A Letter to the Girl I'm Gonna Marry

LOVEanese,

This post marks the 50th post of my blog. Thank you all so much for reading! To mark the celebration of it (and what seems to be everyone I know getting married), I want to diverge from the usual paradigm of LOVEanon. I want to do something for a special someone. I don't necessarily know her (yet), but the title says it all. I want to share with you something I've been writing on napkins and loose paper. A lot of people have asked why I wrote this or what inspired me, and really, it was quite impulsive. But among the many reasons, I just hope it inspires people to believe in love and have that very same thing: hope.

This one's for her. 

***

Good morning Beautiful.

I dream of the day when I can roll over, say those words, and look at you with the ever most tender eyes. Then, as I lie there and stare at you, you'll lethargically hit me with your pillow, and tell me to go back to sleep because there's still 15 minutes until the alarm goes off.

I imagine that's what will happen anyway. Would that be ok? Don't worry, I'd pretend I'm going back to bed, but I'll secretly (or not so secretly) get out of bed just to be able to put the coffee on for you, and wake you up to 100% Arabica instead of an annoying clock.

Would it be ok if I told you I've wanted to do that for as long as I can remember?

Would it be ok if I told you I think about you?

Would it be ok if I told you I really just wish I could hold your hand?

Would it be ok if I told you that I can't wait for the day that you run your fingers through my hair? I hope I still have some when we meet.

And even though I don't know your face, is it ok that I already love you? That I already adore you? 

Sweetheart, do you ever think of me?

Sometimes I'm staring out the window when I'm driving, and I wonder what you're doing. Are you driving too? Where are you going? Maybe you'll tell me one day. About that crazy night you had in some far off place. Or that "Scumbag Steve" that was hitting on you who smelled like cheap cologne, loneliness, and bad decisions.

Don't worry Honey, I don't wear cologne (though, if you were to buy me some you like, I'll take the hint).

I wonder where you are right now. What are you doing? Will you ever read this post? You know, just throwin' this out there, but you should totally read my blog!

Would it be ok if I dream of the day that I get to hold our first child in my arms? And as it stares up at me with your beautiful eyes, I can't help but be overwhelmed by the wonder we've created. And even though you want to kill me for putting you through the pains of labor, with beads of sweat rolling down your face, you see the way I'm looking at this tiny angel, and you can't help but fall in love with me again. "That's him," you say. "That's my guy, the man of my life."

And, Mon Amour, is it ok that I really can't wait to have so much fun with you? Make you laugh? Make you soup when you are sick? Sing to you, serenade you? Buy medicine when you have bad stomach cramps? Tell you how beautiful you are? Show you just how romantic I am capable of being? 

Will you let me take care of you? I know you'll take care of me.

Is it ok that when I think of taking you by the hand, and walking on the shoreline in the sand, under the stars, in the moonlight...

Is it ok that nothing else could make me happier?

Would you ever deny me such happiness?

And tell me Duša Moja, what will you say to me when I tell you that everything I've ever done, every decision I've made, every lesson learned, every place I've gone, my entire life...

What will you say when I tell you it was all for you?

That when someone asks me, "why?" the answer will be a resounding, "you?"

And what will you say when I tell you that all of the libraries on this Earth cannot possibly hold all of the volumes of books that I could write filled with the intricate descriptions of your beauty and my feelings for you?

I can't wait for the day that I can transform hours into ours.
How long must I wait? For you, forever is ok.

And when we live together, side-by-side, hand-in-hand, can kisses be our currency? And hugs our credit?

My Love, I hope you think I'm responsible, that I'm a good lover. That I'm loving enough. Nothing is too much for you.

I hope you think I'm kind and compassionate. Maybe if I'm not, you can help me be better: more positive, more empathetic.

I really hope you think I'm good-looking!

And a good confidant.

Someone who is trustworthy, and loyal, and honest, and respectful of you. Will you let me in? Will you tell me all of your deepest, darkest secrets? Without fear? I will. I'll tell you everything.

And I hope we will root our relationship in love,
Trust,

Openness,

Empathy,

Compassion,

Kindness,

Communication,

Respect,

Companionship,

Humor,

Critical thinking,

Support.

I hope we challenge each other, offer new perspectives. But I also know that when I imagine myself speaking to a crowd, you’ll be right there watching me, filling me with confidence and pride, knowing regardless of how the room responds, you’ll be there for me.

And I will do the same for you. I can’t wait to look at you, see what you’ve accomplished, and say these six words: I am so proud of you.

And one day when we're out celebrating or having a good night, I hope you'll let me hold your hair back if you're drunk and get sick because somehow, for some reason, I think that's more intimate than a blowjob!

And Canım, I hope you think I'm a good man. I try to be. Not just for you, but I want you to be proud of me. I want you to say, "I'm with him," and beam about it. Because that's how I'll feel about you. I can't wait to brag about you to everyone. Say that the best time of the day is 5:00 PM because that's when I get to come home to you.

