What's Love Got To Do With It? Actually, Quite A Lot

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I really want to apologize for my 7-week+ hiatus/leave of absence, but I was incredibly busy. With what you ask? Well... I can assure you, I've been hard at work, and a LOT has happened over the past month and a half!

Now, remember how I've said I'm almost done with my thesis pretty much since January? Well... guess what? I FINALLY FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

 

How I feel

On May 18, 2012, I successfully defended my thesis (and passed of course!), and then I submitted to the library on May 22. So, what does this mean now? Well, first, I'm officially Michael Oghia, MA, and I will be an AUB graduate come June 22. Second, I want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other week, but preferably once a week. Third, and most excitedly, it means I get to share with you my results!

In all of its thesisie glory

Before I share my results, I just want to first talk a bit about the context of this research. First of all, some stats:

-- My thesis is divided into 6 chapters: the introduction, which includes the purpose and significance, the theoretical framework, the literature review, the methodology, the results, and the discussion and conclusion.

-- I posed 6 research questions.

-- It is 163 pages in total, with 116 in just text alone not including references, appendixes, etc. It's even longer in the library version due to formatting.

-- There are 44,201 words, 246,097 characters without spaces, 290,225 characters including spaces, 1,180 paragraphs, and 4,273 lines.

-- Also, there were 4 sentences per paragraph, 16.3 words per sentence, and 5.3 characters per word. Concerning readability, it scored a 35.7 on the Flesch Reading Ease scale, and a 11.8 on the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level scale.  

-- Of those 44,201 words, love is mentioned 847 times, romance is mentioned 431 times, and relationship is mentioned 367 times.

My thesis word cloud (courtesy of tagxedo.com)

Also related to the context, I want to begin by answering a question that almost everyone has asked me: what inspired this, and why exactly am I studying love?

Quite simply, it was my mom! In 2008, I was with my mom on a vacation to see my family in Los Angeles, California, when she told me about a particular ex-boyfriend. She revealed to me how they were deeply in love, but my grandparents would not allow them to be together, ironically not because of the commonly-cited religious or sectarian reasons, but because he was not from the appropriate social and financial background (I would be happy to expand this story in its full form in another post if you would like to read it). I kept this personal anecdote in mind when I came to the American University of Beirut (AUB), and when I began to conceive this as a possible thesis topic, I wondered how relationship formation occurs now--over 40 years later--and I wanted explore how love is perceived by a younger generation.

Love you mom!

Per my abstract (and now into the technical stuff which I cover in the introduction (chapter 1)), I quickly discovered that romantic love is a topic largely absent from the social scientific inquiry in the Arab world. Although it has deep historical, literary, and artistic roots in the region, many scholars have traditionally reduced romantic relationship formation down to family-facilitated arrangements. However, increasing amounts of new, globalized discourses saturate the region, providing alternatives to the socially prescribed and sanctioned avenues of romantic love and relationships that may challenge the pre-existing romantic discourses, and influence the lived realities of individuals. Thus, the purpose of this study was to explore how a sample of unmarried Arab youth form and maintain romantic relationships, specifically focusing on how they define, experience, and identity romantic love, the value they ascribe to it, and what influences their perception of love.

What I would like to do now is give an overview of the chapters leading up to the results (this is the presentation I gave at my defense, so if you couldn't make it, you aren't missing anything!). Let's start with chapter 2.

Chapter 2 outlines the theoretical framework. I took an inductive approach in this study, grounding the conceptual framework in the results, which includes how romantic love is defined and conceptualized. To do this, I utilized Blumer’s symbolic interactionism, Bandura’s social learning theory, and social constructionism to not assume an a priori conceptualization of romantic love, and to illustrate the subjective nature of how meaning of romantic love is made. I also demonstrate that the way love is conceptualized interacts with Foucault’s notion of discourse to reflect power structures that govern social relationships, define what narratives are socially acceptable, and reinforce Bourdieu’s concept of habitus. Finally, I employ globalization theory (Wiki) and detraditionalization theory (Wiki) to discuss how certain phenomena linked to modernity provide outlets for alternate, external romantic narratives that directly challenge the existing discourse of romantic love and relationships.

Chapter 3 reflects themes I talked about in this post about growing up in two cultures and its effect on relationship development. Basically, I review existing literature related to dating, relationship formation, and love in the Arab world, and also outline 5 key areas of adolescent and young adult romantic relationship formation: culture, family, peer networks, experiences, and the mass media. In the family subsection, I detail how the Arab family is paramount to accessing and securing what Bourdieu calls social capital. Contextualizing this, I argue that, due to the weak Lebanese state institution, individuals rely on family and kinship networks for resource acquisition and security, but in turn, the family employs powerful mechanisms of control such as patriarchy and the honor/shame system that regulate and govern behavior. This occurs due to the potentially dire consequences of disrupting these networks on the entire family, which is exactly what love can do, particularly if an individual’s actions--such as being in love with someone that does not merit familial or social approval--are perceived to endanger the family’s ability to access social capital, or do not reinforce solidarity that is necessary for social, economic, and political survival. Moreover, I review how three pertinent changes to the Lebanese family including living in a post-civil war society, the decline of the extended family, and the generational gap are challenging the established practices and perceptions of romantic relationship formation.

