Dating in the 21st Century, Pt. 3: The "Rules of Dating" and Some Date Ideas

Marhaba LOVEanese! As I promised, I want to present to you the third and final installment of the Dating in the 21st Century series (you can read the first part here where I talk about the "end of courtship," and the second part here where I discuss exactly what a date actually is). In this part, I want to do two things:

1. Present some findings from my thesis about the "rules of dating" in Lebanon from the perspective of my interviewees. They were very insightful, and I think many people will be able to identify with their responses (regardless if you're in Lebanon, the larger Arab world and Middle East, India and South Asia, or other places). 

2. Give some suggestions for where to go on dates in Lebanon and in Louisville. I covered it a bit in my last post, but I just want to put the information out there in case you're looking for good places.

Before I get into this, however, there is some news to share and there's numerous links that I first want to highlight. First and foremost, some really exciting news, my MA thesis was published on ProQuest! You can find it here. Now, if anyone wants to find it through their university libraries or through Google Scholar, you can. It's also available through the AUB Scholar Works. So, it's definitely good news. If you cannot access it, I am always willing to provide you with a copy. You can get one here. 

For the links I wanted to share, separate from this topic, this article is a really cool analysis of love as an emotion. I really suggest you read it!

Another is related to love in India. It's called the "Indian Business of Love," and although it's not a very thorough article, it's nice that it's being incorporated into the public discourse.

In Lebanon, a recent phenomenon that's taken Facebook by storm are the pages for AUB, LAU, and USJ Crushes. A few days ago, it was featured in a Daily Star article. Although it's an interesting twist on discussing attraction and relationships. it's also really sad that people have to resort to anonymously telling their crushes via Facebook that they like them. Is it because they can't talk to them for social or religious reasons (like outside of my sect)? Or are they just cowardly? What does it really accomplish, does it make a difference? I think a lot of people have much emotion built up, but don't feel they can ever actualize it. Perhaps I'm approaching this from a different angle. For me, I'm already well-informed of how difficult dating can be for the average Lebanese person, in part because of the multiple barriers and conditions for it. So, I look at things like this and think it's just another way for people to voice their frustrations, but never really take action about it. I get frustrated by the lack of power youth have when it comes to relationships. I just see this as further exacerbating the overarching problem of inaction. What do you think? I'd love your thoughts, so please share them below.

Apparently this is half of Hamra

Some additional links I wanted to point out related to dating are the following:

1. A Million First Dates - How online dating is challenging monogamy and the entire dating/courtship model, in part, by providing unlimited access to new, potential partners.

2. Ten Things You Didn't Know About Single Americans - Interesting research out of the US about singles. 

3. Want Love? Don't Date - A blog post all about being friends first and then moving into a relationship (not always easy, however).

4. How Technology Has Changed Romance - Great quote that sums up the article, "In the digital age, technology isn't killing courtship. But for many young couples, it's redefining what romance looks like."

5. The End of Dating? - A Huffington Post Live discussion.

6. Why It's Really Possible to Fall in Love Online - It's about the dynamics behind online communication and why romance can easily be fostered through computer-mediated communication.

7. The Search Engine of Love: How Long Do You Need to Spot True Love? - Another article about love and technology, and about how technology is helping us make up our minds faster about whether or not we're attracted to someone--but it's not always a good thing.

8. Women in their 20's Shouldn't Feel Bad For Wanting a Boyfriend - Exactly what it sounds like. I'm actually fairly tired of these articles because it should actually read, "White, American, Urban, Middle/Upper-Middle-Class Educated Women in their 20s." Is it really applicable to others? Even if it is, their examples are always specific to these individuals. Demographics aren't often taken into account when generalizations they make are made. But, I will say that as things continue to change in the Middle East, I think this will become increasingly more pertinent.

OK! Getting to what I really want to talk about... let's start out with the rules of dating. I'm focusing specifically here on rules of dating in Lebanon. Honestly, I don't have a formula for what the rules of dating are, especially a broad construction. Quite simply, these rules vary from culture-to-culture and society-to-society. However, in the case of my thesis and building on Farhood’s (2009) work, I explored what the rules of dating in Lebanon are, and if the rules are clear to the interviewees. Reinforcing the subjectivity of these "rules," many of them focused on the process of entering a relationship while others focused on the norms and conditions governing romantic relationships and dating.

Regarding the clarity of the rules of dating, seven of the interviewees responded they are clear, but each of them had different perceptions of what those rules are. For instance, Michel--a 19 year-old junior--expressed, "Oh wow, it's complicated, annoying, superficial--it's just sad really. Definitely no sex!" For him, the rules are clear, "but [they] aren't explained. They just happen, and you pick up on them; learn them indirectly." May--a 19 year-old sophomore--was not sure if she could explain the rules. Instead, she emphasized how the rules of dating are subjective, but there are some expectations such as dating among certain families, and within faith and sect--which are often contradictory. "[My grandparents] expect me to date within the same sect, [but] my mom, however, is more open-minded." Additionally, Shireen--a 20-year old junior--emphasized the difference between geographic locations and places: 

"It's very different between Syria, Lebanon, and AUB. In Syria, it really depends on your social/family's background and class. Also, on your parents and what schools you attend. In Lebanon, I am very free. There's no family friends or connections. In AUB, it's whatever; it's open."

