Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Saba7o/namaste LOVEanese! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to blog again, but when you work 9 hours a day, the last thing you want to do is work more when you get home. Believe it or not, these posts generally take me quite a long time to do--anywhere between 5-10 hours total between researching, reviewing, reading, condensing the material, writing, editing, formatting, referencing, finding photos/video/media, and publicizing (for instance, I started working on this post at around 10:30 AM-ish, and only finished it at around 8:45 PM). Each post (particularly the research-intensive ones) are basically like a class paper. So, thank you for your patience! Perhaps I need to find a more adaptable/workable model now that I'm not in grad school anymore (and, thus, I don't have as much time to work on what I want), but I don't want to sacrifice quality.

Also, thank you for so many wonderful comments on the last post. The kinds of feedback I got were absolutely amazing. Just don't give up on love!

Before I begin with the post, as usual, I just want to highlight some cool resources/links I found over the past few weeks.

1. The first is about how beneficial hugging and physical touch is for our health and well-being.

2. The second contains some advice to NEVER take. These are some of the worst things you can hear. Generally, if someone gives you any of these cliche, overgeneralized, short answers--whether you're married or not--don't take them. It's scary because much of this is coming from friends or family most likely as well.

3. The third is an interesting take on why romantic comedies (rom-coms) have gone downhill, and actually regressed over time.

4. The fourth comes from Science of Relationships, one of my top favorite and most-recommended relationship resources out there. It's a summary of the top three predictors of successful relationships, including: positive illusions, commitment, and love. While love and commitment are self-explanatory, positive illusions are "useful cognitive biases that let you think your boyfriend or girlfriend is the greatest person in the world. Positive illusions refer to the way you see your partner and how you understand his or her actions." Check out the article for more information.

5. The fifth alludes to previous posts/my thesis, and regards the question: what is love? However, in this case, it's funny how sometimes science isn't as accurate as something else: children. This is an account of what love is based on 4-8 year-old kids, and it's truly touching.

6. The sixth is about how young Indians are turning to online dating to curtail arranged marriage. Also included in the article is an exposé by my friend Lakshmi over at Chai With Lakshmi on new ways that middle-class Indians are meeting potential partners in Bangalore.

7. The sixth is actually not the main article (although it is just as interesting in and of itself), but it's actually the slideshow at the end. I found that each slide has great advice that I suggest everyone reflect on.

8. The last could be a post itself, but since it already fostered a vibrant Facebook discussion, I just wanted to mention it here instead of dedicating a post to it. It's entitled, "Diamonds Are A Sham And It's Time We Stop Getting Engaged With Them." Here is a summary of the article: "Americans exchange diamond rings as part of the engagement process, because in 1938, [the American jewelry company] De Beers decided that they would like us to. Nearly every (American) marriage begins with a diamond because a bunch of rich white men in the '40s convinced everyone that it determines your self-worth. You think that you need to spend two month’s salary on a ring because the suppliers of the product said so. Diamonds are not actually scarce, make a terrible investment, and are purely valuable as a status symbol. Diamonds...are bullshit."

In response to the article, I stated that, while of course it's everyone's personal decision to make and there is a great social emphasis to buy a diamond since so many individuals are socialized into understanding that's just "how it works," there are things to consider. When many American (and Lebanese, and many other) couples are already in debt, expensive rings and weddings really are the last thing we need. It just goes to show that when it comes to personal finance, we have absolutely NO regard what is best for our children. People have agency. They can do what they want. But diamonds are arbitrarily expensive. Most people getting married (in the US specifically I mean) already have massive amounts of student loan and/or credit card debt. How is it prudent to tell them that they need invest in a worthless (money-wise) investment in order to prove their loyalty? I just don't think it's contributing to creating new marriages on a healthy footing. That said, will I buy one one day? Maybe, we'll see. But the sheer idea that you HAVE to definitely bothers me.

Feel free to share your comments about this below. And for more information, check out this in-depth article in The Atlantic.

Oh right, and that...

So, now that all of that business is out of the way, we can get into the heart of this post. As you can tell by the title, this post is all about ex's: ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, ex-everything. I'm sure almost all of you can relate to this topic, regardless of your cultural background (although, bearing in mind the purpose of this blog, don't forget that a lot of people out there don't even have the luxury of dating, or the ability to divorce). I am also happy that this post can get back to the normal paradigm that has defined LOVEanon, and that is a review of a subject based on relationship research. As I said, most people have an ex-boyfriend and/or ex-girlfriend out there somewhere. However, can you and should you stay friends/connected with them after the break-up? This was actually a question posed by a friend, and he asked me to tackle the issue.

