Dating in the 21st Century, Pt. 1: The End of Courtship?

Marhaba LOVEanese! I'm really excited to write this post because I feel like it's the perfect time. Before I get into it, I have MUCH news and many things I want to bring to your attention. This is going to be a bit longer of a post, but there's just so much to say.

The first is this article. It's all about the "academic paywall," which is basically the way that publishers keep the general public out of academic/industry research. I'm bringing it up simply because I often link to online journals. After I read this article, I realized that if many of you want to read one and aren't currently affiliated with a university, you can't access them. So, in the future, if anyone wants an article, just let me know, and I'll send it to you. After all, I'm a firm believer in open-access research!

The second interesting article I wanted to highlight was a show from Al-Jazeera's "The Stream" entitled: All The Single Ladies. It's discussing how changing attitudes regarding work, individualization, marriage, and of course, love are affecting women in China, India, and other parts of Asia specifically (Hmm, that sounds familiar...). Here's the synopsis of the program: "Is it okay to pursue your own path in life--even if it means bringing major disappointment to your family? As the middle class grows in China and India, more women are choosing to delay marriage and children. Instead, they're pursuing their futures independently, devoting themselves to a lifestyle that is not necessarily husband- and kid-friendly. What is the 'right' thing to do?." It's linked above via YouTube, so anyone should be able to watch it too! 

Just hope the "right thing" doesn't involve the "Precious."

Lastly, in case you haven't already heard, I have some BIG news. In fact, I have A LOT of big news!

For one, on February 13th, in lieu of Valentine's Day, I gave a presentation at the premiere 2013 Global Nights event of the World Affairs Council of Kentucky and Southern Indiana. It was all about my thesis research, and was a wonderful opportunity to connect my life in Lebanon with my life in Louisville. Moreover, I was the keynote, so I got to spend over 30 minutes discussing it! It was received very well, and everyone seemed to enjoy it. There was a fairly large audience, and they asked great questions. And although it wasn't taped, I was really thankful and grateful for the opportunity!

Presentation advertisement

Aside from that, there is actually bigger news. After more than six months of looking, I finally got a job! This, however, is not the biggest news. The biggest news is that it's in Bangalore, and I'm moving to India! As of this Saturday (Feb. 23) when I fly out with a one-way ticket, I'll be wishing good-bye to America once again, and starting a new chapter of my life. I can't describe how exciting this is, and I know that my time in Lebanon has definitely prepared me for this. However, I am also happy that I got to spend the time back in Kentucky that I have. For many reasons too. Getting to spend time with my parents, reconnecting with old friends, strengthening those friendships, moving on, getting over fears, overcoming, reflecting after six long and tough years working on my formal education. It's definitely been wonderful for my personal, physical, and emotional well-being, and given me much time to decompress, reflect, and learn. But now the time is right to move-on from this lesson in life!

As far as the job goes, I'll be building a project whose aim is to foster critical thinking and more effective dialogue. So, I'll be working with activists, conducting research, performing outreach, working with/in schools, doing a lot with social media, grant writing, networking with organizations and people, etc. Basically, it's perfect for me! The organization is called Meta-Culture. You can read more about the organization here, and more about what I'll be doing here.

As far as the blog goes, no worries! I still plan on blogging, and may I remind you that India is the land of the Kama Sutra. Maybe I'll learn a few things about love(in) after all ;) And when I'm there, I'll be sure to blog and tweet about it. In fact, I've already formulated the Twitter hashtag (#) I'm going to use to talk about all things related to love, relationships, etc. in India: #INDAmacy. It may not be as catchy as #LOVEanon, but it's the only thing I could come up with that incorporated India with a word related to personal relationships! I'll use it, for instance, when I'm talking about increasing amounts of Indian women going to work and challenging gender roles and norms, or how, like in the Arab world, social constraints mean having to balance marrying for love with family and social approval. 

My heart's about to be colored orange, white, and green (obviously from the curry).

Now, onto the post. I actually thought about entitling it, "Dating in the 21st-Century: Huge Pain in the Ass." But decided it would be a bad idea. Why do I think-up this topic? Well, a few weeks ago, someone messaged me a quote that I found interesting (and true), so I posted this status on the LOVEanon Facebook Page as well as my own personal Fb page:

"Dating in the 21st century is by far one of the most ridiculous processes ever. People are so complicated. You must play games. You must lie. You have to act like you don't care even if you do. You must date multiple people to keep the attention of that one because it's generally just casual. You must be unavailable if you are too available people get turned off. You have to ignore calls even if you want to pick up. Essentially if you are a true lover, you have to resist everything that comes natural to you to play this f**king "game" you f**king idiots love to play. It changes everything for me to pretend like I don't care. I actually stop giving a f**k." -- Quote from Tumblr.