Tamara--a 21-year old junior--and Tarek--a 24-year old senior--reflected this as well. Like Shireen, the rules were not clear to Tamara either, but she insisted: 

"[It] depends on where you're from. Living in Beirut, for instance, it's easier. The farther you go, the more conservative it is. So, it's different. Beirut is more liberal. Tripoli, for instance, is more conservative, so dating is more unlikely than being engaged or married."

Tarek replied the rules are clear "to a certain extent, but are hard to describe," according to him: 

"AUB is not a good sample of Lebanon or the Arab world. It's not constrained by many rules. It's hard to pinpoint them, but we know where to draw the line on certain behavior. Rules equal norms. I know I'm staying within the rules because of other people's reactions."

When asked about the rules of dating, Tanya--a 19-year old junior--quickly replied, "In terms of what? Arabs have such a different way of viewing relationships, one that's different from the West's, different from how they are." She highlighted how "society doesn't expect the couple to be too "lovey-dovey," especially in public. There are a lot of underlying rules." However, when it comes to the rules she follows, "There aren't many from our society to obey, maybe just not PDA. But otherwise, there's nothing else I feel I have to do or follow. I don’t owe society more than that."

Three others also specified the rules are clear to them because they create their own. Lama--an 18-year old freshman--explained how, while the rules were clear to her and not necessarily to other people, "My own rules supersede social rules." Shireen also reflected this, stating, "Many of the rules are culturally inflicted. But I make my own rules. I get them from society, but I observe myself, other people, and my own relationships." Zayna--a 20-year old senior--also makes her own rules, and contrasts them to society's rules and the established processes of dating. These rules include, "They take my BlackBerry PIN, talk on Facebook, go out with a group of friends a few times, then you ease your way in." But her rules are "meet someone, be attracted to them, and connect with them."

Like Zayna, Sara--a 25-year old senior--mentioned similar things about the established process of dating and courtship. "I don’t really have [rules], but there are social rules. There’s a social "game." For instance, you have to go for someone, but you can't make it obvious." Although she confessed her and her fiancé make fun of the rules, she does "respect the basic structural rules like no abuse or disrespect. My interpretation [of the rules] is different, and the basic rules are unclear."

Joanne--a 19–year old sophomore--was open about explaining the contradictions that come with the dating process. While she indicated it "begins in the "typical Western model" where the girl likes the guy," being from good social stature, the same sect, being able to support a girl, having a future, and not just being physically attracted is important according to society. In her perspective, the rules are clear on the social level because "there are set rules. There are boundaries you shouldn't cross, like no sex before marriage and don't do anything to tarnish your reputation." Moreover, she was quick to affirm causal relationships are not common in Lebanon, but only serious relationships. "Even if you are thinking of getting married or aren't going to get married, [they] still need certain prerequisites, certain criteria/features, and they need to fit a certain mold. It shows they are serious." She continued, expressing, "Attracting the other sex is an entirely different game, and there are many other rules for that."

All of the other interviewees did not think the rules were clear, but they were ambiguous and confusing. Five of the interviewees stressed the subjective nature of the rules of dating. When Tamara was asked if the rules are clear, for instance, she replied, "No of course not. If they were, I'd be getting guys left and right. The rules are subjective to the people." Moreover, for Raja--a 22-year old graduate--the rules are not clear because they are "very diverse, subjective, and there's no standard criteria." Additionally, according to Mohammad--a 19-year old sophomore, "There are no rules of dating. It's different depending on the person's religion." Expanding Mohammad's perspective, Najwa--a 21-year old senior--replied:

"It's different. [The rules] depends on their demographics: class, location, sect. My parents are different than the rest of the culture, and most AUB students are as well. These rules aren't clear to me, but they aren't clear to anyone. There are never set rules for something like dating. Everyone pretends it's known, but really, it isn't."

Noura--a 20-year old senior--felt a similar way. "Whose rules? Every relationship has different rules. You make them. I don't believe there are rules for a relationship. There's right and wrong, the way we perceive those is different from person–to–person though." She did express there are certain social rules everyone generally follows, such as no PDA (public displays of affection), and it "depends on the environment you live in."

Furthermore, some interviewees--both male and female--commented on the gender differences for the rules of dating. In Najwa's opinion, "There is a big discrepancy in the rules between men and women." Munira--a 19-year old sophomore--elaborated, "Guys expect girls to be weak and need protection. Girls look for a protector, not a partner," but affirmed she neither does this, nor approves of it. Maya--an 18-year old sophomore--also discussed the gender difference and her perceived mistake in courting a man. "What do you mean "rules?" You meet someone through classes or friends. Girls expect guys to make the first moves." She then explained how a male friend recently hurt her feelings by rejecting her because she had courted him. "If I had behaved more appropriately, I wouldn't have had my heart broken." 

