Intention vs. Opportunity

Good evening/afternoon LOVEanese! I'm really excited that I'm blogging again. Stay tuned for more posts to come over the next few weeks, and also even my own article on the Science of Relationships that I mentioned last week!

What I want to do in this post is share a little anecdote of something that recently happened to me, and the lesson that came out of it. Perhaps it's something you experienced/learned a long time ago, but I'm a late bloomer, so go figure, I just figured it out haha.

What exactly was I doing in college?

Anyway, Remember how I talked about "finding your habibi" a few months ago? And even going online to do so? What if the opportunity was there, but you actually accidentally passed it up? Multiple times even? And no I don’t mean your best friend or something like that, or not going out one Friday night when you were tired. What I mean is an opportunity missed because you didn't realize the opportunity was there to begin with.

Let me explain through example:

A few weeks ago, I was sitting with some good friends at a bar in the city where I did my undergrad (Louisville, KY). I was about three beers deep when something happened. As I was talking to my friends, a girl from another table randomly came over, and asked us if she could take an extra chair from our table. Of course we said yes, but then she looked right at me and asked, "Do I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar." Bear in mind a few things:

1. I wasn't exactly in my "going out" clothes. I had just driven there that day.

2. I was already a bit slow because of the beer (I'm kind of a light-weight, ok?)

3. I'm a really social person, and I used to know a lot of people in Louisville and at the university.

So, I'm thinking to myself, "Well, maybe she does know me..." So, I say, "Umm, I don't know. Did we have class together? What's your name?" And she tells me, but I'm still drawing a blank. At that point, my friend whispers to me, "Michael, what are you doing? Go talk to her!" And I'm just so confused, I'm still trying to figure out where she'd know me from! At that point she thanks us for the chair, and goes back to her table.

Now... my friend is kind of disappointed in me: "Dude, what was that!? You should have talked to her!" And this is where the lesson begins:

Me: (I'm still confused, and was flashing a puzzled look) "Why? She just wanted to know if she knew me. And she obviously didn't, what's the big deal?"

Him: "Well, she was obviously interested in you."

Me: "What are you talking about? She was just asking if she knew me" (which to me, in my naivety, was a reasonable conclusion).

Him: "But that's the point. It doesn't really matter if she was interested or not. The fact is, the opportunity presented itself just now, and you completely blew it.

Me: "What!? How!?"

Him: "Simple. When she came over and asked for the chair and if she knew you, what you should have done is gotten up, gone over to her, said something like, "no I don't think we've met, but my name's Michael," and then offered to take the chair back to her table."

At this point I was just amazed.

"Obviously you've never read The Game..."

Me: "How in the world should I have known that?? I thought she really might just know me."

Him: "Ok fine, but you still missed an opportunity."

And that's when it dawned on me. Up until this point, I had never understood the difference between intention and opportunity when it comes to meeting someone. Intention, in this sense, being that she wanted to talk to me. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. To me, I always thought that the intention had to be there in order to talk to a girl (quite contrary to practically every movie, ever made, ever). But what I realized is that the opportunity to meet/get-to-know someone is really always there.

Now, you may be thinking, "Come on Ogie, that's like the oldest trick in the book." But analyzing that isn't the point of this post. It's that you may be missing good opportunities all the time because you're not reading the language of the interaction, or as I demonstrated, even realizing that the opportunity is there. As I said, it didn't matter if she came over just to talk to me or not. What mattered is that I should have stood up, introduced myself, talked to her, and offered to help; made something out of that interaction, and maybe meet someone new.

Does this happen to you? Has anything similar ever happened? In Lebanon? Outside Lebanon? Is it cultural? Just to clarify, my friend's girlfriend was sitting next to him, and not only affirmed what he was saying, but also said I should have talked to her, in part, because the "road for interaction" was clear so to speak.

Do you think there's a difference between how men and women perceive this? Ladies, men always say that they want a woman to approach them, but what happens if and when that happens? Do we kinda freeze up because it challenges all of our existing social and relational scripts of how to behave and what to do/say? Is it disrespectful or disingenuous if I assume that there is an "opportunity" to get to know someone there?

Let me know. I'm really looking forward to your comments on this one!

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Updates and More Relationship Resources

Hello LOVEanese! Listen, I know it's been a long time since my last post, but A LOT has changed since then. For one, since I finished my thesis/defended, I graduated with an MA in sociology on June 22, and I moved from Beirut back to Kentucky in early July to see friends, spend time with family, and look for a job. So, not only am I coming to you live from the United States now, but I'm also in a different timezone (just an FYI). As you can imagine, it's been a really busy time. I also had the chance to present my thesis at the 2012 International Conference of the International Association of Relationship Research (IARR) in Chicago. It was great! I got to network and connect with many other relationship researchers, meet some of those people whose names appear in academic publications you read, and listen to a lot of presentations on really cool topics. My presentation went great, and I was even so fortunate to have my parents and a friend attend (so I could finally prove that I WAS doing something worth my time haha).