Although the LOVEanon Facebook Page post didn't get much interaction, I was blown away by the amount of people who commented on this status on my personal page, and by the different opinions and sentiment it seemed to evoke. It made me think a bit about dating, and then I saw this New York Times article a few days later: The End of Courtship? Now, you know how the Internet works. Something gets discussed for anywhere between 5 minutes to 2 days, and then is forgotten about forever. I didn't want this post to emerge out of hype or some stupid fad. I wanted to give it attention because I've been thinking about dating a lot recently.

Indeed, it seems that dating has lost a lot of it's flair. Now, some people think this is a good thing, others think it's a bad thing. I'm not here to make a judgement one way or another, but I have heard from many different people about this, and as I said, people have strong opinions about it. Regarding the NYT piece above, one friend of a friend said: "This article has such a narrow, mostly white yuppie perspective, and the people profiled sound absurd. If you are 30 and you want to act like a 15-year-old and not demand more than a text message from the guy you're interested in, that's your own damn problem. Technology and online dating apps don't make it more difficult to find meaningful relationships. You bring your values, your desires, and your preferences to them, and it's up to you to be an adult and be clear about what you want in your life, romantic and otherwise. With or without OkCupid."

After the NYT article was published, a Huffington Post Women associate editor named Emma Gray wrote a rebuttal article entitled: "Why It's Kind Of Irrelevant Whether 'Courtship' Has Ended." It was a good perspective, but I'm always 50/50 about articles like these. Because I understand what she's saying, and I partially agree. But I'm also perhaps a bit "old-fashioned" still. I definitely do think that there is room to incorporate change into dating, but I seriously think that most people set themselves up for either failure or shallow relationships. And that's what I have a problem with. Yes, enjoy your life, but when it comes down to it, don't forget that if you want kids, your life and your decisions effects theirs. Then again, perhaps that's too much of my own opinion. Consideration is a great thing, and important in all aspects of life--including (or rather, especially) dating. 

What about you, how do you feel? Do you agree? What's your opinion about the article and the Tumblr quote? I'm curious to think whether you think changes to dating and courtship are good or bad. What are you experiences like? Do you wish you could date more? Do you identify with the people interviewed in the article? Let me know in the comments! And make sure to catch the second post on this topic where I'm going to include links to more articles discussing dating, love, and the changing dynamics of courtship, offer idea for fun dates and tips on how to plan a date, and much to your amusement, I'm going to spill the beans about all the dates I'VE planned/been on in the past. The fun ones, the romantic ones, and even the awkward ones. It should be fun!

See you in South Asia!

Spread the love,

-Ogie, MA

Beirut, My Heart

Marhaba LOVEanese! Like the previous post, this will be a short read as well (yes, it's a quickie haha).

Yesterday, my friend, filmmaker, and classy-lady-extraordinaire, Sabah Haider and I were having a wonderful conversation, when she told me about a film she wrote and directed. She's really talented (even has her own IMDB page!), and I was introduced to her work with her most recent film, Abu Rami.

The film she was telling me about is called Beirut, My Heart. It's about a love story that ends with a broken-heart and comforted by the beauty and magic that is Beirut. It reminded me a lot of the past post I did on Beirut, I Love You (I Love You Not) as well. Basically, it's a beautiful film that I'm sure many will be able to identify with, and I encourage you to watch it.

"Beirut, My Heart"

I can't embed it within this post, but you can watch it here. Did you like it? Can you identify with it? Let me know what you think!

Have a good rest-of-the-weekend, and, of course, spread the love!
 
-Ogie, MA

Valentine's Day Interview

Marhaba LOVEanese! And happy Valentine's Day! This isn't going to be a long post because I already blogged about VDay last year with this comprehensive post. I'm also currently working on a post all about dating. So, I'll get that to you soon. There has been, however, tons of articles coming out related to love this week. Like this one talking about the science of love, and how it has a similar affect as cocaine on the brain. Another was discussing how technology is changing romance, this one argued that Valentine's Day is "under attack" in Pakistan, and this one about the economics of love.

