"Hitched"

"Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30 percent is your tone. So, that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom."

Saba7o LOVEanense! I feel like I spend every new post apologizing for not updating sooner, but I assure you... finding a job is really tough. Some good news though is that this is my 35th post! It's been really hard to find the energy to write, but last week I watched something for the first time, and felt compelled to write about it. Although I usually spend the first paragraph of a post giving updates, there's nothing really to update this time around.

I do want to draw your attention, though, to a couple articles I found recently that are really important. The first is about the common causes of divorce. If you've ever wanted to see a pretty comprehensive list, it's here. Dr. Terri Orbush covers some important lessons that were actually learned from couples who did divorce. Moreover, she has some great advice for dealing with the number one cause: money.

With that said, if you have not seen the 2005 movie Hitch, you really need to watch it.

It's got Will Smith in it, OF COURSE it's gonna be good!

Now, I know this movie isn't exactly new, and most people whom I've told that I just NOW watched it were wondering which rock I've been living under (I mean, for a guy who wrote a thesis about love, how did I not see Hitch!?). Well, to be honest, I was impressed. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but as I watched, I kept making notes. It hit on what I think are so many important themes, and, in my opinion, even though it was "Hollywood," shied away from some of the typical motifs and themes.

Well... not ALL of them. The quote at the beginning was actually the opening lines of the movie. I was a little skeptical of the theme of the movie based on what he was saying, because it sounded a little too good to be true. First of all, although nonverbal communication is incredibly important in communicating, some are critical of the 90% of all communication is nonverbal. Regardless, it's still an important point, and I was definitely interested in seeing what else Hitch had to say, but I hope it goes without saying that you should just be careful when you hear a statistic floated around in mainstream media (and always question it's accuracy).

The more I watched, the more subtleties I began to pick-up on, and the more I realized it was actually a very positive film. One of these was what I considered the difference between methods and intentions. For example, just watch this short clip I recorded of what I think is the most important part of the movie (just watching it gives me goosebumps):

Isn't that so intense!? Especially when he says, "This is why falling in love is so goddamn hard!" and "It's because of jerks like that that even have a job!" I just really loved the interaction between him and everyone else, but especially, the dialogue. I think that it's easy at first glance to call what he was saying sexist, and perhaps I just identified with it as a man, but I think there was some very interesting points here that really sums up the whole movie. Moreover, he's not vilifying women, nor is he unintentionally criticizing them. He's criticizing society at large, the plethora of norms, expectations, and pressures that often leave most men (and I'm sure many women) frustrated, timid, self-conscious, or feeling like they are not good enough. As I mentioned with the "methods vs. intentions" dichotomy, I think it sheds light on the way that a lot of people feel (regardless of gender) with approaching the opposite gender. As men are typically expected to approach women, it's understandable that he is speaking on behalf of men. But if you listen to what he's saying, it's really more about how his job is based on overcoming the societal pressures/expectations that come with dating and courtship--to which gender roles and socialization are a huge part. It isn't about hooking up at all, and really, sex isn't part of the movie at all either. In fact, when someone wanted to just get with a woman because he wanted sex, Hitch rejected him. I really liked that.

FYI: DO NOT date.

Another point that I wanted to discuss that I think many of you in Lebanon/with an Arab background experience a lot (and that IS a typical Hollywood motif) is the emphasis on love--verses compatibility. Even from the get-go, Hitch never once talked about the importance of compatibility. There's just the assumption that if someone "likes" someone, they can just fall in love, and live "happily ever after." As multiple studies show, one aspect of compatibility--social support and involvement--is incredibly important (Felmlee, 2001; Bryant and Conger, 1999; Sprecher and Felmlee, 1992; Leslie, Huston, and Johnson, 1986). Moreover, other scholars have found that it is typical for individuals to seek out a mate who is similar to themselves in terms of personality (Dijkstra and Barelds, 2008).