Transitioning back to "American life" has definitely been more difficult than I imagined. Finding a job has been incredibly tough, it seems like I apply to jobs everyday, only to never hear back. Typical I hear. Not exactly the best time, but whatever. Something will work out eventually. There's also been other things that have been on my mind as I transition back. The first is the loss of possession. Not in material things, but, for instance, the other day I told someone, "Oh, you should see my apartment!......well, my old apartment..." Little realizations like that make things difficult, and remind you of loss: loss of your routine, your living space, your independence, your bed, your living room, your kitchen, your routine, your city, your lifestyle, your friends, your family, your dekaneh owner, your life. But, that's also part of life: moving on, and moving forward. The other issue has been with this weird transitional in-between stage I feel between college students and recent/not-so-recent college grads. As someone who kind if fits into the middle, I'm finding it hard to identify with both groups.

But you know, with the opportunity for change also comes the opportunity for great growth and a lot of introspection. Of course, many Lebanese/Arab individuals are accustomed to moving around, so that definitely isn't a feeling that's hard to identify with. And I have been thinking about things often, including life and where to go next, and how to meet new people, etc. Before I get to one of the new revelations I had about dating that I wanted to share with you in the next post, I wanted to remind you of some great relationship resources that exist (I'll also be putting these on the LOVEanon Facebook Page. Remember, avoid places like Cosmo and Men's Health, and look for resources where research is cited! Don't merely take advice because they say an "expert" is writing about it):

1. The first is probably the best one because it is a hub for many different relationship bloggers, and has a ton of resources in general. It's called The Science of Relationships (http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/). It has information related to dating, relationships, sexuality, friendship, marriage, courtship, engagement, breaking up, compatibility, and a host of other topics, resources, and featured columns. The best part is that they write like me: including social scientific relationship research in their posts. The head editors were also present at the IARR event, and all of them/the contributing authors all have a background in relationship research (either with an MA, PhD, or other degree/experience). Definitely a relevant and credible website (you can also check them out on Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites).

2. The second is a website by Dr. Terri Orbuch ("The Love Doctor"). I also had the opportunity (and privilege if I may add) to meet her at the IARR event. She's a media-friendly relationship researcher from Michigan who writes articles related to relationship research for media outlets (she was interviewed for the story about "5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce" (A better overview here)). She also does a weekly segment on a local Michigan news outlet (Saturday morning between 8 and 8:30 AM on WJBK Fox 2 News-Detroit). You can find her columns on the Huffington Post and Psychology Today (Psychology Today is also a great resource!). She can also be followed on Facebook and Twitter.

3. The third is a bunch of resources hosted by Dr. Bjarn Holmes (who I am convinced is the real-life Thor). Also a media-friendly researcher, he blogs on Science of Relationships and Psychology Today. He also hosts a monthly podcast series called Relationship Matters,  which features an interview (or more) with a knowledgeable expert on some aspect of relationship research and relationship maintenance. He is available on Twitter.

4. When it comes to sexual concerns related to relationships, sexual health, and everything in-between, Kinsey Confidential out of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana University is my go-to guide (Kinsey sound familiar? It was established by pioneering human sexuality researcher Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey). Anyway, this site has it all, from relationship resources to information about STIs, sexual health, sexuality and relationships, answers to questions about sex, reading lists to check out, and much more. I strongly suggest you check them out, and follow them on Facebook and Twitter.

5. Another sexual health and relationship resource (and another that I heard about at IARR) is a blog authored by Dr. Justin Lehmiller called "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." It has a lot of great topics on it. I suggest you check it out as well, and follow him/the blog on Facebook.

6. The last resource I want to link you to today is the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. It's a non-partisan, government-sponsored project that compiles information, statistics, marital resources, and other information together. It's really interesting, and gives more numerical information based on various surveys and other research methods. So, from attitudes toward marriage, marital trends, demographics, divorce patterns, etc., this site has it covered.

There is also two academic journals that are dedicated to relationship research: Personal Relationships (Wiley), and The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE), both through the IARR. They both contain additional resources as well.

Now, I know what many of you who live in Lebanon, Europe, or elsewhere may be thinking: "But this is all written for Americans, by Americans." And honestly, you're right. A lot of this research is American/Western-focused, and there's a shortage of cross-cultural relationship research. This isn't to say it doesn't exist, just when compared to studies conducted on American samples, however, it just, well... doesn't compare. BUT, although culture does have much to do with romantic relationships, much of the research conducted can be applied to many different populations, especially at the individual level. So, definitely take everything with a grain of both salt and common sense/critical thinking, and if you have any questions, discuss it! Either in the comments section of my blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply just write the author! Even if they don't know the answer, they have the knowledge, skills, and expertise to connect you to other resources or find the answer for you.