Moreover, Rana--a 21-year old senior--and Rami--a 23–year old graduate--had much to say about how rules affect individuals and where they learn these rules. Dating, according to Rami, "is a long, dedicated process." He indicated: 

"You have to be in it for the long haul. It also means you're courting one person. [For me, it's a] combination of Western and traditional Lebanese models. [Rules] must be affected though by pop culture like movies and TV, and what my parents expect and how my friends perceive things."

Rana expressed many sentiments about the rules of dating as well, reflecting how different individuals and groups affect the norms that govern dating:

"My friend was trying to write an article here at AUB on the dating rules titled "Ten Rules for Dating in Lebanon." She enlisted my help, but we just couldn't do it. We didn't know what to say. There's no solid approach, very different among so many things like communities, personalities, groups. [It's] very subjective, and differs from person-to-person. It's confusing for everyone in Lebanon. It depends if parents dictate something. [If they do,] you respect them and you have to follow what they say. But at the same time, you want space for your own personality, to do your own thing. Confusion comes from what you have to be for yourself, your parents, and your community/society. These each operate by different sets of rules, so there's a clash of interests and thoughts, which makes dating confusing. You have to ask: "what do I feel?" "what do they feel?" and "what does he feel?""

When considering whom the interviews discuss the rules of dating with, they indicated their parents and their friends. Almost all of the interviewees responded they would or do talk to their friends about the rules of dating. "Of course [I talk about them] with friends. It's a very common topic, especially when there's nothing to talk about," replied Shireen. Many also look to these individuals to give advice. For instance, Tamara reinforced that friends offer advice, opinions, and feedback. Raja also turns to his friends, but mostly "to get their opinions and perspectives."

Joanne was quick to point out the differences between talking with friends and parents. "Two different sets of rules [exist] between parents and friends," she said. "With my friends, I can be open, be myself, say what I want, and be more honest. With my parents, I have to say what they want to hear. I have to be more conforming, at least in my words."

The amount of the interviewees who talk about the rules of dating with their parents is more evenly split. Some of them responded they had talked and learned about the rules of dating directly from their parents. Others indicated their parents had talked with them about it indirectly, but casually learn the rules of dating from society and their own experiences instead. For Maya--an 18-year old sophomore--she does not talk about it with her mother, but her mom still imparts certain rules upon her. Maya's mother told her, "If you want to be with someone, be serious and think long-term." According to Maya, her mother also conditioned her with expectations such as a potential boyfriend should be Syrian, from the same religion, and from the same background. "I can’t date to have fun, which is what many at AUB do," replied Maya. On the other hand, Hassan--a 19-year old junior--does not talk about dating with his mother, but prefers his cousin instead. "Mom has never given me the relationship talk. I talk about relationships with my cousin. I learn from her. Most of my knowledge comes from how she’s conducted her relationships."

Many of the individuals who did not talk about the rules of dating with their parents indicated it was because there was a generational gap or because they were "old-fashioned." "I never, ever talk about it with my parents. They are old-fashioned," replied Munira. Rami was quick to point out that his parents are not necessarily "old–fashioned" or closed-minded, but there is a generational gap between them and their parents. And according to him, "I'm caught in-between my parents and grandparents." Zayna and Michel, however, indicated there was a clear generational gap between them and their parents specifically. In Zayna’s words, although she doesn't talk to her parents about the rules of dating, "I could, but their input isn't valuable because of the generational gap. They wouldn't connect with me, but I know they are still there for me." Michel was less optimistic, however. For him:  

"I don't talk about dating with my parents because there's a generation gap. Not much has changed about the perspectives of dating here. There's still blind dates and arranged marriages. Tension exists between how dating should happen, and the differences between us."

Overall, there was little consensus as to what the rules were in general--as they identified different communities, families, and social environments teach different rules--however, some broad understanding does exist. For instance, dating is not the same as being in a relationship, gender roles within dating are clearly established--dictating a man is expected to pursue a woman--and many think it is prudent to avoid places where they could come across individuals their family knows. Moreover, behavior or actions such as abuse, disrespect, hurtful treatment excessive public displays of affection (PDA), and sex before marriage were collectively considered inappropriate as mandated by both the overarching social environment and their cultural backgrounds. Many of them also collectively identified differences between certain social environments--particularly that of Lebanon versus AUB--indicating Beirut was a more liberal and open-minded place, and AUB was a safe zone, free from the watchful eyes of family and members of their respective communities. As this indicates, the participants select whom they tell about their relationships and discuss dating with, and control the information about their personal lives that is publicly disclosed.

I know that was a lot to read, so here's some cute bunnies kissing.

So, what do you think? Can you identify with their sentiments? What about if you aren't in Beirut, Lebanon, or the Middle East? Do you relate?