I'm not trying to say that love is the opposite of compatibility, but I think we complicate relationships, and for many reasons. One of which is the confusion between love and compatibility. I just think that love and compatibility are BOTH important components of a happy relationship, and are in many ways, apples and oranges. Consider love, for instance, as an emotional element (the apple), while compatibility is more of a logical component (the orange). I've talked a bit about compatibility before (e.g., here), but I want to take the concept further as well as connect it to the movie. I want to argue that there are multiple tiers of compatibility (without applied value necessarily), where one tier could hold religious beliefs, social background, cultural similarity, class, and level of education (if that sounds strangely familiar, it's because that's what's generally considered the most important among Arab parents/families). However, there's the next tier that holds personality traits, experiences, similar tastes in music/movies, etc. And then another that pertains to values, beliefs, life goals, energy levels, perception of the world (are you positive and optimistic and they negative and pessimistic?), and especially, conflict styles and how to manage conflict (How do you deal with conflict, disagreements, etc.?). I think all of these are important. However, the fact is, the equation for attraction is so complex and is determined by an infinite number of factors; it is the most advanced equation that makes quantum physics seem pale in comparison. So, it may be hard to determine exactly what aspect of someone's personality or worldview or habits are the most attractive. I'm sure we all know people that, perhaps on the outside, they may not seem to be a suitable match, but the more you get to know them, the more you realize they are perfect for each other--because they are compatible in deeper ways.

Putting this in the context of the movie, however, is more complicated. In the U.S. and the "West" in general, we overemphasize the "love" aspect of a relationship. In the Arab world, we overemphasize the "compatibility" aspect of a relationship. So, as I alluded to, you see that reflected in the movie. But, actually, in one of the last scenes, Allegra emphasizes how Albert's "quirks" such as being clumsy or a bad dancer are actually really attractive to her (hinting at compatibility). For Allegra, she liked Albert just the way he was, even though they seem like a completely different couple based on their social status (she's famous, he's not). Moreover, Eva Mendes' character, Sarah, and Hitch both have a pretty interesting thing in common: a history of fear; fear of loss for Sarah, and a fear of rejection for Hitch. Both communicate intimate anecdotes of past experiences which left them jaded, cynical, and cautious. And I think that is incredibly reflective of most people. They had bad experiences, and in turn, those bad experiences prevented them from getting close to others. Instead, they kept people at a distance. I'm SURE that every single person reading this can relate, either themselves personally, or through the experience of a friend or family member. I mean, it makes sense: as you get older, all of those experiences prior add up, and affect you, they influence your behavior, your actions, and your perceptions; they add to your insecurities, and sometimes, make you shut down. But remember the 5th leading cause of divorce according to the article I posted at the beginning of this post? It's important to let go of the past, not forget it per se, but live in the present. Be yourself, be natural, love who you are, and be with someone who makes your life happier BECAUSE you can be yourself. We all have to impress at point or another, but being comfortable with someone is an amazing feeling.

Overall, it was a great movie, I definitely recommend it. I know I always say that I'll try and blog more, but I really will. I'm really looking forward to your comments: did you like the movie? Where there other themes you picked up on that I missed? Do you have a perception that is based on your gender? Let me know! And just remember the last line of the movie, one that sums up pretty much everything about dating, love, relationships, and attraction:

"Basic rules: there are none." - Hitch

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

References:

Bryant, Chalandra M., and Rand D. Conger. "Marital Success and Domains of Social Support in Long-Term Relationships: Does the Influence of Network Members Ever End?"
Journal of Marriage and Family, 61(2): 437-450.

Dijkstra, Pieternel, and Barelds, Dick P. H. 2008. "Do People Know What They Want: A Similar or Complementary Partner?" Evolutionary Psychology, 6(4): 595-602.

Felmlee, Diane H. 2001. "No Couple Is an Island: A Social Network Perspective on Dyadic Stability." Social Forces, 79(4): 1259-1287.

Leslie, Leigh A., Ted L. Huston, and Michael P. Johnson. 1986. "Parental Reactions to Dating Relationships: Do They Make a Difference?" Journal of Marriage and Family, 48(1): 57-66.

Sprecher Susan, and Diane H. Felmlee. 1992. "The Influence of Parents and Friends on the Quality and Stability of Romantic Relationships: A Three-Wave Longitudinal Investigation." Journal of Marriage and Family, 54(4): 888-900.

Intention vs. Opportunity

Good evening/afternoon LOVEanese! I'm really excited that I'm blogging again. Stay tuned for more posts to come over the next few weeks, and also even my own article on the Science of Relationships that I mentioned last week!

What I want to do in this post is share a little anecdote of something that recently happened to me, and the lesson that came out of it. Perhaps it's something you experienced/learned a long time ago, but I'm a late bloomer, so go figure, I just figured it out haha.