This is also a great point to reiterate exactly what I'm doing here. I know I'm writing to you from the US now, but remember what I always say (and have said since I wrote my very first post almost a year ago): I want to help connect individuals to relationship research and resources in an easy-to-digest way that is informative, fun, and educational. Also, MA or not, I AM NOT AN EXPERT, nor do I ever intend to come off as one. I will always cite my sources, and I will strive to make this blog objective and value neutral. However, I will  write it in such a way that it focuses on Lebanese/Arab culture, but still be applicable to a general population and especially those who come from cultures that  emphasize family and social collectivity. If you ever need a reminder of this or the purpose, vision, or mission of this blog, just re-read the first post. I have tried to not deviate from my original purpose.

With that all said, I just want to give a teaser of some topics to expect in the coming few weeks in no specific order:

1. Can you really be friends after a break-up?
2. When in doubt, follow your nose
3. Understanding the difference between intention and opportunity
4. How to read a scientific article
5. A case for and against marriage
6. Dating at work: pros and cons
7. Are men REALLY from Mars, and women REALLY from Venus?
8. The pros and cons of pornography within a relationship context
9. Attraction and birth order
10. The benefits of selfless sexuality

As always, thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate all of your support, no matter what country you're in, continent you're on, or culture you were raised in.

Stay cool, peaceful, and lit-up Lebanon. And spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

What's Love Got To Do With It? Actually, Quite A Lot

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I really want to apologize for my 7-week+ hiatus/leave of absence, but I was incredibly busy. With what you ask? Well... I can assure you, I've been hard at work, and a LOT has happened over the past month and a half!

Now, remember how I've said I'm almost done with my thesis pretty much since January? Well... guess what? I FINALLY FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

 

How I feel

On May 18, 2012, I successfully defended my thesis (and passed of course!), and then I submitted to the library on May 22. So, what does this mean now? Well, first, I'm officially Michael Oghia, MA, and I will be an AUB graduate come June 22. Second, I want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other week, but preferably once a week. Third, and most excitedly, it means I get to share with you my results!

In all of its thesisie glory

Before I share my results, I just want to first talk a bit about the context of this research. First of all, some stats:

-- My thesis is divided into 6 chapters: the introduction, which includes the purpose and significance, the theoretical framework, the literature review, the methodology, the results, and the discussion and conclusion.

-- I posed 6 research questions.

-- It is 163 pages in total, with 116 in just text alone not including references, appendixes, etc. It's even longer in the library version due to formatting.

-- There are 44,201 words, 246,097 characters without spaces, 290,225 characters including spaces, 1,180 paragraphs, and 4,273 lines.

-- Also, there were 4 sentences per paragraph, 16.3 words per sentence, and 5.3 characters per word. Concerning readability, it scored a 35.7 on the Flesch Reading Ease scale, and a 11.8 on the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level scale.  

-- Of those 44,201 words, love is mentioned 847 times, romance is mentioned 431 times, and relationship is mentioned 367 times.

My thesis word cloud (courtesy of tagxedo.com)

Also related to the context, I want to begin by answering a question that almost everyone has asked me: what inspired this, and why exactly am I studying love?

Quite simply, it was my mom! In 2008, I was with my mom on a vacation to see my family in Los Angeles, California, when she told me about a particular ex-boyfriend. She revealed to me how they were deeply in love, but my grandparents would not allow them to be together, ironically not because of the commonly-cited religious or sectarian reasons, but because he was not from the appropriate social and financial background (I would be happy to expand this story in its full form in another post if you would like to read it). I kept this personal anecdote in mind when I came to the American University of Beirut (AUB), and when I began to conceive this as a possible thesis topic, I wondered how relationship formation occurs now--over 40 years later--and I wanted explore how love is perceived by a younger generation.

Love you mom!

Per my abstract (and now into the technical stuff which I cover in the introduction (chapter 1)), I quickly discovered that romantic love is a topic largely absent from the social scientific inquiry in the Arab world. Although it has deep historical, literary, and artistic roots in the region, many scholars have traditionally reduced romantic relationship formation down to family-facilitated arrangements. However, increasing amounts of new, globalized discourses saturate the region, providing alternatives to the socially prescribed and sanctioned avenues of romantic love and relationships that may challenge the pre-existing romantic discourses, and influence the lived realities of individuals. Thus, the purpose of this study was to explore how a sample of unmarried Arab youth form and maintain romantic relationships, specifically focusing on how they define, experience, and identity romantic love, the value they ascribe to it, and what influences their perception of love.

What I would like to do now is give an overview of the chapters leading up to the results (this is the presentation I gave at my defense, so if you couldn't make it, you aren't missing anything!). Let's start with chapter 2.

