The Art of Slow Dance

Saba7o/namaste LOVEanese! I'm really excited to post so soon again. Thanks so much for all of your wonderful comments on my last post, I really appreciated how well-received it was. This post is going to be a bit of a quickie. I just want to start by saying that I encourage you to check out my older posts (especially if you're a new reader). I update them often with new resources. I recently did that for this post about body image and its connections with relationships, as well as this one about love, relationships, and technology.

I also have some recommended reading for you for this week (which I always post to the LOVEanon Facebook Page as well):

1. The first is an op-ed article out of the New York Times offering research and statistics about why Men Need Women. Basically, it discusses, for instance, how when men become fathers of baby girls, they tend to take on certain feminine traits like understanding and empathy. And this also manifests in different aspects of their life (such as their work).

2. The second is a series of photos from BuzzFeed titled, "Pictures That Will Make You Believe in True Love." It's really warm-hearted, and incredibly cute.

3. The third is an absolute MUST READ! It's from Science of Relationships, and outlines 5 key aspects that are predictors of relationship satisfaction, and 5 aspects of relationships that actually aren't correlated with relationship satisfaction. Definitely check it out! It will really make you rethink what we are often told is important.

Surprisingly, while you'd think a mutual love of Star Wars would be one of the 5 predictors of relationship satisfaction, it actually isn't.

Now, on to the post itself. This past Thursday, I went to the Hard Rock Cafe here in Bangalore for a live show. My friend is the bassist/lead singer for the band One Night Stand, and put on a great show. After the show finished, the DJ put on hard rock music (as you'd expect), and at one point, he put on a slower song. I can't remember exactly which one it was, but I went over to my friend Theresa, and asked her to dance with me. It was so nice to dance again with someone--and the right way. It was in that moment, I began to think a lot about the "art" of slow dance. 

For those unfamiliar, Wikipedia says it well:

"A slow dance is a type of partner dance in which a couple dance slowly, swaying to the music. This is usually done to very slow-beat songs. "Slow dancing" can refer to any slow couple dance (such as certain ballroom dances), but is often associated with a particular, simple style of dance performed by middle school and high school students. When two partners dance together, the lead partner typically holds their hands against the sides of the following partner's hips or waist while the follower drapes their hands on the leader's shoulders. The couple then sways back and forth with the music. Foot movement is minimal, but the pair may use their feet to slowly turn on the spot. Because the dance requires little physical concentration, participants often talk to each other while dancing. Some couples who have a close relationship may dance very closely together, in a "hug-and-sway" fashion. Slow dancing is often considered to be just hugging and swaying, rather than an actual dance. This simple form of slow dancing is common at dances sponsored by schools or by religious organizations, such as churches or synagogues."

If you grew up in the U.S. (and maybe Canada, for instance), you generally associate slow dancing with middle/high school and embarrassment because "in Western popular culture, slow dancing can serve as a symbol of adolescent social awkwardness.

Remember this?

Luckily, as you get older, you generally develop your dance skills a little more, so that it (hopefully) becomes more like this:

 Well... or at least more like this:

It really doesn't matter if you're in a regular dance club/discotheque in Beirut, Bangalore, Berlin, or Boston, chances are, you will never hear "slow dance music." You have to go to a jazz club, or a special music night in order to hear it. And when we imagine those things, except for the few young people who may appreciate it or think it's cool, most of those events are thought of as being for middle-aged and older people.

Historically, the concept of slow dancing came out of ballroom dance, specifically, the waltz (which, apparently, when it debuted, was a very racy and scandalous dance because it involved two individuals being very close together--at least when compared to how people normally danced at the time (think Pride and Prejudice)). Obviously, dancing has come a long way since...

When did this ^                            Become that ^ ???

Wait a second here... let's think about this. How can "bumping and grinding" be perfectly OK (socially-speaking) in most clubs in the world today, but when it comes to taking someone by the hand, holding them close, and swaying with them, that's largely absent from the general dance environment/scene? Sure, they played love ballads at prom in high school, but after you graduated, it basically stopped. As if it was society communicating to you that the hard part's over, and you won't have to do that again until you attend a wedding in your mid-to-late 20s.

Let's think about this. As you know, I've mentioned how much I like slow dancing in the past, and even documented one of my slow dance experiences, so perhaps I'm a bit biased. But, regardless, I think this general lack of affinity for slow dancing comes from two key places. The first (as high school demonstrated so clearly) is that no one ever really teaches you how to slow dance. If you're lucky, you pick it up over time, or see someone who knows what they're doing (professional dancer, parents, family, etc.). And I honestly don't think people really do know how. Luckily, there's this nifty thing out there called the Internet.

I'm not sure if you've heard of it.

Thankfully, there are all kinds of great tutorials for how to properly slow dance online. This one from WikiHow is really great (and has pictures too). If that's not good enough, head over to YouTube. There's many good instructional videos (if not perhaps a bit under enthused), including this one and this one.

