"Hitched"

"Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30 percent is your tone. So, that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom."

Saba7o LOVEanense! I feel like I spend every new post apologizing for not updating sooner, but I assure you... finding a job is really tough. Some good news though is that this is my 35th post! It's been really hard to find the energy to write, but last week I watched something for the first time, and felt compelled to write about it. Although I usually spend the first paragraph of a post giving updates, there's nothing really to update this time around.

I do want to draw your attention, though, to a couple articles I found recently that are really important. The first is about the common causes of divorce. If you've ever wanted to see a pretty comprehensive list, it's here. Dr. Terri Orbush covers some important lessons that were actually learned from couples who did divorce. Moreover, she has some great advice for dealing with the number one cause: money.

With that said, if you have not seen the 2005 movie Hitch, you really need to watch it.

It's got Will Smith in it, OF COURSE it's gonna be good!

Now, I know this movie isn't exactly new, and most people whom I've told that I just NOW watched it were wondering which rock I've been living under (I mean, for a guy who wrote a thesis about love, how did I not see Hitch!?). Well, to be honest, I was impressed. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but as I watched, I kept making notes. It hit on what I think are so many important themes, and, in my opinion, even though it was "Hollywood," shied away from some of the typical motifs and themes.

Well... not ALL of them. The quote at the beginning was actually the opening lines of the movie. I was a little skeptical of the theme of the movie based on what he was saying, because it sounded a little too good to be true. First of all, although nonverbal communication is incredibly important in communicating, some are critical of the 90% of all communication is nonverbal. Regardless, it's still an important point, and I was definitely interested in seeing what else Hitch had to say, but I hope it goes without saying that you should just be careful when you hear a statistic floated around in mainstream media (and always question it's accuracy).

The more I watched, the more subtleties I began to pick-up on, and the more I realized it was actually a very positive film. One of these was what I considered the difference between methods and intentions. For example, just watch this short clip I recorded of what I think is the most important part of the movie (just watching it gives me goosebumps):

Isn't that so intense!? Especially when he says, "This is why falling in love is so goddamn hard!" and "It's because of jerks like that that even have a job!" I just really loved the interaction between him and everyone else, but especially, the dialogue. I think that it's easy at first glance to call what he was saying sexist, and perhaps I just identified with it as a man, but I think there was some very interesting points here that really sums up the whole movie. Moreover, he's not vilifying women, nor is he unintentionally criticizing them. He's criticizing society at large, the plethora of norms, expectations, and pressures that often leave most men (and I'm sure many women) frustrated, timid, self-conscious, or feeling like they are not good enough. As I mentioned with the "methods vs. intentions" dichotomy, I think it sheds light on the way that a lot of people feel (regardless of gender) with approaching the opposite gender. As men are typically expected to approach women, it's understandable that he is speaking on behalf of men. But if you listen to what he's saying, it's really more about how his job is based on overcoming the societal pressures/expectations that come with dating and courtship--to which gender roles and socialization are a huge part. It isn't about hooking up at all, and really, sex isn't part of the movie at all either. In fact, when someone wanted to just get with a woman because he wanted sex, Hitch rejected him. I really liked that.

FYI: DO NOT date.

Another point that I wanted to discuss that I think many of you in Lebanon/with an Arab background experience a lot (and that IS a typical Hollywood motif) is the emphasis on love--verses compatibility. Even from the get-go, Hitch never once talked about the importance of compatibility. There's just the assumption that if someone "likes" someone, they can just fall in love, and live "happily ever after." As multiple studies show, one aspect of compatibility--social support and involvement--is incredibly important (Felmlee, 2001; Bryant and Conger, 1999; Sprecher and Felmlee, 1992; Leslie, Huston, and Johnson, 1986). Moreover, other scholars have found that it is typical for individuals to seek out a mate who is similar to themselves in terms of personality (Dijkstra and Barelds, 2008).