Chapter 2 outlines the theoretical framework. I took an inductive approach in this study, grounding the conceptual framework in the results, which includes how romantic love is defined and conceptualized. To do this, I utilized Blumer’s symbolic interactionism, Bandura’s social learning theory, and social constructionism to not assume an a priori conceptualization of romantic love, and to illustrate the subjective nature of how meaning of romantic love is made. I also demonstrate that the way love is conceptualized interacts with Foucault’s notion of discourse to reflect power structures that govern social relationships, define what narratives are socially acceptable, and reinforce Bourdieu’s concept of habitus. Finally, I employ globalization theory (Wiki) and detraditionalization theory (Wiki) to discuss how certain phenomena linked to modernity provide outlets for alternate, external romantic narratives that directly challenge the existing discourse of romantic love and relationships.

Chapter 3 reflects themes I talked about in this post about growing up in two cultures and its effect on relationship development. Basically, I review existing literature related to dating, relationship formation, and love in the Arab world, and also outline 5 key areas of adolescent and young adult romantic relationship formation: culture, family, peer networks, experiences, and the mass media. In the family subsection, I detail how the Arab family is paramount to accessing and securing what Bourdieu calls social capital. Contextualizing this, I argue that, due to the weak Lebanese state institution, individuals rely on family and kinship networks for resource acquisition and security, but in turn, the family employs powerful mechanisms of control such as patriarchy and the honor/shame system that regulate and govern behavior. This occurs due to the potentially dire consequences of disrupting these networks on the entire family, which is exactly what love can do, particularly if an individual’s actions--such as being in love with someone that does not merit familial or social approval--are perceived to endanger the family’s ability to access social capital, or do not reinforce solidarity that is necessary for social, economic, and political survival. Moreover, I review how three pertinent changes to the Lebanese family including living in a post-civil war society, the decline of the extended family, and the generational gap are challenging the established practices and perceptions of romantic relationship formation.

Cute animal reading break time! (I thought this was appropriate).
Also, do any of you feel like you can identify with what I discuss above?

Chapter 4 covered the methodology. Basically, I used both quantitative (survey) and qualitative methods (interviews) to gather data, and I conducted interviews with 22 students, and distributed questionnaires to 193 AUB students (I can expand this to you personally if you would like, but I don't want to bore you with more technical stuff).

NOW, the part you've all been waiting so long for!

The results included a personal, highly subjective nature to the individual’s definitions and perceptions of love, and that love is important to life and the participants ascribed a high value to love. The majority also considers being in love with someone a requirement for a successful relationship, and they rank being in love as an important factor in choosing a romantic partner. They also indicated that objectifying the concepts of both romance and love is problematic. These definitions are intrinsically connected to their experiences with romantic love and relationships, and each of the interviewees inherently associated love with marriage. The interviewees also frequently connected love to Western cultural conceptions, such as individualism, that they indicated clash with or challenge other cultural conceptions such as honor, shame, familial collectivity, and traditionalism. It was also indicated that love is a luxury, linked to social class, yet also saturated with contradictions by society and the family by, for instance, being emphasized and portrayed but not expected or practiced in reality.

Additionally, the participants indicated they want more freedom and autonomy when choosing a romantic partner, particularly from their family, but most do desire parental approval. They also often disagreed with their parents regarding what they consider to be important in a potential romantic partner. Related to this, when considering their future children, many of the interviewees responded that they will not teach their children directly about love, but will show them what romantic love is through setting an example with their spouse, by teaching them about familial love, or simply letting them experience it themselves. Moreover, they also would actively pursue a relationship with someone from outside of their religious sect. Also, culture, family, peers, experiences, and the mass media were all indicated as having a particular influence on the way they perceive love, reinforcing the notion that love is culturally defined and socially governed. Lastly, evidence was given to reinforce the existence of a generational gap and the declining influence of the extended family.

Some of the most interesting results included:

-- All 22 of the interviewees mentioned marriage, connected love with marriage, or mentioned love within the context of marriage even without being prompted to do so.

-- The characteristics of "someone who is fun to be with," "someone who is intelligent," and "being in love" were collectively ranked as the highest qualities that the questionnaire participants sought in a potential romantic partner, and "similar political ideas," "someone who is rich," and "extended family approval" ranked the lowest. Also, there were no notable differences between genders, nor where there any notable differences between relationship statuses and between individuals who had reported that they had experienced love, those that had not, and those who did not know.

-- The majority of both the interviewees and the survey participants reported extensive experience with romantic relationships, and their familiarity with love often originates from these relationships. Furthermore, they often informed peers and family members--such as parents, siblings, and cousins--that they were dating or in a relationship. However, the female interviewees were explicit about not informing brothers and fathers, while they do inform their mothers, sisters, and peers. Moreover, although their experience with dating as a whole was varied, many of the interviewees indicated that the rules of dating were unclear, though certain rules were universally known such as not displaying excessive public affection. 

