Love and Technology

Good morning LOVEanese, I have a lot of exciting updates and news! The first is that for all of those waiting to hear about my thesis... I'll be starting the rough draft of the results by tomorrow. So, hopefully it will be written by the end of the first week of January. Also, I hope to have a rough draft of my entire thesis by the end of January/beginning of February! We'll see if I can do it :)

Second, you are all great. The blog already has over 4,751 views! Thank you for reading, and thank you for commenting (y'all loved the last post about platonic friendship with the opposite sex!). But now I have a request. It would be an amazing Christmas present if we could hit over 5,000 views by 11:59 on December 31. Do you think we can do it? Spread the blog around: post it to Facebook, e-mail it to friends, Tweet it, Google+ it, post it on your blog, to your RSS feed, tell your friends, check out the LOVEanon Facebook Page... whatever you want! It would really mean the world to me if it could get to that number.

Today's post isn't going to be long. All I want to do other than give you my news is post about a couple links about computer mediated romance. Last night, an article came out in the Daily Star written by my friend Brooke Anderson. She wrote about technology and love. You can read it here. She also interviewed me, and mentioned LOVEanon. Another good story was written on a blog I like to read (IvySays) also related to dating and technology. It can be found here. Check out both of them. What do you think about it? Tell me in the comments below! Bonus: this article discusses why it's so easy to fall in love online.

Also along those lines, I just wanted to highlight some other technology and love-related articles. One of which is this one, which spotlights 5 pretty decent-sounding post-break-up apps for a smartphone. Another is this infographic about relationships and Facebook:

In case it's difficult to see, once again, you can check out the original, bigger version here. Another interesting infographic related to Facebook was created by Science of Relationships (available here if it's too small):

Another cool article to check out is from Mashable, and presents statistics on how technology is used in dating and within relationships. For instance, 1/4 people send a friend request on Facebook before the first date (assuming there IS a first date). It also includes stats on when people think it's acceptable to become "Facebook Official," how individuals in their teens, 20s, 30s, and 40s follow-up after a first impression, and statistics on sexting. Here's a bonus too: apparently, people are using smartphones everywhere--including in bed.

(+961): "Dude, I thought foreplay was an app!"
(+91): "That's Foursquare you idiot!"

In another Mashable article, the author looks at oversharing on social media, and how it can not just be detrimental to a relationship, but people are increasingly trying to show off their relationships online.

Lastly, a really interesting article (also from Science of Relationships) is this one about the connections between predicting relationship satisfaction and longevity and your mobile phone. I really suggest you read it, but one of the most interesting reviews of the findings was that: "[the researchers] quickly realized that the number of text messages mattered far less than why couples were getting in touch in the first place. Surprisingly, "expressing affection" (e.g., "I miss you already," or "XOXO"), was the most common reason couples were texting each other. In fact, couples said they texted for affection 75% of the time, followed by discussing serious issues (25%), apologizing (12%), broaching confrontational subjects (6%), or hurting their partner (3%)." This is interesting because it sheds light on a more positive side of phones in a relationship context, as they often get a bad rap and are associated with negative effects.

"Mmmm! Thx 4 da pza babe! *Instagram*"
"NP! Lol, jk, luv u!! <3"

Something I think is interesting is that, compared to my American friends back in the States, people here in Lebanon really do seem to put their relationship status' (and in fact, a lot of information) on Facebook. Is it because people are trying to keep some information private from their friends, or more likely, their parents/family? Do people here just "trust" Facebook and the Internet less? Is it because people's networks are just so much bigger here than they are on average in the US? Let me know what you think!

I'm not sure if I will post next week or not, but keep the conversation going. Have a great Christmas/New Year/Holiday (no matter what religion you are), and enjoy the time with your friends and family!

Spread the (holiday) love,
-Ogie

I'm an ENFJ, what are you?

Good evening to you LOVEanese! There's an ancient and well-known Greek saying, "Know Thyself." It's been attributed to many different people through history, but regardless of who said it, these words still resonate a strong reminder that being self-aware and understanding/knowledgeable of who you are are paramount to life, society, and philosophical, intellectual, and existential prosperity.