Taking into consideration the fact that often, we're not taught how to slow dance, coupled with the awkwardness and the embarrassing memories generally attached to slow dancing, perhaps it's understandable why a 20-something who's had a few drinks at a club doesn't want to necessarily start swaying (although they might by the time they're trying to go home). But that's not enough for me, I want to go deeper. I think it also connects to a topic I've blogged about before that is especially applicable/relevant to people younger than 35: the fear (and general avoidance) of intimacy. Slow dancing is incredibly intimate, especially if you do it right. Your faces touch, the music is sweet and romantic, you're very close together, you can almost feel the other person's chest moving up and down when the tip of your nose grazes past their cheek. Ya Allah! It's incredibly intimate. Yet, I don't think that's the kind of feeling most people either go out in search for, or want period. Maybe I'm conflating two unrelated things. But even though "grinding" has proximity and a hypersexual-nature, it's not necessarily intimate--and I would argue is often quite shallow. It's amazing to me how it's become so easy to ask someone to rub their ass on you, but asking a girl or guy to slow dance with you is tantamount to being asked to go to the moon without a space shuttle. It's both almost impossible AND undesirable. 

Thus, awkward memories, a lack of education, and a fear of intimacy may all play a part in why slow dancing is largely a lost--but not forgotten--art.

(Image via Gwendolyn McShepard/GPY Galleries)

And with all that said, I want to encourage you to slow dance. Even if it's not at a club or B018, or Sky Bar, or whatever, dance. Find someone who will appreciate it, appreciate you. Put some nice music on, light some candles, and spend the night swaying together. THAT is romance, and is easy to make.

Oh, you don't have good music? Not an excuse. Not anymore anyway. Go to 8Tracks (here's a great one), go to Last.fm, go to SoundCloud, go to TuneIn, go to iHeartRadio, go to GrooveShark, go to Pandora, go to Spotify, go to iTunes, go to Google Play, go to YouTube, go to MySpace even! Do a Google search! Here are some of my favorite songs that I recommend, a little old, a little new, some you'd expect, others you wouldn't. Many are in English, but some in other languages (including French, Spanish, Hindi, and Arabic) (in alphabetical order by artist):

Skyfall -- Adele
I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith
Nothing At All -- Alison Krauss
I Can Love You Like That -- All-4-One
I Swear -- All-4-One
Moon River -- Andy Williams
You Should Know Where I'm Coming From -- Banks
And I Love Her -- The Beatles
Forever -- Ben Harper
Walk Away -- Ben Harper
Comin' Home Baby Feat. Michael Bublé -- Boyz II Men
Whiskey Lullaby -- Brad Paisley & Alison Krauss
Forever -- Breaking Benjamin
Close To You -- The Carpenters
I Get Along Without You Very Well -- Chet Baker
What's New? -- Chris Botti
Let There Be Love Feat. Michael Bublé -- Chris Botti
Wicked Game -- Chris Isaak
I'll Never Smile Again -- The Chris McDonald Orchestra
Everything's Not Lost - Coldplay
Fix You - Coldplay
Colorblind -- The Counting Crows
Cannonball -- Damien Rice
Crash Into Me -- Dave Matthews' Band
Everybody Loves Somebody -- Dean Martin
A Lack Of Color -- Death Cab For Cutie
Thank You -- Dido
Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran
I'll Be -- Edwin McCain
Lets Call The Whole Thing Off -- Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
I Can't Help Falling In Love With You - Elvis
Aníron (Theme For Aragorn And Arwen) -- Enya (Composed by Howard Shore)
(Fun fact: Aníron means "I desire" in the constructed Elvish language of J. R. R. Tolkien's 6-book epic, The Lord of the Rings. However, the song only appears in the film trilogy, not in the books.)
Saajna (Unplugged) -- Falak Shabir
Murder By Mistletoe -- The Felice Brothers
Embraceable You -- Frank Sinatra
Fly Me To The Moon -- Frank Sinatra
If You Go Away -- Frank Sinatra
Witchcraft -- Frank Sinatra
Iris -- The Goo Goo Dolls
Name -- The Goo Goo Dolls
Tell That To My Heart (Amor Venme A Buscar) -- Il Divo
Without You (Desde El Dia Que Te Fuis Te) -- Il Divo
Echo -- Incubus
Angel -- Jack Johnson
You're Beautiful -- James Blunt
Fly Love (from the movie, Rio) -- Jamie Foxx
Billie Jean (Michael Jackson jazz cover) -- Jamie Lancaster & Karen Souza
A Beautiful Mess -- Jason Mraz
I'm Yours -- Jason Mraz
Say -- John Mayer
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room -- John Mayer
Si Volvieras A Mi -- Josh Groban
El Amor (La Tendresse) -- Julio Iglesias
Il Faut Toujours Un Perdant (Hey) -- Julio Iglesias
No Me Vuelvo A Enamorar (I Won't Fall In Love Again) -- Julio Iglesias
Por El Amor De Una Mujer -- Julio Iglesias
Crazy -- K-Ci & JoJo
All My Life -- K-Ci & JoJo
You And Me -- Lifehouse
Amazed -- Lonestar
She Will Be Loved -- Maroon 5
Shim El Yasmine -- Mashrou' Leila
Inni Mnih -- Mashrou' Leila
You Don't Know Me (the instrumental version is great too) -- Michael Bublé
Lost (International Pop Mix) -- Michael Bublé
You're Nobody 'Till Somebody Loves You -- Michael Bublé
Home -- Michael Bublé
Over And Over Again Feat. Tim McGraw -- Nelly
Don't Know Why -- Norah Jones
Come Away With Me -- Norah Jones
Turn Me On -- Norah Jones
When A Man Loves A Woman - Percy Sledge
Baby I Love Your Way - Peter Frampton
Half Light -- Porcupine Tree
Such Great Heights (Performed By Iron & Wine) - The Postal Service
Habbaitak Ana -- Ramy Ayach
It's Only Love That Gets You Through -- Sade
Truly, Madly, Deeply -- Savage Garden
Kiss From A Rose -- Seal
Chasing Cars -- Snow Patrol
Moondance -- Van Morrison
Here Without You -- 3 Doors Down
Love Song -- 311