Cute animal reading break time! (I thought this was appropriate).
Also, do any of you feel like you can identify with what I discuss above?

Chapter 4 covered the methodology. Basically, I used both quantitative (survey) and qualitative methods (interviews) to gather data, and I conducted interviews with 22 students, and distributed questionnaires to 193 AUB students (I can expand this to you personally if you would like, but I don't want to bore you with more technical stuff).

NOW, the part you've all been waiting so long for!

The results included a personal, highly subjective nature to the individual’s definitions and perceptions of love, and that love is important to life and the participants ascribed a high value to love. The majority also considers being in love with someone a requirement for a successful relationship, and they rank being in love as an important factor in choosing a romantic partner. They also indicated that objectifying the concepts of both romance and love is problematic. These definitions are intrinsically connected to their experiences with romantic love and relationships, and each of the interviewees inherently associated love with marriage. The interviewees also frequently connected love to Western cultural conceptions, such as individualism, that they indicated clash with or challenge other cultural conceptions such as honor, shame, familial collectivity, and traditionalism. It was also indicated that love is a luxury, linked to social class, yet also saturated with contradictions by society and the family by, for instance, being emphasized and portrayed but not expected or practiced in reality.

Additionally, the participants indicated they want more freedom and autonomy when choosing a romantic partner, particularly from their family, but most do desire parental approval. They also often disagreed with their parents regarding what they consider to be important in a potential romantic partner. Related to this, when considering their future children, many of the interviewees responded that they will not teach their children directly about love, but will show them what romantic love is through setting an example with their spouse, by teaching them about familial love, or simply letting them experience it themselves. Moreover, they also would actively pursue a relationship with someone from outside of their religious sect. Also, culture, family, peers, experiences, and the mass media were all indicated as having a particular influence on the way they perceive love, reinforcing the notion that love is culturally defined and socially governed. Lastly, evidence was given to reinforce the existence of a generational gap and the declining influence of the extended family.

Some of the most interesting results included:

-- All 22 of the interviewees mentioned marriage, connected love with marriage, or mentioned love within the context of marriage even without being prompted to do so.

-- The characteristics of "someone who is fun to be with," "someone who is intelligent," and "being in love" were collectively ranked as the highest qualities that the questionnaire participants sought in a potential romantic partner, and "similar political ideas," "someone who is rich," and "extended family approval" ranked the lowest. Also, there were no notable differences between genders, nor where there any notable differences between relationship statuses and between individuals who had reported that they had experienced love, those that had not, and those who did not know.

-- The majority of both the interviewees and the survey participants reported extensive experience with romantic relationships, and their familiarity with love often originates from these relationships. Furthermore, they often informed peers and family members--such as parents, siblings, and cousins--that they were dating or in a relationship. However, the female interviewees were explicit about not informing brothers and fathers, while they do inform their mothers, sisters, and peers. Moreover, although their experience with dating as a whole was varied, many of the interviewees indicated that the rules of dating were unclear, though certain rules were universally known such as not displaying excessive public affection. 

-- Related to the post about the Five Love Languages, the interviewees were explicit about how they identify and express love. They often identified it through strong emotional feelings, wanting to sacrifice for another person, and attachment. The majority of survey participants also reported that strong emotional feelings were indicative of identifying love. The interviewees communicated that they express romantic love through physical touch and affection, verbal and written affirmation, and through action, service, and gifting. However, the majority of the survey participants reported that they express love through meaningful quality time spent with a romantic partner.

-- Almost all of the interviewees adamantly agreed that they would date someone from outside of their religious sect, and the majority of the survey respondents (134, 70%) also agreed or strongly agreed they would still pursue a relationship with someone outside of their sect if they were in love with that person, with 32 (17%) either disagreeing or strongly disagreeing, and 27 (14%) chose neutral.

Geagea: "Oh no! It looks like the youth don't want to date within their sects as much! 
How do we keep them under control!?"

Aoun: "Aye carumba! Don't tell Nabih!"

I conclude my study by situating the results within the existing literature, proposing prospects for future research, and reiterating the limitations, for instance, that the results are neither representative nor generalizable to Lebanese or Arab youth as a whole, and that AUB students are not representative of Beirut or Lebanon, much less the entire Arab world. I close my thesis by quoting the song Fasateen by the Lebanese folk-alternative rock band Mashrou' Leila, which illustrates a common narrative among Lebanese young adults who are caught in-between familial, social, and cultural pressures and personal choice.

