of Middle East Women’s Studies, 1(1): 79-109.

Kaestle, Christine Elizabeth, and Carolyn Tucker Halpern. 2007. "What’s Love Got to Do With It? Sexual Behaviors of Opposite-Sex Couples Through Emerging Adulthood." Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 39(3): 134-140.

Khalaf, Samir, and John H. Gangon (Eds.). 2006. Sexuality in the Arab World. London, UK:  Saqi.

Khalaf, Samir, and Roseanne Saad Khalaf (Eds.). 2009. Arab Society and Culture: An Essential Reader. London, UK: Saqi.

Massad, Joseph A. 2007. Desiring Arabs. Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

Mernissi, Fatima. 2001. Scheherazade Goes West. New York, NY: Washington Square Press.

----. 1975. Beyond the Veil: Male-Female Dynamics in a Modern Muslim Society. New York, NY: Schenkman.

Sprecher, Susan, and Pamela C. Regan. 1998. "Passionate and Companionate Love in Courting  and Young Married Couples." Sociological Inquiry, 68(2): 163-185.