  You know what they're talking about...

When I did an initial Google search out of curiosity, I was blown away by how many results there were:

843,000,000 results!

However, it's not surprising. For years, I've heard of people grappling with the question. After I took that screenshot, I just wanted to see what some of the first few links that came up said. Again, I was surprised. Some of the advice from the different links didn't sound as bad as I had assumed it would actually. For instance, the two authors of the book DUMPED presented a 10-point list of things you shouldn't do after a break-up that I thought was sound advice. Another was this one from WikiHow of all places. It details some steps to take that could help preserve a relationship after the break-up, and has a nice video at the end as well (however, I suggest that before taking any of that advice, you check out Battegalia, Richard, Datteri, and Lord's (1998) very interesting study that analyzed various factors associated with breaking-up, and synthesized a script for relationship dissolution). This one's from the folks at eHarmony (an online dating service) that presents three reasons why it could be a good idea to stay friends, and three reasons why it may not be a good idea to stay friends. Lastly, this article out of Australia, it documented stories of different couples, and how they either remained and or did not remain friends. One of the best quotes was this: "Psychologist Dr Melissa Keogh told news.com.au there was no black and white when it came to developing a friendship after a breakup, but there was one golden rule: if you are still in love with that person, do not go there."

And let the funny photos related to ex's commence!

Of course, even if it appears to be sound advice, it doesn't necessarily make it so. And if you've read this blog long enough, you know what I'm referring to: none of it (aside from the quote from the psychologist and perhaps from the two aforementioned authors) is coming from relationship counselors, researchers, or experts. So, to get some research/expert-based perspectives, and to try and distil a more accurate answer to this question, I turned to--you guessed it--Science of Relationships (SofR). I found many articles from them on this subject, and I'll outline them below:

The first was a Q&A with the appropriately-named Dr. Tim Loving, a relationship researcher and psychologist, co-founder/frequent collaborator on SofR, and Associate Editor of the journal Personal Relationships. In other words, the guy's got some serious cred. In a response to a letter someone submitted asking about whether or not a girl and her ex-boyfriend should be friends (as they were), he discussed "cognitive interdependence" (Agnew, Van Lange, Rusbult, and Langston, 1998), or what is developed when we become more involved and committed to a partner. He concludes that the more you stay in touch with your ex and the more you do things with him/her, the harder it is going to be for you to emotionally and cognitively disengage from them. Moreover, bear in mind that love really is like a drug--in terms of how it affects our brain (Bartels and Zeki, 2000; Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong, and Mashek, 2010). Thus, when you break-up (especially if it was an emotionally intense relationship), it's analogous to overcoming a drug addiction or quitting smoking, cold turkey.

RIP Mitch

Dr. Loving didn't necessarily say yes or no (and I think as we will see, there's often not one straight yes or no answer to most questions regarding relationship matters), however, he did shed light on the consequences of not respecting space. In another SofR article, Dr. Brent Mattingly offered some statistics to help frame the facts as well as six ways you can stay friends after a breakup that are supported by research. For instance, according to one study, "about 60% of ex-partners do not have contact with one another post-break-up (Kellas, Bean, Cunningham, and Cheng, 2008). He then gave the six factors that make it more likely for couples to stay friends after a break-up (otherwise known as post-relationship dissolution (or termination) friendship):

1. Being friends before the romantic relationship commenced.

2. If the breakup was mutual, or if it was initiated by a man (assuming a heterosexual relationship).

3. If they are still attracted to one another (however, it is important to avoid the often-doomed "on-again/off-again" relationships (e.g., Dailey, Rossetto, Pfiester, and Surra, 2009; Halpern-Meekin, Manning, Giordano, and Longmore, 2013).

4. If the romantic relationship was satisfying.

5. If there is friend, family, and social network support (something I have blogged about extensively).

(I purposefully omitted number six because I will discuss it later).

What do each of these tell us? He provides a great analysis of each as well as the references for where he gleaned the information, and I suggest you check out his words instead of my paraphrased ones because it's really interesting. But I will say that it adds even more layers to the complexity of finding an appropriate answer.