I'm not trying to say that love is the opposite of compatibility, but I think we complicate relationships, and for many reasons. One of which is the confusion between love and compatibility. I just think that love and compatibility are BOTH important components of a happy relationship, and are in many ways, apples and oranges. Consider love, for instance, as an emotional element (the apple), while compatibility is more of a logical component (the orange). I've talked a bit about compatibility before (e.g., here), but I want to take the concept further as well as connect it to the movie. I want to argue that there are multiple tiers of compatibility (without applied value necessarily), where one tier could hold religious beliefs, social background, cultural similarity, class, and level of education (if that sounds strangely familiar, it's because that's what's generally considered the most important among Arab parents/families). However, there's the next tier that holds personality traits, experiences, similar tastes in music/movies, etc. And then another that pertains to values, beliefs, life goals, energy levels, perception of the world (are you positive and optimistic and they negative and pessimistic?), and especially, conflict styles and how to manage conflict (How do you deal with conflict, disagreements, etc.?). I think all of these are important. However, the fact is, the equation for attraction is so complex and is determined by an infinite number of factors; it is the most advanced equation that makes quantum physics seem pale in comparison. So, it may be hard to determine exactly what aspect of someone's personality or worldview or habits are the most attractive. I'm sure we all know people that, perhaps on the outside, they may not seem to be a suitable match, but the more you get to know them, the more you realize they are perfect for each other--because they are compatible in deeper ways.

Putting this in the context of the movie, however, is more complicated. In the U.S. and the "West" in general, we overemphasize the "love" aspect of a relationship. In the Arab world, we overemphasize the "compatibility" aspect of a relationship. So, as I alluded to, you see that reflected in the movie. But, actually, in one of the last scenes, Allegra emphasizes how Albert's "quirks" such as being clumsy or a bad dancer are actually really attractive to her (hinting at compatibility). For Allegra, she liked Albert just the way he was, even though they seem like a completely different couple based on their social status (she's famous, he's not). Moreover, Eva Mendes' character, Sarah, and Hitch both have a pretty interesting thing in common: a history of fear; fear of loss for Sarah, and a fear of rejection for Hitch. Both communicate intimate anecdotes of past experiences which left them jaded, cynical, and cautious. And I think that is incredibly reflective of most people. They had bad experiences, and in turn, those bad experiences prevented them from getting close to others. Instead, they kept people at a distance. I'm SURE that every single person reading this can relate, either themselves personally, or through the experience of a friend or family member. I mean, it makes sense: as you get older, all of those experiences prior add up, and affect you, they influence your behavior, your actions, and your perceptions; they add to your insecurities, and sometimes, make you shut down. But remember the 5th leading cause of divorce according to the article I posted at the beginning of this post? It's important to let go of the past, not forget it per se, but live in the present. Be yourself, be natural, love who you are, and be with someone who makes your life happier BECAUSE you can be yourself. We all have to impress at point or another, but being comfortable with someone is an amazing feeling.

Overall, it was a great movie, I definitely recommend it. I know I always say that I'll try and blog more, but I really will. I'm really looking forward to your comments: did you like the movie? Where there other themes you picked up on that I missed? Do you have a perception that is based on your gender? Let me know! And just remember the last line of the movie, one that sums up pretty much everything about dating, love, relationships, and attraction:

"Basic rules: there are none." - Hitch

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

References:

Bryant, Chalandra M., and Rand D. Conger. "Marital Success and Domains of Social Support in Long-Term Relationships: Does the Influence of Network Members Ever End?"
Journal of Marriage and Family, 61(2): 437-450.

Dijkstra, Pieternel, and Barelds, Dick P. H. 2008. "Do People Know What They Want: A Similar or Complementary Partner?" Evolutionary Psychology, 6(4): 595-602.

Felmlee, Diane H. 2001. "No Couple Is an Island: A Social Network Perspective on Dyadic Stability." Social Forces, 79(4): 1259-1287.

Leslie, Leigh A., Ted L. Huston, and Michael P. Johnson. 1986. "Parental Reactions to Dating Relationships: Do They Make a Difference?" Journal of Marriage and Family, 48(1): 57-66.

Sprecher Susan, and Diane H. Felmlee. 1992. "The Influence of Parents and Friends on the Quality and Stability of Romantic Relationships: A Three-Wave Longitudinal Investigation." Journal of Marriage and Family, 54(4): 888-900.

I'm an ENFJ, what are you?

Good evening to you LOVEanese! There's an ancient and well-known Greek saying, "Know Thyself." It's been attributed to many different people through history, but regardless of who said it, these words still resonate a strong reminder that being self-aware and understanding/knowledgeable of who you are are paramount to life, society, and philosophical, intellectual, and existential prosperity.