But I also hope that you know the world, that you've learned to think, and challenge, and live on your own: cook a meal, flirt, buy a plane ticket (or many), understand the system. I hope you've had good sex, and bad sex, and OK sex, and loved, and trusted, and had your heart broken only to be mended by your own strength and growth and development. And known what it's like to be alone as well as known what it's like to feel appreciated; accepted; included. I hope you've voiced your opinions, stood up for what you believe in, argued to the early hours of the morning about the things you are passionate about, thought critically about your thinking. Come to terms with your parents, and love them even for their mistakes. Understood that growing up is a hard thing to do, but know that you can get through it, and have the confidence to still look at the world with a positive attitude, and find peace and happiness.

I hope you think that, although you've gotten this far, imagine what we can do together.

That is why Baby, I miss you, I long for you...

Do you ever miss me? I really miss you, so much. On those nights when I want to slow dance, and no one will accept. No one will dance with me. No one will come into my space, saturated with intimacy, and just sway with me.

I miss you on those days when I need a hug, or love, or when I just feel like crying. I know you'd be there for me. I'd be there for you too.

I miss you when no one laughs at one of my stupid jokes, because I know you always will (even when it's really bad, if anything, just because you want to make me feel good).

I miss you when I'm hurt, when I'm sad. When I have a difficult decision to make, and I need advice, especially when it may be a decision that could affect you one day.

I miss you when I need some reassurance, when I'm contemplating if I've done the right thing. Or when I need someone to put me in my place. Or when I've done something stupid, and I need someone to remind me of how dumb that was – even though you may have been right there beside me doing it as well.

Maybe it's selfish, but I miss you on those lonely nights, when all I want is to hold you. Sometimes they come more often than I'd like.

And I miss you when I think about getting older. I hope you'll still think I'm sexy when I'm old and wrinkly. Don't worry though, honey, I'll go to the gym. Not just for my heart, my health, and the sake of the kids, but just to make sure that you notice me while I'm undressing to get in the shower. And then you'll laugh and blush when I notice you looking, and invite you to join.

Will you?

I know, I know, it depends on if you're late for work, or if the kids are in school...

How much of this is just fantasy in my head? I mean, do you even like coffee!? If not, it's ok. I'll make tea.

Milk or no milk?

Sugar or no sugar?

(I don't like coffee, but I'll always make sure I have some ready if you do).

Whatever the case, I really hope you're happy. God, I'd give anything to make you smile... and I will! My heart? My trust? My love, my affection? My whole life? No problem. It's yours.

I just hope at this very moment you're smiling, no matter where you are.

And, Draga, if you're dating someone right now, I hope he's nice and good to you, treats you well. But I hope he's not too nice, because then you won't date me! Ok, just kidding, but really, I hope you just realize he isn't right for you (because OBVIOUSLY, I am).

But all kidding aside, I hope you aren't pained. I hope you haven't been hurt. I mean, we've all been hurt, but I hope those scars from your past – from parents, or lovers, or friends, or siblings, or anyone or anything else, I hope they don't cause you anguish. I want you to laugh and smile, and love the wonder of the world.

I want you to know you are loved!

Will you let me love you? Will you rest your tired head on my shoulder? Will you let me be there for you? I will be, just ask. 

My dear, I don't know if I'll find you, or if you'll find me. I have no idea what continent that we'll be on either. Or if it will be any time soon. But that's ok. I just really hope you like...no, love my friends. I really love them. And I feel like they already know about you (don't worry, no pressure! Just be yourself, they'll love you).

And since we're on the topic, I really hope you love my mom. I really love her, and I want you two to be best friends. I've always imagined you and her talking about me – perhaps in French, or Arabic, or even just English – and then laughing together. And then when I come and ask, "What's going on? What's so funny?" you both end up laughing even more. She'll become one of your best friends, she'll love you so much, and be the complete opposite of the "monster mother-in-law."

And if it's not too much to ask, I really want you to love my dad too. He's such a loving man (I know, I'm really lucky!). Huge heart. Great father. You'll love him! And, of course, my sister. If you don't get her approval, we'll have a problem. But I'm not too worried. She wants me to be happy, but just don't get offended if she tells you exactly what's on her mind. And then, of course, is my crazy brother. Who, beneath the rather crass veneer, is a man that has always looked out for me, even in the strangest of ways. We'll always find something to laugh about, and I hope you join in.

And, well, can you love the rest of my family as well? Because they're pretty awesome. Especially my cousins – all of them, they are wonderful! I can't wait to introduce you to them – the ones in Lebanon, in California, in New York.

I also hope it's ok with you that I'm very touchy-feely. What can I say, can a guy not love hugs? And cuddling? And everything in-between?  It's one of my Love Languages. I hope you love hugs too. If not, we might have a problem. But then again, I'm sure there's nothing we can't accomplish – together. No problem we can't solve, no crisis we can't fix. As long as we have each other, right? In this life or the next.

FYI: I love talking about my feelings. A lot. I hope that's ok too. And I want to tell you all the time how much I love you, and how beautiful I think you are, and how you do that cool thing with your eye make-up sometimes, or just compliment you all the time because I love making you feel great about yourself and seeing you smile. Words is another one of my Love Languages (guilty).