So, in the future, if anyone wants to know what does love got to do with it, the answer for now can be that, indeed, it  has much to do with it.

I just want to say thank you so much to each of you who helped, supported, strengthened, and encouraged me throughout these one and a half years (crazy, right?). I cannot express to you the appreciation and heart-felt gratitude I feel, especially to my friends and family. I really could not have done this without all of your relentless support.

I'm looking forward to your comments and questions!

And of course, if you want to read my whole thesis, check it out here.

As always, spread the love (not burning tires),

-Ogie (MA)

P.S. Just to let you know, LOVEanon has almost 11,000 page views and more than 200 likes on the LOVEanon Facebook Page! Exciting!

3 Stages of Love & Keeping the Passion Alive

Good morning LOVEanese! I hope everyone enjoyed the day off (if you had one). If not, that's one more reason to come live in Lebanon: tons of religious holidays (which = no work/uni)!

I find introducing my posts is probably the hardest part of writing them. You know that I have a specific topic in mind, and you know it has something to do with the title. Well let me start this one like this. A friend of mine asked me a very poignant question a few months ago, and I told her I'd address it. But I was waiting for the right time. Now just happens to be the perfect time. The question she asked was "Does love always feel passionate?" What she means is, do you always have to feel those very strong feelings that particularly characterize the beginning of a relationship? Moreover, I could tell she was subtlety asking for reassurance and validation that she's "okay" and not doing something wrong since she still loves her boyfriend and is very happy with him, but doesn't necessarily feel that way anymore.

I've been wondering this a lot myself. I'm thinking about the feelings I have, and I just cant imagine that the intensity will ever fade. But sadly, according to most research, the intensity does fade. It does leave behind something so much better, however. In fact, anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer have identified three "stages" of love that explain why this all happens.

In her book (Fischer, 2004) (you can find a great book review here), she explains how different biochemical processes are occurring in the brain during the course of a relationship. I've already talked a little bit about why we love, but these stages go through and explain how we progress in a relationship. Moreover, it assists in helping to understand how we adapt to relationships, how our brain regulates romance, and how love affects our body and mind. As the article points out, this is also evolutionarily advantageous as it helps maintain monogamy. These are the descriptions of each stage:

1. The first stage: Lust. This is characterized by those intense emotions of attraction and intense physical and sexual arousal. According to the author of this website, "The first phase often is the all-important sex drive. The hypothalamus and pituitary, which lie at the base of the brain, signals the gonads to release testosterone and estrogen which stimulate libido, an important component during the "lust" phase of a relationship." The main hormones at play here are: testosterone and estrogen.

This is the "I really want to make sweet, sweet passionate love to you" stage.

2. The second stage: Attraction. While the first stage is all about being (or wanting to be) physical with someone, the second stage is the attraction stage. This is characterized more by the cliché emotions heavily portrayed in media for instance. This includes missing the person so much you feel like you're going to explode, only being able to think of the person, butterflies in the stomach, "obsessive thinking and focus on the loved one; the racing heart; diminished attention span; the need to ascribe significance to even minor encounters or communications; and the ability to see only positive qualities of the new partner" (this website). This is the stage I am in now, and this is the stage most common with new romantic partners. In my experience and interactions, when this stage of love tends to dry up, some people think that their relationship has become boring. Often what happens then is that they get bored or frustrated, and move on. What they might actually be craving though is the natural high you get from this.

"This is the phase in which the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine come into play, as well as the "stress hormone" cortisol and a substance called nerve growth factor. As brain scans show, these substances can be as powerful as addicting amphetamines. MRI scans show the brains of lovers, like cocaine users, "light up" in this phase, leading researchers to conclude that romantic love can be addictive. And as occurs with many addictions, in intense romantic love, the brain experiences: tolerance, which makes it need more exposure to the love object; withdrawal, the pain that occurs when the love object is gone; and even relapse; if a break-up occurs and--even months later--if the other person reappears, thanks to a resurgence of dopamine and norepinephrine, the partner is once again in love" (website). There are many chemicals at work here including: epinephrine (adrenaline), dopamine, norepinephrine, cortisol, serotonin, and nerve growth factor.