If all else fails, just stick to Michael Bublé, Frank Sinatra, Norah Jones, and smooth jazz. You'll never go wrong with them.

What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree with my arguments? Think I'm forgetting something? Let me know what you think! Also, let me know your favorite slow songs. I'd be happy to add them to the list (it's definitely not an exhaustive one).

Spread the love (and slow dance some more),

-Ogie, MA

P.S. Get ready for an exciting announcement at the end of this week!

John Steinbeck on Falling in Love: A 1958 Letter to His Son

"If you are in love--that's a good thing--that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you...if it is right, it happens--the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away...the object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it."

Good morning LOVEanese! I'm off today, so it's the perfect time to blog. This one's going to be a quick one, I just wanted to share something I found on Brain Pickings about the noted American author, Pulitzer Prize winner, and Noble laureate, John Steinbeck (1902-1968). Best known for his novels, The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, and East of Eden, he also had much to say about love--and what beautiful words he weaved together too.

Just check out the 'stash too!

I just want to post a beautiful letter he wrote in response to his oldest son Thom's 1958 letter to him. As Brain Pickings author, Maria Popova, writes, "In the letter, Thom--a teenage boy--confesses to have fallen desperately in love with a girl named Susan while at boarding school. Steinbeck’s words of wisdom--tender, optimistic, timeless, infinitely sagacious--should be etched onto the heart and mind of every living, breathing human being."

So, what exactly did John Steinbeck say in reply? Here's a transcript of his response letter:

New York
November 10, 1958 

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point-of-view and, of course, Elaine will from hers. 

First--if you are in love--that's a good thing--that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second--there are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you--of kindness and consideration and respect--not only the social respect of manners, but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak, but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness, and even wisdom you didn't know you had. 

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply--of course it isn't puppy love. 

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it--and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it. 

If you love someone--there is no possible harm in saying so--only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another--but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it. 

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too, and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens--the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. 

Love,
Fa

Beautiful words indeed--although the one thing I will disagree with is that (at least in today's time), there can be consequences for professing your love as I have detailed here and here. But I do like how he describes the different types of love; how wise and true this is, even now! Times change, however, and although his words are timeless, inspiring, and beautiful, I only wonder what he would say now about love in the world or how he would respond to his child's quandary about love today in world saturated with a fear of intimacy, selfish love that he warned about, and the lessened importance and frequency of face-to-face communication (and the harms that follow, especially for teens). Perhaps the best thing we can do is learn from his wisdom, and take his words to heart.

In the meantime, no matter where you are in the world, have a happy Friday, and a good weekend!

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Why Are We So Afraid Of Intimacy?

I have a problem. A problem with us, with our generation.

Last night, a friend showed it to me, and I harmlessly posted it on LOVEanon's Facebook page. It garnered a lot of Likes, and even a share:

I didn't think much of it until this morning, after I'd had a weird dream critiquing this idea. I began thinking about it more, and every second spent analyzing that dream, the more I realized this isn't ok -- the misunderstanding of romance. The angrier I became, the more frustrated. The more I realized that it isn't right, it isn't right that our generation has done a complete "180" in terms of relationships. Words I used in my head to describe how I feel about this included: awful, disappointing, concerning, disgusting. What happened to us!? Why is it that, now, it's easier to sleep with someone than go on a date? Why is it that now, you're more likely to sleep with someone than go on a date? Why is it that our generation is facing the end of courtship? In the past, you took the time to get to know someone. You took the time to care, to love. It wasn't always just about me, me, me. It wasn't always just about sex, or instant self-gratification. Conquering another's trust or simply using them period, just to tick another mark into our collective black book of unfulfillment and emptiness.