Of course, things are always easier if she doesn't have superpowers 

In yet another SofR article, researcher Samantha Joel offers research-based advice on how to get over an ex. She discusses detaching--similar to what Dr. Loving advised. Taking his and Samantha's advice further, in social psychological literature, a dominant paradigm within human interaction theories is attachment theory. It was developed primarily by English psychologist John Bowlby and Canadian-American psychologist Mary Ainsworth (e.g., Bowlby 1977, (1983) [1969]. For a more in-depth and detailed description, see: Ainsworth and Bowlby (1991), or read here and here), and then expanded to adult attachment relationships by Hazan and Shaver (1987, 1992). Initially, it described the relationship between children and caregivers, but Hazan and Shaver observed that interactions between romantic partners share similarities between children-caregiver interactions such as wanting to be close in proximity, feeling comfort in their presence, and anxious and/or lonely when they are apart. According to the authors, "attachment theory emphasizes the full cycle of relationships--their formation, maintenance, and dissolution--and the defining features of an attachment relationship include reactions to both the presence and absence of an attached figure" (Hazan and Shaver, 1992: 90).  Thus, understanding how attachment works as adults is key to navigating your personal feelings after a breakup that could ultimately determine how you and your ex-partner interact.

Examples of attachment gone wrong. Yeah... about that......

In the final SofR article I want to review, Dr. Amy Muise discusses whether or not you should stay friends with your ex on social media, most notably, Facebook. She mainly discusses how, often, social media is used to monitor your ex-partner, making it harder for you (and perhaps them if they find out) to get over that person and recover from the breakup. She also stated, "in addition, simply remaining friends with ex-partners (regardless of the amount of time spent monitoring their activities) had mixed consequences for break-up recovery. Keeping a partner on your Facebook friend list was actually associated with fewer negative emotions and less desire and longing for a partner; however, remaining Facebook friends with an ex was also associated with less personal growth following the break-up" (information cited from Marshall, 2012). In the end, however, she does not advise to either delete them or not.

I think you get the point. P.S. Guy or girl regardless, DON'T be this person.

Something that has been addressed until this point is that the majority--if not all--of these studies were specific to heterosexual relationships. But what about LGBTQ relationships? First of all (Kurdek, 1991) found no differences between gay and lesbian individuals in how they reacted to a relationship ending. Furthermore, non-responsiveness of the partner and absence/emotional distance were what mainly contributed to relationship dissolution. However, can they stay friends after a breakup? Remember the sixth point from the SofR article above? According to the author, "there is emerging evidence that gays and lesbians are more likely to remain friends post-dissolution than their heterosexual counterparts. Researchers theorize that this is because the members of the couple share membership in an oppressed/marginalized group (i.e., gays/lesbians), and there is a strong desire to maintain strong group bonds" (citing Harkless and Fowers (2005)).

With all of this information presented, what are the key conclusions? First of all, there is never a right way to break-up. In fact, I've always said, "there's no right way to break up, but there's a hell of whole lot of wrong ways." SofA seems to agree (they have an excellent article about the best and worst ways to break-up). Second of all, getting over your ex is incredibly important--both for your personal well-being as well as theirs. But also, it doesn't just affect you. It affects those around you--your friends, family, co-workers. It affects your future too. Think about it, if you're not over your ex, how is that fair to your future partner? Lastly, you shouldn't feel haunted. Being attached is a natural part of the loving process. But breaking out of the interdependence that is often fostered is a healthy way to attain emotional recovery. Jumping into another relationship isn't exactly wise either as rebound relationships often end up with someone getting hurt. 

