The Art of Slow Dance

Saba7o/namaste LOVEanese! I'm really excited to post so soon again. Thanks so much for all of your wonderful comments on my last post, I really appreciated how well-received it was. This post is going to be a bit of a quickie. I just want to start by saying that I encourage you to check out my older posts (especially if you're a new reader). I update them often with new resources. I recently did that for this post about body image and its connections with relationships, as well as this one about love, relationships, and technology.

I also have some recommended reading for you for this week (which I always post to the LOVEanon Facebook Page as well):

1. The first is an op-ed article out of the New York Times offering research and statistics about why Men Need Women. Basically, it discusses, for instance, how when men become fathers of baby girls, they tend to take on certain feminine traits like understanding and empathy. And this also manifests in different aspects of their life (such as their work).

2. The second is a series of photos from BuzzFeed titled, "Pictures That Will Make You Believe in True Love." It's really warm-hearted, and incredibly cute.

3. The third is an absolute MUST READ! It's from Science of Relationships, and outlines 5 key aspects that are predictors of relationship satisfaction, and 5 aspects of relationships that actually aren't correlated with relationship satisfaction. Definitely check it out! It will really make you rethink what we are often told is important.

Surprisingly, while you'd think a mutual love of Star Wars would be one of the 5 predictors of relationship satisfaction, it actually isn't.

Now, on to the post itself. This past Thursday, I went to the Hard Rock Cafe here in Bangalore for a live show. My friend is the bassist/lead singer for the band One Night Stand, and put on a great show. After the show finished, the DJ put on hard rock music (as you'd expect), and at one point, he put on a slower song. I can't remember exactly which one it was, but I went over to my friend Theresa, and asked her to dance with me. It was so nice to dance again with someone--and the right way. It was in that moment, I began to think a lot about the "art" of slow dance. 

For those unfamiliar, Wikipedia says it well:

"A slow dance is a type of partner dance in which a couple dance slowly, swaying to the music. This is usually done to very slow-beat songs. "Slow dancing" can refer to any slow couple dance (such as certain ballroom dances), but is often associated with a particular, simple style of dance performed by middle school and high school students. When two partners dance together, the lead partner typically holds their hands against the sides of the following partner's hips or waist while the follower drapes their hands on the leader's shoulders. The couple then sways back and forth with the music. Foot movement is minimal, but the pair may use their feet to slowly turn on the spot. Because the dance requires little physical concentration, participants often talk to each other while dancing. Some couples who have a close relationship may dance very closely together, in a "hug-and-sway" fashion. Slow dancing is often considered to be just hugging and swaying, rather than an actual dance. This simple form of slow dancing is common at dances sponsored by schools or by religious organizations, such as churches or synagogues."

If you grew up in the U.S. (and maybe Canada, for instance), you generally associate slow dancing with middle/high school and embarrassment because "in Western popular culture, slow dancing can serve as a symbol of adolescent social awkwardness.

Remember this?

Luckily, as you get older, you generally develop your dance skills a little more, so that it (hopefully) becomes more like this:

 Well... or at least more like this:

It really doesn't matter if you're in a regular dance club/discotheque in Beirut, Bangalore, Berlin, or Boston, chances are, you will never hear "slow dance music." You have to go to a jazz club, or a special music night in order to hear it. And when we imagine those things, except for the few young people who may appreciate it or think it's cool, most of those events are thought of as being for middle-aged and older people.

Historically, the concept of slow dancing came out of ballroom dance, specifically, the waltz (which, apparently, when it debuted, was a very racy and scandalous dance because it involved two individuals being very close together--at least when compared to how people normally danced at the time (think Pride and Prejudice)). Obviously, dancing has come a long way since...

When did this ^                            Become that ^ ???

Wait a second here... let's think about this. How can "bumping and grinding" be perfectly OK (socially-speaking) in most clubs in the world today, but when it comes to taking someone by the hand, holding them close, and swaying with them, that's largely absent from the general dance environment/scene? Sure, they played love ballads at prom in high school, but after you graduated, it basically stopped. As if it was society communicating to you that the hard part's over, and you won't have to do that again until you attend a wedding in your mid-to-late 20s.

Let's think about this. As you know, I've mentioned how much I like slow dancing in the past, and even documented one of my slow dance experiences, so perhaps I'm a bit biased. But, regardless, I think this general lack of affinity for slow dancing comes from two key places. The first (as high school demonstrated so clearly) is that no one ever really teaches you how to slow dance. If you're lucky, you pick it up over time, or see someone who knows what they're doing (professional dancer, parents, family, etc.). And I honestly don't think people really do know how. Luckily, there's this nifty thing out there called the Internet.