What happened? What happened to us that made us so... selfish? So disregarding of others? So shallow? Why have we become emotionally impotent? Am I being harsh? Am I being judgmental? Am I just merely being unrealistically or ridiculously, foolishly nostalgic?

No.

I don't think so. Just as the title says, I think it's our problem. I think it's a very serious problem, I think that problem is that we are afraid of intimacy, and I'm not the only person who thinks this. We're afraid of getting close. We're afraid of trusting. We're afraid that we're just going to get hurt again, hurt -- that thing that we can't seem to shake. That terrible ghost that just keeps haunting us, hanging over our heads, never going away, just recycling in our lives, one person after another.

What is wrong with us? Do you feel it?

How many of you feel like this is strangely reflective of your experiences?

Surely it's a problem, a social problem at that. Hell, a world problem, a global problem. I saw it in Lebanon just as often as I see it in the United States. I see it with friends in Europe, in Australia. In fact, a March 2007 article in Time Magazine highlighted how, after a 12-week period, "fear of intimacy" was the second-most searched fear on Google. The only thing that beat it was flying, however, "fear of intimacy" beat out the fear of the dark, death, spiders, even God. Moreover, intimacy was second, but love was seventh, and "being alone" was tenth. Isn't it just a bit troubling that love in today's world has become something feared!? In an attempt to explain it, the author provides suggestions:

"Sifting through over 1,500 "fear of" searches in the last 12 weeks, there are two opposites that play out repeatedly: we're afraid of being isolated ("fear of being alone") almost as much as we are of making a connection ("fear of intimacy"). Maybe this disconnect is fueled by our "fear of rejection" or a "fear of losing a loved one," or "fear of being dumped." Or maybe we've succumbed to the overwhelming volume of sexual dysfunction spam that's driven our "fear of not performing." Or maybe the discrepancy between these two most common fears is the concern we have about discussing our weaknesses with others. As email, text, and instant messaging replace our face-to-face communication, perhaps it's become easier to disconnect. [Maybe] we're more comfortable talking with a non-judgmental search engine about our problems, or maybe we're simply afraid of what our fears reveal about ourselves..."

I think he's right about a lot of things. I sincerely think that when it comes to love, we have lost our direction. Whether it is because of conspicuous consumption, materialism, globalization, urbanization, hyper-individualism, technology and the breakdown of face-to-face communication and small social networks, economic disparity and wealth inequality, generational gaps/distance, or worse, because of personal torment: abuse, hurt, pain, cynicism, pessimism, disdain, and even hate, we as human race seem to have lost the will to love. But in losing this, we have also lost so much more including our connectivity, our empathy, and our compassion.

As someone who has spent time researching this, it's not difficult to figure out where this is coming from either. Without trying to get into feminist perspectives on sexuality and love, and without trying to critique the sexual revolution, I just want to point out that some take a more positive approach to the changing nature of intimacy. This includes British sociologist Anthony Giddens (1992) who purported there's been a "Transformation of Intimacy" that is intrinsically linked to modernity and the various revolutions -- industrial, urban, technological, sexual -- which are causing historic changes in the way our sexuality functions (and is separate from reproduction). He thinks it's a good thing for society, for freedom, and for women especially. However, what is really obvious isn't just the macro-social change, but the actors and the context in our lives: our family, our parents, our peers, our culture, the mass media, and our own experiences. These were the pillars that contextualized my thesis, but really, they establish the foundation for romantic relationship development among adolescents and young adults period.

So, why are we so afraid of intimacy? Simple: it comes down to fear.

Look at the following illustration (original link from TruthSeekerDaily). Does it resonate with you?

"To love is to be vulnerable" - C. S. Lewis. How applicable is this to your life?

When I conducted interviews for my thesis in 2011, parents/family, peers, personal experiences, the media, and culture were all mentioned either directly or indirectly as influencing the participant's perceptions of romantic love. For instance, both positive and negative experiences helped shape their perspective, whether it was learning through positive relational behavior of their parents, or through the negative behaviors or consequences that befell their parents such as a divorce, or the heartbreak of a friend or other family member. Moreover, the interviewees were aware of these consequences, and often communicated that they took conscious measures to protect themselves from the experiences of these individuals, especially their parents.