So, why is this all relevant, and what is the final answer to this question of whether or not you can be friends with your ex? The fact is that the answer is: it depends. Why did you break up? What were the circumstances? Was it mutual? How long were you together? Were you friends before? What is your geographic proximity? Was the relationship abusive in any way? (and if so, I definitely don't recommend being friends). How does the break-up affect your social networks? Even things like how old are you, was it a marriage or a nonmarital relationship, each of your levels of maturity, how much you care about the other person, and, of course, what was the degree of attachment and love that you felt? As I said, there is no perfect answer. But the fact is, often staying in close contact with someone after a breakup (which are, without doubt, one of the most emotionally stressful experiences of being human (Sprecher, 1994)) can often exacerbate and prolong any feelings of discomfort, unhappiness, or dissatisfaction. If you broke-up, you probably broke up for a good reason, whether it was infidelity, incompatibility, or a host of other reasons, and you need to consider your own feelings as well as theirs. And remember, time heals all. Maybe you need time apart. But, again, that's something no one else can determine other than you and your partner. Bear in mind that, depending on who breaks up with who, there is also a power differential there, and regardless of whether they/you are hurt as well, undoubtedly, the feelings of the person breaking up won't feel as hurt as the person getting broken-up with (in general, anyway). If you want to preserve the friendship element of the relationship, communication is key. But so is respecting the other person's space. And negotiating between these two is tricky. I am not sure how to do so either, especially since it depends on the relationship and its dynamics. Whatever the case, I definitely recommend you cease physical activity at the least (i.e., stop sleeping with each other).

We should all strive to be like this, but especially if you're heart is broken, it is hard.

I apologize if the conclusion leaves you frustrated. Perhaps the question isn't so much of can you be friends with your ex, but should you be. I know it basically took over a year and half for one of my ex's and I to talk again, and now we're good friends. But I was also much younger, and I realize that as you get older, your feelings for someone not only often become more intense, but you have much more to lose because you invest more. So, there could be the possibility of resentment and other negative emotions that play out. Perhaps as you get older, it is harder to stay friends because when you were younger, you can just play off your mistakes as just that: "we were kids."

What are you comments? Are you friends with your ex(s)? Let me know! And also, don't forget to like LOVEanon's Facebook Page to get weekly posts with links, videos, photos, and other resources, or follow me on Twitter (@MikeOghia). 

And as always, spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

References:

Ainsworth, Mary D. Salter, and John Bowlby. 1991. "An Ethological Approach to Personality Development." American Psychologist, 46(4): 333-341.

Agnew, Christopher R., Paul A. M. Van Lange, Caryl E. Rusbult, and Christopher A. Langston. 1998. "Cognitive Interdependence: Commitment and the Mental Representation of Close Relationships." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(4): 939-954.

Battaglia, Dina M., Francis D. Richard, Darcee L. Datteri, and Charles G. Lord. 1998. "Breaking Up is (Relatively) Easy to Do: A Script for the Dissolution of Close Relationships." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(6): 829-845.

Bowlby, John. 1983 [1969]. Attachment: Attachment and Loss (vol. 1) (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Basic Books.

----. 1977. "The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds. I. Aetiology and Psychopathology in the Light of Attachment Theory. An Expanded Version of the Fiftieth Maudsley Lecture, Delivered Before the Royal College of Psychiatrists, 19 November 1976." The British Journal of Psychiatry, 130: 201-210.

Bartels, Andreas, and Semir Zeki. 2000. "The Neural Basis of Romantic Love." Motivation, Emotion, Feeding, & Drinking, 11(17): 3829-3834.

Dailey, René M., Kelly R. Rossetto, Abigail Pfiester, Catherine A. Surra. 2009. "A Qualitative Analysis of On-again/Off-again Romantic Relationships: "It's Up and Down, All Around."" Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26: 443-466.

Fisher, Helen E., Lucy L. Brown, Arthur Aron, Greg Strong, and Debra Mashek. 2010. "Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated with Rejection in Love." Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1): 51-60.

Halpern-Meekin, Sarah, Wendy D. Manning, Peggy C. Giordano, Monica A. Longmore. 2013. "Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/Off Relationships and Sex With an Ex."  

Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2): 166-188.

Harkless, Lynne. E., and Blaine J. Fowers. 2005. "Similarities and Differences in Relational Boundaries Among Heterosexuals, Gay Men, and Lesbians." Psychology of Women Quarterly, 29(2): 167-176.

Hazan, Cindy, and Phillip A. Shaver. 1992. "Broken Attachments: Relationship Loss From the Perspective of Attachment Theory." Pp. 90-108 in Close Relationship Loss: Theoretical Approaches, edited by Terri L. Orbuch. New York, NY: Springer.

----. 1987. "Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment  Process." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3): 511–523.

Kellas, Jody K., Dawn Bean, Cherakah Cunningham, and Ka Yun Cheng. 2008. "The Ex-files: Trajectories, Turning Points, and Adjustment in the Development of Post-dissolutional Relationships." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 25: 23-50.

Kurdek, Lawrence A. 1991. "The Dissolution of Gay and Lesbian Couples" Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8: 265-278.