And you really don't want to disappoint him

So, what does this have to do with relationships? EVERYTHING! Remember how I mentioned relationships take work? Well, by bettering the sum of the parts that make up a relationship, and by understanding more about ourselves, our partners, how we communicate, and how we love, we can foster better relationships (and even help us increase our compatibility).

(Notice "love" on her left hand)

It's Monday (well Tuesday now, but whatever, I started it on Monday...), I want to introduce a personality-type indicator, and I love alliteration. So you know what that means... Myers-Briggs Monday!

What is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and how can it help you? It's "a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions" (Myers, 1995 [1980], taken from Wikipedia). So, what does this mean? It's basically a window into one's personality. How they function, how they work, and why they make some of the decisions they do. This is reflected in the purpose of the measure:

"The purpose of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality inventory is to make the theory of psychological types described by C. G. Jung understandable and useful in people’s lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment" (My Myers-Briggs Personality Type).

The Myers-Briggs measure was developed by Isabel Briggs Myers and her mother Katharine Briggs to "make the insights of type theory accessible to individuals and groups" (My Myers-Briggs Personality Type). Carl Jung proposed that two dichotomous pairs of cognitive functions exist including rational functions we use to judge (thinking and feeling), and irrational functions we use to perceive (sensing and intuition). And that's where the history lesson ends, and the application begins (you can read the rest here).

Myers and Briggs--building on what Jung proposed--argued that everyone falls between these at certain intervals. Some people utilize one cognitive function over the other, while other people are more centered and use both fairly equally. They also argued that the energy one needs for cognitive function also fall on a dichotomous scale: gaining energy from being with others (Extroversion) or gaining energy from being alone (Introversion). Moreover, these sets of cognitive function also manifest in the way that a person organizes time and space (Judgers and Perceivers).

So the Myers-Briggs is divided like this: 

And MB breaks down each of these dichotomies into explanations as follows: 

"Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I)."

"Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N)."

"Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F)."

"Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)."

Just like with the Love Languages, the MB can help you understand yourself and your partner. For instance, if you're partner is an extrovert, we normally think this person is outgoing. That's a misnomer, however. What this means is that being around others and being in social situations gives them energy. This is opposed to someone who is an introvert, which means they can be very outgoing, but prefer to re-energize (such as after a long day at work) by being at home, by them self, in a quite and relaxing way (watching TV, reading, etc.). Simply by understanding how your partner wants to spend time after a long day at work, or after a draining event can help you communicate and function in a much happier way (imagine saving a fight because you want to go out and they want to stay in!).

I could go into more detail, but I don't want to get complicated. You can read more about it on Wikipedia and on the MB website. But here's what you've probably been waiting for... how do you find out what YOUR personality is?

Check out this site first, then compare your results to what you find on this site.

Once you (and perhaps your boy/girlfriend?) completes the assessment you can find out more about your personality type here. Another good site I found was this one, all about the different personality types backed up by research.

Moreover, there are 16 combinations of the 8 different characteristics. Check them out:   

Which are you?

And you can see the estimated frequencies of the different personality types (based on the United States population):

I wonder how they compare to Lebanon/the Arab world?

So, that's it for tonight, tell me what you think! Do you identify with your type? Do you think it's accurate? Does it apply to you? What are you? Did I forget anything? Discuss below!

And of course...

Spread the love,
-Ogie

References:

Myers, Isabel Briggs. 1995 [1980]. Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type. Mountain View, CA: Davies-Black Publishing.

The Languages of Love

Now that all the introductions are out of the way, let's get to the juicy stuff of this blog: a bit about love.

I think we can all agree love and relationships take work. They don't just maintain themselves. And in fact, one of the most important parts of a relationship is communication. I minored in communication in my undergrad, which instilled a deep appreciation for communication skills and developing those skills. Thus, I wanted to explore the importance of communication in our interpersonal lives. And if good communication is paramount to a successful relationship, then what happens when two people cannot communicate well (even if they are "in love")?