But what I did want to post here was the full interview I had with Brooke Anderson at the Daily Star. She wrote an article about Valentine's Day, and included some of my quotes in them. She also wrote a heart-wrenching piece about Syrian refugees giving up on love.

So, without further adieu, I present the full interview: 


Brooke: "What do you think of Valentine's Day in general?" 

Me: "I really don't like it. In the LOVEanon post I sent you, I outline the "fors" and the "againsts." But really it doesn't actually celebrate love, romance, relationships, passion, or intimacy. It celebrates consumerism. VDay in Lebanon was imported, and honestly, its more for business than love. I'm not trying to be negative either. I think it's great to devote the day or evening to someone special. But its gotten out of hand. Just like Christmas, we've completely lost the meaning of Valentine's Day. I also don't like the idea of celebrating someone you love or the love or affection you have for someone just because marketing departments tell you to do so." 

Brooke: "Why do you think some people place so much importance on it?" 

Me: "Great question. I honestly don't know. My initial response is that they are told to value it. Even though romantic love isn't something socially conditioned in the Arab world to be highly desired. I really think it goes back to how its been marketed. You feel bad if you don't feel "special," especially as a girl. It's very rooted in gender roles and stereotypes. It really feeds off of people's insecurities.

I want to clarify one answer. I said in the first question "We've lost the meaning of  Valentine's Day." To be honest, it's always been a "Hallmark Holiday" anyway. So, I don't know if we've actually lost the meaning of it, or really just perpetuated it's true purpose altogether: spending money." 

Brooke: "What do you think is worse: being single on VDay, or being in a lukewarm relationship?" 

Me: "Well, I think being in a lukewarm relationship is worse in general. Often, these relationships are shallow and ultimately result in someone getting hurt or unnecessary drama. There is nothing wrong with being single, and its better to be alone than to be in an arbitrary relationship or to celebrate something when there is no real, sincere care or feeling involved. If you're down on VDay because you're single, you need to reevaluate your priorities. You don't NEED anyone [I'm referencing the Merton blog post]. YOU should rely on yourself for your own completion. If you're single on VDay, enjoy the day with other singles, and don't put yourself down." 

Brooke: "Do you think it's a holiday where people get hurt -- thinking everyone else is in happy relationships? If so, what do you think are some good ways of dealing with the pain?" 

Me: "Quite frankly, I'm a huge proponent of not comparing yourself to others, and instead, focusing on your own happiness. Yes, I think people do get hurt and down, and it really polarizes a lot of people who are "happy" and in relationships, against those who are "sad and lonely" because they are not. When in reality, this is incredibly problematic. SO many people are in unhappy relationships for one, and being with someone is NOT necessarily the panacea for happiness or fulfillment. And in Lebanon especially, people constantly compare themselves to each other for, what it seems, just to make themselves feel better. However, all of this sends the wrong message about what contributes to a healthy relationship. Its not about curing loneliness, its about sharing with someone and companionship." 

Brooke: "Having lived here and studied love, what are some things you've noticed about Valentine's Day (the way people celebrate, show affection, etc.) in Lebanon that's particular to this country or this part of the world?" 

Me: "People in Lebanon and the Arab world are indeed incredibly emotional (myself included). This is beautiful, but in Lebanon, I also notice a lot of empty affection. Yeah, restaurants may be overbooked on Feb 14, but people have difficulty marrying for love, have to conform to community and society standards, and cannot even get a civil marriage in Lebanon. In the end, I feel like much of this pomp and circumstance for love is just another façade. Individuals I interviewed for my thesis indicated the same thing. You see it, but you don't feel it. I'm not saying everyone's lying, or no one loves each other. But the entire idea of what love is differs from culture to culture and from person to person. It's subjective, so it's also problematic to compare. I guess I just hope that more people both now and in the future celebrate Valentine's less because they need to display their love, and more because they are actually happy."

And that's it! What did you think? Agree? Disagree?? Let me know in the comments! I'll leave you with Sareen's latest Ink on the Side comic about Valentine's Day:

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Attention Engaged Couples: Read Before Marrying!

Update #1: Please read this article from Science of Relationships related to the topic of this post. It is a concise and incredibly on point research-based assessment of what is needed to make a marital relationship work as told by what you should be vowing to each other when getting married/entering into a union. I also recommend this post: How To Craft An Empirically-Supported Marriage.