Marshall, Tara C. 2012. "Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with Post-Breakup Recovery and Personal Growth." Cyberpsychology, Behavior, & Social Networking, 15(10): 521-526.

Sprecher, Susan. 1994. "Two Sides to the Breakup of Dating Relationships." Personal Relationships, 1: 199-222.

For further reading, see:

Stephen, Timothy. 1987. "Attribution and Adjustment to Relationship Termination." Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4: 47-61.

P.S. I always loved this song about ex's (ironically, introduced to me by an ex):

A Letter to the Girl I'm Gonna Marry

LOVEanese,

This post marks the 50th post of my blog. Thank you all so much for reading! To mark the celebration of it (and what seems to be everyone I know getting married), I want to diverge from the usual paradigm of LOVEanon. I want to do something for a special someone. I don't necessarily know her (yet), but the title says it all. I want to share with you something I've been writing on napkins and loose paper. A lot of people have asked why I wrote this or what inspired me, and really, it was quite impulsive. But among the many reasons, I just hope it inspires people to believe in love and have that very same thing: hope.

This one's for her. 

***

Good morning Beautiful.

I dream of the day when I can roll over, say those words, and look at you with the ever most tender eyes. Then, as I lie there and stare at you, you'll lethargically hit me with your pillow, and tell me to go back to sleep because there's still 15 minutes until the alarm goes off.

I imagine that's what will happen anyway. Would that be ok? Don't worry, I'd pretend I'm going back to bed, but I'll secretly (or not so secretly) get out of bed just to be able to put the coffee on for you, and wake you up to 100% Arabica instead of an annoying clock.

Would it be ok if I told you I've wanted to do that for as long as I can remember?

Would it be ok if I told you I think about you?

Would it be ok if I told you I really just wish I could hold your hand?

Would it be ok if I told you that I can't wait for the day that you run your fingers through my hair? I hope I still have some when we meet.

And even though I don't know your face, is it ok that I already love you? That I already adore you? 

Sweetheart, do you ever think of me?

Sometimes I'm staring out the window when I'm driving, and I wonder what you're doing. Are you driving too? Where are you going? Maybe you'll tell me one day. About that crazy night you had in some far off place. Or that "Scumbag Steve" that was hitting on you who smelled like cheap cologne, loneliness, and bad decisions.

Don't worry Honey, I don't wear cologne (though, if you were to buy me some you like, I'll take the hint).

I wonder where you are right now. What are you doing? Will you ever read this post? You know, just throwin' this out there, but you should totally read my blog!

Would it be ok if I dream of the day that I get to hold our first child in my arms? And as it stares up at me with your beautiful eyes, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the wonder we've created. And even though you want to kill me for putting you through the pains of labor, with beads of sweat rolling down your face, you see the way I'm looking at this tiny angel, and you can't help but fall in love with me again. "That's him," you say. "That's my guy, the man of my life."

And, Mon Amour, is it ok that I really can't wait to have so much fun with you? Make you laugh? Make you soup when you are sick? Sing to you, serenade you? Buy medicine when you have bad stomach cramps? Tell you how beautiful you are? Show you just how romantic I am capable of being? 

Will you let me take care of you? I know you'll take care of me.

Is it ok that when I think of taking you by the hand, and walking on the shoreline in the sand, under the stars, in the moonlight...

Is it ok that nothing else could make me happier?

Would you ever deny me such happiness?

And tell me Duša Moja, what will you say to me when I tell you that everything I've ever done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone, my entire life...

What will you say when I tell you it was all for you?

That when someone asks me, "why?" the answer will be a resounding, "you?"

And what will you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth cannot possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?

I can't wait for the day that I can transform hours into ours.
How long must I wait? For you, forever is ok.

And when we live together, side-by-side, hand-in-hand, can kisses be our currency? And hugs our credit?

My Love, I hope you think I'm responsible, that I'm a good lover. That I'm loving enough. Nothing is too much for you.

I hope you think I'm kind and compassionate. Maybe if I'm not, you can help me be better: more positive, more empathetic.

I really hope you think I'm good-looking!

And a good confidant.

Someone who is trustworthy, and loyal, and honest, and respectful of you. Will you let me in? Will you tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets? Without fear? I will. I'll tell you everything.