Well, in case you can, especially if you're in Lebanon or my hometown of Louisville, I want to suggest some things to do/places to go if you 1. believe in dating, 2. understand what a date is, and 3. have navigated the rules of dating enough to have a fairly solid idea of what to do. I'm not in a position to coach anyone on how to go on a date or what to do exactly (just treat each other nicely and respectfully, be genuinely interested in the other person, ask good questions, and above all, have fun!). Additionally, I've blogged about fun date ideas in the past, and there's some good links with ideas, one from Thought Catalog, and another from this site. Additionally, this site has a list of 365 ideas to take from. Check them out!

For Louisville and Lebanon, here's some ideas:

Louisville: There's all kinds of things to do with someone ranging from restaurants and bars to local farms, bourbon distilleries, horse races, and park picnics.

First of all, let's start with restaurants. In case you aren't familiar with Louisville Originals, check out the website. It's a group of locally owned restaurants, and all of the locations are great (especially Bristol and Uptown Cafe on Bardstown Rd. and Baxter Avenue Station).

You can check out their numbers here:

There's so many other restaurants though! Come Back Inn is one of my favorites, as is Amicí, Old Spaghetti Factory, and Toast. Not to mention Ermins, Hammerheads, Proof, Smoketown USA (if they're into BBQ, it's some of the best in Louisville), Sergios, Four Pegs, Grape Leaf, Highland Morning, Eiderdown, Saffrons, Ramzi's, Molly Malones, and Havana Rumba. The list is practically endless! Just go exploring in St. Matthews, Frankfort Avenue, Bardstown Rd./Baxter Ave., Old Louisville, or Downtown. In downtown, for instance, There's plenty to see: NuLu, the Belvedere, Waterfront Park, Glassworks (you can watch glass being made), the Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts (take them to a play/musical/show!).

I also suggest thinking of all the museums in Louisville, like those on Museum Row on Main (Science Center, Slugger Museum, Muhammad Ali Center, etc.). Also, here's a list of all the museums in Louisville.

And for the arts fans, aside from the aforementioned, there's the Speed Art Museum (after it's remolded), and the Thrust Theater/the Playhouse, all at UofL. UofL's music schools puts on free shows and concerts all the time, and the Theater Arts department makes their ticket prices incredibly reasonable (and all proceeds support the show, arts, and the department).

If you're into sports, just go to a UofL sports game or to a Bats baseball game at Slugger Field.

Another idea is to visit one of Louisville numerous beautiful parks. Have a picnic, go biking, walk your dogs! 

Across the river, you can check out Schimpffs Candy Confectionery, one of the oldest businesses in the U.S. Then head to Huber's farm, restaurant, and winery (especially in the fall).

If you're 21+, take a weekend and go explore the Bourbon Trail. It's awesome, and only a short distance from Louisville. Additionally, you can go to Churchill Downs (Downs After Dark anyone?).

I think you get it, there's plenty to do. And I'm sure I've missed a lot (e.g., Derby, Thunder, etc.). Feel free to add you own date ideas Louisvillians!

P.S. Go Cards!

Lebanon: If you're in Lebanon, you're going to find coming up with fun date ideas is a bit trickier. There's a lot of restaurants in Beirut and throughout the country (here's a listing for some), many more than I know about. Of course, there's the basics (bars in Hamra, Monot, Gemmayze, and Mar Mikhail in Beirut (a listing here)), and the various beach clubs (you can find a listing here). Aside from the other basics (skiing/snowball fights in Faraya, day trips to Tyre, Byblos, Sidon, Baalbek, B'charre, Beiteddine, Nabatiye, etc.), there are a few things I can recommend. One is to visit the Vinefest when it comes around the fall.

Along that idea, check out the various wineries (like Ksara, Kefraya, Batroun Mountains, etc.) to see if they can schedule a tour. One of the ones I really like that I highly recommend, though, is Chateau Belle Vue. They have a beautiful restaurant with fireplaces, and will give personal tours. All you have to do is call ahead and make an appointment/reservation.

Just get in the car, and drive around. Explore the beauty that is Lebanon!

If you want more suggestions, just send me a message or leave a comment, and I'll try to come up with more. Just try, and be creative.

I know it's been a longer-than-usual post, but I hope it resonates with you. I'm looking forward to comments you have, and as this is the last of the series, I hope it gives you a bit more direction vis-a-vis dating, and that you find these suggestions helpful. Just remember too that you should be getting to know the person and having fun!

Let me know how it goes, and good luck!

Spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

References:

Farhood, Diana N. 2009. Family, Culture, and Decisions: A Look Into the Experiences of  University Students in Lebanon. Unpublished master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

Abu Rami

"Sometimes the truth can set you free."

Saba7o LOVEanese! First of all, if you're just tuning into the blog, keep in touch on the LOVEanon Facebook Page, or through Twitter.