And you really don't want to disappoint him

So, what does this have to do with relationships? EVERYTHING! Remember how I mentioned relationships take work? Well, by bettering the sum of the parts that make up a relationship, and by understanding more about ourselves, our partners, how we communicate, and how we love, we can foster better relationships (and even help us increase our compatibility).

(Notice "love" on her left hand)

It's Monday (well Tuesday now, but whatever, I started it on Monday...), I want to introduce a personality-type indicator, and I love alliteration. So you know what that means... Myers-Briggs Monday!

What is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and how can it help you? It's "a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions" (Myers, 1995 [1980], taken from Wikipedia). So, what does this mean? It's basically a window into one's personality. How they function, how they work, and why they make some of the decisions they do. This is reflected in the purpose of the measure:

"The purpose of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality inventory is to make the theory of psychological types described by C. G. Jung understandable and useful in people’s lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment" (My Myers-Briggs Personality Type).

The Myers-Briggs measure was developed by Isabel Briggs Myers and her mother Katharine Briggs to "make the insights of type theory accessible to individuals and groups" (My Myers-Briggs Personality Type). Carl Jung proposed that two dichotomous pairs of cognitive functions exist including rational functions we use to judge (thinking and feeling), and irrational functions we use to perceive (sensing and intuition). And that's where the history lesson ends, and the application begins (you can read the rest here).

Myers and Briggs--building on what Jung proposed--argued that everyone falls between these at certain intervals. Some people utilize one cognitive function over the other, while other people are more centered and use both fairly equally. They also argued that the energy one needs for cognitive function also fall on a dichotomous scale: gaining energy from being with others (Extroversion) or gaining energy from being alone (Introversion). Moreover, these sets of cognitive function also manifest in the way that a person organizes time and space (Judgers and Perceivers).

So the Myers-Briggs is divided like this: 

And MB breaks down each of these dichotomies into explanations as follows: 

"Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I)."

"Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N)."

"Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F)."

"Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P)."

Just like with the Love Languages, the MB can help you understand yourself and your partner. For instance, if you're partner is an extrovert, we normally think this person is outgoing. That's a misnomer, however. What this means is that being around others and being in social situations gives them energy. This is opposed to someone who is an introvert, which means they can be very outgoing, but prefer to re-energize (such as after a long day at work) by being at home, by them self, in a quite and relaxing way (watching TV, reading, etc.). Simply by understanding how your partner wants to spend time after a long day at work, or after a draining event can help you communicate and function in a much happier way (imagine saving a fight because you want to go out and they want to stay in!).

I could go into more detail, but I don't want to get complicated. You can read more about it on Wikipedia and on the MB website. But here's what you've probably been waiting for... how do you find out what YOUR personality is?

Check out this site first, then compare your results to what you find on this site.

Once you (and perhaps your boy/girlfriend?) completes the assessment you can find out more about your personality type here. Another good site I found was this one, all about the different personality types backed up by research.

Moreover, there are 16 combinations of the 8 different characteristics. Check them out:   

Which are you?

And you can see the estimated frequencies of the different personality types (based on the United States population):

I wonder how they compare to Lebanon/the Arab world?

So, that's it for tonight, tell me what you think! Do you identify with your type? Do you think it's accurate? Does it apply to you? What are you? Did I forget anything? Discuss below!

And of course...

Spread the love,
-Ogie

References:

Myers, Isabel Briggs. 1995 [1980]. Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type. Mountain View, CA: Davies-Black Publishing.

Calling all singles!

It was just brought to my attention by my wonderful friend Carmen Makhoul-Ibrahim that I need to do more for singles and I should incorporate posts that are specifically geared towards singles. ...And I honestly have no idea how to do that because I didn't really previously consider it. But it's a great idea nonetheless (especially because I'M single!).

There are a lot of singles resources out there that I'd love to connect people to (e.g., the Relationship Coaching Institute, the Relationship Research Institute, websites like AskMen for men, and even astrological sites (e.g., this, this, and that, but I love this one), but my biggest problem with most singles guides, singles advice, etc., is that it's directed more towards how to have a sex with or pick up a girl or guy as opposed to have to get into a relationship with someone (especially with guy's advice). There are all these games, and systems, and whatnot, but I don't think any of it really matters. Because if you're looking for how to pick up chicks or guys, you're really in the wrong place. That's not really my goal, and helping someone get laid is DEFINITELY not what this blog is about.