As my first real post, I want to discuss a book that I absolutely love (no pun intended), and not many people in Lebanon have heard of. All you LOVEanese out there, meet Dr. Gary Chapman's (2004) book, The Five Love Languages.

Pictured above: awesomeness

Surely if any of you have spoken with me long enough about relationships, I've mentioned this book. It's actually quite incredible. Let me give you the abridged version of it since it's not available in Beirut (although I do have a copy with me!)

According to Chapman, the way we communicate and express love and affection can be divided into 5 umbrella categories: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gift Giving/Receiving.

Physical Touch: Includes everything from hugging, kissing, and sexual intercourse, to a light pat on the shoulder or a touch of a hand. Someone that communicates through physical touch will appreciate a lot of physical intimacy, but not just in a sexual way. Kissing, hugging, touching their face, playing with their hair, etc. are all things they like, especially if they are tired or stressed. This is a very tangible language that almost everyone can identify with, either as being very much so or not at all. But if someone is PT, they can get hurt if they feel like they do not get enough physical affection from someone, or if someone withholds physical affection.

Quality Time: Referrers to that complete and undivided, uninterrupted time with someone where two people can talk, relax, eat, spend time together, do shared activities together, etc. Someone that communicates through quality time will greatly appreciate it when you make time for them, keep your scheduled time, and focus on the things that are said and done while you are together. Things that would hurt them include not spending enough time with them, not giving your full attention to them while you are together, or neglecting planned times to spend time together (such as a dinner or a trip).

Words of Affirmation: Include the verbal (and written) expressions of love such as complimenting someone (e.g., “you are so beautiful,” “you have pretty eyes,” “you are really intelligent”) to saying such loving things as “I miss you,” “I am so proud of you,” “I love you,” “you mean the world to me,” “I care about you,” “I appreciate you,” etc. Someone who is a WofA likes to hear your love and admiration, or read it in the form of notes, comments, love letters, etc. And it is not narcissistic either! But these individuals value verbal communication. It would hurt them if you said something mean or hurtful, or if they did not get enough verbal affirmation.

Acts of Service: Include those things we do for someone including something as small and cheering someone up, or making them laugh, to completing tasks for someone to make their life easier, much of which is unsolicited by the other person such as picking up something from the store, cleaning a room in a shared living space, picking up kids, getting up earlier to make coffee for someone, cooking for them, etc. Someone who communicates through AofS appreciate it when they can rely on someone to help them with tasks in their life, and also appreciate it when someone they love does something without them asking. A great example would be getting up 15 minutes before someone to make them coffee when they wake up, or getting them something that you know they need (such as more olive oil). It hurts them when they feel like someone does not help them, or they always have to ask to get someone to do something.

Gift Giving/Receiving: Are the things which one gives to another, but can range from something cliché such as a birthday present or a new car, or could be something small and mundane for no reason, such as picked flower, or a very small item which reminded him or her of someone. Someone that is a Gifter puts a lot of him or herself into the gifts they give, and always loves a surprise. However, it would hurt them very much to never receive gifts, to receive gifts that were not well thought out, or a missed birthday, anniversary, etc. This New York Times article has some great, research-based insights on gift giving that might be helpful as well.

You can find out more about each of the languages here, but let me tell you about the context of the book. First of all, Chapman is a Baptist minister, but throughout his time as a minister, he has spent over 35 years engaging in relationship counseling. Although he wrote the book with some religious undertones, it is still a fairly secular book, and it appeals to a wide audience--religious or not. Secondly, he does write the book with married couples in mind, but it is still very easy to identify with the core of the book regardless of your marital status. Third, he writes the book based on American couples, and he is writing to an American audience. Lastly, while the book has a focus on romantic relationships in general, the primary message of the book can easily be applied to platonic and non-romantic relationships as well, such as those between siblings, children-parents, grandparents-grandchildren, friends, and even colleagues.