-- Related to the post about the Five Love Languages, the interviewees were explicit about how they identify and express love. They often identified it through strong emotional feelings, wanting to sacrifice for another person, and attachment. The majority of survey participants also reported that strong emotional feelings were indicative of identifying love. The interviewees communicated that they express romantic love through physical touch and affection, verbal and written affirmation, and through action, service, and gifting. However, the majority of the survey participants reported that they express love through meaningful quality time spent with a romantic partner.

-- Almost all of the interviewees adamantly agreed that they would date someone from outside of their religious sect, and the majority of the survey respondents (134, 70%) also agreed or strongly agreed they would still pursue a relationship with someone outside of their sect if they were in love with that person, with 32 (17%) either disagreeing or strongly disagreeing, and 27 (14%) chose neutral.

Geagea: "Oh no! It looks like the youth don't want to date within their sects as much! 
How do we keep them under control!?"

Aoun: "Aye carumba! Don't tell Nabih!"

I conclude my study by situating the results within the existing literature, proposing prospects for future research, and reiterating the limitations, for instance, that the results are neither representative nor generalizable to Lebanese or Arab youth as a whole, and that AUB students are not representative of Beirut or Lebanon, much less the entire Arab world. I close my thesis by quoting the song Fasateen by the Lebanese folk-alternative rock band Mashrou' Leila, which illustrates a common narrative among Lebanese young adults who are caught in-between familial, social, and cultural pressures and personal choice.

So, in the future, if anyone wants to know what does love got to do with it, the answer for now can be that, indeed, it  has much to do with it.

I just want to say thank you so much to each of you who helped, supported, strengthened, and encouraged me throughout these one and a half years (crazy, right?). I cannot express to you the appreciation and heart-felt gratitude I feel, especially to my friends and family. I really could not have done this without all of your relentless support.

I'm looking forward to your comments and questions!

And of course, if you want to read my whole thesis, check it out here.

As always, spread the love (not burning tires),

-Ogie (MA)

P.S. Just to let you know, LOVEanon has almost 11,000 page views and more than 200 likes on the LOVEanon Facebook Page! Exciting!

Dating Pt. 2: Finding Your Habibi Online

Good afternoon LOVEanese! It's been a beautiful few weeks here in Beirut and throughout Lebanon, and I'm really excited for a few things. The first is my thesis. I'm pretty sure I've told everyone that I am almost done for about two months now. But now I am really almost done! I just need to finish up the edits of one chapter, then it's two short chapters left to edit, and off to the committee. So, just stay tuned for updates about it over the next few weeks!

Another announcement is that I finally set up a Google account for LOVEanon. So, if you ever want to e-mail me, do so at this address: LOVEanonBlog@gmail.com.

As you can tell from the title, I want to build on the last post about dating in Lebanon, and how hard it is to meet someone. Moreover, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. As I talked about previously, it's hard to meet someone in Lebanon because of the limited possibilities and opportunities. But...what about the Internet? Technically, it's practically limitless, and all you need to use it is a connected device and at least a hint of digital media literacy.

I've heard many anecdotes and examples of individuals who dated someone or simply met someone on the Internet--particularly through Facebook. According to many, people in Lebanon are meeting through Facebook. And regardless if they are advertising it or not, as a sociologist, this signals a few things to me. The first (as I have mentioned) is there is a lack of (public) social space available to meet people in a face-to-face location. The second is that the Internet allows access to groups or individuals who are either in their networks or outside of it; thus, unlocking new connections. Lastly, it also gives people more freedom to choose a partner (or at least a wider selection).

Yiiiii! A guy that seems interesting, from a good family, who's under 40, AND isn't already married!

While none of these may be particularly insightful, to me it raises the question: what about online dating? Now, I understand there's a lot of reservations about online dating. How do you know he/she is real? What if people talk about me or think that I can't meet someone on my own? What if he/she is a creeper? What if he or she really doesn't like me? Are we really compatible? Is their information true? Or of course, this:

If you don't know who this is, chances are you've never watched any good movies.

Truthfully, online dating has grown in popularity almost exponentially since it's inception in the 1990's in Internet chatrooms and on video dating services--at least in the United States. Most of the statistics available are quite useless to this blog because they pertain to the U.S. But this article gives a staggering graphical description of how romance has increasingly become digital (in the US):

Furthermore, Harry T. Reis--one of the individuals interviewed for the article whom also co-authored a paper I will discuss below--indicated, "Online dating is definitely a new and much needed twist on relationships. The Internet holds great promise for helping adults form healthy and supportive romantic partnerships, and those relationships are one of the best predictors of emotional and physical health."

Moreover, check out this infographic for some more cool information:

If you can't read it, just try the link

While these trends are reflexive of non-Arab populations, it still is interesting to see how things are 1. changing, and 2. becoming more mainstream/accepted. In many regards, mainstream reflects changing culture, or at least a new kind of cultural awareness or acceptance. Part of this acceptance, however, stems from our perceived understanding that dating websites and online dating is truthful and scientific.