Sorry to disappoint you Quagmire

What I would rather focus on is two-fold: making yourself a better catch in general through introspection, understanding yourself, understanding the social and psychological influences on whom you are attracted to, overcoming the insecurities that hinder relationship formation (such as a parent's divorce, the death of a loved one, or a hurtful break-up (e.g., cheated on, etc.)), and a better overall understanding the opposite sex. 

And secondly, through emphasizing the importance of compatibility.

I will be introducing some little things that deal with the first point over the next few weeks, but as far as the second goes, let's just have a brief introduction into compatibility 101. First of all, what is it?

Compatibility (noun): 1: Capable of existing together in harmony (compatible theories, compatible people)... Example: Two people with compatible personalities. Origin: Middle English, from Medieval Latin: compatibilis, literally: sympathetic, from Late Latin: compati. First Known Use: 15th century. Synonyms: Agreeable, amicable, harmonious, congenial, frictionless, kindred, unanimous, united. Antonyms: Disagreeable, discordant, disharmonious, disunited, incompatible, inharmonious, uncongenial" (Thanks Webster).

Wikipedia has a pretty basic overview of interpersonal compatibility, but it is a really important concept that is often overlooked entirely, or in the case of the Arab world/Lebanon, is reduced down to the same religion, sect, social class, geographic location, or similar family backgrounds. But regardless of where you're from, compatibility is important, both for couples and singles. 

And what is important is to ask yourself questions like: What do they value? How important is religion to their life? Do we like the same things? Have similar tastes in interests? Do we have similar life trajectories (that is, are they moving away in a month while you stay in university for another 2 years)? Do we have similar goals and ambitions? Different goals, but similar life ambitions?  Different life ambitions, but similar goals? Are you close in age? In location? Do you share similar Love Languages, and what are theirs anyway? Do they stimulate you intellectually (and sexually)? Can you communicate well? Can you talk about deep and meaningful things? Do they support your passions? Do you support theirs? Do they get your humor? Do you understand theirs? Do you want kids someday, but they never do?  How do they spend their money? How do they manage conflict? How dependent or independent are they? Etc...

These are a wide range of questions, but I just wanted to illustrate things many people don't ask themselves or the people they are potentially going to be in a relationship with. Or if people know what they value, they don't necessarily know how "put their finger on it" as to what they are trying to tell themselves (i.e., that this is important to finding someone who I am compatible with). 

Probably not gonna work...

Compatibility is not just some relationship mumbo-jumbo concept. Multiple scientific studies and research has highlighted the benefits on romantic compatibility such as Huston and Houts (1998) (pp. 114-151), Lutz-Zois, Bradley, Mihalik, and Moorman-Eavers (2006), and Dijkstra and Barelds (2008), for instance. Moreover, Winch’s (1955, 1958, 1967) theory of complementary needs asserts that individuals who are in love share certain social characteristics (e.g., class, family status, education, income, religion, etc.), which is also supported by Sprecher (1998) who found that similarity of attitudes or values is one of the most important determinants of attraction.

I'll be talking more about compatibility later, and by no means am I trying to make you paranoid about it, but DO be more aware that there is more to meeting someone and maintaining a relationship than attraction (Duh, I know...).

IMPORTANT!

What I want from all you singles now is tell me specifically what you want. What do you want to see? What kind of articles, links, research, etc. is relevant to you? Tell me so I cater to your needs and what you want!

Spread the love,

-Ogie

References:

Dijkstra, Pieternel, and Dick P. H. Berelds. 2008. "Do People Know What They Want: A Similar or Complementary Partner?" Evolutionary Psychology, 6(4): 595-602.

Huston, Ted L., and Renate M. Houts. 1998. "The Psychological Infrastructure of Courtship and Marriage: The Role of Personality and Compatibility in Romantic Relationships." Pp. 114-151 in The Developmental Course of Marital Dysfunction, edited by Thomas N. Bradbury. New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.

Lutz-Zois, Catherine J., Angela C. Bradley, Jennifer L. Mihalik, and Erika R. Moorman-Eavers. 2006. "Perceived Similarity and Relationship Success Among Dating Couples: An Idiographic Approach. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(6): 865-880.

Sprecher, Susan. 1998. "Insiders' Perspectives on Reasons for Attraction to a Close Other." Social Psychological Quarterly, 61(4): 287-300.

Winch, Robert F. 1967. "Another Look at the Theory of Complementary Needs in Mate-Selection." Journal of Marriage and Family, 29(4): 756-762.