Update #2: Also read this article, "How we end up marrying the wrong people," which goes into great detail about why we marry the wrong people, and what we can do about it so we can work on preventing it. It really echoes many of the things I have discussed throughout LOVEanon's posts.

Marhaba LOVEanese! Since my last post was a bit heavy, I want to steer the sentiment of this post back to the normal paradigm of serious content supplemented by humor (or cute animals, whatever). I do appreciate the wonderful comments on the previous post, and do hope that I fostered meaningful--if not just interesting or thought-provoking--discussion.

As usual, I just want to give you some news/updates/cool articles. What I want to bring to your attention in this post is an article that was shared with me a few weeks ago (that I also shared on the LOVEanon Facebook Page), written in 2010. It's called "Is the Arab World a Graveyard for Love?" It actually hits on many points I made in my thesis, and I know that a lot of people in Lebanon will be able to identify with her feelings. Check it out, and let me know what you think. What I said is simple: it doesn't have to be [a graveyard]. You can change it! And if you can't do it with your parents, you can do it with your kids. Teach them how to love, how to respect each other, appreciate difference, and embrace the similarities in others. I challenge you to make this happen!

The second thing I want to share is a big announcement that I also shared on the Facebook Page. This week, just a year and a 5 months after I launched LOVEanon, it's hit 20,000 page views!

 Screen shot from the blog on January 13, 2013

Now... to get to the substance of this post. Ahhh, it's 2013, the year of love!

See? It's true because the Internet says so!

I don't know if this is happening to you, but it seems like everyone I know is getting married. In fact, if you're single or in a relationship, but not engaged, I think this Buzz Feed story captures a feeling many of us share. Seriously, please click that link, it's hilarious and surprisingly accurate.

Wait, what's that? OH! YOU'RE getting married!? Well... how convenient, because this is what this post is all about!

How we really feel. JK!

Marriage is kind of a big deal. I've written in the past about the connection between jealousy and monogamy and how it relates to marriage, and I've I written about why we love and the importance placed on it in a past post. However, marriage does a lot. Especially in the US, being married is less expensive than being single (that piece got a LOT of passionate commentary on Facebook). It's also generally good for your health and well-being, especially for the groom (e.g., see this article and check out my thesis or the same past post for more on how romantic relationships impacts our health and well-being). Moreover, a couple months ago, I wrote a little blurb about marriage in the post about Hitch.

This post isn't meant to be a case for marriage or a case against it (that's a topic for the future post). And I'm not going to discuss civil marriage in Lebanon (or as we all know, the lack thereof) either, even though the first civil marriage has reportedly taken place after jumping through many bureaucratic hoops and interpreting older laws from the French Mandate (pending Ministry of Interior approval), and even President Sleiman has publicly endorsed it and stated that Lebanon needs civil marriage. (Update: it wasn't approved initially, but now it has been, yay!). However, I'm not talking about it now mostly because I don't know much about it, save for what is advertised on the autostrad billboards. I could do some research, though, and perhaps do a future post on civil marriage in Lebanon.

On the contrary, since I'm directing this post at engaged couples, I assume you've already made up your mind to wed. And if so, listen up. If you're getting married, all kidding aside, I WISH I didn't have to remind you that this is one of--if not THE--most important decisions of your lives. Think about it, everything from this moment on now directly affects at least one other person. And if you have kids, your happiness affects their happiness. Including over the course of their entire life (for instance, see: Amato and Keith, 1991; Wallerstein, 1991). In other words, IT'S A BIG DEAL! Now, I'm not insinuating or trying to imply you aren't taking it seriously. But I do think there are a lot of people out there who: 1. Don't take it serious enough or think about their long-term consequences of their actions, and 2. Don't read enough, take the time to educate themselves, and really prepare for both marriage and (most likely) parenthood. Speaking of, let me show you probably one of the most profound things Keanu Reeves has ever said (fun fact: he was born in Beirut!):

 
This scene is actually from the movie, Parenthood (great movie! Also stars one of my favorites, Steve Martin). Honestly, though, he's right. At least in most places, you need a license for anything. Yet, when it comes to the most important job you'll ever have, you don't so much as spend a second in a formal classroom. When did they ever teach you about love, sex, romance, intimacy, how to manage personal finances, how to resolve conflict, how to grow old together, or raise kids together in school? In between history lessons, or in calculus homework? For the most part, they don't. Life and experience teaches you, and unfortunately, that's not something that's readily available in most school's curricula. And not everyone has the best parents to use as an example either.