What exactly was I doing in college?

Anyway, Remember how I talked about "finding your habibi" a few months ago? And even going online to do so? What if the opportunity was there, but you actually accidentally passed it up? Multiple times even? And no I don’t mean your best friend or something like that, or not going out one Friday night when you were tired. What I mean is an opportunity missed because you didn't realize the opportunity was there to begin with.

Let me explain through example:

A few weeks ago, I was sitting with some good friends at a bar in the city where I did my undergrad (Louisville, KY). I was about three beers deep when something happened. As I was talking to my friends, a girl from another table randomly came over, and asked us if she could take an extra chair from our table. Of course we said yes, but then she looked right at me and asked, "Do I know you from somewhere? You look really familiar." Bear in mind a few things:

1. I wasn't exactly in my "going out" clothes. I had just driven there that day.

2. I was already a bit slow because of the beer (I'm kind of a light-weight, ok?)

3. I'm a really social person, and I used to know a lot of people in Louisville and at the university.

So, I'm thinking to myself, "Well, maybe she does know me..." So, I say, "Umm, I don't know. Did we have class together? What's your name?" And she tells me, but I'm still drawing a blank. At that point, my friend whispers to me, "Michael, what are you doing? Go talk to her!" And I'm just so confused, I'm still trying to figure out where she'd know me from! At that point she thanks us for the chair, and goes back to her table.

Now... my friend is kind of disappointed in me: "Dude, what was that!? You should have talked to her!" And this is where the lesson begins:

Me: (I'm still confused, and was flashing a puzzled look) "Why? She just wanted to know if she knew me. And she obviously didn't, what's the big deal?"

Him: "Well, she was obviously interested in you."

Me: "What are you talking about? She was just asking if she knew me" (which to me, in my naivety, was a reasonable conclusion).

Him: "But that's the point. It doesn't really matter if she was interested or not. The fact is, the opportunity presented itself just now, and you completely blew it.

Me: "What!? How!?"

Him: "Simple. When she came over and asked for the chair and if she knew you, what you should have done is gotten up, gone over to her, said something like, "no I don't think we've met, but my name's Michael," and then offered to take the chair back to her table."

At this point I was just amazed.

"Obviously you've never read The Game..."

Me: "How in the world should I have known that?? I thought she really might just know me."

Him: "Ok fine, but you still missed an opportunity."

And that's when it dawned on me. Up until this point, I had never understood the difference between intention and opportunity when it comes to meeting someone. Intention, in this sense, being that she wanted to talk to me. Maybe she did. Maybe she didn't. To me, I always thought that the intention had to be there in order to talk to a girl (quite contrary to practically every movie, ever made, ever). But what I realized is that the opportunity to meet/get-to-know someone is really always there.

Now, you may be thinking, "Come on Ogie, that's like the oldest trick in the book." But analyzing that isn't the point of this post. It's that you may be missing good opportunities all the time because you're not reading the language of the interaction, or as I demonstrated, even realizing that the opportunity is there. As I said, it didn't matter if she came over just to talk to me or not. What mattered is that I should have stood up, introduced myself, talked to her, and offered to help; made something out of that interaction, and maybe meet someone new.

Does this happen to you? Has anything similar ever happened? In Lebanon? Outside Lebanon? Is it cultural? Just to clarify, my friend's girlfriend was sitting next to him, and not only affirmed what he was saying, but also said I should have talked to her, in part, because the "road for interaction" was clear so to speak.

Do you think there's a difference between how men and women perceive this? Ladies, men always say that they want a woman to approach them, but what happens if and when that happens? Do we kinda freeze up because it challenges all of our existing social and relational scripts of how to behave and what to do/say? Is it disrespectful or disingenuous if I assume that there is an "opportunity" to get to know someone there?

Let me know. I'm really looking forward to your comments on this one!

Spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

Updates and More Relationship Resources

Hello LOVEanese! Listen, I know it's been a long time since my last post, but A LOT has changed since then. For one, since I finished my thesis/defended, I graduated with an MA in sociology on June 22, and I moved from Beirut back to Kentucky in early July to see friends, spend time with family, and look for a job. So, not only am I coming to you live from the United States now, but I'm also in a different timezone (just an FYI). As you can imagine, it's been a really busy time. I also had the chance to present my thesis at the 2012 International Conference of the International Association of Relationship Research (IARR) in Chicago. It was great! I got to network and connect with many other relationship researchers, meet some of those people whose names appear in academic publications you read, and listen to a lot of presentations on really cool topics. My presentation went great, and I was even so fortunate to have my parents and a friend attend (so I could finally prove that I WAS doing something worth my time haha).

Transitioning back to "American life" has definitely been more difficult than I imagined. Finding a job has been incredibly tough, it seems like I apply to jobs everyday, only to never hear back. Typical I hear. Not exactly the best time, but whatever. Something will work out eventually. There's also been other things that have been on my mind as I transition back. The first is the loss of possession. Not in material things, but, for instance, the other day I told someone, "Oh, you should see my apartment!......well, my old apartment..." Little realizations like that make things difficult, and remind you of loss: loss of your routine, your living space, your independence, your bed, your living room, your kitchen, your routine, your city, your lifestyle, your friends, your family, your dekaneh owner, your life. But, that's also part of life: moving on, and moving forward. The other issue has been with this weird transitional in-between stage I feel between college students and recent/not-so-recent college grads. As someone who kind if fits into the middle, I'm finding it hard to identify with both groups.

But you know, with the opportunity for change also comes the opportunity for great growth and a lot of introspection. Of course, many Lebanese/Arab individuals are accustomed to moving around, so that definitely isn't a feeling that's hard to identify with. And I have been thinking about things often, including life and where to go next, and how to meet new people, etc. Before I get to one of the new revelations I had about dating that I wanted to share with you in the next post, I wanted to remind you of some great relationship resources that exist (I'll also be putting these on the LOVEanon Facebook Page. Remember, avoid places like Cosmo and Men's Health, and look for resources where research is cited! Don't merely take advice because they say an "expert" is writing about it):

1. The first is probably the best one because it is a hub for many different relationship bloggers, and has a ton of resources in general. It's called The Science of Relationships (http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/). It has information related to dating, relationships, sexuality, friendship, marriage, courtship, engagement, breaking up, compatibility, and a host of other topics, resources, and featured columns. The best part is that they write like me: including social scientific relationship research in their posts. The head editors were also present at the IARR event, and all of them/the contributing authors all have a background in relationship research (either with an MA, PhD, or other degree/experience). Definitely a relevant and credible website (you can also check them out on Twitter, Facebook, and other social networking sites).

2. The second is a website by Dr. Terri Orbuch ("The Love Doctor"). I also had the opportunity (and privilege if I may add) to meet her at the IARR event. She's a media-friendly relationship researcher from Michigan who writes articles related to relationship research for media outlets (she was interviewed for the story about "5 Secrets to a Happy Marriage: Revealed by Divorce" (A better overview here)). She also does a weekly segment on a local Michigan news outlet (Saturday morning between 8 and 8:30 AM on WJBK Fox 2 News-Detroit). You can find her columns on the Huffington Post and Psychology Today (Psychology Today is also a great resource!). She can also be followed on Facebook and Twitter.

3. The third is a bunch of resources hosted by Dr. Bjarn Holmes (who I am convinced is the real-life Thor). Also a media-friendly researcher, he blogs on Science of Relationships and Psychology Today. He also hosts a monthly podcast series called Relationship Matters,  which features an interview (or more) with a knowledgeable expert on some aspect of relationship research and relationship maintenance. He is available on Twitter.

4. When it comes to sexual concerns related to relationships, sexual health, and everything in-between, Kinsey Confidential out of the Kinsey Institute of Indiana University is my go-to guide (Kinsey sound familiar? It was established by pioneering human sexuality researcher Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey). Anyway, this site has it all, from relationship resources to information about STIs, sexual health, sexuality and relationships, answers to questions about sex, reading lists to check out, and much more. I strongly suggest you check them out, and follow them on Facebook and Twitter.

5. Another sexual health and relationship resource (and another that I heard about at IARR) is a blog authored by Dr. Justin Lehmiller called "The Psychology of Human Sexuality." It has a lot of great topics on it. I suggest you check it out as well, and follow him/the blog on Facebook.