First of all, related to the science of online dating, it is explored in-depth in this online paper. The author uses social scientific and biological scientific research to explore how the natural pathways of falling in love and mate-selection are both challenged and reinforced by online dating. Additionally, he explores if applying science to "unravel the biological basis of love [can] complement the traditional, romantic ideal of finding a 'soul-mate.'" You can read it for yourself, but the most important point to take from it is something I talked about in the post about why we love. There are certain characteristics and factors that influence our attraction to individuals--some social, some personal, some neurological/biochemical, etc.--which are often disproportionately used to mate individuals through online dating (websites) as well as potentially disrupt or change the conventional/customary modes of relationship formation and courtship. Moreover, this article discusses why it's so easy to fall in love online, and this article even purports the claim that online dating sucks for men as a whole.

The second point is related to online dating sites, their matching algorithms, and the truthfulness of their "science statements." This article and this article review a 2012 journal article by Finkel et al. which looked into the "science" that matching sites and also explored "1. whether online dating is fundamentally different from conventional offline dating and 2. whether online dating promotes better romantic outcomes than conventional offline dating" (P. 1). He and his colleagues reviewed over 400 psychological studies in their 64-page analysis of matching sites, family matchmaker sites, video/virtual dating sites, mobile dating apps, sites like Craigslist, hookup sites, infidelity sites, websites for group dates, social networking sites, and even MMORPGs (And if you think it's weird that World of Warcraft would be a good place to pick up a romantic partner, just check out this awesome infographic).

In their analysis, they determined the answers to the questions posed above as yes to the first (it is unique and different than conventional dating), and yes and no to the second (it does and does not depending on various factors). Regarding the first, they discussed how online dating offers three things conventional dating does not: access to individuals and networks which they are unlikely to encounter who they may then evaluate; (primarily computer-mediated) communication, which may make meeting new people less stressful and more comfortable); and matching (based on interests, compatibility, and pre-set criteria).

Moreover, related to the uniqueness and relevant to what I wrote about last week/Lebanon, they stated, "The ways in which online dating sites implement these three services have indeed fundamentally altered the dating landscape. In particular, online dating, which has rapidly become a pervasive means of seeking potential partners, has altered both the romantic acquaintance process and the compatibility matching process. For example, rather than meeting potential partners, getting a snapshot impression of how well one interacts with them, and then slowly learning various facts about them, online dating typically involves learning a broad range of facts about potential partners before deciding whether one wants to meet them in person. Rather than relying on the intuition of village elders, family members, or friends, or to select which pairs of unacquainted singles will be especially compatible, certain forms of online dating involve placing one’s romantic fate in the hands of a mathematical matching algorithm" (P. 1).

You can read more about their study by downloading it here, but the most important things to take from it are these two. The first is online dating encourages the idea of a "soulmate." While these may exist (and I don't want to get into an existential argument of whether they do or do not), to quote an article from Digital Trends:

"According to the authors, the soul-mate idea pushed onto users by various online dating sites can have a negative impact on romantic relationships. By encouraging users to find that perfect match, websites promote a seed of thought associated with relationship dysfunction: "[Finkel et al. (2012) indicate,] Indeed, people with strong beliefs in romantic destiny (sometimes called soul-mate beliefs)–-that a relationship between two people either is or is not "meant to be"--are especially likely to exit a romantic relationship when problems arise." The authors assert that the long-term, healthy relationship emerges from overcoming challenges."

And now time for some nice pictures to distract you, yet still be relevant to the topic. Here's one for the hopeless romantic.

One for the cynic.

One for dog lovers.

Annnnd one for Tales of Mere Existence lovers.

The second that was mentioned included the authenticity of these "science-based" algorithm matches. Many of the problems with dating sites is that they claim their algorithms for matching individuals is not just accurate, but scientific as well. However, according to the authors, "If dating sites want to claim that their matching algorithm is scientifically valid, they need to adhere to the standards of science, which is something they have uniformly failed to do...to date, there is no compelling evidence that any online dating matching algorithm actually works" (citation from here). These standards of science include their research methods, statistical analyses, and independent replication. Moreover, in saying this, these sites are exercising deceptive advertising related to these scientific claims and their consumer's testimonials--especially if they are fee-based and charge users for their services. As the author in the Digital Trends article wrote, "In addition, the authors point out that the algorithms focus on short-term versus long term, and fails to take into account how partners grow and mature over time or life circumstances that could help or hurt the relationship." On a contrary note, however, Amy Webb in a TED talk humorously points out that the algorithms worked fine for her, but in fact, it was her data that the algorithm was using that was providing inadequate matches. After some meticulous data crunching, she discovered the "formula" that allowed her to crack the "code" of online dating.