A connected recurring theme was an expression of insecurity or fear related to either losing someone they love or getting emotionally hurt. While there is much literature related to uncertainty and insecurity within a relationship (e.g., Afifi and Burgoon, 1998; Knobloch and Solomon, 2003, 2005), Polish sociologist/social theorist Zygmunt Bauman (2003, 2006, 2007) proposed a theoretical conceptualization for understanding the fear of emotional hurt. In his 2003 book Liquid Love, he discussed "Liquid Modernity," the current state of human society where there's a lack of permanent, lasting social bonds. Due to this "liquidity," individuals have frail social bonds, which, in turn, generates insecurity; through this insecurity, individuals face the conflicting paradox of desiring to tighten their social bonds, yet simultaneously keep them loose (Bauman, 2003). In a beautiful passage, Bauman (2003) articulates the importance of love in modern times:

"In every love, there are at least two beings, each of them the great unknown in the equations of the other. This is what makes love feel like a caprice of fate -- that eerie and mysterious future...to love means opening up to that fate, that most sublime of all human conditions, one in which fear blends with joy into an alloy that no longer allows its ingredients to separate. Opening up to that fate means...admission of freedom into being: that freedom which is embodied in the Other, the companion of love" (P. 7).

He also sheds light, however, on the idea that lasting human bonds/commitments have become "analogous to stocks people have to constantly manage, but can also [be] acquire[d], and let go of" (Bauman, 2003: 14). He continues by stating: "If you invest in a relationship, the profit you expect is first and foremost security [i.e., support and companionship]...but be warned: promises of commitment to the relationship, once it is entered, are "meaningless in the long-term" [because]...relationships are investments like any other, but would it ever occur to you to take an oath of loyalty to the stocks you just bought from the broker? To swear you'd remain...through thick and thin, for richer and poorer, "'till death do us part?"" (Bauman, 2003: 14).

His perspective includes the breakdown of permanent social bonds and the reinforcement of the idea that social -- in this case, romantic -- relationships are not necessarily meant to last forever or always lead to sustained happiness. Moreover, it leads to uncertainty and severe insecurity which permeates almost every aspect of our lives. Many of the participants in my thesis reflected this through their parents’ relationships as well as many of the romantic relationships experienced by their peers.

I think it's time for some comic relief.

Intense, right? Well, we're surrounded by negativity. Call me nostalgic or romantic, but I wish we could emphasize a model like this instead:

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night; to know the pain of too much tenderness; to be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips." -- Khalil Gibran, "On Love," The Prophet.

When did we forget this? Did we ever really know it?

I remember when I was in college, I was lonely, but it wasn't just me. It seemed like almost everyone was in the same boat. In addition to them being lonely, I felt surrounded by their hurt from the burn of past experiences and their perceptions. And even with the guise of masculinity or sarcasm, that pain never seemed to heal. So, caught in-between loneliness and the complacency of non–commitment coupled with rejection, I personally lost faith in myself, in part, because I didn't love who I was and I wanted something from someone else; some kind of "completion."

What happened there?

I didn't really love myself, and I lost the courage to try and date. I lost the courage to just ask someone, "Hey, would you like to get dinner Friday night?" Call me a romantic at best, old–fashioned at worst, but when study after study validates how, at least certain Western societies, have become a "hook-up culture" (e.g., Manning, Giordano, and Longmore, 2006), it makes me wonder what happened to dating culture. What ever happened to taking someone out because you were interested in getting to know them? Because they made you laugh? Or you always smiled when you were with them? Because they understood you, or can identify with you? Are we so hurt, we don't let anyone in? Are we so jaded by the lack of romantic commitment in our lives and the lives of others that it's simply not worth it? Whatever happened to respect, and wanting to be with someone for what you could potentially share with someone, and not what they could give you?

As a long-time fan of his, Thomas Merton, evoking John Donne, once wrote a book called No Man is an Island, discussing how we can never experience true love, unselfishly, until we first love ourselves (I covered it extensively in this blog post). I realize this is a two-way street. Maybe you tried, and they rejected you. Maybe you put a lot of effort in, only to be tossed aside for someone else. Maybe they wanted something you couldn't offer. Maybe emotional fulfillment, emotional (and physical) support, and self-love manifest as a complex game of chicken and the egg. The fact is, the equation for attraction is so complex and is determined by such an infinite number of factors; it is the most advanced equation that makes quantum physics seem pale in comparison. Add to that the fact that being single is hard. As I've discussed previously in my post on monogamy and jealousy, if the added value vs. cost of pairing up were lower, we wouldn't have evolved, both biologically as well as socio-culturally, to favor it so strongly. In other words, the grass is always greener, but when it comes to the benefits of being in a loving relationship, the science speaks loud and clear (especially if you're male).