The most important part of the book is not merely outlining each of the languages, but he explains how problems in communication are often a problem of speaking different languages. And the way that one expresses love is often the way they want to receive it. Basically what happens is that if you are speaking Physical Touch, and I am speaking Words of Affirmation, we are on two different wavelengths. Just like if I were speaking to you in Japanese and you were speaking Spanish we would have a very hard time at understanding each other. The same occurs with communicating love, but understanding each other's love language can help to make the other feel more love. So if you are an Acts of Service individual and I am a Quality Time individual, then I need to make sure I'm doing things without you asking me, and you should make time for us to spend time together. Analogously, this is clearer if you think of it in this way: if I ask a question in English, I (understandably) expect an answer in English. The same goes for love!

This is the part that takes time. If you're dating someone that is "touchy-feely," that probably means they are a physical touch person. But if you're not, it's important to still show them love physically. But also, they need to be more aware of what makes you feel loved. Regardless of your love language (henceforth, L.L.), however, unless you both share the same one, it is something that you have to work at to show the other person. How often do you communicate with someone in the way that is really meaningful to them?

According to Chapman, in general, everyone has a dominate L.L. and a secondary L.L. (try and guess what mine are!). Two things, however: First, of course everyone exhibits a mixture of the them depending on the situation, but generally, everyone has a dominate one (or two). Second, it is actually something that is very rewarding for both when they make an effort to speak each other's languages because it leads to more happiness for both, and better reception of their actions. And the best part is this is regarding communication, not compatibility. So, even if you don't share the same L.L., you can learn to communicate love in the way that others like and vice-versa. And it can even be fun and fulfilling!

And as I said, the five Love Languages are not limited to a romantic relationship. The same can apply to friends, family, co-workers, colleagues, etc.

That is not the end of it either! A study found that, although he was not writing academically, his L.L. actually are consistent with established research! Egbert and Polk (2006: 19) indicated that "significant relationships between the love language factors and Stafford, Dainton, and Haas’ (2000) relational maintenance typology [exist], suggesting that Chapman’s Love Languages may reflect behaviors performed to enact intended relational maintenance."

Also, Chapman's book indicated that American women tend to be more Acts of Service oriented whereas American men tend to be more Physical Touch oriented (according to the individuals he has counseled). When I did a project for one of my graduate courses in the fall of 2009, I found that out of the 16 individuals I interviewed, the majority of the male interviewees indicated that Acts of Service were their primary Love Language, while the female interviewees indicated that Words of Affirmation (closely followed by Physical Touch) was their primary L.L. (Oghia, 2010, unpublished manuscript).

Food for Thought:

1. Why do YOU think this is? 
2. What role does culture play in the development of these? 
3. Do you think his categories are applicable to those outside of the US?
4. What do you think your Love Languages are? 
5. Do you think this is something relevant to your life? Let me know!

More information can be found on the website as well as an assessment of your L.L. Also, let me know if you need clarification, or want more information. But just remember: the next time you're fighting, disagreeing, arguing, or just having a miscommunication, think about how you are (or not) speaking to their L.L. Because a lot of times, these arguments are not really about what's at face-value, they are often about more meaningful things that are not discussed in the process of fighting out the issues. Speaking a L.L. to someone else can impart trust, appreciation, admiration, fulfillment, and of course, love, while also helping to fix problems in general with communication. SO, try it; you definitely have nothing to lose!

Spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. Check out the LOVEanon Facebook Page for updates, cool links, and new blog posts!

References:

Chapman, Gary D. 2004. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (New Edition). Northfield Press.

Egbert, Nichole, and Denise Polk. 2006. "Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman’s (1992) Five Love Languages." Communication Research Reports, 23(1): 19-26.

Oghia, Michael J. 2010. "Lebanese Youth Perceptions of Love and Marriage: An Exploratory Study." American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon. Unpublished manuscript.

Stafford, Laura, Marianne Dainton, and Stephen Haas. 2000. "Measuring Routine and Strategic Relational Maintenance: Scale Revision, Sex Versus Gender Roles, and the Prediction of Relational Characteristics." Communication Monographs, 3: 306-323.