Other studies exist regarding online dating as well (and Finkel et al. provides a great review). For instance, Anderson (2005) found that those who were more computer-savvy and spent more time online had a more favorable/positive perception of online romances/romantic relationships. Additionally, online dating tends to be dominated by individuals above the age of 30 (e.g., Valkenburg and Peter, 2007) and a disproportionate male-to-female ratio (more women than men) (Finkel et al., 2012), which can lead to demographic inequalities among younger individuals looking for a romantic partner, especially women. Also, research has shown that deception is a very common tool used by participants in online dating, although many of the individuals that Toma, Hancock, and Ellison (2008) interviewed indicated that this deception is subtle and small (e.g., not a lie per se such as they look like someone they are not, but there were small "adjustments" to their actual age, height, or weight--as the infographic above demonstrated--or a photo that was chosen that either presents them in their best light, or ones that had been edited). They often did not include deceptive information about relationship information and status as well as children. Lastly, Baker (2002) found individuals who "first met in places based upon common interests, who communicated for long periods of time before meeting offline without too much intimacy, who worked through barriers to becoming closer, and who negotiated conflict well" tended to stay together if they met online. This points to four factors that she indicated often determine if an online romance will persist: (1) Meeting place (where they first encountered each other online); (2) Obstacles, barriers to getting together overcome by the couples (e.g., distance and previous relationships); (3) timing (the period spent writing or talking before meeting offline, and how intimate they became before meeting offline); and (4) Conflict resolution (the ability of the people to resolve problems in communication). Of course, cross-cultural variations in perceptions, attitudes, and experiences differ as well (e.g., Yum and Hara, 2006).

SO... I know that was a lot, I just wanted to establish that online dating isn't some stupid topic. It's a multi-million dollar industry that has been thoroughly researched, and is really influencing many people's lives. Yet, it is also a double-edged sword because of the fact that it's a business model. Furthermore, it may even be challenging monogamy and the entire dating/courtship model, in part, by providing unlimited access to new, potential partners. For instance, according to the same article,

"Indeed, the profit models of many online-dating sites are at cross-purposes with clients who are trying to develop long-term commitments. A permanently paired-off dater, after all, means a lost revenue stream. Explaining the mentality of a typical dating-site executive, Justin Parfitt, a dating entrepreneur based in San Francisco, puts the matter bluntly: “They’re thinking, Let’s keep this fucker coming back to the site as often as we can.” For instance, long after their accounts become inactive on Match.com and some other sites, lapsed users receive notifications informing them that wonderful people are browsing their profiles and are eager to chat. “Most of our users are return customers,” says Match.com’s Blatt."

I don't want to make the judgement that you should or shouldn't use them, you have to do that for yourself. But you can make more informed judgements about what to use. And this is exactly what I would like to do now: offer a little bit about some dating websites, and my mini-analysis of them.

First of all, if you aren't interested in a dating-site per se and you want to stick to Facebook, this website reviews a cool Facebook application called Yoke. It's a cool app that actually uses your existing data and the data from your friends and their friends to suggest individuals to you that matches your own interests. So, although it might be weird to meet someone online, if they have a common friend with you, they can set you up, put in a good word for you, or give you/them credible advice about you/that person. AND the best part is even if you aren't looking, you can suggest individuals to friends/play matchmaker. Check it out, and the article that reviews it.

Other options other than matching sites are three that are listed here. Check them out as well, but bear in mind they may not all be available for individuals here in Lebanon.

With all of that said, here's the review of some dating sites I either know or found:

General online dating sites:

These three sites are definitely the most professional (e.g., maintained, aesthetically pleasing, good website coding, etc.) but also the most general. These are all connected to social media such as Facebook and Twitter as well.

1. OKCupid.com. My rating: 4/5. Their algorithm is incredible, and has gotten a lot more powerful over time. The questions posed and among of information you can write really provides an interesting cross-section of someone's personality. The fact that it is a free service and they publish studies about the data is fascinating as well.

Here is what I originally said about OKC: "I actually used to be on OKCupid to advertise my blog and because I wanted to check it out. Somethings I liked about it is the ease of use, the really nice fonts and colors, the settings and mobile apps that are available, and the fact that it is free. In fact, the founder of OKC wrote an extensive blog post about why you should never pay for online dating. I also like how they are really respectful of alternative lifestyles. The best part? It's available and up-and-running in Lebanon! However, I'm not sure how many people are actually using it to find a date."

2. Match.com. My rating: 4/5. I originally give it a 2.5 because it doesn't actually work in Lebanon, and I've never used it/knew of someone using it. However, it's actually the most popular site in the USA according to a Pew poll, is often used to find a romantic (read: not solely sexual) partner, and something really cool about it is that, according to this article, biological anthropologist and noted TED speaker Dr. Helen Fischer, PhD.--who I talked about in this post--is the "Chief Scientific Officer." This is quite significant since she's considered to be an incredibly reliable and respected source on relationship science.