3. The third stage: Attachment. Remember how I said that usually, over time, those really intense feelings with physical and physiological effects wear off? Luckily, what they leave you with is something so much more important and lasting. This is the feelings of comfort, security, true, warming love. According to the same website, "the hypothalamus and pituitary release hormones like oxytocin. In women, oxytocin stimulates uterine contraction during birth and allows milk to flow during an infant's suckling, and is important for maternal bonding. The biochemical objective in this phase appears to be to foster calm, peace and security..." So basically, before you were feeling sexually attracted in the first stage, then a euphoric happiness in the second stage, but then if you make it to the third stage, you feel calm, secure, comfortable, and have a longer-lasting happiness. The key chemicals at work here are: oxytocin and vasopressin. Just an FYI about oxytocin, that's the chemical that exists in high levels among (usually older) individuals who have been happily together over a long period of time. Another interesting fact is that oxytocin is released when a woman orgasms.

There has also been a lot of scholarship on attachment styles and attachment theory (e.g., Bowlby, 1969, 1973, 1979, 1980; Ainsworth, Blehard, Waters, and Wall, 1978; Hazen and Shaver, 1987, 1994; Feeney and Noller, 1990; Simpson and Rholes (Eds.), 1998) that examines the connection between attachment, attachment style, and love. Check out this website as it provides a great interactive survey that tells you what your attachment style is.

So, that's the three love stages. There are a couple other good sites related to the stages of love here and here. Perhaps it's hard to identify when you can fall in love exactly, because it's easy to misread the signs, or more than likely, identify the wrong stage of love that currently reflects your feelings and your relationship. BUT, this still doesn't answer my friend's question. Sure, you may move into the attachment phase of the relationship, but DOES that mean the passion is gone too?

The best answer is: perhaps, but it doesn't have to! Often if you've been together with someone for a long time, you've adapted to each other. This is common sense: the more you know someone, the more comfortable you are with them. Maybe you aren't wondering how much they like you anymore--you already know. Maybe you aren't tripping over your words when you see them anymore--because you can talk to them so easily. The fact is, as you get closer to the other person, you do get to know them, but we also generally get lazier. You hear things like "she knows I love her," or "I know he wants to be with me," yet people often forget to show it.

I've talked a lot about how individuals who are in a relationship can do enjoyable things together like try fun date ideas, and also stressed how compatibility is really important. In the case of reigniting passion, or keeping it going, you do have to make the effort. You probably already know what makes the other person happy. But don't be afraid to do something spontaneous like go to the mountains for a weekend, or surprise them with something, even if it's a small token of affection such as their favorite candy or a hand-made card with a sweet message inside (of course don't forget to be physically intimate either, or neglect your partners physical, emotional, or intellectual needs). There are many different sites I found that give some great tips and pointers how to do this, and entire books have actually been written on this. But I really like this site, this site, and this site. You can also check out some more fun date ideas here.

The most important thing to keeping the passion alive later in a relationship, however is communication. Communication is key! I've already blogged a lot about communication and understanding your romantic partner (e.g., here), but there's so much that communication can do. It can help you and your partner manage and organize your feelings, It can help you be open and honest about your feelings, and it can help you figure out how to continue to make the other person happy and satisfied in the relationship--as well as so much more.

I mentioned in the comments of my last post that I want to stay as objective and value-neutral as possible. While certain events in the past few weeks of my life have definitely challenged/changed my perspective on things, I can honestly say that no matter where you are--e.g., at the beginning of a romantic relationship like I am--or in the middle of a 1, 2, 3 year relationship, there is an explanation for why you feel different. But that's not an excuse! True, in the beginning, your brain/biochemistry/body/emotions give you a head-start. But later, if you're really committed and attached, the rest is up to you (and your partner).

Empower yourself. Communicate. Be proactive. Be romantic. And as always...

Spread the love,
-Ogie

P.S. Here's a great follow-up post.

Update: An article that was floating around the Internet in Sept. 2013 entitled "I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married." It's a poignant account of how the feelings of love are often misunderstood or misinterpreted, and is really a great reflection of the 3 stages. Check it out!

References:

Ainsworth, Mary D. Salter, Mary C. Blehard, Everett Waters, and Sally Wall. 1978. Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. New York, NY: Routledge.

Bowlby, John. 1980. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 3. Loss: Sadness and Depression. New York, NY: Basic Books.

----. 1979. The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds. London, UK: Tavistock.

----. 1973. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 2. Separation: Anxiety and Anger. New York, NY: Basic Books.

----. 1969. Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Feeney, Judith A., and Patricia Noller. 1990. "Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2): 281-291.

Fisher, Helen. 2004. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York, NY: Henry Holt and Co.

Hazan, Cindy, and Phillip R. Shaver. 1994. "Attachment as an Organizational Framework for Research on Close Relationships Attachment as an Organizational Framework for Research on Close Relationships." Psychological Inquiry, 5(1): 1-22.

----. 1987. "Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3): 511-524.

Simpson, Jeffry A., and W. Steven Rholes (Eds.). 1998. Attachment Theory and Close Relationships. New York, NY: Guilford Press