This is another quick post for you, again about a short film that was done by my friend Sabah Haider called Abu Rami (IMDb). As with a previous post I've written about her film Beirut, My Heart, I want to tell you a little about it because it addresses realities within Lebanese and Arab marriages/relationships. Yet, she also does such a wonderful job at capturing the soul of both Lebanon and the issues at hand.

She's SUCH a teta!

It centers around a woman named Mona who, after preparing a delicious post of wara' enab (stuffed grape leaves), gets stuck in a broken-down car on the way to have lunch at her son's house with her husband, Abu Rami (meaning the father of Rami). Things turn sour quickly, and as the film's synopsis indicates:

"65-year-old Mona is frustrated by her miserable taxi-driver husband Abu Rami and is plagued with doubts about his fidelity. As they drive across Lebanon to visit their son, the old car breaks down and the old couple is stranded. Tensions rise and Mona confronts Abu Rami with her suspicions. Overcome by guilt he confesses to living a double life she doesn’t expect. Devastated, Mona leaves him, but not before shattering his world with a secret of her own."

Additionally, you can watch the trailer below:

Unfortunately, the film is not available online for public viewing (yet). However, it is being screened at a number of locations over the next few weeks in Europe. They are:

April 3-11 - Rome, Italy (Rome Independent Film Festival).

April 15 - Paris, France (Semaine Arabe at the 21h15 at Ecole Normale Supérieure (Salle Dussane), 45 Rue d'Ulm, 75005, Paris.

April 19-28 - Belgium (Open Doek Festival, Mooov 2013).

Hopefully, it will be screened in Lebanon and in the U.A.E. again sometime this year. I'll keep you updated. Be on the lookout too for the third installment of Dating in the 21st Century coming to you soon!

Until then, spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Dating in the 21st Century, Pt. 2: What's a "Date?"

Saba7o and namaste LOVEanese! I hope the weekend has been well! I'm really excited to bring this much-anticipated post to you. I feel like I've been building up hype for it for a while now. In case you're just tuning into LOVEanon, you can read my previous post here, and keep up with the blog through the LOVEanon Facebook Page. India's also getting better and better for me, and I figured as much. So, I'm really excited to see what life has in store!

For those who need a refresher about the topic, a few weeks ago I wrote part one of this post about how the process courtship is changing (at least in some places), and wanted to know your opinion about it. I didn't receive as much feedback as I had hoped for, but I did get a lot of people telling me they were interested in the content of the second post I promised about this subject (this one!). I did, however, see some responses online to the articles I posted. A really good one is this one in the Guardian. I really suggest you check it out.

Now, for this post, I want to really have fun with it. I've been outlining it for a while, and it will include a lot of different things. First of all, I want to discuss why we date at all, then get into a definition of what a date is--that is, what constitutes a "date"--since this seems to be such an ambiguous topic, it's good to have at least a working concept to use as a foundation. I also want to give examples of many types of dates using my own dating history, full of romantic, memorable, awkward, and downright fun stories.

 

Luckily, they didn't involve any of this.

Why We Date

So, let's dive right in. Dating definitely isn't a new topic to this blog. Aside from part one of this post, I've blogged about dating many times before, including discussing where you can meet a potential partner, covering online dating (and it's pros and cons), offering some fun date ideas (one of my very first posts), but also about how I think people are afraid of intimacy (and  use "redefining" dating or courtship or being "progressive" and "modern" as a cop-out to avoid getting close to someone). Dating is also not a foreign concept to most people--at least those who have the luxury of dating. However, as part one of this post demonstrated, dating and the entire courtship process are becoming more complicated and convoluted. Does anyone even know anymore what dating is supposed to be?? And if so, what's the appropriate culture context to apply? Should you be sensitive to your own social norms, values, and expectations? Or try to adopt new ones, perhaps from a different culture? These are questions many of us face, not to mention the more obvious ones such as "what exactly IS a date these days?" Before I get into this, let's examine dating as a process. First, let Louis C.K. prime the discussions with his funny but thought-provoking comments on dating:

Have you ever really thought about why we date? I mean, really thought about it? Perhaps the most obvious answer is "to find someone we want to spend time with," or "our life with," or "someone to marry." Or dating is a way to filter all of the choices available to us. Either way, the commonality here is the search. Why do we search? Because we are encouraged from day-one to pair up. It's inherently socially constructed, but the larger tendency to bond together is practically human nature--we're social creatures, it makes sense. If you recall, I actually wrote a post a while ago about why we love. Socially speaking, I think many of the reasons for why we love is the same reason for why we date. And if you need a refresher, just remember Maslow's Hierarchy. As you see and based on his theory, our physiological needs are at the foundation of human motivation. Thus, pairing up makes sense in terms of securing economic capital and the resources we need for (basic) survival. Only after this point of securing these resources can we move on to higher things like love, self-actualization, and other things. As I said previously, this could be a reason why love is deemphasized in places like Lebanon where there is much insecurity concerning money, resources, ability to advance, gain access to good education, etc. It's not that love doesn't matter, it's just not the first priority for many. Which is why some of my thesis interviewees reduce dating and love down to a luxury only available to few who could afford it, and also sheds light on the struggle between parents and children in many parts of today's world: freedom to choose a partner vs. being with a partner that makes "social" sense.