And I hope we will root our relationship in love,
Trust,

Openness,

Empathy,

Compassion,

Kindness,

Communication,

Respect,

Companionship,

Humor,

Critical thinking,

Support.

I hope we challenge each other, offer new perspectives. But I also know that when I imagine myself speaking to a crowd, you’ll be right there watching me, filling me with confidence and pride, knowing regardless of how the room responds, you’ll be there for me.

And I will do the same for you. I can’t wait to look at you, see what you’ve accomplished, and say these six words: I am so proud of you.

And one day when we're out celebrating or having a good night, I hope you'll let me hold your hair back if you're drunk and get sick because somehow, for some reason, I think that's more intimate than a blowjob!

And Canım, I hope you think I'm a good man. I try to be. Not just for you, but I want you to be proud of me. I want you to say, "I'm with him," and beam about it. Because that's how I'll feel about you. I can't wait to brag about you to everyone. Say that the best time of the day is 5:00 PM because that's when I get to come home to you.

But I also hope that you know the world, that you've learned to think, and challenge, and live on your own: cook a meal, flirt, buy a plane ticket (or many), understand the system. I hope you've had good sex, and bad sex, and OK sex, and loved, and trusted, and had your heart broken only to be mended by your own strength and growth and development. And known what it's like to be alone as well as known what it's like to feel appreciated; accepted; included. I hope you've voiced your opinions, stood up for what you believe in, argued to the early hours of the morning about the things you are passionate about, thought critically about your thinking. Come to terms with your parents, and love them even for their mistakes. Understood that growing up is a hard thing to do, but know that you can get through it, and have the confidence to still look at the world with a positive attitude, and find peace and happiness.

I hope you think that, although you've gotten this far, imagine what we can do together.

That is why Baby, I miss you, I long for you...

Do you ever miss me? I really miss you, so much. On those nights when I want to slow dance, and no one will accept. No one will dance with me. No one will come into my space, saturated with intimacy, and just sway with me.

I miss you on those days when I need a hug, or love, or when I just feel like crying. I know you'd be there for me. I'd be there for you too.

I miss you when no one laughs at one of my stupid jokes, because I know you always will (even when it's really bad, if anything, just because you want to make me feel good).

I miss you when I'm hurt, when I'm sad. When I have a difficult decision to make, and I need advice, especially when it may be a decision that could affect you one day.

I miss you when I need some reassurance, when I'm contemplating if I've done the right thing. Or when I need someone to put me in my place. Or when I've done something stupid, and I need someone to remind me of how dumb that was – even though you may have been right there beside me doing it as well.

Maybe it's selfish, but I miss you on those lonely nights, when all I want is to hold you. Sometimes they come more often than I'd like.

And I miss you when I think about getting older. I hope you'll still think I'm sexy when I'm old and wrinkly. Don't worry though, honey, I'll go to the gym. Not just for my heart, my health, and the sake of the kids, but just to make sure that you notice me while I'm undressing to get in the shower. And then you'll laugh and blush when I notice you looking, and invite you to join.

Will you?

I know, I know, it depends on if you're late for work, or if the kids are in school...

How much of this is just fantasy in my head? I mean, do you even like coffee!? If not, it's ok. I'll make tea.

Milk or no milk?

Sugar or no sugar?

(I don't like coffee, but I'll always make sure I have some ready if you do).

Whatever the case, I really hope you're happy. God, I'd give anything to make you smile... and I will! My heart? My trust? My love, my affection? My whole life? No problem. It's yours.

I just hope at this very moment you're smiling, no matter where you are.

And, Draga, if you're dating someone right now, I hope he's nice and good to you, treats you well. But I hope he's not too nice, because then you won't date me! Ok, just kidding, but really, I hope you just realize he isn't right for you (because OBVIOUSLY, I am).

But all kidding aside, I hope you aren't pained. I hope you haven't been hurt. I mean, we've all been hurt, but I hope those scars from your past – from parents, or lovers, or friends, or siblings, or anyone or anything else, I hope they don't cause you anguish. I want you to laugh and smile, and love the wonder of the world.

I want you to know you are loved!

Will you let me love you? Will you rest your tired head on my shoulder? Will you let me be there for you? I will be, just ask. 

My dear, I don't know if I'll find you, or if you'll find me. I have no idea what continent that we'll be on either. Or if it will be any time soon. But that's ok. I just really hope you like...no, love my friends. I really love them. And I feel like they already know about you (don't worry, no pressure! Just be yourself, they'll love you).