So, what can you do? The first is to realize that love is not enough to make a marriage or long-term relationship of any kind (married, or long-term partners) lasting and successful. There are multiple factors at play, including life goals, family, relationship dynamics, and a host of others. The article I linked to at the beginning of this paragraph explores this concept in greater detail, and I suggest you read it, especially since there are even more considerations to bear in mind as well. The fact is, most Westerners are obsessed with the idea of love, whereas people from Asia are obsessed with (social) compatibility. I believe there is a healthy in-between though!

The second and incredibly important thing to do is educate yourself. You're not going to be taught the various ins and outs of your marriage--and I'm DEFINITELY not the person that's going to try, it's not my place. But, you can know that you'll make mistakes, but learn from them, and you can see what resources are out there for you. Like this: 7 Divorce Myths Debunked. It's a short article backed up by relationships experts, statistics, and research. The seven myths include: 

--Myth #1: One in two marriages ends in divorce
--Myth #2: Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce
--Myth #3: Second marriages are more likely to last than first marriages
--Myth #4: Divorce is incredibly expensive
--Myth #5: All ex-wives get alimony
--Myth #6: The mother almost always gets custody of the children
--Myth #7: The US's divorce rate is higher than every other country's divorce rate

Never saying "your butt looks bigger," or "you've gained weight," however, is NOT a myth

This article also covers other marriage myths including pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work, and the goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want (these are two big myths!). 

Another good series of articles comes from Dr. Terri Orbuch. She wrote an insightful article taken from some of her longitudinal research following couples who were married in 1986. 46% were divorced by 2012. The article itself is offering ways a marriage can be successful by taking a closer look at why those marriages failed. Take these lessons to heart, and don't brush them off! Some of the issues included the decline/lack of affection and intimacy, not taking responsibility, using ineffective communication or having incompatible communication/conflict resolution styles (she has some great tips for dealing with that here), and not moving on from past events and relationships. However, what was the number one issue? Money. Do you currently share a bank account? Will you keep separate ones? How will your file your taxes? Do you both have student loans? Remember that after you tie the knot, those debts are your debts. Dr. Orbuch offers some great tips for discussing money and finances in a relationship and in marriage in this article, and this article (written by someone else) offers even more suggestions.

"I ain't sayin' SHE'a golddigga..."

Aside from the resources presented above, there are a host of great resources available. For instance, this article gives nine great tips on how to keep your marriage healthy. This one out of the University of Maryland outlines the qualities of a healthy marriage. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center has wonderful resources, statistics, and other useful information. One of my favorite sites, Science of Relationships, has a small, 10-question Sustainable Marriage Quiz you and your partner can take together and interperet your results. Moreover, the legal-oriented site Expertise has some great information and resources pertaining to divorce, specifically questions you must ask before filing for divorce and information on divorce and child custody. Even within this blog, there's many good resources for you to check out, whether it's getting to know your partner's Love Language, how you work together as a team, going on dates after you're married (don't forget that you should still do that, especially after you have kids!), how to keep the passion in your relationship alive, and the ever importance of loving yourself to be able to love someone else completely. Whatever you need, it's out there!

But what if you could go into it with a little bit of training? Beyond merely reading articles and maintaining active and open communication with your partner? Have you talked about everything? What exactly is everything? Something I am personally a huge proponent of is premarital counseling. Many couples are required to go through it before they are married within a religious institution (I know some churches require it anyway). According to MayoClinic.com:

"Premarital counseling is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship--giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage. Premarital counseling can also help you identify weaknesses that could become bigger problems during marriage. Premarital counseling is often provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists have graduate or postgraduate degrees, and many choose to become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). Premarital counseling might be offered through religious institutions as well. In fact, some spiritual leaders require premarital counseling before conducting a marriage ceremony."