 

"Social Sense" meaning "Fill-in the-Blanks."

Without necessarily giving an exhaustive list above as to why we date, it still doesn't answer what is dating supposed to "do," and what does it "look like." This is the thesis of this post that I ultimately want to address. As alluded too, I feel a lot of the uncertainty in today's dating landscape comes from the ambiguity regarding the infamous "date." How many of you have asked yourselves, "IS this a date?" "Do they THINK it's a date?" I feel like we drive ourselves crazy just trying to navigate that frustrating and confusing game of "Are they interested?" while figuring out the basic essentials of whether or not someone is attracted to you, and whether or not you're really being courted in a way that makes you feel like you're the real-life embodiment of He's Just Not That Into You.

Long story short, why do we make it so hard? Play the games? Wait to call. Ladies, why do you perpetuate bad advice like, "Guys, you need to make yourselves more "unavailable?" Guys, why do you perpetuate things like, “Ladies, you should lead us on, but not too much.” Or some other bullshit advice like that. Remember the clip I took from the post about Hitch? We really do complicate things, build walls, make assumptions, and basically completely leave each other in the dark as to what we want, what we're expecting, and what is considered "ok."

 

Ok, so just imagine this stock photo is like life. But each side has no idea what the other side is thinking, doing, or saying. And they occasionally cross the gulf because someone's lookin' fiiiine.

What a Date Looks Like: The "Features" of a Date

Van: "It's a date."

Gwen: "It's an interview, not a date."

Van: "Gwen, first dates are interviews."

--Van Wilder

Let's set something straight; a point of courtship is not merely "finding" someone you want to be with, but it's to figure out what you want and to discover what you DON’T want. How does this often happen? Through dating, and through having relationships. It's all about experience and learning. However, because things aren't necessarily as defined in a neat and organized way anymore, it can often lead to confusion and uncertainty. Dating is a great example of this because, as the articles I referenced in part one showed, very few people even know what a date constitutes anymore.

I love the quote above from the movie Van Wilder because I think it's really true. Of course, social media and other ways of networking are largely fulfilling step-one of the dating process for us by giving us access to basic information, likes, interests, personal history, etc. And it can also establish rapport (though, meeting through family, friends, or colleagues does for you as well). Yet, there's so much more you can learn from someone that Facebook can't tell you, and I'm always cautious that people using the argument that "courtship is dead" or whatever are really just finding an excuse to avoid intimacy. Because a date is really about establishing chemistry, figuring out how you feel. Call me an old-fashioned romantic, but I think we've taken the magic out of everything (or, at least, most things when it comes to love/romance/dating). So, I think some people see dating as outdated or unnecessary--especially since we're in a new era where gender roles and expectations are changing quickly--but I think it's still incredibly relevant and just as important. Thus, after much discussion with friends, I've developed a simple 5-point checklist of features to help you discern a date from a non-date. Given, this list is definitely subjective, somewhat arbitrary, and by no means exhaustive. But I figure that it can at least serve as a guide.

A date is:

1. Intimate -- You're sharing information about yourself, both personal and public, with the aim of getting to know each other, establish chemistry, and navigate your feelings.

2. In person, face-to-face -- While "Skype dates" are fun, there's so much you miss when you aren't in the same room together--the body language, the surroundings, the subtle look in someone's eye, the gentle touch of someone's hand grazing your own that is electrifying.

3. One-on-one -- It's really important to be in an environment that allows you to be yourselves without putting you in a situation where you don't want to talk about certain topics, or can't really focus all of your attention on one person. The only exception to this rule I could see is in places in Lebanon where group outings tend to be normative. However, if you're older than 21 and reading this blog, I'm assuming you have the freedom to spend your leisure time the way you want.

4. Involve planning -- I'm not implying it has to be planned from start to finish, but I think a bit of forethought should go into it. Spontaneity is always fun, but at least there should be a plan for the first activity, whether it's dinner, a concert, a walk in a park, or anything else. Be thoughtful, though, and incorporate the other features. For instance, the cliche of "dinner and a movie" is an awful date. Where's the interaction between you two during a movie, especially if it's a first date?

5. Not about spending money, it's about spending time together -- Connected to the intimacy aspect, it's about getting to know each other. So, a date doesn't even have to have the stereotypical dinner component. It could be going to a park, a free art exhibit, a public concert, going to a bookstore (one of my favorites), getting drinks, coffee, tea, ice cream, anything! Don't limit yourself, the "activity" of dates can really be anything, but understand that it's about setting aside time to spend time with someone. 