----. 1958. Mate-Selection: A Study of Complementary Needs. Oxford, UK: Harper.

----. 1955. "The Theory of Complementary Needs in Mate-Selection: Final Results on the Test of the General Hypothesis." American Sociological Review, 20(5): 552-555.

The Languages of Love

Now that all the introductions are out of the way, let's get to the juicy stuff of this blog: a bit about love.

I think we can all agree love and relationships take work. They don't just maintain themselves. And in fact, one of the most important parts of a relationship is communication. I minored in communication in my undergrad, which instilled a deep appreciation for communication skills and developing those skills. Thus, I wanted to explore the importance of communication in our interpersonal lives. And if good communication is paramount to a successful relationship, then what happens when two people cannot communicate well (even if they are "in love")?

As my first real post, I want to discuss a book that I absolutely love (no pun intended), and not many people in Lebanon have heard of. All you LOVEanese out there, meet Dr. Gary Chapman's (2004) book, The Five Love Languages.

Pictured above: awesomeness

Surely if any of you have spoken with me long enough about relationships, I've mentioned this book. It's actually quite incredible. Let me give you the abridged version of it since it's not available in Beirut (although I do have a copy with me!)

According to Chapman, the way we communicate and express love and affection can be divided into 5 umbrella categories: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gift Giving/Receiving.

Physical Touch: Includes everything from hugging, kissing, and sexual intercourse, to a light pat on the shoulder or a touch of a hand. Someone that communicates through physical touch will appreciate a lot of physical intimacy, but not just in a sexual way. Kissing, hugging, touching their face, playing with their hair, etc. are all things they like, especially if they are tired or stressed. This is a very tangible language that almost everyone can identify with, either as being very much so or not at all. But if someone is PT, they can get hurt if they feel like they do not get enough physical affection from someone, or if someone withholds physical affection.

Quality Time: Referrers to that complete and undivided, uninterrupted time with someone where two people can talk, relax, eat, spend time together, do shared activities together, etc. Someone that communicates through quality time will greatly appreciate it when you make time for them, keep your scheduled time, and focus on the things that are said and done while you are together. Things that would hurt them include not spending enough time with them, not giving your full attention to them while you are together, or neglecting planned times to spend time together (such as a dinner or a trip).

Words of Affirmation: Include the verbal (and written) expressions of love such as complimenting someone (e.g., “you are so beautiful,” “you have pretty eyes,” “you are really intelligent”) to saying such loving things as “I miss you,” “I am so proud of you,” “I love you,” “you mean the world to me,” “I care about you,” “I appreciate you,” etc. Someone who is a WofA likes to hear your love and admiration, or read it in the form of notes, comments, love letters, etc. And it is not narcissistic either! But these individuals value verbal communication. It would hurt them if you said something mean or hurtful, or if they did not get enough verbal affirmation.

Acts of Service: Include those things we do for someone including something as small and cheering someone up, or making them laugh, to completing tasks for someone to make their life easier, much of which is unsolicited by the other person such as picking up something from the store, cleaning a room in a shared living space, picking up kids, getting up earlier to make coffee for someone, cooking for them, etc. Someone who communicates through AofS appreciate it when they can rely on someone to help them with tasks in their life, and also appreciate it when someone they love does something without them asking. A great example would be getting up 15 minutes before someone to make them coffee when they wake up, or getting them something that you know they need (such as more olive oil). It hurts them when they feel like someone does not help them, or they always have to ask to get someone to do something.

Gift Giving/Receiving: Are the things which one gives to another, but can range from something cliché such as a birthday present or a new car, or could be something small and mundane for no reason, such as picked flower, or a very small item which reminded him or her of someone. Someone that is a Gifter puts a lot of him or herself into the gifts they give, and always loves a surprise. However, it would hurt them very much to never receive gifts, to receive gifts that were not well thought out, or a missed birthday, anniversary, etc. This New York Times article has some great, research-based insights on gift giving that might be helpful as well.

You can find out more about each of the languages here, but let me tell you about the context of the book. First of all, Chapman is a Baptist minister, but throughout his time as a minister, he has spent over 35 years engaging in relationship counseling. Although he wrote the book with some religious undertones, it is still a fairly secular book, and it appeals to a wide audience--religious or not. Secondly, he does write the book with married couples in mind, but it is still very easy to identify with the core of the book regardless of your marital status. Third, he writes the book based on American couples, and he is writing to an American audience. Lastly, while the book has a focus on romantic relationships in general, the primary message of the book can easily be applied to platonic and non-romantic relationships as well, such as those between siblings, children-parents, grandparents-grandchildren, friends, and even colleagues.