As this article on the "Rules of Engagement" demonstrates, premarital counseling is on the rise, and has many positive, but also practical, benefits. When asked if it's generally good for you, beneficial, and positive, the overwhelming answer seems to be yes. For instance, CUNY--Brooklyn College has a whole page dedicated to answering questions about it as well as providing answers to FAQs, links, and resources. Moreover, much of the research conducted on premarital counseling concludes that it does positively benefit a couple such as by reducing marital distress and decreasing the chances for divorce (Stanley, 2001), and that  participation in premarital counseling generally yeilds higher levels of marital satisfaction and commitment, lower levels of conflict, and the reduced odds of divorce as well (Stanley, Amato, Johnson, and Markman, 2006). Furthermore, Carroll and Doherty (2003: 105) reviewed 26 studies examining premarital counseling, and found that: 

"The average person who participated in a premarital prevention program was significantly better off afterwards than 79% of people who did not participate. Stated differently, the average participant in a premarital program tends to experience about a 30% increase in measures of outcome success. Our findings suggest that premarital prevention programs are generally effective in producing immediate and short-term gains in interpersonal skills and overall relationship quality and that these improvements are significantly better than nonintervention couples in these areas."

Other studies also encourage and advocate for more premarital counseling citing its beneficial effects on average, yet also affirm that more research is needed, specifically for non-religious or "at-risk" couples (e.g., Sullivan and Bradbury, 1997), and more diverse samples (that is, couples that aren't white, American, and and middle-class) (Stanley, Amato, Johnson, and Markman, 2006). Bear in mind, premarital counseling isn't a panacea for relationship success though. These studies are mostly quantitative--meaning, they rely on statistics and numbers to generate trends and relationships. And as this narrative points out, premarital counseling doesn't always work for everyone. You have to be honest and realistic about your relationship, your needs, your expectations, your future lives together, and your marriage. Additionally, as another study confirms, it also depends on the quality of your premarital counseling (Schumma et al., 2010). 

There are many additional resources out there for premarital counseling. Amazon.com has an entire list with books and resources. Some other interesting tools I found where this one, a short and fun test based off of curriculum from FOCCUS (a premarital relationship resource, inventory, and counseling website). Another is 10 Must Ask Pre-marriage Questions, which are very relevant and on point. Similarly, this premarital questionnaire offered thought-provoking questions to consider before tying the knot as well.

If you're looking for a premarital counselor, you can find one in many ways. If you're in Kentucky, check out this link. However, you can also find a licensed AAMFT counselor here, no matter where you are in the United States. Alternatively, you can try this site. If you're in Lebanon and elsewhere, try doing a simple Google search to find someone in your area. If that doesn't work, I suggest contacting a local psychology or sociology department (for instance, the one at AUB, LAU, Lebanese University, or the social work program at USJ). I'm not sure what the options are in Lebanon outside of religious counseling, but they may be able to point you in the right direction. If you need help finding one, take advice from the aforementioned CUNY article I posted above. It has some pointers for choosing the right program for you. And of course, this isn't to necessarily replace a religious program if you are going through one. But it can supplement it, or offer different perspective.

In general, I would encourage everyone to discuss these topics, and although premarital counselors should addresses them, make sure you stay diligent about talking about the following topics:

--Your expectations of your marriage and how they compare with each others
--Discussion of your life together (including your careers, housing, managing your cars if you share, where you're going to live, how you'll take care of your aging parents/in-laws, etc.)

--Conflict resolution and how to manage fights, arguments, and conflict, and how to better communicate (effective communication is one of the biggest pillars of marriage!). The fact is, conflict is often unavoidable. But conflict is also healthy. How you deal with it/manage it makes the difference. This article has some great insights for how to manage conflicts, and what is worth discussing (I put it on my Google Drive/Docs account so everyone could access it).
--Negotiation techniques and your individual negotiation styles
--How to collaboratively problem-solve, and understand how you normally solve problems and overcome difficulties
--Independently and collectively discuss personal and professional growth and development. What kind of people are each of you, and how are you/will you change?

--Sex in marriage (how much, how often, etc.)
--Kids (how many do you want, how will you raise them? Where will they go to school? Who will take care of them? etc.) 
--Religion. Will you go to/join a particular religious group? Will you raise your children with a certain religion?
--How to spend time together--even after you have kids 
--Focus on building a better team between you two 
--Brainstorming retirement including do you want to stay or move? How will you manage a 401K or save for it?
--How to handle your finances
--What are your fears and insecurities, and how do you handle them? Do you have doubts? Where does that doubt stem from?
--Again, I also encourage you read this article that discusses other ingredients that make a successful marriage/partnership, as well as the potential things that can seriously harm or destroy a relationship.
 