And you know all those cheesy poems I've written? One day, they'll all be for you too.

You know, all my friends joke with me about how much of a romantic I am. I don't think they ever really get it. I don't think they can fathom just how much I am. I want to be though; I want them to see it. I want them to really understand. And I hope you love and appreciate me for that. Because, in the end, you're all that matters when it comes to this. I mean, who else should I be romantic with? I often say I'm a "hopeful romantic." Well, you're the hope part.

Ya Albi, I can't wait to meet you. Maybe I already have, but either way, I can't wait to pick up flowers for you on my way home from work, and leave them on your pillow. Or pick you up, and kiss you. Or make your favorite food, or always keep the toilet seat down for you, or buy more toilet paper when you call me frantically telling me we need it. And diapers too. Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll get milk as well. We always need milk. And if we disagree between whole and skim, can we just compromise at 2%? I'm ok with that, but I won't press my luck.

I can't wait to do all those scandalous things I shouldn't do now. Like sexting you! I think when you're married, it goes from creepy to cute and romantic. Right? Ok, maybe that's just me. We can talk about that too.

I wonder what language(s) you speak.

I wonder what your favorite pair of shoes are.

I wonder what your hopes and dreams are.

Habibi, I talk too much, I apologize. But I just want to tell you this: I'm sure one day you will read this. I just hope you get to know me. I want you to understand me. I know that takes time, but I want you to know that I can't wait to fall in love with you. I dream of this moment. Imagine every second. I think of the day that I can ask you to share your life with me. Take my hand, and walk with me, beside me through life.

Can I tell you a secret? Do you know that I've already started writing what I want to say to you when I propose? Do you know that I'll never, ever share it with anyone but you?

My angel,
My savior,
My beauty,
My First Lady,
My soul,
My queen.

One day we will lock eyes, and everything in this world will make sense. And I will ask you about love. And life. And where you've been, and where you are going. And I will want to know about you, and wonder if I can come with you, accompany you on this journey. Be your first mate, your co-pilot.

Until then, I'll be waiting. Living my life, learning new things, seeing new places, meeting new people. But waiting... waiting for you. To give you everything.

Hayeto, please smile for me. Love life, I'll see you someday.

With all the love I already have for you, and SO much more,

Your best friend,
Your lover,
Your partner(-in-crime),
Your soul-sharer,
Your knight in shining armor,
Your life,

-Michael

P.S. If I have a dog when we meet, I really hope you love him/her too. Cat person? No problem, I promise to love your cat (I just hope he/she likes me).

John Steinbeck on Falling in Love: A 1958 Letter to His Son

"If you are in love--that's a good thing--that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you...if it is right, it happens--the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away...the object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it."

Good morning LOVEanese! I'm off today, so it's the perfect time to blog. This one's going to be a quick one, I just wanted to share something I found on Brain Pickings about the noted American author, Pulitzer Prize winner, and Noble laureate, John Steinbeck (1902-1968). Best known for his novels, The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, and East of Eden, he also had much to say about love--and what beautiful words he weaved together too.

Just check out the 'stash too!

I just want to post a beautiful letter he wrote in response to his oldest son Thom's 1958 letter to him. As Brain Pickings author, Maria Popova, writes, "In the letter, Thom--a teenage boy--confesses to have fallen desperately in love with a girl named Susan while at boarding school. Steinbeck’s words of wisdom--tender, optimistic, timeless, infinitely sagacious--should be etched onto the heart and mind of every living, breathing human being."

So, what exactly did John Steinbeck say in reply? Here's a transcript of his response letter:

New York
November 10, 1958 

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point-of-view and, of course, Elaine will from hers. 

First--if you are in love--that's a good thing--that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second--there are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you--of kindness and consideration and respect--not only the social respect of manners, but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak, but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness, and even wisdom you didn't know you had. 

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply--of course it isn't puppy love. 

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it--and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it. 

If you love someone--there is no possible harm in saying so--only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another--but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it. 

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too, and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens--the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. 

Love,
Fa

Beautiful words indeed--although the one thing I will disagree with is that (at least in today's time), there can be consequences for professing your love as I have detailed here and here. But I do like how he describes the different types of love; how wise and true this is, even now! Times change, however, and although his words are timeless, inspiring, and beautiful, I only wonder what he would say now about love in the world or how he would respond to his child's quandary about love today in world saturated with a fear of intimacy, selfish love that he warned about, and the lessened importance and frequency of face-to-face communication (and the harms that follow, especially for teens). Perhaps the best thing we can do is learn from his wisdom, and take his words to heart.

In the meantime, no matter where you are in the world, have a happy Friday, and a good weekend!