Unfortunately, this is -- or at least seems to be -- the nature of human relationships. But, in the future, what can you do differently? How about ask if true sincerity exists? Exists in such a way to look past our desire for instant gratification? How about instead, we reinvent the "date," that little event where two individuals can negotiate their attraction and chemistry, and see if things would work out? Take some time, get to know someone better. Remember that vulnerability is a powerful and beautiful thing that can lead to happiness as well. For who they are, not what they can offer. Away from social media, instant messaging, texting, college parties, university classrooms, work... somewhere special, romantic, personal. Something where you can show emotional investment, not merely exchanging time and a meal for a later reward. Dating doesn't exist so you can get something in return, it exists to understand someone better. By no means am I trying to generalize or be presumptuous, nor am I unintentionally trying to reinforce outdated gender and sexual stereotypes. But, my challenge is to have the courage to do what I often did not do enough: take the time to love yourself, so that you can love someone else. Take the time to overcome reservation with commitment and your insecurities; believe in love, trust once again, and always strive for emotional fulfillment.

I know this is contentious, and that's usually something I try to avoid. But we can't avoid this anymore. I WANT to talk about it. And if you don't, you should. We can't go on not talking about it anymore. It's your problem, it's my problem, is our problem -- we can't keep sweeping it under the rug, and pretending like it isn't happening. Don't think these problems will just go away or be fixed by either a relationship or an engagement ring. And even if you don't want to talk to me or comment on this post, that's beyond fine. But talk to yourself, be honest with yourself. Talk to a friend, a counselor, someone. We can't keep compounding our emotional hurt and relationship fears/insecurities, and burying them. They are only going to lead to more unhappiness. I refuse to back down, I will be aggressive about this! Whether you're in Lebanon, Jordan, the UAE, Europe, Japan, America, wherever, we NEED to talk about this! So, whether you start with yourself, or work on loving yourself more, just do something! Stop hiding behind your fear if you are! Stop hiding behind serial monogamy if you are!

If you think you may be afraid of intimacy, it's ok, there's nothing you can't overcome. A counseling website offers this quick test/assessment to help you if you're interested, and I suggest also reading this article that I linked to above with an interview with a sexual therapist.

I want to conclude by re-posting the transcript of what I attempted to write on Facebook after I had my 4 wisdom teeth extracted last Friday (and edited for grammar). I don't really remember writing it, but I think I was just voicing my -- otherwise, diplomatic -- opinion about people who don't care about anyone other than themselves. It seems like I just wasn't afraid to speak my mind (in my opinion, quite a vindicating feeling):

"In lieu of the wisdom teeth surgery (which was a great success), I just want to candidly state my disdain for selfish assholes who really don't care about how their actions ultimately lead to greater insecurity in both themselves, but more importantly, their relationship partners -- and fuck up people. Just love each other because they are a gift, not because of your own personal insecurities. It's not fair. And it not right. Treat people how they deserve to be treated: with dignity and respect."

I sincerely think we have a problem, and we NEED to fix it. Do you think I'm being too harsh? Am I being presumptuous or judgmental? What DO YOU think? I'm eager to hear. In the meantime, listen to this impassioned plea for why intimacy isn't just important, but it is ingrained into humanity's existence -- both historically and currently:

Have courage, love yourself, do not fear intimacy, face your insecurities, and spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

Update: Please see the comments section below for some updates/clarification, and some great additional points by others.

P.S. This video may shed more light on why we're afraid of intimacy:

References:

Afifi, Walid A., and Judee K. Burgoon. 1998. ""We Never Talk About That:" A Comparison of Cross-sex Friendships and Dating Relationships on Uncertainty and Topic Avoidance." Personal Relationships, 5: 255-272.

Bauman, Zygmunt. 2007. Liquid Times: Living in an Age of Uncertainty. Cambridge, UK: Polity Press.

----. 2006. Liquid Fear. Cambridge, UK: Polity Press. 

----. 2003. Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds. Cambridge, UK: Polity Press.

Giddens, Anthony. 1992. The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love, and Eroticism in Modern Societies. Cambridge, UK: Polity Press.

Knobloch, Leanne K., and Denise Haunani Solomon. 2005. "Relational Uncertainty and  Relational Information Processing: Questions Without Answers?". Communication Research, 32(3): 349-388.

----. 2003. "Responses to Changes in Relational Uncertainty Within Dating Relationships:  Emotions and Communication Strategies." Communication Studies, 54(3): 282-305.

Manning, Wendy D., Peggy C. Giordano, and Monica A. Longmore. 2006. "Hooking Up: The Relationship Contexts of "Nonrelationship" Sex." Journal of Adolescent Research, 21(5): 459-483.

What's Love Got To Do With It? Actually, Quite A Lot

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I really want to apologize for my 7-week+ hiatus/leave of absence, but I was incredibly busy. With what you ask? Well... I can assure you, I've been hard at work, and a LOT has happened over the past month and a half!

Now, remember how I've said I'm almost done with my thesis pretty much since January? Well... guess what? I FINALLY FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

 

How I feel

On May 18, 2012, I successfully defended my thesis (and passed of course!), and then I submitted to the library on May 22. So, what does this mean now? Well, first, I'm officially Michael Oghia, MA, and I will be an AUB graduate come June 22. Second, I want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other week, but preferably once a week. Third, and most excitedly, it means I get to share with you my results!