3. eHarmony.com. My rating: 4/5. eHarmony loses points for me because of the "science" they purport in their advertising as well as the fact that it isn't as open to alternative lifestyles as other sites. It's definitely the most controlling, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You have to be 21 or older to use it, but aside from the cool personality profile, it's also fee-based. Additionally, I'm not sure if it's available in Lebanon, however, there are many international variations of the site. I've heard of a lot of couples, though, who have met because of it, so check it out if you have some extra money. And since it is a fee-based site, my general impression is that it attracts more people who are serious about meeting someone to be committed to, as opposed to just attracting people who are looking for a good time (which is a bit more like OkCupid). This fee kind of "filters out" those who aren't very serious about dating, and this is the one I recommend if you're really interested in meeting someone online, and a friend and his wife are married now because they met through eHarmony.

4. PlentyOfFish.com. (N/A). I haven't ever used it or checked it out, but a lot of people use it. Any thoughts?

Arab-specific dating services:

There are a few services out there to connect Arab individuals together, no matter what your religion is. Here are a few:

1. ArabLounge.com. My rating: 3/5. It's actually pretty well-done, though not the best. It allows you to search for individuals based on their age, gender, as well as specific Arab ancestry which is pretty cool. And they have pages specifically for different countries (like Lebanon). There's also an "advice doctor" that acts as an Arab relationship guru people can discuss issues with. On their homepage, they indicate that they are VeriSigned Secured, and it's free as well. It's offered in different languages, and also includes a lot of "about us" links and information at the bottom. They lose points to me because it's not as aesthetically pleasing as you would have wanted it to be. Still, this only affects their perceived credibility, not their actual credibility.

2. Arabs2Arabs.com. My rating: 3/5. Like with the previous site, it's actually not a bad site. It asks about where you would like to meet someone (e.g., if you are in the US, etc.), but doesn't ask for you to specify which ancestry you are looking for. However, it most likely will match you based on your religion and ethnicity. The biggest place it loses points for though is that the full service is not free. It seems fairly well-done as well, but I could not access the profile pages without signing up.

3. ArabMatchmaking.com. My rating: 2/5. It's free, but really not done too well to the point where I doubt its credibility. I also think it's connected to the previous site (A2A) by the same parent company.

4. ArabicDating.com. My rating: 2/5. It's not very well-done or pretty at all, which in my opinion affects its credibility. But they are also free, and funded by donations which is pretty cool. It's more of a dating classifies site than a matching site as well.

5. LebaneseCupid.com. My rating: 3/5. I really like that 1. it's free, 2. it's actually quite professional, 3. they have a link regarding online safety, and 4. they are VeriSigned approved. Also, they have links to Facebook and Twitter. Furthermore, it's not really a matching site, however it might match if you sign up.

So, there you go, it's a start. Let me know what you think of these sites or if you know of any other good sites/resources. Also, let me know what you think of online dating in general, or if there's anything else I can do/talk about to shed more light on this topic. Did it work for you or a friend? Let's talk about this!

Do a little dating, and spread the love,

-Ogie

P.S. Really interesting update. On Oct. 20, 2013, a Pew Study among a sample of 2,252 American adults found that, although online dating is growing in popularity, negative experiences are "relatively" common. According to the study, "More than 1/2 of online daters say they believe someone else "seriously misrepresented themselves" in an online dating profile, and more than a 1/4 have felt uncomfortable or harassed by someone who contacted them." Moreover, "29% say they know someone who has been in a long-term relationship or married someone they met online, 46% of people who use online dating sites say finding someone long-term is a major reason they use the sites, and 1/4, on the other hand, "just want to have fun without being in a serious relationship."" Whether this has larger implications for the rest of the world, however, is still very much open for debate.

P.P.S. Don't forget Tinder and Grindr.

References:

Anderson, Traci L. 2005. "Relationships among Internet Attitudes, Internet Use, Romantic Beliefs, and Perceptions of Online Romantic Relationships." Cyber Psychology & Behavior, 8(6): 521-531.

Baker, Andrea. 2002. "What Makes an Online Relationship Successful? Clues from Couples who Met in Cyberspace." Cyber Psychology & Behavior, 5(4): 363-75.

Finkel, Eli J., Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher. 2012. "Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science." Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1): 3-66.

Toma, Catalina L., Jeffrey T. Hancock, and Nicole B. Ellison. 2008. "Separating Fact From Fiction: An Examination of Deceptive Self-Presentation in Online Dating Profiles." Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34(8): 1023-1036.

Valkenburg, Patti M., and Jochen Peter. 2007. "Who Visits Online Dating Sites? Exploring Some Characteristics of Online Daters." Cyber Psychology & Behavior, 10(6): 849-852.

Yum, Young-ok, and Kazuya Hara. 2006. "Computer-Mediated Relationship Development: A Cross-Cultural Comparison." Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 11: 133-152.