I'm not sure if you've heard of it.

Thankfully, there are all kinds of great tutorials for how to properly slow dance online. This one from WikiHow is really great (and has pictures too). If that's not good enough, head over to YouTube. There's many good instructional videos (if not perhaps a bit under enthused), including this one and this one.

Taking into consideration the fact that often, we're not taught how to slow dance, coupled with the awkwardness and the embarrassing memories generally attached to slow dancing, perhaps it's understandable why a 20-something who's had a few drinks at a club doesn't want to necessarily start swaying (although they might by the time they're trying to go home). But that's not enough for me, I want to go deeper. I think it also connects to a topic I've blogged about before that is especially applicable/relevant to people younger than 35: the fear (and general avoidance) of intimacy. Slow dancing is incredibly intimate, especially if you do it right. Your faces touch, the music is sweet and romantic, you're very close together, you can almost feel the other person's chest moving up and down when the tip of your nose grazes past their cheek. Ya Allah! It's incredibly intimate. Yet, I don't think that's the kind of feeling most people either go out in search for, or want period. Maybe I'm conflating two unrelated things. But even though "grinding" has proximity and a hypersexual-nature, it's not necessarily intimate--and I would argue is often quite shallow. It's amazing to me how it's become so easy to ask someone to rub their ass on you, but asking a girl or guy to slow dance with you is tantamount to being asked to go to the moon without a space shuttle. It's both almost impossible AND undesirable. 

Thus, awkward memories, a lack of education, and a fear of intimacy may all play a part in why slow dancing is largely a lost--but not forgotten--art.

(Image via Gwendolyn McShepard/GPY Galleries)

And with all that said, I want to encourage you to slow dance. Even if it's not at a club or B018, or Sky Bar, or whatever, dance. Find someone who will appreciate it, appreciate you. Put some nice music on, light some candles, and spend the night swaying together. THAT is romance, and is easy to make.

Oh, you don't have good music? Not an excuse. Not anymore anyway. Go to 8Tracks (here's a great one), go to Last.fm, go to SoundCloud, go to TuneIn, go to iHeartRadio, go to GrooveShark, go to Pandora, go to Spotify, go to iTunes, go to Google Play, go to YouTube, go to MySpace even! Do a Google search! Here are some of my favorite songs that I recommend, a little old, a little new, some you'd expect, others you wouldn't. Many are in English, but some in other languages (including French, Spanish, Hindi, and Arabic) (in alphabetical order by artist):

Skyfall -- Adele
I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith
Nothing At All -- Alison Krauss
I Can Love You Like That -- All-4-One
I Swear -- All-4-One
Moon River -- Andy Williams
You Should Know Where I'm Coming From -- Banks
And I Love Her -- The Beatles
Forever -- Ben Harper
Walk Away -- Ben Harper
Comin' Home Baby Feat. Michael Bublé -- Boyz II Men
Whiskey Lullaby -- Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss
Forever -- Breaking Benjamin
Close To You -- The Carpenters
I Get Along Without You Very Well -- Chet Baker
What's New? -- Chris Botti
Let There Be Love Feat. Michael Bublé -- Chris Botti
Wicked Game -- Chris Isaak
I'll Never Smile Again -- The Chris McDonald Orchestra
Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay
Fix You - Coldplay
Colorblind -- The Counting Crows
Cannonball -- Damien Rice
Crash Into Me -- Dave Matthews' Band
Everybody Loves Somebody -- Dean Martin
A Lack Of Color -- Death Cab For Cutie
Thank You -- Dido
Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
I'll Be -- Edwin McCain
Lets Call The Whole Thing Off -- Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
I Can't Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis
Aníron (Theme For Aragorn And Arwen) -- Enya (Composed by Howard Shore)
(Fun fact: Aníron means "I desire" in the constructed Elvish language of J. R. R. Tolkien's 6-book epic, The Lord of the Rings. However, the song only appears in the film trilogy, not in the books.)
Saajna (Unplugged) -- Falak Shabir
Murder By Mistletoe -- The Felice Brothers
Embraceable You -- Frank Sinatra
Fly Me To The Moon -- Frank Sinatra
If You Go Away -- Frank Sinatra
Witchcraft -- Frank Sinatra
Iris -- The Goo Goo Dolls
Name -- The Goo Goo Dolls
Tell That To My Heart (Amor Venme A Buscar) -- Il Divo
Without You (Desde El Dia Que Te Fuis Te) -- Il Divo
Echo -- Incubus
Angel -- Jack Johnson
You're Beautiful -- James Blunt
Fly Love (from the movie, Rio) -- Jamie Foxx
Billie Jean (Michael Jackson jazz cover) -- Jamie Lancaster & Karen Souza
A Beautiful Mess -- Jason Mraz
I'm Yours -- Jason Mraz
Say -- John Mayer
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room -- John Mayer
Si Volvieras A Mi -- Josh Groban
El Amor (La Tendresse) -- Julio Iglesias
Il Faut Toujours Un Perdant (Hey) -- Julio Iglesias
No Me Vuelvo A Enamorar (I Won't Fall In Love Again) -- Julio Iglesias
Por El Amor De Una Mujer -- Julio Iglesias
Crazy -- K-Ci & JoJo
All My Life -- K-Ci & JoJo
You And Me -- Lifehouse
Amazed -- Lonestar
She Will Be Loved -- Maroon 5
Shim El Yasmine -- Mashrou' Leila
Inni Mnih -- Mashrou' Leila
You Don't Know Me (the instrumental version is great too) -- Michael Bublé
Lost (International Pop Mix) -- Michael Bublé
You're Nobody 'Till Somebody Loves You -- Michael Bublé
Home -- Michael Bublé
Over And Over Again Feat. Tim McGraw -- Nelly
Don't Know Why -- Norah Jones
Come Away With Me -- Norah Jones
Turn Me On -- Norah Jones
When A Man Loves A Woman - Percy Sledge
Baby I Love Your Way - Peter Frampton
Half Light -- Porcupine Tree
Such Great Heights (Performed By Iron & Wine) - The Postal Service
Habbaitak Ana -- Ramy Ayach
It's Only Love That Gets You Through -- Sade
Truly, Madly, Deeply -- Savage Garden
Kiss From A Rose -- Seal
Chasing Cars -- Snow Patrol
Moondance -- Van Morrison
Here Without You -- 3 Doors Down
Love Song -- 311