In all of its thesisie glory

Before I share my results, I just want to first talk a bit about the context of this research. First of all, some stats:

-- My thesis is divided into 6 chapters: the introduction, which includes the purpose and significance, the theoretical framework, the literature review, the methodology, the results, and the discussion and conclusion.

-- I posed 6 research questions.

-- It is 163 pages in total, with 116 in just text alone not including references, appendixes, etc. It's even longer in the library version due to formatting.

-- There are 44,201 words, 246,097 characters without spaces, 290,225 characters including spaces, 1,180 paragraphs, and 4,273 lines.

-- Also, there were 4 sentences per paragraph, 16.3 words per sentence, and 5.3 characters per word. Concerning readability, it scored a 35.7 on the Flesch Reading Ease scale, and a 11.8 on the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level scale.  

-- Of those 44,201 words, love is mentioned 847 times, romance is mentioned 431 times, and relationship is mentioned 367 times.

My thesis word cloud (courtesy of tagxedo.com)

Also related to the context, I want to begin by answering a question that almost everyone has asked me: what inspired this, and why exactly am I studying love?

Quite simply, it was my mom! In 2008, I was with my mom on a vacation to see my family in Los Angeles, California, when she told me about a particular ex-boyfriend. She revealed to me how they were deeply in love, but my grandparents would not allow them to be together, ironically not because of the commonly-cited religious or sectarian reasons, but because he was not from the appropriate social and financial background (I would be happy to expand this story in its full form in another post if you would like to read it). I kept this personal anecdote in mind when I came to the American University of Beirut (AUB), and when I began to conceive this as a possible thesis topic, I wondered how relationship formation occurs now--over 40 years later--and I wanted explore how love is perceived by a younger generation.

Love you mom!

Per my abstract (and now into the technical stuff which I cover in the introduction (chapter 1)), I quickly discovered that romantic love is a topic largely absent from the social scientific inquiry in the Arab world. Although it has deep historical, literary, and artistic roots in the region, many scholars have traditionally reduced romantic relationship formation down to family-facilitated arrangements. However, increasing amounts of new, globalized discourses saturate the region, providing alternatives to the socially prescribed and sanctioned avenues of romantic love and relationships that may challenge the pre-existing romantic discourses, and influence the lived realities of individuals. Thus, the purpose of this study was to explore how a sample of unmarried Arab youth form and maintain romantic relationships, specifically focusing on how they define, experience, and identity romantic love, the value they ascribe to it, and what influences their perception of love.

What I would like to do now is give an overview of the chapters leading up to the results (this is the presentation I gave at my defense, so if you couldn't make it, you aren't missing anything!). Let's start with chapter 2.

Chapter 2 outlines the theoretical framework. I took an inductive approach in this study, grounding the conceptual framework in the results, which includes how romantic love is defined and conceptualized. To do this, I utilized Blumer’s symbolic interactionism, Bandura’s social learning theory, and social constructionism to not assume an a priori conceptualization of romantic love, and to illustrate the subjective nature of how meaning of romantic love is made. I also demonstrate that the way love is conceptualized interacts with Foucault’s notion of discourse to reflect power structures that govern social relationships, define what narratives are socially acceptable, and reinforce Bourdieu’s concept of habitus. Finally, I employ globalization theory (Wiki) and detraditionalization theory (Wiki) to discuss how certain phenomena linked to modernity provide outlets for alternate, external romantic narratives that directly challenge the existing discourse of romantic love and relationships.

Chapter 3 reflects themes I talked about in this post about growing up in two cultures and its effect on relationship development. Basically, I review existing literature related to dating, relationship formation, and love in the Arab world, and also outline 5 key areas of adolescent and young adult romantic relationship formation: culture, family, peer networks, experiences, and the mass media. In the family subsection, I detail how the Arab family is paramount to accessing and securing what Bourdieu calls social capital. Contextualizing this, I argue that, due to the weak Lebanese state institution, individuals rely on family and kinship networks for resource acquisition and security, but in turn, the family employs powerful mechanisms of control such as patriarchy and the honor/shame system that regulate and govern behavior. This occurs due to the potentially dire consequences of disrupting these networks on the entire family, which is exactly what love can do, particularly if an individual’s actions--such as being in love with someone that does not merit familial or social approval--are perceived to endanger the family’s ability to access social capital, or do not reinforce solidarity that is necessary for social, economic, and political survival. Moreover, I review how three pertinent changes to the Lebanese family including living in a post-civil war society, the decline of the extended family, and the generational gap are challenging the established practices and perceptions of romantic relationship formation.

Cute animal reading break time! (I thought this was appropriate).
Also, do any of you feel like you can identify with what I discuss above?

Chapter 4 covered the methodology. Basically, I used both quantitative (survey) and qualitative methods (interviews) to gather data, and I conducted interviews with 22 students, and distributed questionnaires to 193 AUB students (I can expand this to you personally if you would like, but I don't want to bore you with more technical stuff).