And since we're on the topic, I really hope you love my mom. I really love her, and I want you two to be best friends. I've always imagined you and her talking about me – perhaps in French, or Arabic, or even just English – and then laughing together. And then when I come and ask, "What's going on? What's so funny?" you both end up laughing even more. She'll become one of your best friends, she'll love you so much, and be the complete opposite of the "monster mother-in-law."

And if it's not too much to ask, I really want you to love my dad too. He's such a loving man (I know, I'm really lucky!). Huge heart. Great father. You'll love him! And, of course, my sister. If you don't get her approval, we'll have a problem. But I'm not too worried. She wants me to be happy, but just don't get offended if she tells you exactly what's on her mind. And then, of course, is my crazy brother. Who, beneath the rather crass veneer, is a man that has always looked out for me, even in the strangest of ways. We'll always find something to laugh about, and I hope you join in.

And, well, can you love the rest of my family as well? Because they're pretty awesome. Especially my cousins – all of them, they are wonderful! I can't wait to introduce you to them – the ones in Lebanon, in California, in New York.

I also hope it's ok with you that I'm very touchy-feely. What can I say, can a guy not love hugs? And cuddling? And everything in-between?  It's one of my Love Languages. I hope you love hugs too. If not, we might have a problem. But then again, I'm sure there's nothing we can't accomplish – together. No problem we can't solve, no crisis we can't fix. As long as we have each other, right? In this life or the next.

FYI: I love talking about my feelings. A lot. I hope that's ok too. And I want to tell you all the time how much I love you, and how beautiful I think you are, and how you do that cool thing with your eye make-up sometimes, or just compliment you all the time because I love making you feel great about yourself and seeing you smile. Words is another one of my Love Languages (guilty).

And you know all those cheesy poems I've written? One day, they'll all be for you too.

You know, all my friends joke with me about how much of a romantic I am. I don't think they ever really get it. I don't think they can fathom just how much I am. I want to be though; I want them to see it. I want them to really understand. And I hope you love and appreciate me for that. Because, in the end, you're all that matters when it comes to this. I mean, who else should I be romantic with? I often say I'm a "hopeful romantic." Well, you're the hope part.

Ya Albi, I can't wait to meet you. Maybe I already have, but either way, I can't wait to pick up flowers for you on my way home from work, and leave them on your pillow. Or pick you up, and kiss you. Or make your favorite food, or always keep the toilet seat down for you, or buy more toilet paper when you call me frantically telling me we need it. And diapers too. Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll get milk as well. We always need milk. And if we disagree between whole and skim, can we just compromise at 2%? I'm ok with that, but I won't press my luck.

I can't wait to do all those scandalous things I shouldn't do now. Like sexting you! I think when you're married, it goes from creepy to cute and romantic. Right? Ok, maybe that's just me. We can talk about that too.

I wonder what language(s) you speak.

I wonder what your favorite pair of shoes are.

I wonder what your hopes and dreams are.

Habibi, I talk too much, I apologize. But I just want to tell you this: I'm sure one day you will read this. I just hope you get to know me. I want you to understand me. I know that takes time, but I want you to know that I can't wait to fall in love with you. I dream of this moment. Imagine every second. I think of the day that I can ask you to share your life with me. Take my hand, and walk with me, beside me through life.

Can I tell you a secret? Do you know that I've already started writing what I want to say to you when I propose? Do you know that I'll never, ever share it with anyone but you?

My angel,
My savior,
My beauty,
My First Lady,
My soul,
My queen.

One day we will lock eyes, and everything in this world will make sense. And I will ask you about love. And life. And where you've been, and where you are going. And I will want to know about you, and wonder if I can come with you, accompany you on this journey. Be your first mate, your co-pilot.

Until then, I'll be waiting. Living my life, learning new things, seeing new places, meeting new people. But waiting... waiting for you. To give you everything.

Hayeto, please smile for me. Love life, I'll see you someday.

With all the love I already have for you, and SO much more,

Your best friend,
Your lover,
Your partner(-in-crime),
Your soul-sharer,
Your knight in shining armor,
Your life,

-Michael

P.S. If I have a dog when we meet, I really hope you love him/her too. Cat person? No problem, I promise to love your cat (I just hope he/she likes me).