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Dating in the 21st Century, Pt. 3: The "Rules of Dating" and Some Date Ideas

Marhaba LOVEanese! As I promised, I want to present to you the third and final installment of the Dating in the 21st Century series (you can read the first part here where I talk about the "end of courtship," and the second part here where I discuss exactly what a date actually is). In this part, I want to do two things:

1. Present some findings from my thesis about the "rules of dating" in Lebanon from the perspective of my interviewees. They were very insightful, and I think many people will be able to identify with their responses (regardless if you're in Lebanon, the larger Arab world and Middle East, India and South Asia, or other places). 

2. Give some suggestions for where to go on dates in Lebanon and in Louisville. I covered it a bit in my last post, but I just want to put the information out there in case you're looking for good places.

Before I get into this, however, there is some news to share and there's numerous links that I first want to highlight. First and foremost, some really exciting news, my MA thesis was published on ProQuest! You can find it here. Now, if anyone wants to find it through their university libraries or through Google Scholar, you can. It's also available through the AUB Scholar Works. So, it's definitely good news. If you cannot access it, I am always willing to provide you with a copy. You can get one here. 

For the links I wanted to share, separate from this topic, this article is a really cool analysis of love as an emotion. I really suggest you read it!

Another is related to love in India. It's called the "Indian Business of Love," and although it's not a very thorough article, it's nice that it's being incorporated into the public discourse.

In Lebanon, a recent phenomenon that's taken Facebook by storm are the pages for AUB, LAU, and USJ Crushes. A few days ago, it was featured in a Daily Star article. Although it's an interesting twist on discussing attraction and relationships. it's also really sad that people have to resort to anonymously telling their crushes via Facebook that they like them. Is it because they can't talk to them for social or religious reasons (like outside of my sect)? Or are they just cowardly? What does it really accomplish, does it make a difference? I think a lot of people have much emotion built up, but don't feel they can ever actualize it. Perhaps I'm approaching this from a different angle. For me, I'm already well-informed of how difficult dating can be for the average Lebanese person, in part because of the multiple barriers and conditions for it. So, I look at things like this and think it's just another way for people to voice their frustrations, but never really take action about it. I get frustrated by the lack of power youth have when it comes to relationships. I just see this as further exacerbating the overarching problem of inaction. What do you think? I'd love your thoughts, so please share them below.

Apparently this is half of Hamra

Some additional links I wanted to point out related to dating are the following:

1. A Million First Dates - How online dating is challenging monogamy and the entire dating/courtship model, in part, by providing unlimited access to new, potential partners.

2. Ten Things You Didn't Know About Single Americans - Interesting research out of the US about singles. 

3. Want Love? Don't Date - A blog post all about being friends first and then moving into a relationship (not always easy, however).

4. How Technology Has Changed Romance - Great quote that sums up the article, "In the digital age, technology isn't killing courtship. But for many young couples, it's redefining what romance looks like."

5. The End of Dating? - A Huffington Post Live discussion.

6. Why It's Really Possible to Fall in Love Online - It's about the dynamics behind online communication and why romance can easily be fostered through computer-mediated communication.

7. The Search Engine of Love: How Long Do You Need to Spot True Love? - Another article about love and technology, and about how technology is helping us make up our minds faster about whether or not we're attracted to someone--but it's not always a good thing.

8. Women in their 20's Shouldn't Feel Bad For Wanting a Boyfriend - Exactly what it sounds like. I'm actually fairly tired of these articles because it should actually read, "White, American, Urban, Middle/Upper-Middle-Class Educated Women in their 20s." Is it really applicable to others? Even if it is, their examples are always specific to these individuals. Demographics aren't often taken into account when generalizations they make are made. But, I will say that as things continue to change in the Middle East, I think this will become increasingly more pertinent.

OK! Getting to what I really want to talk about... let's start out with the rules of dating. I'm focusing specifically here on rules of dating in Lebanon. Honestly, I don't have a formula for what the rules of dating are, especially a broad construction. Quite simply, these rules vary from culture-to-culture and society-to-society. However, in the case of my thesis and building on Farhood’s (2009) work, I explored what the rules of dating in Lebanon are, and if the rules are clear to the interviewees. Reinforcing the subjectivity of these "rules," many of them focused on the process of entering a relationship while others focused on the norms and conditions governing romantic relationships and dating.

Regarding the clarity of the rules of dating, seven of the interviewees responded they are clear, but each of them had different perceptions of what those rules are. For instance, Michel--a 19 year-old junior--expressed, "Oh wow, it's complicated, annoying, superficial--it's just sad really. Definitely no sex!" For him, the rules are clear, "but [they] aren't explained. They just happen, and you pick up on them; learn them indirectly." May--a 19 year-old sophomore--was not sure if she could explain the rules. Instead, she emphasized how the rules of dating are subjective, but there are some expectations such as dating among certain families, and within faith and sect--which are often contradictory. "[My grandparents] expect me to date within the same sect, [but] my mom, however, is more open-minded." Additionally, Shireen--a 20-year old junior--emphasized the difference between geographic locations and places: 

"It's very different between Syria, Lebanon, and AUB. In Syria, it really depends on your social/family's background and class. Also, on your parents and what schools you attend. In Lebanon, I am very free. There's no family friends or connections. In AUB, it's whatever; it's open."