NOW, the part you've all been waiting so long for!

The results included a personal, highly subjective nature to the individual’s definitions and perceptions of love, and that love is important to life and the participants ascribed a high value to love. The majority also considers being in love with someone a requirement for a successful relationship, and they rank being in love as an important factor in choosing a romantic partner. They also indicated that objectifying the concepts of both romance and love is problematic. These definitions are intrinsically connected to their experiences with romantic love and relationships, and each of the interviewees inherently associated love with marriage. The interviewees also frequently connected love to Western cultural conceptions, such as individualism, that they indicated clash with or challenge other cultural conceptions such as honor, shame, familial collectivity, and traditionalism. It was also indicated that love is a luxury, linked to social class, yet also saturated with contradictions by society and the family by, for instance, being emphasized and portrayed but not expected or practiced in reality.

Additionally, the participants indicated they want more freedom and autonomy when choosing a romantic partner, particularly from their family, but most do desire parental approval. They also often disagreed with their parents regarding what they consider to be important in a potential romantic partner. Related to this, when considering their future children, many of the interviewees responded that they will not teach their children directly about love, but will show them what romantic love is through setting an example with their spouse, by teaching them about familial love, or simply letting them experience it themselves. Moreover, they also would actively pursue a relationship with someone from outside of their religious sect. Also, culture, family, peers, experiences, and the mass media were all indicated as having a particular influence on the way they perceive love, reinforcing the notion that love is culturally defined and socially governed. Lastly, evidence was given to reinforce the existence of a generational gap and the declining influence of the extended family.

Some of the most interesting results included:

-- All 22 of the interviewees mentioned marriage, connected love with marriage, or mentioned love within the context of marriage even without being prompted to do so.

-- The characteristics of "someone who is fun to be with," "someone who is intelligent," and "being in love" were collectively ranked as the highest qualities that the questionnaire participants sought in a potential romantic partner, and "similar political ideas," "someone who is rich," and "extended family approval" ranked the lowest. Also, there were no notable differences between genders, nor where there any notable differences between relationship statuses and between individuals who had reported that they had experienced love, those that had not, and those who did not know.

-- The majority of both the interviewees and the survey participants reported extensive experience with romantic relationships, and their familiarity with love often originates from these relationships. Furthermore, they often informed peers and family members--such as parents, siblings, and cousins--that they were dating or in a relationship. However, the female interviewees were explicit about not informing brothers and fathers, while they do inform their mothers, sisters, and peers. Moreover, although their experience with dating as a whole was varied, many of the interviewees indicated that the rules of dating were unclear, though certain rules were universally known such as not displaying excessive public affection. 

-- Related to the post about the Five Love Languages, the interviewees were explicit about how they identify and express love. They often identified it through strong emotional feelings, wanting to sacrifice for another person, and attachment. The majority of survey participants also reported that strong emotional feelings were indicative of identifying love. The interviewees communicated that they express romantic love through physical touch and affection, verbal and written affirmation, and through action, service, and gifting. However, the majority of the survey participants reported that they express love through meaningful quality time spent with a romantic partner.

-- Almost all of the interviewees adamantly agreed that they would date someone from outside of their religious sect, and the majority of the survey respondents (134, 70%) also agreed or strongly agreed they would still pursue a relationship with someone outside of their sect if they were in love with that person, with 32 (17%) either disagreeing or strongly disagreeing, and 27 (14%) chose neutral.

Geagea: "Oh no! It looks like the youth don't want to date within their sects as much! 
How do we keep them under control!?"

Aoun: "Aye carumba! Don't tell Nabih!"

I conclude my study by situating the results within the existing literature, proposing prospects for future research, and reiterating the limitations, for instance, that the results are neither representative nor generalizable to Lebanese or Arab youth as a whole, and that AUB students are not representative of Beirut or Lebanon, much less the entire Arab world. I close my thesis by quoting the song Fasateen by the Lebanese folk-alternative rock band Mashrou' Leila, which illustrates a common narrative among Lebanese young adults who are caught in-between familial, social, and cultural pressures and personal choice.

So, in the future, if anyone wants to know what does love got to do with it, the answer for now can be that, indeed, it  has much to do with it.

I just want to say thank you so much to each of you who helped, supported, strengthened, and encouraged me throughout these one and a half years (crazy, right?). I cannot express to you the appreciation and heart-felt gratitude I feel, especially to my friends and family. I really could not have done this without all of your relentless support.

I'm looking forward to your comments and questions!

And of course, if you want to read my whole thesis, check it out here.

As always, spread the love (not burning tires),

-Ogie (MA)

P.S. Just to let you know, LOVEanon has almost 11,000 page views and more than 200 likes on the LOVEanon Facebook Page! Exciting!