6. The last resource I want to link you to today is the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center. It's a non-partisan, government-sponsored project that compiles information, statistics, marital resources, and other information together. It's really interesting, and gives more numerical information based on various surveys and other research methods. So, from attitudes toward marriage, marital trends, demographics, divorce patterns, etc., this site has it covered.

There is also two academic journals that are dedicated to relationship research: Personal Relationships (Wiley), and The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (SAGE), both through the IARR. They both contain additional resources as well.

Now, I know what many of you who live in Lebanon, Europe, or elsewhere may be thinking: "But this is all written for Americans, by Americans." And honestly, you're right. A lot of this research is American/Western-focused, and there's a shortage of cross-cultural relationship research. This isn't to say it doesn't exist, just when compared to studies conducted on American samples, however, it just, well... doesn't compare. BUT, although culture does have much to do with romantic relationships, much of the research conducted can be applied to many different populations, especially at the individual level. So, definitely take everything with a grain of both salt and common sense/critical thinking, and if you have any questions, discuss it! Either in the comments section of my blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, or simply just write the author! Even if they don't know the answer, they have the knowledge, skills, and expertise to connect you to other resources or find the answer for you.

This is also a great point to reiterate exactly what I'm doing here. I know I'm writing to you from the US now, but remember what I always say (and have said since I wrote my very first post almost a year ago): I want to help connect individuals to relationship research and resources in an easy-to-digest way that is informative, fun, and educational. Also, MA or not, I AM NOT AN EXPERT, nor do I ever intend to come off as one. I will always cite my sources, and I will strive to make this blog objective and value neutral. However, I will  write it in such a way that it focuses on Lebanese/Arab culture, but still be applicable to a general population and especially those who come from cultures that  emphasize family and social collectivity. If you ever need a reminder of this or the purpose, vision, or mission of this blog, just re-read the first post. I have tried to not deviate from my original purpose.

With that all said, I just want to give a teaser of some topics to expect in the coming few weeks in no specific order:

1. Can you really be friends after a break-up?
2. When in doubt, follow your nose
3. Understanding the difference between intention and opportunity
4. How to read a scientific article
5. A case for and against marriage
6. Dating at work: pros and cons
7. Are men REALLY from Mars, and women REALLY from Venus?
8. The pros and cons of pornography within a relationship context
9. Attraction and birth order
10. The benefits of selfless sexuality

As always, thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate all of your support, no matter what country you're in, continent you're on, or culture you were raised in.

Stay cool, peaceful, and lit-up Lebanon. And spread the love,
-Ogie, MA

What's Love Got To Do With It? Actually, Quite A Lot

Good afternoon LOVEanese! I really want to apologize for my 7-week+ hiatus/leave of absence, but I was incredibly busy. With what you ask? Well... I can assure you, I've been hard at work, and a LOT has happened over the past month and a half!

Now, remember how I've said I'm almost done with my thesis pretty much since January? Well... guess what? I FINALLY FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

 

How I feel

On May 18, 2012, I successfully defended my thesis (and passed of course!), and then I submitted to the library on May 22. So, what does this mean now? Well, first, I'm officially Michael Oghia, MA, and I will be an AUB graduate come June 22. Second, I want to get back into the habit of blogging at least every other week, but preferably once a week. Third, and most excitedly, it means I get to share with you my results!

In all of its thesisie glory

Before I share my results, I just want to first talk a bit about the context of this research. First of all, some stats:

-- My thesis is divided into 6 chapters: the introduction, which includes the purpose and significance, the theoretical framework, the literature review, the methodology, the results, and the discussion and conclusion.

-- I posed 6 research questions.

-- It is 163 pages in total, with 116 in just text alone not including references, appendixes, etc. It's even longer in the library version due to formatting.

-- There are 44,201 words, 246,097 characters without spaces, 290,225 characters including spaces, 1,180 paragraphs, and 4,273 lines.

-- Also, there were 4 sentences per paragraph, 16.3 words per sentence, and 5.3 characters per word. Concerning readability, it scored a 35.7 on the Flesch Reading Ease scale, and a 11.8 on the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level scale.  

-- Of those 44,201 words, love is mentioned 847 times, romance is mentioned 431 times, and relationship is mentioned 367 times.

My thesis word cloud (courtesy of tagxedo.com)

Also related to the context, I want to begin by answering a question that almost everyone has asked me: what inspired this, and why exactly am I studying love?