Remember, as I said, we spend years preparing for a career. We start in elementary school, then move to middle, then high school. Then maybe you go to college, perhaps even further. Yet, for the most important role you'll have--husband/wife, father/mother--you really don't get any kind of training. You're kind of just thrown into it, and if you're fortunate enough to have good parents, maybe they can help you. But for all of those who don't, you're on your own. So, take the time to invest a little bit of time, money, and energy into a program that can hopefully help your relationship develop further, iron out some of the kinks before you get married, and build a better foundation for your lives. It's fun, insightful, and hopefully, you'll come out as a better couple as well as better people. And considering the time and money spent on your formal education, it's a fraction of that!

Please, don't be this couple.

Look, if you're engaged or about to get married, I wish you the absolute best, I really do. I wish you happiness and success. And every relationship is different. In the end, you both should know each other well enough by now, and have realistic expectations of both each other and your relationship. But don't get caught up in this fantasy that marriage is all sunshine and daisy's. It's really hard work, a work in progress. You will fight, you will disagree, you will bicker, you will go to bed angry sometimes (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). They say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" for a reason. The work isn't the wedding, it's the marriage! The work doesn't stop after you say "I do," it starts! But you will also love, and laugh, and travel, and make so many new memories, and most likely, raise kids, and visit the principal's office, and attend PTA meetings, and visit family on the weekend or at Christmas or Eid, and hopefully be happy together.

Never forget this!

Once again, I am not going to lecture anyone on how to be in a long-term relationship. I've never even made it to six months! I am well aware of my own limitations. But do NOT take this commitment lightly. And while it might seem self-evident, I think it's important to not enter into a marriage thinking of divorce as an option. Yes, sometimes divorce is necessary. However, all too often I see people taking a very blasé approach to marital commitment (in Kentucky/the U.S. where I grew up specifically), and I just think to myself that doing so is setting yourself up for failure. Instead, breathe, and be patient with one another. If you're prepared going into it, you can often work things out. This is why things programs like premarital counseling exist, and why you shouldn't rush into things. Take the time. Talk about everything beforehand--I know so many of you do. If it doesn't work, there is also marital or pre/post divorce counseling. And don't get married because you feel pressure either--from a partner, family, friends, life, society, or a biological clock. Do it because you really want to build a life with the other person. I don't mean to come across as offensive. Perhaps I'm also pushing too many of my own values. I really don't mean to preach. You don't have to believe in monogamy or marriage. And that's fine if that's what you both want. But marriage all too often these days is looked at as a joke. However, it is NOT child's play (especially when children are involved). It is very serious. Sometimes, life just doesn't work out. But make sure you're prepared going in. Do it for each other, do it for your families, do it for your friends, do it for your kids, do it for yourselves. Because no one, none of those people I just listed want to see you turn into this.

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

P.S. If anyone wants to read one of the articles I link to (whether in this post, or any other), but can't, just let me know. I'll try and send it to you. Tweet me, e-mail me, or send me a message on Facebook.

References:

Amato, Paul R., and Bruce Keith. 1991. "Parental Divorce and the Well-being of Children: A Meta-analysis." Psychological Bulletin, 110(1): 26-46.

Carroll, Jason S., and William J. Doherty. 2003. "Evaluating the Effectiveness of Premarital Prevention Programs: A Meta-analytic Review of Outcome Research." Family Relations, 52(2): 105-118.

Schumma, Walter R., Anthony B. Walkera, R. Roudi Nazariniaa, Darwin A. Westa, Cynthia Atwella, Annie Bartkoa, and Angie Krileya. 2010. "Predicting the Short- and Long-Term Helpfulness of Premarital Counseling: The Critical Role of Counseling Quality." Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy: Innovations in Clinical and Educational Interventions, 9(1): 1-15.

Stanley, Scott M. 2001. "Making A Case for Premarital Education." Family Relations, 50(3): 272-280.

Stanley, Scott M., Paul R. Amato, Christine A. Johnson, and Howard J. Markman. 2006. "Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability: Findings From a Large, Random Household Survey." Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1): 117-126.

Sullivan, Kieran T., and Thomas N. Bradbury. 1997. "Are Premarital Prevention Programs Reaching Couples at Risk for Marital Dysfunction?" Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65(1): 24-30.

Wallerstein, Judith S. 1991. "The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Review." Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 30(3): 349-360.