Tamara--a 21-year old junior--and Tarek--a 24-year old senior--reflected this as well. Like Shireen, the rules were not clear to Tamara either, but she insisted: 

"[It] depends on where you're from. Living in Beirut, for instance, it's easier. The farther you go, the more conservative it is. So, it's different. Beirut is more liberal. Tripoli, for instance, is more conservative, so dating is more unlikely than being engaged or married."

Tarek replied the rules are clear "to a certain extent, but are hard to describe," according to him: 

"AUB is not a good sample of Lebanon or the Arab world. It's not constrained by many rules. It's hard to pinpoint them, but we know where to draw the line on certain behavior. Rules equal norms. I know I'm staying within the rules because of other people's reactions."

When asked about the rules of dating, Tanya--a 19-year old junior--quickly replied, "In terms of what? Arabs have such a different way of viewing relationships, one that's different from the West's, different from how they are." She highlighted how "society doesn't expect the couple to be too "lovey-dovey," especially in public. There are a lot of underlying rules." However, when it comes to the rules she follows, "There aren't many from our society to obey, maybe just not PDA. But otherwise, there's nothing else I feel I have to do or follow. I don’t owe society more than that."

Three others also specified the rules are clear to them because they create their own. Lama--an 18-year old freshman--explained how, while the rules were clear to her and not necessarily to other people, "My own rules supersede social rules." Shireen also reflected this, stating, "Many of the rules are culturally inflicted. But I make my own rules. I get them from society, but I observe myself, other people, and my own relationships." Zayna--a 20-year old senior--also makes her own rules, and contrasts them to society's rules and the established processes of dating. These rules include, "They take my BlackBerry PIN, talk on Facebook, go out with a group of friends a few times, then you ease your way in." But her rules are "meet someone, be attracted to them, and connect with them."

Like Zayna, Sara--a 25-year old senior--mentioned similar things about the established process of dating and courtship. "I don’t really have [rules], but there are social rules. There’s a social "game." For instance, you have to go for someone, but you can't make it obvious." Although she confessed her and her fiancé make fun of the rules, she does "respect the basic structural rules like no abuse or disrespect. My interpretation [of the rules] is different, and the basic rules are unclear."

Joanne--a 19–year old sophomore--was open about explaining the contradictions that come with the dating process. While she indicated it "begins in the "typical Western model" where the girl likes the guy," being from good social stature, the same sect, being able to support a girl, having a future, and not just being physically attracted is important according to society. In her perspective, the rules are clear on the social level because "there are set rules. There are boundaries you shouldn't cross, like no sex before marriage and don't do anything to tarnish your reputation." Moreover, she was quick to affirm causal relationships are not common in Lebanon, but only serious relationships. "Even if you are thinking of getting married or aren't going to get married, [they] still need certain prerequisites, certain criteria/features, and they need to fit a certain mold. It shows they are serious." She continued, expressing, "Attracting the other sex is an entirely different game, and there are many other rules for that."

All of the other interviewees did not think the rules were clear, but they were ambiguous and confusing. Five of the interviewees stressed the subjective nature of the rules of dating. When Tamara was asked if the rules are clear, for instance, she replied, "No of course not. If they were, I'd be getting guys left and right. The rules are subjective to the people." Moreover, for Raja--a 22-year old graduate--the rules are not clear because they are "very diverse, subjective, and there's no standard criteria." Additionally, according to Mohammad--a 19-year old sophomore, "There are no rules of dating. It's different depending on the person's religion." Expanding Mohammad's perspective, Najwa--a 21-year old senior--replied:

"It's different. [The rules] depends on their demographics: class, location, sect. My parents are different than the rest of the culture, and most AUB students are as well. These rules aren't clear to me, but they aren't clear to anyone. There are never set rules for something like dating. Everyone pretends it's known, but really, it isn't."

Noura--a 20-year old senior--felt a similar way. "Whose rules? Every relationship has different rules. You make them. I don't believe there are rules for a relationship. There's right and wrong, the way we perceive those is different from person–to–person though." She did express there are certain social rules everyone generally follows, such as no PDA (public displays of affection), and it "depends on the environment you live in."

Furthermore, some interviewees--both male and female--commented on the gender differences for the rules of dating. In Najwa's opinion, "There is a big discrepancy in the rules between men and women." Munira--a 19-year old sophomore--elaborated, "Guys expect girls to be weak and need protection. Girls look for a protector, not a partner," but affirmed she neither does this, nor approves of it. Maya--an 18-year old sophomore--also discussed the gender difference and her perceived mistake in courting a man. "What do you mean "rules?" You meet someone through classes or friends. Girls expect guys to make the first moves." She then explained how a male friend recently hurt her feelings by rejecting her because she had courted him. "If I had behaved more appropriately, I wouldn't have had my heart broken." 