Quite simply, it was my mom! In 2008, I was with my mom on a vacation to see my family in Los Angeles, California, when she told me about a particular ex-boyfriend. She revealed to me how they were deeply in love, but my grandparents would not allow them to be together, ironically not because of the commonly-cited religious or sectarian reasons, but because he was not from the appropriate social and financial background (I would be happy to expand this story in its full form in another post if you would like to read it). I kept this personal anecdote in mind when I came to the American University of Beirut (AUB), and when I began to conceive this as a possible thesis topic, I wondered how relationship formation occurs now--over 40 years later--and I wanted explore how love is perceived by a younger generation.

Love you mom!

Per my abstract (and now into the technical stuff which I cover in the introduction (chapter 1)), I quickly discovered that romantic love is a topic largely absent from the social scientific inquiry in the Arab world. Although it has deep historical, literary, and artistic roots in the region, many scholars have traditionally reduced romantic relationship formation down to family-facilitated arrangements. However, increasing amounts of new, globalized discourses saturate the region, providing alternatives to the socially prescribed and sanctioned avenues of romantic love and relationships that may challenge the pre-existing romantic discourses, and influence the lived realities of individuals. Thus, the purpose of this study was to explore how a sample of unmarried Arab youth form and maintain romantic relationships, specifically focusing on how they define, experience, and identity romantic love, the value they ascribe to it, and what influences their perception of love.

What I would like to do now is give an overview of the chapters leading up to the results (this is the presentation I gave at my defense, so if you couldn't make it, you aren't missing anything!). Let's start with chapter 2.

Chapter 2 outlines the theoretical framework. I took an inductive approach in this study, grounding the conceptual framework in the results, which includes how romantic love is defined and conceptualized. To do this, I utilized Blumer’s symbolic interactionism, Bandura’s social learning theory, and social constructionism to not assume an a priori conceptualization of romantic love, and to illustrate the subjective nature of how meaning of romantic love is made. I also demonstrate that the way love is conceptualized interacts with Foucault’s notion of discourse to reflect power structures that govern social relationships, define what narratives are socially acceptable, and reinforce Bourdieu’s concept of habitus. Finally, I employ globalization theory (Wiki) and detraditionalization theory (Wiki) to discuss how certain phenomena linked to modernity provide outlets for alternate, external romantic narratives that directly challenge the existing discourse of romantic love and relationships.

Chapter 3 reflects themes I talked about in this post about growing up in two cultures and its effect on relationship development. Basically, I review existing literature related to dating, relationship formation, and love in the Arab world, and also outline 5 key areas of adolescent and young adult romantic relationship formation: culture, family, peer networks, experiences, and the mass media. In the family subsection, I detail how the Arab family is paramount to accessing and securing what Bourdieu calls social capital. Contextualizing this, I argue that, due to the weak Lebanese state institution, individuals rely on family and kinship networks for resource acquisition and security, but in turn, the family employs powerful mechanisms of control such as patriarchy and the honor/shame system that regulate and govern behavior. This occurs due to the potentially dire consequences of disrupting these networks on the entire family, which is exactly what love can do, particularly if an individual’s actions--such as being in love with someone that does not merit familial or social approval--are perceived to endanger the family’s ability to access social capital, or do not reinforce solidarity that is necessary for social, economic, and political survival. Moreover, I review how three pertinent changes to the Lebanese family including living in a post-civil war society, the decline of the extended family, and the generational gap are challenging the established practices and perceptions of romantic relationship formation.

Cute animal reading break time! (I thought this was appropriate).
Also, do any of you feel like you can identify with what I discuss above?

Chapter 4 covered the methodology. Basically, I used both quantitative (survey) and qualitative methods (interviews) to gather data, and I conducted interviews with 22 students, and distributed questionnaires to 193 AUB students (I can expand this to you personally if you would like, but I don't want to bore you with more technical stuff).

NOW, the part you've all been waiting so long for!

The results included a personal, highly subjective nature to the individual’s definitions and perceptions of love, and that love is important to life and the participants ascribed a high value to love. The majority also considers being in love with someone a requirement for a successful relationship, and they rank being in love as an important factor in choosing a romantic partner. They also indicated that objectifying the concepts of both romance and love is problematic. These definitions are intrinsically connected to their experiences with romantic love and relationships, and each of the interviewees inherently associated love with marriage. The interviewees also frequently connected love to Western cultural conceptions, such as individualism, that they indicated clash with or challenge other cultural conceptions such as honor, shame, familial collectivity, and traditionalism. It was also indicated that love is a luxury, linked to social class, yet also saturated with contradictions by society and the family by, for instance, being emphasized and portrayed but not expected or practiced in reality.