If all else fails, just stick to Michael Bublé, Frank Sinatra, Norah Jones, and smooth jazz. You'll never go wrong with them.

What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree with my arguments? Think I'm forgetting something? Let me know what you think! Also, let me know your favorite slow songs. I'd be happy to add them to the list (it's definitely not an exhaustive one).

Spread the love (and slow dance some more),

-Ogie, MA

P.S. Get ready for an exciting announcement at the end of this week!

Updates and More Relationship Resources

Hello LOVEanese! Listen, I know it's been a long time since my last post, but A LOT has changed since then. For one, since I finished my thesis/defended, I graduated with an MA in sociology on June 22, and I moved from Beirut back to Kentucky in early July to see friends, spend time with family, and look for a job. So, not only am I coming to you live from the United States now, but I'm also in a different timezone (just an FYI). As you can imagine, it's been a really busy time. I also had the chance to present my thesis at the 2012 International Conference of the International Association of Relationship Research (IARR) in Chicago. It was great! I got to network and connect with many other relationship researchers, meet some of those people whose names appear in academic publications you read, and listen to a lot of presentations on really cool topics. My presentation went great, and I was even so fortunate to have my parents and a friend attend (so I could finally prove that I WAS doing something worth my time haha).

Transitioning back to "American life" has definitely been more difficult than I imagined. Finding a job has been incredibly tough, it seems like I apply to jobs everyday, only to never hear back. Typical I hear. Not exactly the best time, but whatever. Something will work out eventually. There's also been other things that have been on my mind as I transition back. The first is the loss of possession. Not in material things, but, for instance, the other day I told someone, "Oh, you should see my apartment!......well, my old apartment..." Little realizations like that make things difficult, and remind you of loss: loss of your routine, your living space, your independence, your bed, your living room, your kitchen, your routine, your city, your lifestyle, your friends, your family, your dekaneh owner, your life. But, that's also part of life: moving on, and moving forward. The other issue has been with this weird transitional in-between stage I feel between college students and recent/not-so-recent college grads. As someone who kind if fits into the middle, I'm finding it hard to identify with both groups.

But you know, with the opportunity for change also comes the opportunity for great growth and a lot of introspection. Of course, many Lebanese/Arab individuals are accustomed to moving around, so that definitely isn't a feeling that's hard to identify with. And I have been thinking about things often, including life and where to go next, and how to meet new people, etc. Before I get to one of the new revelations I had about dating that I wanted to share with you in the next post, I wanted to remind you of some great relationship resources that exist (I'll also be putting these on the LOVEanon Facebook Page. Remember, avoid places like Cosmo and Men's Health, and look for resources where research is cited! Don't merely take advice because they say an "expert" is writing about it):

1. The first is probably the best one because it is a hub for many different relationship bloggers, and has a ton of resources in general. It's called The Science of Relationships (http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/). It has information related to dating, relationships, sexuality, friendship, marriage, courtship, engagement, breaking up, compatibility, and a host of other topics, resources, and featured columns. The best part is that they write like me: including social scientific relationship research in their posts. The head editors were also present at the IARR event, and all of them/the contributing authors all have a background in relationship research (either with an MA, PhD, or other degree/experience). Definitely a relevant and credible website (you can also check them out on Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites).