Moreover, Rana--a 21-year old senior--and Rami--a 23–year old graduate--had much to say about how rules affect individuals and where they learn these rules. Dating, according to Rami, "is a long, dedicated process." He indicated: 

"You have to be in it for the long haul. It also means you're courting one person. [For me, it's a] combination of Western and traditional Lebanese models. [Rules] must be affected though by pop culture like movies and TV, and what my parents expect and how my friends perceive things."

Rana expressed many sentiments about the rules of dating as well, reflecting how different individuals and groups affect the norms that govern dating:

"My friend was trying to write an article here at AUB on the dating rules titled "Ten Rules for Dating in Lebanon." She enlisted my help, but we just couldn't do it. We didn't know what to say. There's no solid approach, very different among so many things like communities, personalities, groups. [It's] very subjective, and differs from person-to-person. It's confusing for everyone in Lebanon. It depends if parents dictate something. [If they do,] you respect them and you have to follow what they say. But at the same time, you want space for your own personality, to do your own thing. Confusion comes from what you have to be for yourself, your parents, and your community/society. These each operate by different sets of rules, so there's a clash of interests and thoughts, which makes dating confusing. You have to ask: "what do I feel?" "what do they feel?" and "what does he feel?""

When considering whom the interviews discuss the rules of dating with, they indicated their parents and their friends. Almost all of the interviewees responded they would or do talk to their friends about the rules of dating. "Of course [I talk about them] with friends. It's a very common topic, especially when there's nothing to talk about," replied Shireen. Many also look to these individuals to give advice. For instance, Tamara reinforced that friends offer advice, opinions, and feedback. Raja also turns to his friends, but mostly "to get their opinions and perspectives."

Joanne was quick to point out the differences between talking with friends and parents. "Two different sets of rules [exist] between parents and friends," she said. "With my friends, I can be open, be myself, say what I want, and be more honest. With my parents, I have to say what they want to hear. I have to be more conforming, at least in my words."

The amount of the interviewees who talk about the rules of dating with their parents is more evenly split. Some of them responded they had talked and learned about the rules of dating directly from their parents. Others indicated their parents had talked with them about it indirectly, but casually learn the rules of dating from society and their own experiences instead. For Maya--an 18-year old sophomore--she does not talk about it with her mother, but her mom still imparts certain rules upon her. Maya's mother told her, "If you want to be with someone, be serious and think long-term." According to Maya, her mother also conditioned her with expectations such as a potential boyfriend should be Syrian, from the same religion, and from the same background. "I can’t date to have fun, which is what many at AUB do," replied Maya. On the other hand, Hassan--a 19-year old junior--does not talk about dating with his mother, but prefers his cousin instead. "Mom has never given me the relationship talk. I talk about relationships with my cousin. I learn from her. Most of my knowledge comes from how she’s conducted her relationships."

Many of the individuals who did not talk about the rules of dating with their parents indicated it was because there was a generational gap or because they were "old-fashioned." "I never, ever talk about it with my parents. They are old-fashioned," replied Munira. Rami was quick to point out that his parents are not necessarily "old–fashioned" or closed-minded, but there is a generational gap between them and their parents. And according to him, "I'm caught in-between my parents and grandparents." Zayna and Michel, however, indicated there was a clear generational gap between them and their parents specifically. In Zayna’s words, although she doesn't talk to her parents about the rules of dating, "I could, but their input isn't valuable because of the generational gap. They wouldn't connect with me, but I know they are still there for me." Michel was less optimistic, however. For him:  

"I don't talk about dating with my parents because there's a generation gap. Not much has changed about the perspectives of dating here. There's still blind dates and arranged marriages. Tension exists between how dating should happen, and the differences between us."

Overall, there was little consensus as to what the rules were in general--as they identified different communities, families, and social environments teach different rules--however, some broad understanding does exist. For instance, dating is not the same as being in a relationship, gender roles within dating are clearly established--dictating a man is expected to pursue a woman--and many think it is prudent to avoid places where they could come across individuals their family knows. Moreover, behavior or actions such as abuse, disrespect, hurtful treatment excessive public displays of affection (PDA), and sex before marriage were collectively considered inappropriate as mandated by both the overarching social environment and their cultural backgrounds. Many of them also collectively identified differences between certain social environments--particularly that of Lebanon versus AUB--indicating Beirut was a more liberal and open-minded place, and AUB was a safe zone, free from the watchful eyes of family and members of their respective communities. As this indicates, the participants select whom they tell about their relationships and discuss dating with, and control the information about their personal lives that is publicly disclosed.

I know that was a lot to read, so here's some cute bunnies kissing.

So, what do you think? Can you identify with their sentiments? What about if you aren't in Beirut, Lebanon, or the Middle East? Do you relate?

Well, in case you can, especially if you're in Lebanon or my hometown of Louisville, I want to suggest some things to do/places to go if you 1. believe in dating, 2. understand what a date is, and 3. have navigated the rules of dating enough to have a fairly solid idea of what to do. I'm not in a position to coach anyone on how to go on a date or what to do exactly (just treat each other nicely and respectfully, be genuinely interested in the other person, ask good questions, and above all, have fun!). Additionally, I've blogged about fun date ideas in the past, and there's some good links with ideas, one from Thought Catalog, and another from this site. Additionally, this site has a list of 365 ideas to take from. Check them out!