The most important part of the book is not merely outlining each of the languages, but he explains how problems in communication are often a problem of speaking different languages. And the way that one expresses love is often the way they want to receive it. Basically what happens is that if you are speaking Physical Touch, and I am speaking Words of Affirmation, we are on two different wavelengths. Just like if I were speaking to you in Japanese and you were speaking Spanish we would have a very hard time at understanding each other. The same occurs with communicating love, but understanding each other's love language can help to make the other feel more love. So if you are an Acts of Service individual and I am a Quality Time individual, then I need to make sure I'm doing things without you asking me, and you should make time for us to spend time together. Analogously, this is clearer if you think of it in this way: if I ask a question in English, I (understandably) expect an answer in English. The same goes for love!

This is the part that takes time. If you're dating someone that is "touchy-feely," that probably means they are a physical touch person. But if you're not, it's important to still show them love physically. But also, they need to be more aware of what makes you feel loved. Regardless of your love language (henceforth, L.L.), however, unless you both share the same one, it is something that you have to work at to show the other person. How often do you communicate with someone in the way that is really meaningful to them?

According to Chapman, in general, everyone has a dominate L.L. and a secondary L.L. (try and guess what mine are!). Two things, however: First, of course everyone exhibits a mixture of the them depending on the situation, but generally, everyone has a dominate one (or two). Second, it is actually something that is very rewarding for both when they make an effort to speak each other's languages because it leads to more happiness for both, and better reception of their actions. And the best part is this is regarding communication, not compatibility. So, even if you don't share the same L.L., you can learn to communicate love in the way that others like and vice-versa. And it can even be fun and fulfilling!

And as I said, the five Love Languages are not limited to a romantic relationship. The same can apply to friends, family, co-workers, colleagues, etc.

That is not the end of it either! A study found that, although he was not writing academically, his L.L. actually are consistent with established research! Egbert and Polk (2006: 19) indicated that "significant relationships between the love language factors and Stafford, Dainton, and Haas’ (2000) relational maintenance typology [exist], suggesting that Chapman’s Love Languages may reflect behaviors performed to enact intended relational maintenance."

Also, Chapman's book indicated that American women tend to be more Acts of Service oriented whereas American men tend to be more Physical Touch oriented (according to the individuals he has counseled). When I did a project for one of my graduate courses in the fall of 2009, I found that out of the 16 individuals I interviewed, the majority of the male interviewees indicated that Acts of Service were their primary Love Language, while the female interviewees indicated that Words of Affirmation (closely followed by Physical Touch) was their primary L.L. (Oghia, 2010, unpublished manuscript).

Food for Thought:

1. Why do YOU think this is? 
2. What role does culture play in the development of these? 
3. Do you think his categories are applicable to those outside of the US?
4. What do you think your Love Languages are? 
5. Do you think this is something relevant to your life? Let me know!

More information can be found on the website as well as an assessment of your L.L. Also, let me know if you need clarification, or want more information. But just remember: the next time you're fighting, disagreeing, arguing, or just having a miscommunication, think about how you are (or not) speaking to their L.L. Because a lot of times, these arguments are not really about what's at face-value, they are often about more meaningful things that are not discussed in the process of fighting out the issues. Speaking a L.L. to someone else can impart trust, appreciation, admiration, fulfillment, and of course, love, while also helping to fix problems in general with communication. SO, try it; you definitely have nothing to lose!

Spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. Check out the LOVEanon Facebook Page for updates, cool links, and new blog posts!

References:

Chapman, Gary D. 2004. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (New Edition). Northfield Press.

Egbert, Nichole, and Denise Polk. 2006. "Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman’s (1992) Five Love Languages." Communication Research Reports, 23(1): 19-26.

Oghia, Michael J. 2010. "Lebanese Youth Perceptions of Love and Marriage: An Exploratory Study." American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon. Unpublished manuscript.

Stafford, Laura, Marianne Dainton, and Stephen Haas. 2000. "Measuring Routine and Strategic Relational Maintenance: Scale Revision, Sex Versus Gender Roles, and the Prediction of Relational Characteristics." Communication Monographs, 3: 306-323.