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Ideally, a date should also be natural, easy, and comfortable. But given the amount of "dates" people go on where they don't feel that way, it can't really help you figure out if it's a date or not. But 99% of the time, if those five criteria are there, it's a date. Additionally, these apply to the first date, the second date, the eighth date, and the 50th date. That's not to say you can't double date or go out together with friends, but especially during the initial stages of getting acquainted, you should spend time alone, and then gradually introduce each other to your social circles. Another assumption to make is that there is at least some degree of mutual attraction with the idea that getting to know each other better could lead to a romantic relationship (otherwise, a lunch date you planned with your same-sex boss could be a date too). 

However, a few things don't matter (necessarily). One of them is the time of day and the day of the week. Lunch on Wednesday can totally be a date, as can dinner on Friday night. But, a note of caution: I think we tend to choose the dinner on Friday night because of the social message it sends--if you're going to dinner with someone on Friday night, that's definitely a date. 

Pictured: definitely a date

A Note on Dating and Paying

Something else that doesn't matter is who pays for the date if you do spend money. The entire debate about who pays and what not is ridiculous. It's within my opinion that the person who asks should do it out of courtesy, or at least the other person should offer. If they refuse, insist on at least paying for drinks or tip, and then if they still refuse, then don't press the issue. The most important thing to do is ask, especially because it avoid awkwardness. If they want to get the bill, let them. Don't read into it too much. Also, if they get the bill and you offer to get a drink or something at the next venue or the next time you meet, see what they do. If they accept, its a good sign. Today's world must have a balance between "chivalry" and respect. If he especially  constantly insists, perhaps  he would overexert himself in a relationship as well.

However, on the contrary ladies, bear in mind that he may be trying to be respectful as he thinks this is the only way to do it/the way dating works. In the end, trust your feelings and your knowledge of the person. Are they being nice because they really like you and want to impress you? Or is he simply trying to hard to be "the man" dating for guys can be really stressful for us too since many of us want to get it right? Yet, I also realize there is no concrete formula for us to even go by anymore. This, "getting it right" depends on the girl, and ultimately can be frustratingly if we guys "mess up" in their eyes. There are gender roles involved, but not necessarily on purpose. This can leave many men confused who want to respect you, but also don't know what is the right thing to do. Especially since some women want guys to be assertive and protective, but also respect their own agency/arbitrarily assume that since your a woman, you can't pay or something as well. 

Historically, the man paying while on a date was done to both impress a woman and communicate financial security and stability. However, (I think) it was also done out of honor and decency. As a guy, it was your honor to be out with her, not a means to an ends. Overall, people are just way too sensitive when it comes to this issue! Don't worry so much about it, just enjoy yourself. No matter who wants to pay, don't get offended by it--if your a girl, thank him and move on; don't think you are being anti-feminist or anti-progressive. If you're a guy, do the same and don't take it as a blow to your masculinity. And if it is that big of a deal, then simply don't spend money. You should feel comfortable and at ease with the person, not stress and awkwardness. It SHOULD be natural, easy as I said. Not complicated. In the end, we really just need to lighten up, remember that some people do have ulterior motives--like replacing money for sex for buying you dinner for sex--but generally, people are just trying to get to know you. And sitting down over a meal, for instance, is a great way to do that. So, just enjoy it and don't read too much into it. I'm sure Betty Friedan and Simone de Beauvoir wouldn't be upset if you told them you went out with a guy, he paid, but you had a great time and he was incredibly sweet, charming, and respectful. 

She on the other hand...

Dating Examples (and Lessons Learned) a la Ogie

With all that said, I feel like it's time for some date confessions, that is, give you some examples from my own life that illustrate the five aforementioned features of a date. I've mentioned some of these before in an interview with Babel Together magazine, but I just felt like divulging some of these stories because they all have a message.

The first, which for me is the most embarrassing, was from college. I was an 18-year old freshman, first semester, and I really liked this girl in one of my classes. I noticed her every time we'd have class, and thought she was so pretty. She used to sit behind me to the left too, and I remember in order to get her name, I opened a MS Word document, typed "Hi, my name is Michael, what's yours?" And then she wrote hers back on her notebook. Anyways... one day I actually had the courage to approach her after class, and we were talking a bit, and then this happened once again, and I invited her "out." I didn't know what I was doing (can you empathize??), I didn't know what I know now, I was a lot more naive about things. I guess I also thought that if a guy asks a girl out, it's a date right?? It WAS 2006 after all, practically a century ago! Anyways... I ask her if she'd like to get dinner sometime, and the first kind of unexpected thing happened. She told me yes, but she's not free Saturday (there was a football game that weekend), so we could go on Sunday. I didn't think too much of it, I was just excited we could. So, I got excited and put a lot of planning into it. I even checked out Facebook to make a CD with songs by her favorite artists that I could play in the car. I consulted with some friends to figure out where we could go, it was going to be great. Then the second unfortunate event happened. Something happened to my car that Saturday, so it had to get fixed. But what would I do without a car!? I have to impress her, pick her up, etc. I thought! Luckily, a friend lent me his car, so we were still on (and it had a nice stereo system too, so my mix CD was still on). Sunday arrives, I get ready, and go pick her up at her dorm. We go across the river with the intention of going to this cool Italian place right on the river. Then unfortunate incident number three happens: I'm so concerned with making everything perfect, we end up getting a table at the WRONG RESTAURANT! It was right next door, but I had no idea it was the wrong place. I felt awful. We eat anyway, we're talking and having a good time, and then we go back across the river to this place called Waterfront Park. We're walking around, and as it gets dark, we go back to the car. Then the fourth, final, and most embarrassing unfortunate event happens. I was trying so hard to be all romantic and ambitious, that I put on a slow song, and asked her to dance with me. Perhaps it's cute, but what wasn't cute was 1. the parking area for the park itself was underneath a highway (Interstate 64), and 2. according to my friends who heard about it from her, there was a homeless guy not too far away from us. Afterwards, both on the way home and throughout the semester, we didn't speak too much after that (I definitely freaked her out a bit according to my sources).

Needless to say, it was a bit awkward, I came off way too strong (even though I had good intentions), and it's still one of my most embarrassing stories today (though, I can obviously laugh at it now. But when I was in college, I wouldn't tell the story to a soul because I was so embarrassed). Now, what did we learn? 

1. Planning is good, but make sure you aren't so caught up in it that you forget to have fun and be relaxed. No one wants to spend the evening with someone wound up too tight! And you shouldn't "have" to impress someone either, just be yourself. A little thought shows you care, but too much, and you come off as neurotic. 

2. Obviously, don't try and slow dance under highways. Related to that, Google Map the HELL out of new places (especially now that the technology is so ubiquitous).

3. Coming off too strong is one of the biggest turn offs out there. 

Luckily, I (usually) learn from my mistakes. The next date I went on was anything but awkward and uncomfortable. I had met a girl through friends (ironically, the same friends who told me to go to that Italian restaurant haha), and we got along really well. So, I asked her out on a date. This was 2007, and I had a lot more knowledge of Louisville. She came to my dorm one late afternoon, and we went in my car to one of my favorite restaurants in Louisville--Amichi's--a cute, cozy, and romantic, locally-owned Italian cafe in Old Louisville. The conversation was great, and afterward, we went downtown to go to a jazz show at the (unfortunately) now-closed Jazz Factory at the Glassworks. We were really having a great time, I remember we split a piece of cheesecake and had perfect seats right in front of the stage. Something really cute happened too, I totally wanted to hold her hand but was too shy to do it. So, I kept kind of inching it towards hers, and finally, she makes the move and grabs mine. AHH! It was so awesome! Haha. So, then afterward we didn't want to go home yet. We decided just to walk around Downtown. We eventually ended up at this place that overlooks the Ohio River called the Belvedere. I remembered there was a cool waterfall/fountain there, so i took her to it, and we laid down on this concrete slab that is right in front of it. We talked for about four hours, and the entire time, we kept getting closer and closer to each other (physically-speaking). Eventually, I realized it was about 1 AM or so, and suggested we go (but not before we ended up sharing our first kiss in the fountain). On the way back to the car, we held hands, and that was that.

That was really the best date I've been on in my life so far, but also it perfectly incorporates the five principles I detailed above (as well as the lessons I had learned from the previous date almost a year before).

It was a hard one to top,but I've had a combination of good ones and bad since. One date I went on in Beirut included going to Spaghetteria Italiana in Ain El Mreisseh, and then getting drinks at De Prague in Hamra. Another, I was on what I thought was a second date, but was informed about halfway through it that she had a boyfriend (that sucked). Yet, at other times, I had experiences that were the complete opposite of "thought it was a date, but turned out not to be." Once, I was meeting up with a new female friend, and we had no idea what to do. We ended up at a Barnes and Noble bookstore, got coffee, and then ended up spending a couple hours just sharing books with each other (especially intimate when we shared our favorite children's books). After we got dinner, and I could only think "...was this a date!?" Based on my criteria, I'd say no because attraction wasn't assumed--as far as we knew, we were just friends.

Although I wanted to do it in this post and because it's already pretty long, something I will do in the third part of this series is go further in-depth of the "rules" of dating in Lebanon (per the results of my thesis), and also give some suggestions for good date spots in Louisville and Lebanon (sorry Bangalore, I just don't know you well enough yet to say).

But play your cards right India, keep feeding my dosas, and we could totally be FWB.

I'll close this post by asking you: tell me about a time you’ve been on a date, or thought it was a date, or maybe it was a date, and tell me what you feel on a date. What do YOU think are the primary components of a date? Tell me your stories! And please laugh at my 18-year old self (he's learned A LOT since then!).  

Until part three, spread the love!  

-Ogie, MA

P.S. These are 100% true stories. No embellishment or exaggeration. I was really that awkward/sweet/naive.