For Louisville and Lebanon, here's some ideas:

Louisville: There's all kinds of things to do with someone ranging from restaurants and bars to local farms, bourbon distilleries, horse races, and park picnics.

First of all, let's start with restaurants. In case you aren't familiar with Louisville Originals, check out the website. It's a group of locally owned restaurants, and all of the locations are great (especially Bristol and Uptown Cafe on Bardstown Rd. and Baxter Avenue Station).

You can check out their numbers here:

There's so many other restaurants though! Come Back Inn is one of my favorites, as is Amicí, Old Spaghetti Factory, and Toast. Not to mention Ermins, Hammerheads, Proof, Smoketown USA (if they're into BBQ, it's some of the best in Louisville), Sergios, Four Pegs, Grape Leaf, Highland Morning, Eiderdown, Saffrons, Ramzi's, Molly Malones, and Havana Rumba. The list is practically endless! Just go exploring in St. Matthews, Frankfort Avenue, Bardstown Rd./Baxter Ave., Old Louisville, or Downtown. In downtown, for instance, There's plenty to see: NuLu, the Belvedere, Waterfront Park, Glassworks (you can watch glass being made), the Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts (take them to a play/musical/show!).

I also suggest thinking of all the museums in Louisville, like those on Museum Row on Main (Science Center, Slugger Museum, Muhammad Ali Center, etc.). Also, here's a list of all the museums in Louisville.

And for the arts fans, aside from the aforementioned, there's the Speed Art Museum (after it's remolded), and the Thrust Theater/the Playhouse, all at UofL. UofL's music schools puts on free shows and concerts all the time, and the Theater Arts department makes their ticket prices incredibly reasonable (and all proceeds support the show, arts, and the department).

If you're into sports, just go to a UofL sports game or to a Bats baseball game at Slugger Field.

Another idea is to visit one of Louisville numerous beautiful parks. Have a picnic, go biking, walk your dogs! 

Across the river, you can check out Schimpffs Candy Confectionery, one of the oldest businesses in the U.S. Then head to Huber's farm, restaurant, and winery (especially in the fall).

If you're 21+, take a weekend and go explore the Bourbon Trail. It's awesome, and only a short distance from Louisville. Additionally, you can go to Churchill Downs (Downs After Dark anyone?).

I think you get it, there's plenty to do. And I'm sure I've missed a lot (e.g., Derby, Thunder, etc.). Feel free to add you own date ideas Louisvillians!

P.S. Go Cards!

Lebanon: If you're in Lebanon, you're going to find coming up with fun date ideas is a bit trickier. There's a lot of restaurants in Beirut and throughout the country (here's a listing for some), many more than I know about. Of course, there's the basics (bars in Hamra, Monot, Gemmayze, and Mar Mikhail in Beirut (a listing here)), and the various beach clubs (you can find a listing here). Aside from the other basics (skiing/snowball fights in Faraya, day trips to Tyre, Byblos, Sidon, Baalbek, B'charre, Beiteddine, Nabatiye, etc.), there are a few things I can recommend. One is to visit the Vinefest when it comes around the fall.

Along that idea, check out the various wineries (like Ksara, Kefraya, Batroun Mountains, etc.) to see if they can schedule a tour. One of the ones I really like that I highly recommend, though, is Chateau Belle Vue. They have a beautiful restaurant with fireplaces, and will give personal tours. All you have to do is call ahead and make an appointment/reservation.

Just get in the car, and drive around. Explore the beauty that is Lebanon!

If you want more suggestions, just send me a message or leave a comment, and I'll try to come up with more. Just try, and be creative.

I know it's been a longer-than-usual post, but I hope it resonates with you. I'm looking forward to comments you have, and as this is the last of the series, I hope it gives you a bit more direction vis-a-vis dating, and that you find these suggestions helpful. Just remember too that you should be getting to know the person and having fun!

Let me know how it goes, and good luck!

Spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

References:

Farhood, Diana N. 2009. Family, Culture, and Decisions: A Look Into the Experiences of  University Students in Lebanon. Unpublished master’s thesis. American University of Beirut: Beirut, Lebanon.

"Friend Zoned" in the Daily Star: The Complete Interview

Saba7o LOVEanese! I hope everyone's doing ok, I have a lot planned for the next few months. I'm just finding it hard to find time to blog to be honest. I get home late from work, and I just want to lay around. So, I'll try and stay on schedule. For instance, I've been meaning to write part three of my Dating in the 21st-Century series (parts 1 and 2 here and here, respectively), and I assure you, it's coming soon! But in the meantime, let me just leave you with another quick post.

Recently, a friend wrote an article for the Daily Star about the "friend zone." Knowing that I've covered the friend zone in this article as well as this one, she asked me for an interview (they should really just give me a column and pay me already). Given that the friend zone has it's own Wikipedia page, it's definitely something relevant to many people.