2. The second is a website by Dr. Terri Orbuch ("The Love Doctor"). I also had the opportunity (and privilege if I may add) to meet her at the IARR event. She's a media-friendly relationship researcher from Michigan who writes articles related to relationship research for media outlets (she was interviewed for the story about "5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce" (A better overview here)). She also does a weekly segment on a local Michigan news outlet (Saturday morning between 8 and 8:30 AM on WJBK Fox 2 News-Detroit). You can find her columns on the Huffington Post and Psychology Today (Psychology Today is also a great resource!). She can also be followed on Facebook and Twitter.

3. The third is a bunch of resources hosted by Dr. Bjarn Holmes (who I am convinced is the real-life Thor). Also a media-friendly researcher, he blogs on Science of Relationships and Psychology Today. He also hosts a monthly podcast series called Relationship Matters,  which features an interview (or more) with a knowledgeable expert on some aspect of relationship research and relationship maintenance. He is available on Twitter.

4. When it comes to sexual concerns related to relationships, sexual health, and everything in-between, Kinsey Confidential out of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana University is my go-to guide (Kinsey sound familiar? It was established by pioneering human sexuality researcher Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey). Anyway, this site has it all, from relationship resources to information about STIs, sexual health, sexuality and relationships, answers to questions about sex, reading lists to check out, and much more. I strongly suggest you check them out, and follow them on Facebook and Twitter.

5. Another sexual health and relationship resource (and another that I heard about at IARR) is a blog authored by Dr. Justin Lehmiller called "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." It has a lot of great topics on it. I suggest you check it out as well, and follow him/the blog on Facebook.

6. The last resource I want to link you to today is the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. It's a non-partisan, government-sponsored project that compiles information, statistics, marital resources, and other information together. It's really interesting, and gives more numerical information based on various surveys and other research methods. So, from attitudes toward marriage, marital trends, demographics, divorce patterns, etc., this site has it covered.

There is also two academic journals that are dedicated to relationship research: Personal Relationships (Wiley), and The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE), both through the IARR. They both contain additional resources as well.

Now, I know what many of you who live in Lebanon, Europe, or elsewhere may be thinking: "But this is all written for Americans, by Americans." And honestly, you're right. A lot of this research is American/Western-focused, and there's a shortage of cross-cultural relationship research. This isn't to say it doesn't exist, just when compared to studies conducted on American samples, however, it just, well... doesn't compare. BUT, although culture does have much to do with romantic relationships, much of the research conducted can be applied to many different populations, especially at the individual level. So, definitely take everything with a grain of both salt and common sense/critical thinking, and if you have any questions, discuss it! Either in the comments section of my blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply just write the author! Even if they don't know the answer, they have the knowledge, skills, and expertise to connect you to other resources or find the answer for you.

This is also a great point to reiterate exactly what I'm doing here. I know I'm writing to you from the US now, but remember what I always say (and have said since I wrote my very first post almost a year ago): I want to help connect individuals to relationship research and resources in an easy-to-digest way that is informative, fun, and educational. Also, MA or not, I AM NOT AN EXPERT, nor do I ever intend to come off as one. I will always cite my sources, and I will strive to make this blog objective and value neutral. However, I will  write it in such a way that it focuses on Lebanese/Arab culture, but still be applicable to a general population and especially those who come from cultures that  emphasize family and social collectivity. If you ever need a reminder of this or the purpose, vision, or mission of this blog, just re-read the first post. I have tried to not deviate from my original purpose.

With that all said, I just want to give a teaser of some topics to expect in the coming few weeks in no specific order:

1. Can you really be friends after a break-up?
2. When in doubt, follow your nose
3. Understanding the difference between intention and opportunity
4. How to read a scientific article
5. A case for and against marriage
6. Dating at work: pros and cons
7. Are men REALLY from Mars, and women REALLY from Venus?
8. The pros and cons of pornography within a relationship context
9. Attraction and birth order
10. The benefits of selfless sexuality

As always, thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate all of your support, no matter what country you're in, continent you're on, or culture you were raised in.

Stay cool, peaceful, and lit-up Lebanon. And spread the love,
-Ogie, MA