Additionally, the participants indicated they want more freedom and autonomy when choosing a romantic partner, particularly from their family, but most do desire parental approval. They also often disagreed with their parents regarding what they consider to be important in a potential romantic partner. Related to this, when considering their future children, many of the interviewees responded that they will not teach their children directly about love, but will show them what romantic love is through setting an example with their spouse, by teaching them about familial love, or simply letting them experience it themselves. Moreover, they also would actively pursue a relationship with someone from outside of their religious sect. Also, culture, family, peers, experiences, and the mass media were all indicated as having a particular influence on the way they perceive love, reinforcing the notion that love is culturally defined and socially governed. Lastly, evidence was given to reinforce the existence of a generational gap and the declining influence of the extended family.

Some of the most interesting results included:

-- All 22 of the interviewees mentioned marriage, connected love with marriage, or mentioned love within the context of marriage even without being prompted to do so.

-- The characteristics of "someone who is fun to be with," "someone who is intelligent," and "being in love" were collectively ranked as the highest qualities that the questionnaire participants sought in a potential romantic partner, and "similar political ideas," "someone who is rich," and "extended family approval" ranked the lowest. Also, there were no notable differences between genders, nor where there any notable differences between relationship statuses and between individuals who had reported that they had experienced love, those that had not, and those who did not know.

-- The majority of both the interviewees and the survey participants reported extensive experience with romantic relationships, and their familiarity with love often originates from these relationships. Furthermore, they often informed peers and family members--such as parents, siblings, and cousins--that they were dating or in a relationship. However, the female interviewees were explicit about not informing brothers and fathers, while they do inform their mothers, sisters, and peers. Moreover, although their experience with dating as a whole was varied, many of the interviewees indicated that the rules of dating were unclear, though certain rules were universally known such as not displaying excessive public affection. 

-- Related to the post about the Five Love Languages, the interviewees were explicit about how they identify and express love. They often identified it through strong emotional feelings, wanting to sacrifice for another person, and attachment. The majority of survey participants also reported that strong emotional feelings were indicative of identifying love. The interviewees communicated that they express romantic love through physical touch and affection, verbal and written affirmation, and through action, service, and gifting. However, the majority of the survey participants reported that they express love through meaningful quality time spent with a romantic partner.

-- Almost all of the interviewees adamantly agreed that they would date someone from outside of their religious sect, and the majority of the survey respondents (134, 70%) also agreed or strongly agreed they would still pursue a relationship with someone outside of their sect if they were in love with that person, with 32 (17%) either disagreeing or strongly disagreeing, and 27 (14%) chose neutral.

Geagea: "Oh no! It looks like the youth don't want to date within their sects as much! 
How do we keep them under control!?"

Aoun: "Aye carumba! Don't tell Nabih!"

I conclude my study by situating the results within the existing literature, proposing prospects for future research, and reiterating the limitations, for instance, that the results are neither representative nor generalizable to Lebanese or Arab youth as a whole, and that AUB students are not representative of Beirut or Lebanon, much less the entire Arab world. I close my thesis by quoting the song Fasateen by the Lebanese folk-alternative rock band Mashrou' Leila, which illustrates a common narrative among Lebanese young adults who are caught in-between familial, social, and cultural pressures and personal choice.

So, in the future, if anyone wants to know what does love got to do with it, the answer for now can be that, indeed, it  has much to do with it.

I just want to say thank you so much to each of you who helped, supported, strengthened, and encouraged me throughout these one and a half years (crazy, right?). I cannot express to you the appreciation and heart-felt gratitude I feel, especially to my friends and family. I really could not have done this without all of your relentless support.

I'm looking forward to your comments and questions!

And of course, if you want to read my whole thesis, check it out here.

As always, spread the love (not burning tires),

-Ogie (MA)

P.S. Just to let you know, LOVEanon has almost 11,000 page views and more than 200 likes on the LOVEanon Facebook Page! Exciting!