If anyone actually gets this joke, you have my eternal admiration

However, there's a lot to the "friend zone" that I think is worth mentioning. I corresponded with her over e-mail about my perspectives about this. Here's what we discussed:

"Why do you think the FZ is such a problem for so many people? Comfort? Shyness? Fear of the unknown? Other reasons?"

Me: "Ok, so let's just clear up something up. First of all, even the term "friend zone" is contentious because it's ultimately a verbal prophylactic for avoiding hurt, intimacy, and awkwardness. I've actually blogged about the friend zone before as well as whether or not men and women could "really be friends." There's some great commentary there, but to answer your question, it really goes back to rejection. No one wants to be rejected, and no one wants to feel bad about rejecting. Sometimes you like someone as a person, but just aren't attracted to them. It's a lot easier to deal with if you're the person who is desired, though."


"How common do you think it is?"

Me: "I think it's quite common. And especially as the way that dating has started to change and the Internet has allowed for new spaces of personal engagement, I think people get close to others in new ways but don't necessarily create attraction. In these cases, if intimacy is generated, it can lead to "friendship," but could also lead to liking someone as more than a friend."


"How is it different in Lebanon? What about the rest of the region?"

Me: "I'm not sure it is necessarily different in Lebanon than other places. In many parts of the region, men and women can't even BE friends, much less talk to each other outside of family gatherings. So, I can't speak for other places. I know that in Jordan, the Internet is often used as a place for individuals to meet and court (Kaya, 2009). However, in Lebanon, men and women can speak together much more openly. But because of the pressures that society, family, and others place on marriage, I think that it can make some people feel like if they meet someone they like a lot who is also compatible with their religious or social background, they HAVE to go for them! If they do and get rejected, they could feel really down about their prospects. So, it isn't a funny thing—it does have very real consequences and effects."

 
"When and how do you think someone should reveal their feelings to their BFF?"

Me: "That’s a great question. I'm not even sure if there really is any research on this topic (e.g., moving from an intimate relationship to a romantic one). But I think part of the way to deal with these feelings and the fear of the unknown for revealing feelings to someone you are close with are the following: 

1. Be honest with yourself. Are you friends with this person because you really like them? Or is it only because you feel attracted to them? I think your own sincerity is the first step to reflect on. 

2. How have your conversations about relationships gone in the past? Do they flirt with you? Do they talk about the opposite sex with you? Generally speaking, even if you're friends, if they are talking to you about their romantic exploits, chances are you are just a friend for them and they just like you as a friend. You just need to be aware of the signals they give. If you touch their hand, do they touch yours? Do they do really sweet things for you, even without you asking? Also, how much time have you spent with them in person? People are often quite different online than in person. If you really like someone but haven't really spent time with them face-to-face, that could be an issue because it's easy to romanticize a person from afar.

3. If you decide you do want to reveal your feelings, then you just need to be prepared to hear that they may not feel the same way. And then accept it. If you really care about them, you want them to be happy. You aren't obligated to receive their love just because you are nice and sweet to them. But they should also respect you and your feelings as well. This of course is the ideal situation, and I'm sure many people have very different experiences with it."


"What is your experience with the FZ?"

Me: "I've definitely been "friend zoned," but also "friend zoned" others. My experience, though, in the past was very much one governed not by rationality or real concern for the other, but was really driven by my own feelings and my own desires. I definitely think men and women can be just friends, but it's not necessarily easy."


"How does someone get out of it without messing up their friendship?"

Me: Not sure you can. Again, take into consideration what they want, and respect their decisions. If they don’t want a relationship, if you don't think it’s possible, do you really care about them? If so, can you be just friends? I often think many of these kinds of personal relationships are really fueled more by lust and attraction than by real love.


"Who do you think suffers the most from being in the FZ? Men or women? Why? And any other anecdotes or anything else you'd like people to know on the subject would be great."

Me: "That’s a great question as well. Of course, my experiences are biased towards men suffering more. But really, it's quite even. In the Arab world in general, I think women tend to suffer more, in general. I'm thinking here of the 29 year-old woman (for instance) who really likes her friend, but he doesn't want to be with her romantically. She’s under a lot more pressure than he is."


That's it for now! Stay tuned for some great content coming up over the next few weeks. And of course, thank you so much for reading!

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA 

Update: So, when I mentioned that the "Friend Zone" term is contentious, I wasn't kidding. In an article titled, "The 'Girlfriend Zone' Flips the 'Friend Zone' Myth on Its Head," it tackles some of the contentious issues with it, and also directly challenges the entire notion--including the victimization status that is often attributed to the person being rejected or ignored. It has some really good insights and arguments, and is well worth the read! 

References:

Kaya, Laura Pearl. 2009. "Dating in a Sexually Segregated Society: Embodied Practices of Online Romance in Irbid, Jordan." Anthropological Quarterly, 82(1): 251-278.

P.S. A fun Cyanide and Happiness comic for you:

 

P.P.S. It's a bit funny to me that Michael Bublé could have any woman he wants (well, in theory, he's married now), yet he constantly sings about being in the friend zone: